Friday Funny February 27, 2015 Snow Jokes

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Happy Friday!  Congratulations!  You have made it to the end of February!  Hang in there winter is almost over, even if it does not feel like it or look like it.  We cannot change the weather, but we can laugh at it. So, here are some snow jokes.  Enjoy them before they melt!

The stressed out snowman was acting flaky. That was, until he had a meltdown. And finally he was indicted for having a slush fund.

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?                                                                                               Frosted Flakes 

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?                                                                     Do you smell carrots?

How does a snowman get to work?                                                                                                     By Icicle. 

What do you call a gangsta snowman?                                                                                                    Froze-T

Where does a snowman keep his money?                                                                                          In a snow bank

What do you call an old snowman?                                                                                                Water

What do snowmen call their offspring?                                                                                                  Chill-dren

Where do snowmen go to dance ?                                                                                                Snowballs

What do snowmen wear on their heads?                                                                                           Ice caps

What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib?                                                     A snowmobile

What do snowmen eat for lunch?                                                                                                 Icebergers 

What is the favorite Mexican food of snowman?                                                                       Brrrr- itos

What did one snowman say to the other snowman as they parted?                                         Have an ice day!

Thought for the Week

“People ask me what I do in winter when there’s no baseball. I’ll tell you what I do. I stare out the window and wait for spring.” ~ Rogers Hornsby

Snowmaggedon or Snow Paradise?

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It seems that many of us are caught in the relentless grip of Old Man Winter.  Those in New England have suffered winter storm upon winter storm dumping snow upon more snow.  In Ohio, February has brought record cold followed by snow followed by record cold followed by more snow followed by record cold.  We find hope and encouragement noting that the official start of spring is less than a month away, surely it will start to warm up soon!.  Yes the snow and cold is a pain, yes it makes travel treacherous, and yes it can make downright dangerous.

However, I want to ask you to pause for just a few moments in your lament of winter.   Pause and remember how you once thought of snow.  Think about what a few inches of snow meant to you before you had to worry about the commute to work, before you had to make trips to the grocery, before  there were deadlines to deal with and bills to pay.

If you are like me, perhaps you can remember when snow brought excitement to the seemingly endless dreariness of winter.  There was a time when I looked out the window early in the morning with anticipation, wishing and hoping to see the ground covered with snow and the more snow the better.  There was a time when snow, instead of meaning closures, meant the opening of a whole realm of possibilities.  Snow meant fun not worry.

I lived on a residential street that had a little bit of a hill and not a lot of traffic.  I still recall those rare and wonderful occasions when the fates allowed the confluence of several inches of snow, the cancellation of school and a window of several hours of daylight before a snow plow was seen.  That meant walking up to the top of the hill, riding the sled as far as you could down the street then repeating the process again and again and again.  Inevitably the snow plow would find our street and that part of the fun would be done.  So, we would move on to making snow men, building snow forts and having epic snow ball battles.  We would stay out as long as we could stand it then go inside to warm up for a bit, have some hot chocolate and then bundle up and head outside again. 

A child is disappointed to look outside in the morning and see snow, a child is only disappointed that it did not snow enough.  As we grow up our attitude changes about many things and it should.  As adults we are responsible for things and we have places to go and people to see and the arrival of snow makes those things more difficult.  But next time you are ready to grumble and mumble about the snow just pause and remember there was a time when you found snow exciting and wonderful.  Better yet, the next time it snows overnight find a small child and look at his face when he looks out and sees the snow.  

Before long spring will be here, the snow will be gone and there will be flowers to plant, mulch to spread and grass to cut.  The days will be longer and warmer and there will be lots of fun things to do outside again.  But, for now, try to enjoy the snow that bring the glimmer of noonday to the dark days and winter.  But don’t fret when the snow is all gone for as Frosty reminded us he will “be back again some day.”

Friday Funny February 20, 2015 Coming Soon From K-Tel!

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K-Tel_

 Happy Friday! Congratulations for making it through a very cold week!!  

Perhaps you remember K-tel, the company that was big in the 60’s and 70’s compiling hits and selling albums with titles like “Fantastic Hits,” “Power Hits,” and “Out of Sight Hits.”  We may not have heard much from these folks for a while, but rumor has it that they are getting ready to release a new album just for Baby Boomers.  They are taking some of our old favorites, updating them and putting them on a new album called “Baby Boomers Turn Gray: Re-heated Oldies.”

Featuring these great songs!

Carly Simon–“You’re So Varicose Vein”
The Bee Gees–“How Can You Mend a Broken Hip”
Roberta Flack–“The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face”
The Temptations–“Papa Got a Kidney Stone”
Nancy Sinatra–“These Boots Are Made For Bunions”
ABBA–“Denture Queen”
Leo Sayer–“You Make Me Feel Like Napping”
Commodores–“Once, Twice, Three Times My Back’s Out”
Steely Dan–“Rikki Don’t Lose That Clapper”
Herman’s Hermits–“Mrs. Brown You’ve Got a Lovely Walker”
Credence Clearwater Revival–“Bad Prune Rising”
Marvin Gaye–“I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts”
Melanie – “Brand New Knee”                                                                                                             Bruce Springstein – “Born to Nap”                                                                                                          Gladys Knight and the Pips – “Midnight Trip to the Bathroom”                                             Elton John – “Rocking Chair Man”                                                                                                Johnny Nash – “I Can See Clearly Now (The Cataracts Are Gone)”                                            The Beetles – “Let Me Be”                                                                                                                Eagles – “Heartburn Tonight”                                                                                                              Average White Band – “(I Can’t Bend Over to) Pick Up the Pieces”                                              Three Dog Night – “The Doctor Told Me Not to Come”                                                                  Elton John and Kiki Dee – “Don’t Go Breaking My Hip”                                                                      Eagles – “Old Man in Town”                                                                                                                        Mary MacGregor – “Torn Between Two Livers”

But WAIT! That is not all, the album also includes these digitally remastered hits that bring an old message with a new meaning!

The Who – “Who Are You?”                                                                                                               Marvin Gaye – “What’s Going On?”                                                                                                           The Bee Gees – “Stayin’ Alive”                                                                                                           Barry Manilow – “Looks Like We Made It”

Available on LP’s, Cassettes and 8-Track!

Thought for the Week                                                                                                                               [An intellectual] is someone who can listen to the “William Tell Overture” without thinking of the Lone Ranger. ~John Chesson

Differences between Men and Women #5 The Three Stooges

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Men and women find different things amusing and to prove my point I only need three words: “The Three Stooges.”  Right now, if you are a guy you are smiling and nodding your head.  If you are a gal you are shaking your head and softly saying, “I just don’t get them.  They aren’t funny, they are just stupid.”  

Women and critics dismiss The Stooges as juvenile and brainless.  Which they are AND which is why they are so funny.  Perhaps it is just the way men are wired.  Apparently, men find pleasure in the absence of pain, so therefore pain being inflicted on anyone else is funny as long as it is someone else. So to see Larry, Moe and Curly poking each other in the eye, hitting each other with pipes or twirling ladders into one another’s noggins is quite amusing.  Even if we know it is coming, even it we have seen it before, even it we have seen it 100 times, it is still funny.  The more the character suffers, the more we realize that we are not the one suffering so the funnier we find it.

Women, on the other hand, apparently find a need to have empathy with the suffering character.  So the antics, instead of being amusing, tend to be discomforting.  While the masculine mind says, “hit him harder this time!” the feminine mind says, “I feel your pain and I want to help you out of this unfortunate predicament.”  

Women want “higher humor” that is social, rather than physical.  Humor that is based on awkward interactions of complex characters is the humor they are looking for.  Discomfort, not pain is what makes women laugh.

But, wait, perhaps The Stooges are not as “low brow” as we have assumed.  In a talk entitled “Are the Stooges Funny?: Soitanly!” (1996), Robert Solomon, who taught philosophy at the University of Texas at Austin until his death in 2007, argued that the Stooges humor “constitutes a counterexample to the major philosophical theories of humor and is the basis of a better view, which he called the inferiority theory.”  So when I laugh at The Stooges, I am not just laughing at the prat falls, I am laughing at the ritual humiliation that runs counter to prevailing social constructs of humor in modern society!

It is interesting that almost every list of qualities that women look for in a man will include a “sense of humor.” Yet, it does not seem like the ideal man is Larry, Moe or Curly unless he is a kinder, gentler Stooge who finds his humor in complex inter-personal relationships.  But then if those complex inter-personal relationships involve a few ladders and power tools……

Friday Funny February 13, 2015 Valentine Jokes

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cartoon_clip_art_illustration_of_a_smiley_face_holding_a_heart_0527-1303-3108-1320_SMU

Happy Friday and Happy (almost) Valentines Day!  They say one of the most attractive features a person can have is a sense of humor.  Unfortunately, I wouldn’t know.  But just in case you need a joke or three to impress that special someone this weekend, here is a gaggle of Valentine’s jokes chosen especially for you.

Enjoy!

What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day?
Forget-me-nuts.

What did the valentine card say to the stamp?
Stick with me and we’ll go places!

Did Adam and Eve ever have a date?
No, but they had an Apple.

What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?

What did one snake say to the other snake?
Give me a little hug and a hiss, honey.

What did the man with the broken leg say to his nurse?
“I’ve got a crutch on you!”

Did you hear about the romance in the tropical fish tank?
It was a case of guppy love.

What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend?
“Be my valenstein!”

Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?
It was Valenswine’s Day!

Do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day?
Sure, they’re very scent-imental!

What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
“I find you very attractive.”

What did one pickle say to the other?
“You mean a great dill to me.”

What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?
“I love you a ton!”

What did the bat say to his girlfriend?
“You’re fun to hang around with.”

Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine?
He fell in love with a pincushion!

Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend?
She didn’t suit his taste!

Why do valentines have hearts on them?
Because spleens would look pretty gross!

What did the light bulb say to the switch?
You turn me on.

What did one light bulb say to the other?
“I love you a whole watt!”

Thought for the Week

Anyone can catch your eye, but it takes someone special to catch your heart. ~Author Unknown

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

Not Ready for Prime Time Valentines

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lgs

I am sure that you are aware that Valentine’s Day is just around the corner.  Perhaps you have searched and searched for that card that expresses just the right sentiment that you were after.  Here are a few verses that you probably did not find at your local Hallmark store.

Roses are red                                                                                                                                       Violets are blue                                                                                                                                             I guess wherever you are                                                                                                                           It is Valentine’s Day too

Valentines is near                                                                                                                                       And I am waiting here                                                                                                                             My heart will never be the same                                                                                                       And it is clear you are to blame

Fountains mingle with the rivers                                                                                                         And the rivers with the ocean                                                                                                                 Valentine cards try to be clever                                                                                                               But this one lacks emotion

I may not let my feelings show                                                                                                                 What I’m feeling deep inside                                                                                                               The emotions that rapidly flow                                                                                                             So that is why I run and hide

Our love is like a lovely bridge                                                                                                     Between your heart and mine                                                                                                             But the bridge is old and obsolete                                                                                                     And needs a new design

I think of you often…I do                                                                                                                   From morning ’til evening I do                                                                                                           With every moment of pain                                                                                                                       I think of you a-gain.

We began as strangers                                                                                                                           On a very fateful day                                                                                                                         We’ve never talked                                                                                                                               Strangers we will stay

How do I love thee?                                                                                                                                 Let me count the ways                                                                                                                        One, two and three

  Since you left                                                                                                                                                   I cannot eat                                                                                                                                                   I cannot smile                                                                                                                                           Please send back my dentures.

 Not every day is Valentine’s Day                                                                                                      Here is your card

Friday Funny February 6, 2015 Joke Potpourri

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lgs

 

Happy Friday! As I was doing my exhaustive and extensive research for this week’s funny I came across a website that purported to have the top 50 funniest jokes ever told.  With a claim like that, I just had to peruse the contents.  So, here for your enjoyment are ten of those fifty and while they may not strike you as the funniest jokes you have ever heard, perhaps they might support the hypothesis that some of my jokes really are not that bad.

Enjoy! 

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ”Lady, that has got to be the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ”The driver just insulted me!” The man says: ”You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

”I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, ”How flexible are you?” I said, ”I can’t make it on Tuesday”

I saw in the paper that the police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. It said they charged one – and let the other one off.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. Well, I guess we will see about that!

I slept like a log last night…….. Woke up in the fireplace this morning.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I called her and asked, ”Did you get my drift?”.

Last week I cleaned the attic with my wife. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.

Four fonts walk into a restaurant, the hostess exclaimed, ”Get out! We don’t want your type in here”

A priest, a rabbi and a preacher walk into a bar. The bartender says, ”Is this some kind of joke?”

Two Eskimos are sitting in a kayak and getting cold.  They decide to light a little fire in the middle of the craft and it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

 Thought for the Week

What good is the warmth of summer without the cold of winter to give it sweetness. ~Author Unknown

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

A Thought to Warm Your Heart

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lgs

I hear that Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow the other day and that we are in for six more weeks of winter.  I know that many of you are already tired of winter and really did not want to hear this.  Then a thought hit me that might just help to make the rest of this winter just a little more bearable.

This time of year we hear a lot about wind-chill factors.  You turn on the news and hear the forecast, “tomorrow we will have a high of twenty degrees but with the wind chill it will feel like minus five.”  No matter how you slice that, it is a might chilly!  Then a thought hit me, we talk about wind chill in the winter and heat index in the summer. What would happen if we reverse that!  How about we have a heat index in the winter and a wind chill in the summer?

Would it not sound better to turn on the news and hear, “Tomorrow the high will be twenty degrees, but with the heat index it will feel closer to twenty-seven?”  And then sometime in the sweltering heat of August the weather person might say, “It will be a hot one tomorrow, expect a high near ninety.  The good news is there will be a brisk breeze so with the wind chill it will only feel like eighty-five.”

It is said that everyone talks about the weather but no one can do anything about it.  I know this will not change the weather, but maybe it help us just a little but as we deal with the lows of winter and the highs of summer.

Friday Funny January 30, 2015 FOOTBALL FUNNIES

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football

Happy Friday and Happy Super Bowl Weekend!  In honor of the Big Game, I dusted off the classic book “Football Laughs” by Herman L. Masin which I purchased through Scholastic Books in 1972 for $0.60.  (I see this little gem is listed on ebay for $4.98 which would translate into about a 5% annual return so maybe it was a decent investment.  Sorry, the accountant in me is slipping out.)  Below are a few football jokes you can share Sunday.

Enjoy!

NEW COACH 

“Gentlemen,” said the new head coach to his staff, “I have a suggestion for a change in our system and I’d like to hear your opinions about it.  Those opposed to the idea may signify it by saying, ‘I quit.'”

BEARS OFFENSE 

The Chicago Bears had been something of a bust and the natives were getting restless.  When a fire swept through the Bears’ office, destroying many records and play books, one of the local critics wrote: “That’s about the only way you could get the Bears to change their offense.”

GREAT FINISH

The teams were tied with two minutes to play when the coach sent in his second-string quarterback with a special play.  After looking over the defense, the scrub called a play of his own.  It went for a touchdown that won the game.

After hugging the hero, the coach asked him what made him change the play.  

“It was strictly a hunch,” was the reply.  “I looked at the half back.  His number was 14.  Then I looked at the full back.  His number was 21.  So I called play 32.”

“But that adds up to 35,” said the coach.

“Maybe so,” replied the scrub. “But if I was as smart as you, we wouldn’t have won the game.”

TOSSED FROM THE GAME 

The big tackle came running off the field.

“What’s the matter with you?” exclaimed the coach.

“The ref just threw me out of the game.”

“What for?”

“I dunno,”

The coach beckoned the official.

“What did you toss Johnson out for?”

“Because I caught him choking the opposing quarterback,” the ref said.

“Ah, you didn’t have to get so upset about it,” replied the coach. “The kid is just a practical choker.”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Football combines the two worst things about America: it is violence punctuated by committee meetings.” ~ George Will

What I Learned from Television

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Uncle orie

The educational benefits of television have been debated since the invention of TV. There have been many successful educational programs like “The Electric Company,” “Mister Rodgers’ Neighborhood,” and, of course, “Sesame Street.”   These days you can watch kids shows 24 hours a day on a number of networks including PBS kids, Sprout, Nick Jr, and Disney Jr to name a few.  But alas, my childhood was when the choices were much more limited.  On a national level, there was Captain Kangaroo with sidekick Mr. Greenjeans  in the mornings.  In Dayton, Ohio, until I was about ten, the afternoon brought Uncle Orrie with sidekick Ferdie Fusbudget.  Then there was Clubhouse 22 with the ultra cool Malcolm and sidekick Duffy the Dog.  To be honest I will say that I remember watching these programs, but I do not recall what exactly, I “learned” from them.

The television that I really remember from my childhood occurred on Saturday mornings where you could get up before the sun and watch cartoons, punctuated with commercials for toys and sugary cereals, until lunchtime!  I was “vegging” out on cartoons before the word was invented.  I would rise early to watch “The Ruff and Reedy Show,” “Magilla Gorilla,” “Top Cat'” “Underdog,” “Spider-man,” “Space Ghost,” “Johnny Quest,” “The Flintstones,” “The Jetsons” and “Scooby-Doo” to name several but I think my favorite was always “The Bugs Bunny and Road Runner Show.” 

I learned to appreciated the nuanced differences between the cartoons directed by Friz Freling and those directed by Chuck Jones or Robert McKimson. I learned about french from watching Peppe Le Pew.  I learned about directions from Yosemtei Sam, the toughest, root’nest, toot’nest, fastest gun-slinger north, south, east or west of the Pecos.  I learned about the importance of using the proper pronoun from Daffy Duck (“Rabbit Seasoning”).  Wile E. Coyote taught me that if at first you don’t succeed to try, try again, although I am not sure that ever seemed to do him any good.

Bugs Bunny taught me how to outsmart your adversaries whether they be a hapless hunter of a daffy duck.  And Bugs Bunny also brought a hint of cultural into my life,  To this day my knowledge of opera consists of what I heard in “The Rabbit of Seville” and “What’s Opera Doc?”  

Education television may sound like an oxymoron, but I think Bugs Bunny would say it was an oxy-maroon!