Author Archives: Leonard

Friday Funny September 2, 2016 My Labor Day Resume

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resume

Happy Friday and Happy Labor Day!  This weekend we pause from our everyday tasks to catch our breath and say goodbye to summer.  As we ponder Labor Day, I thought I would share a few items from my extensive resume.

Enjoy!

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned— couldn’t concentrate.

I always wanted to be a pilot, but my career just never got off the ground.

I tried being a parachutist, but nothing ever opened up.  

I tried being a professional bowler, but it wasn’t up my alley.  

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.  

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.  

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it.  

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job and seamed more exciting than it was.

Then I tried to be a chef–figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn’t have the thyme.  

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.  

I spent some time as a butcher, but I backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in my work.

My best job w. as being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy.  

My years as an exterminator were pretty good, but I got tired of the rat race.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn’t fit in and working with all the heels drained my sole.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patients.  

I was a pretty good eye doctor, but I could not stay focused on the job.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.  

So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.  

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.  

Then I worked at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

I tried working at a bank, but I lost interest.  

Finally, I took a job as an accountant, but I lost my balance……

Thought for the Week

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work. ~Robert Orben

http://www.quotegarden.com

Why Can’t We Be Friends?

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lgs

Since the dawn of time people have disagreed.  They have disagreed about politics.  They have disagreed about theology.  They have disagreed about customs and mores.  They have disagreed about Coke vs. Pepsi.  They have disagreed about the designated hitter. They have disagreed about, you get my point, people disagree about almost everything.  

You may even disagree with my statement that people disagree!  If I have learned anything and, by the way the jury is still out on that, I have learned that pretty much any statement I make would not be agreed to by at least one half of the general population.

However, it seems that in this age of connectivity and social media and instant news that many of us now assume that everyone wholeheartedly agrees with us about everything we say and that if someone does not agree with us then he or she must be some kind of a hater or “phobe.”  Let me share a deep thought with you.  If everyone in your circle of friends and acquaintances agrees with you on everything, you have a pretty small circle of friends and acquaintances.

This brought to mind a song released by the group War in 1975 with the title “Why Can’t We Be Friends.”  This is the chorus of the song:

“Why can’t we be friends
Why can’t we be friends
Why can’t we be friends
Why can’t we be friends?”

To the best of my recollection, I do not remember being taught or seeing discrimination of any kind at home.  I was fortunate to go to schools that were mixed religiously, socio- economically and racially. And guess what?  We got along.  I had a great group of friends in high school and not one of them was just like me.  Do not get me wrong, I have opinions and values that I hold to firmly, but that does not mean I cannot be civil and friendly to those who do not hold the same views as I do.  Nor does it mean that I cannot learn from and appreciate others.

So, let’s just lighten up a bit when someone shares a view that does not fall 100% into your view.  You may disagree and the odds are half of you just did.

“Sometimes I don’t speak right
But yet I know what I’m talking about

Why can’t we be friends
Why can’t we be friends
Why can’t we be friends
Why can’t we be friends?”

Friday Funny August 26, 2016 The Class of 2020

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ELIZABETH HALL

It appears many of the colleges in my corner of the world have either started classes this week or are having “move-in” days for freshman.  I always liked the excitement of the beginning of a new school year wondering what adventures awaited me.  Alas, those years are LONG gone.  As if I did not have enough reminders of how the years are ganging up on me, this time each year Beloit College publishes their “Mindset List” noting events that have shaped the incoming freshman class.  Once again, I will share some of the items that caught my attention.  For the whole list visit http://www.beloit.edu/mindset/

Students heading into their first year of college this year are mostly 18 and were born in 1998.  This students will make up the class of 2020, here is hoping that their foresight in life will live up to their 20/20 moniker.

Frank Sinatra, Phil Hartman, Matthew Shepard,  and Sonny Bono have never been alive in their lifetime.

They never heard Harry Caray sing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” during the seventh inning at Wrigley Field.

John Elway and Wayne Gretzky have always been retired.

SpongeBob SquarePants has always lived at Bikini Bottom.

They disagree with their parents as to which was the “first” Star Wars episode.

NFL coaches have always had the opportunity to throw a red flag and question the ref.

West Nile has always been a virus found in the U.S.

Vladimir Putin has always been calling the shots at the Kremlin.

Bluetooth has always been keeping us wireless and synchronized.

Snowboarding has always been an Olympic sport.

DreamWorks has always been making animated creatures heroic and lovable.

They have never seen billboard ads for cigarettes.

The New York Stock Exchange has never reported its ups and downs in fractions.

Instant, tray-less ice cubes have never been a novelty.

Michael J. Fox has always spoken publicly about having Parkinson’s disease.

Thought for the Week

Education is the movement from darkness to light.  ~Allan Bloom

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny August 19, 2016 Back to School

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Scan0003 (2)

Happy Friday!  I remember way back when that school always started the day after Labor Day; however, in many places school started this week.  So let’s kick off back-to-school Friday with a little school related humor.

Enjoy!

I would do my math homework, but I’ve already got my own problems.

Why did the boy eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake.

What did the dog say to his classmate? “Can I copy your homework, I ate mine.”

When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: “What is courage?” He received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.

Teacher: ‘Johnny, you know you can’t sleep in my class.’                                                              Johnny: ‘I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.’

On the first day of school, a mother went in to wake up her son. “Wake up, son. It’s time to go to for the first day back at school!”
“But why, Mom? I don’t want to go.”
“Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go.”
“Well, firstly, the kids all hate me, and secondly, the teachers all hate me, too!”
“Oh, that’s no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.”
“Give me one good reason why I should go to school.”
“Well, you are the principal!”

Hot off the press back-to-school best sellers!

“Walking To School The First Day Back” by Misty Bus

“The Day The Car Pool Forgot Me” by I. Rhoda Bike

“Can’t See The Chalkboard” by Sidney N. Backrow

“What I Dislike About Returning To School” by Mona Lott

“Making It Through The First Week Of School” by Gladys Saturday

“Is Life Over When Summer Ends?” by Midas Wellbee

Thought for the Week

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.” ~ Mark Twain

 

Friday Funny August 12, 2016 Gold Medal Humor

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images

Happy Friday!  The Olympics are well under way now.  It reminds of how in my younger days I wanted to be an Olympic 400m runner, but I soon discovered that there were just too many hurdles in my way.  However, I did round-up some Olympic jokes for you.

Enjoy!

Three American citizens went to Rio to see the summer Olympics.  Unfortunately they spent all their money on the trip and by the time they arrived there was no money left to purchase tickets to the events.  They were despondently standing outside the stadium where the Olympics were being held, bemoaning the fact that no money remained to buy a ticket to gain admission.  They all wanted to go so badly and to cheer on their countrymen. 

They took notice as competitors from around the world entered through a special back gate simply by telling the guard their country and event. This gave them an idea.

One of the three friends looked around and found a length of pipe lying on the ground.  He hefted it to his shoulder, walked to the gate and told the guard “England. High jump.” And the guard let him in! 

This inspired the second friend who looked around, picked up a manhole cover, and headed for the special gate. “Russia. Discus,” he told the guard, and in he went. 

Not to be left behind, the third friend, quickly conducted a frantic search.  However, all  he could find was some barbed wire. So, he grabbed it, ran to the gate, and announced “Poland. Fencing.”

————————————————————————————————————————————–

At the Olympic Games, Rhoda meets a man carrying an eight-foot-long metal stick.
‘Excuse me,’ says Rhoda to the man. ‘Are you a pole vaulter?’

‘No,”‘ says the man, ‘I’m German, but how did you know my name is Walter?’

The Olympic Best Seller List:

“The Olympic Trials” by Willy Qualify.

“Winter Olympic Sports” by Bob Sled.

“How to Do Gymnastics” by Tom E. Tuck.

“How to Win at the Olympics” by Vick Tori.

“The Marathon” by Will E. Makit.

Thought for the Week

“We all have dreams. But in order to make dreams come into reality, it takes an awful lot of determination, dedication, self discipline, and effort.” — Jesse Owens, American track and field athlete and four-time gold medalist in 1936.

Friday Funny August 5, 2016 Rolling into the Weekend

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download

Happy Friday!  As we roll into the month of August here are a few car related jokes chosen especially for you.

Enjoy!

A woman is driving down a road. A man is driving down the same road from the opposite direction. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells “PIG!!” The man immediately leans out her window and yells “JERK!!” They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next curve he crashes into a herd of pigs in the middle of the road.

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A man needs to cross the street. But as he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him. So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just stops in the middle of the road. The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and stops next to the man. The driver rolls down the window. It’s a squirrel. He says, “See, it’s not as easy as it looks.”

—————————————————————————————————————————————-

A policeman pulls a car over for speeding.  He walks up to the driver’s window and asks: “Sir, do you know you were doing 110 mph in a 90 zone?”.  The man replies “Yes! I’m Sorry, but that’s because I was racing another car and lost track of the speed.”  Since he did not see any car besides that, the cop asks – “Sir, have you been drinking?”  The driver replies “A little bit of Whisky, but just because I needed something to take with the LSD I took at a party!”  The started policeman says, “LSD? Sir, I need you to step out of the car! Is there anything else I need to know? Drugs, Firearms?”  The driver adds, “Sure! There is at least 5 pounds of cocaine in my glove department and an AK-47 under my seat! But please, don’t open the trunk, or the person I just kidnapped will scape!”

The policeman cannot believe what he heard and a little afraid, he calls for his superior!

At his arrival, he tells everything to his Captain who goes to speak with the driver:

Captain: “Sir, my subordinate told me you have a kidnapped person in your trunk!” The driver opens the trunk: “As you can see, there’s no one here, but my jack and spare tire”

Captain: “What about the AK under your seat?”  The driver pulls his seat forward: “There’s no such thing here, just an umbrella!!”

Captain: “I see! And the cocaine in your glove compartment?”  Driver opens the glove compartment: “you must be kidding me! Only my registration’s there!”

Captain: “Have you been drinking or engaging in any kind of drugs?”  Driver: “Sir, I don’t smoke cigarettes, don’t drink. I’ve been in my home all night with my mom. That cop over there must be kidding you! HE told you I was drunk, took drugs, was armed and a drug dealer, and had kidnapped someone? I suppose he probably told you that I was speeding too?”

Thought for the Week

Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were. ~Author Unknown

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny July 29, 2016 Shark Jokes

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shark9

Happy Friday!  Scanning through the television channels this week, I noticed that it was Shark Week.  So, here are a few jokes for you to ink your teeth into.

Enjoy!

I was at the beach recently today when I saw a man in the sea yelling “Help, shark! Help!”I just chuckled to myself because I was pretty sure that shark wasn’t going to help him.

I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.  He asked me if I punched the shark on the nose.  I said, “No, it just attacked me for no reason.”

Did you hear about the aquarium owner? His shark was worse than his pike.

Q: why did the shark cross the great barrier reef?
A: to get to the other TIDE

Q: What is a shark’s favorite kind of sandwich?
A: Peanut butter and jellyfish!

Q: how did the crazy shark become normal again?
A: electro shark therapy

Q: Why don’t sharks have tools?
A: They don’t have opposable thumbs

Q: Why do sharks make terrible lawyers?
A: They’re too nice!

Q: What does a shark order at McDonald’s?
A: a quarter flounder with cheese

Q: What is a shark’s favorite sci-fi show                                                                                              A: Shark Trek 

Q: Why don’t sharks like fast food?                                                                                                      A: Because they can’t catch it! 

Q: What do you call a shark that can’t stop singing “U Can’t Touch This?”                               A: M.C. Hammerhead. 

Q: What did one shark say to try to comfort a friend who had just gotten out of a relationship                                                                                                                                                 A: “its OK there are plenty of other birds in the sky” 

Thought for the Week

Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: you find the present tense but the past perfect! ~Attributed to both Owens Lee Pomeroy (1929–2008) and Robert Orben (b.1927)

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny July 22, 2016, How Hot Is It?

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sun

Happy Friday!  It is mid July and it is hotter than a firecracker on the fourth of July!  You are probably ready to punch the next person that asks, “Is it hot enough for you?  As they say we cannot do anything about the weather, so we might as well laugh at it.

Enjoy!

“How hot is it? It is sooooooooo hot that

the cows are giving evaporated milk.

the chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.

I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walking.

hot water now comes out of both taps.

you can actually burn your hand opening the car door.

you realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

the birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.

the potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

you start putting ice cubes in your water-bed (does anyone still have one of these?).

you can make instant sun tea.

your car overheats before you even start the engine.

you learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

I’m sweating like a politician on election day.

all the bread in the store is toast.

the catfish are already fried when you catch them.

the fire ants are really on fire.

the cornfield popped.

New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg was seen drinking a Big Gulp

Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner

I just saw a guy on the exit ramp with a sign that said “Will work for shade.”

Cincinnati Reds fans are taking the bags off of their heads.

I just fried a sidewalk in my good egg pan.

And finally…..

It was so hot that I found it rather uncomfortable.

Thought for the Week

What good is the warmth of summer, without the cold of winter to give it sweetness. ~John Steinbeck

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

Friday Funny July 15, 2016 Letting the Cat Out of the Bag

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cat

Happy Friday!  Last week I gathered some dog jokes to send out.  So, in an effort to be fair and balanced, this week I found some cat jokes for you.

Enjoy!

Q: What do cats use to make coffee? A: A purrcolator.

Q: What do you use to comb a cat? A: A catacomb.

Q: What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A: A CAT-HAS-TROPHY! 

Q: What do you call a pile of kittens? A: a meowntain 

Q: Why don’t cats like online shopping? A: They prefer a cat-alogue.

Q: What did the cat say when he lost all his money? A: I’m paw!

Q: Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn? A: She had a litter of mittens. 

Q: What do you call the cat that was caught by the police? A: The purrpatrator. 

Q: What do you call a cat that gets anything it wants? A: Purrr-suasive. 

Q: What do you feed an invisible cat? A: Evaporated milk. 

Q: Did you hear about the cat that thought she was a dog? A: She was purr-plexed. 

Q: Did you hear about the cat that climbed the Himalayas? A: She was a sher-paw. 

Dogs vs. Cats Top 10 Differences

1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap.

2.  Cats look silly on a leash.

3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.

4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you’ve ever made since the day you were born.

5. A dog knows when you’re sad. And he’ll try to comfort you. Cats don’t care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.

6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers.

7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won’t go at all.

8. Dogs will come when you call them. And they’ll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you.

9. Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they’re in pain.

10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door. 

Thought for the Week
In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him. ~Dereke Bruce
http://www.quotegarden.com

Don’t Spend It All In One Place

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Honda-CR-V-2012-1280-01

We are assaulted by advertisements all the time.  Every time we turn on the TV or the radio we see and hear commercials.  Most of the commercials go in one ear and out the other, but every once in a while, something about an ad will make me stop and listen and then I start to think which is usually not good.

Today, I heard a commercial for a certain brand of gasoline with a great new additive that will help to prolong the life of my car.  Sounds nice.  Plus, there is almost always a “plus,” as an added bonus it will improve my gas mileage.  Well, who does not want better gas mileage?  But, being the kind of person I am, I had to ask, “How much of a difference will it really make?”

The advertisement states that using this product will restore an “average of 3 – 5 miles per tank.”  Notice that is per TANK, not per gallon.  So, they are losing my interest rather quickly, but just for fun (I know, I need to get out more!) let’s put some numbers to this and see what impact using this product would really have.

First, we need some numbers. So, let’s assume the following: 1) I buy a new car and will keep it for 15 years; 2) I will be an average US driver and drive 13,500 miles per year; 3) I will average 25.5 miles per gallon; 4) My gas tank holds 15 gallons of fuel; 4) the price of gas is $2.50.

Next, if we do the math, we will divide the miles driven (13,500 x 15) by the average MPG of 25.5.  The result is that I can expect to use 7,942 gallons of gas over the next 15 years.  So, if my gas tank holds 15 gallons, then I will use approximately 530 tanks over than time.  The ad claims an improvement of 3-5 miles per tank, so let’s go right in the middle and use 4 miles per tank.

OK, so 4 miles per tank means I will improve 2,120 miles over the life of the vehicle.  So, if the average MPG is 25.5, then that will save me 86.5 gallons.  If we assume the price of gas is $2.50, then I will save $216.25.  Well a dollar is a dollar, so $200 is nice.  But remember, that is over 15 years, so my average savings per year is a little less than $14,50, or not quite three Pepperoni Hot ‘N Ready’s.  

Now, I am not all that excited about what this product will do for me.  This is a major name brand of gasoline and often the major brands cost a little more.  So, if the price of this particular brand, on average, is more than $0.03 higher than the competition, the savings completely disappear. 

I am all for better gas mileage and I am all for saving money; however, it will take more than three pepperoni pizzas a year to get me excited about going out of my way for this brand of gasoline.