Summer is coming to a close and back to school time is upon us.  I always enjoyed the first day of school, it was about only day of the year when I was not behind. Here are a few school related jokes to kick off your Friday!

Enjoy!

What do you call a teacher without students? Happy!

Teachers who take class attendance are absent-minded

A first grade teacher handed out a coloring page to her students – on it was a picture of a frog holding an umbrella.  When the class handed them in, one little boy had colored the frog bright purple. The teacher asked the boy, “Please tell me how often have you seen a purple frog?”   The little boy answered, “The same number of times I’ve seen a frog holding an umbrella.” 

After reading the homework assignment, the Teacher called little Billy to her desk and said, “Billy, your essay on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy it?”  Little Billy without hesitation answered, “No, Mrs. White. It’s the same dog!”

Teacher: Who was the first woman on earth?
Boy: I don’t know?
Teacher: Think of the apple story.
Boy: I know, Granny Smith!  

Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your dad for another, how much would you have?
Boy: One dollar.
Teacher: Are you sure?
Boy: Yes, my dad wouldn’t give me a dollar!

Teacher: Give me a sentence with the word “fascinate” in it.
Student: If I had a sweater with ten buttons on it and two fell off, then I would only have to fasten eight.  

Teacher: Glen, how do you spell Crocodile? 
Glen: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L.
Teacher: No, that’s wrong. 
Glen: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

Thought for the Week

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher.  That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.  ~Author Unknown

 

Happy Friday!  As the time for school to begin draws near, perhaps you might be hitting the road for one last summer trip.  Next time you are out on the roads you might look for some of these car and driver combinations.

Enjoy!

Leonard

A pyromaniac in a Blazer

A barber in a Seville

A creature in a black Laguna

An astronomer in an Eclipse

 A politicain in a Civic

 An orchestra conductor in a Prelude

 A classical musician in a Sonata

 A dog trainer in a Rover

 A band leader in a Tempo

 A bullfighter in a Matador

 An electrician in a Charger

 A snake handler in a Viper

 Barbie in a Malibu

 Sgt. Preston in a Yukon

 Queen Elizabeth in a Regal

 Prince Rainier in a Monaco

 Jim Garner in a Maverick

 Kato in a green Hornet

 John Kerry in a Diplomat

 Speedy Gonzales in a Fiesta

 Wile E. Coyote in a Road Runner

 Elmer Fudd in a Wabbit

 Miss Muffet in a Spyder

 Christopher Columbus in a Voyager

 Blackbeard in a Corsair

 Tonto in a Cherokee

 Carl Sagan in a Nova

 John Mellencamp in a Cougar

 Wonder Woman in a gold Lariat

 Edmund Halley in a Comet

 Nostradamus in a Futura

A Chiropractor in a Contour

An Eye Doctor in a Focus

A Park Ranger in a Forester

An Actor in a Celebrity

An Airline pilot in a Jetta

A Science Teacher in a Prism

A Spy in a Shadow

A Burglar in an Escape

A Fencer in a LeSabre

Robin Hood in an Arrow

A Marine Biologist in a Barracuda

A Maid in a Duster

A Dog-napper in a DeVille

A Physicist in a Fusion

A Cowboy in a Wrangler

Tiger Woods in a Golf 

A Philosopher in an Insight

Thought for the Week

“Always focus on the front windshield and not the review mirror.”
― Colin Powell

Seems like a lot of folks are shark crazy this week with all the shark-related shows on TV. I even wasted some time watching a bit of Sharknado II – if you missed it, I am sure it will be on a thousand more times.  So, in honor of Shark Week, here is a little fish story for you.

Enjoy!

One day many years ago, a fisherman’ and his wife had twin sons. They were very excited with the addition to their family, but try as they might, they just could not come up with appropriate names for the two boys. After struggling with this for days, the fisherman said, “Let’s not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, perhaps the names will simply occur to us.” 

Several weeks passed, and the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When the boys were left alone, one would always turn towards the sea, while the other would always face inland. It didn’t matter how the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. “Let’s call the boys Towards and Away,” suggested the fisherman. His wife thought this a bit odd, but lacking any good alternatives, she agreed.  From that point on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away.

Well, the years passed quickly and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, “Boys, it’s time that you learned how to make a living from the sea.” They loaded their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three-week voyage.

The three weeks passed quickly for the fisherman’s wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three weeks passed, and still no ship.

Three months passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She finally recognized him as her husband. “My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?” she cried.

 The ragged fisherman began to tell his tragic tale:

“We were just barely one whole day out to sea when Towards hooked into a great giant shark. Towards fought long and hard, but the shark was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great shark started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again.”

“Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge shark that must have been! What a horrible fish. What a terrible, horrible shark!”

 “Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away!”

Thought for the Week 

Men and fish are alike.  They both get into trouble when they open their mouths.  ~Author Unknown

 

I admit that I like coffee and there is seldom a day that goes by that I do not have coffee.  I do try to show some restraint and limit my coffee drinking to two times a day….AM and PM.  Yet there is more to coffee than just the little “pick me up” it provides, if you think about it, coffee teaches us a lot about life.  For example it reminds one to expresso yourself, to stay grounded, to slow down and take life one cup at a time, to pause and take time to smell the coffee and it reminds us that it is always better latte than never.  So this Friday morning as you sip on that second or third or fourth cup of coffee, here is a little coffee humor to stir up your morning.

Enjoy!

Leonard

Procaffinating – the tendency to not start anything until you’ve had a cup of coffee.

Behind every successful man or woman is a substantial amount of coffee. 

Stealing someone’s coffee is called ‘mugging’.

Drinking too much coffee can cause a latte problems.

The coffee tasted like mud because it was ground a couple of minutes ago.

Selling coffee has its perks for those who have bean so lucky.

Q: What is best Beatles song? A: Latte Be!

Q: What do you call sad coffee?” A: Despresso. 

Q: What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? A: Sanka 

A man went to his psychiatrist and said, “Every time I drink my coffee, I get a stabbing pain in my right eye,” The doctor thought for a moment and asked, “do you take the spoon out of the cup?” 

A guy walks into a coffee shop and asks the waitress: “How much is the coffee?” “Coffee is four dollars the waitress says”. “How much is a refill?” the man asks. “Free, “says the waitress.”Then I’ll take a refill!” the man responds. 

 Signs that you are drinking too much coffee (like that could ever happen):

You chew on other people’s fingernails.

You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

You short out motion detectors.

Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

You help your dog chase its tail.

All your kids are named “Joe”.

You name your cats “Cream” and “Sugar.”

You can jump-start your car without cables.

You walk ten miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.

You channel surf faster without a remote.

You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

Your doctor tells you, your blood type is COFFEE.

The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

You answer the door before people knock.

Your morning cup of Coffee is so strong it wakes up the neighbors!

You look at energy drinks and laugh.

Thought for the Week

“When life gives you lemons, trade them for coffee;” ~ Mr. Coffee

 

 

 

Happy Friday!  This week I wanted to share something that has been circulating on the internet for quite some time that helps to answer that age-old question, “What is the difference between men and women?”

Enjoy!

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.  

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t want.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, deodorant, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and one white towel. 

The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify 331 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals, maybe.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK 

 “A man’s face is his autobiography. A woman’s face is her work of fiction.” ― Oscar Wilde

 

Congratulations!  You have made it though another week.  Here are a few jokes to hopefully give you smile as this work week comes to a close.

Enjoy!

Leonard

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there. 

I told my friend that she drew her eyebrows on too high.  She looked surprised.

What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

The urge to sing ‘The Lion Sleeps Tonight’ is never more than a whim away.

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta

Two parrots were sitting on a perch. One says to the other, ‘Can you smell fish?

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.  And then I saw her face.

Have you ever started to eat a horse and then realised that you weren’t that hungry after all?

What do you call a dog who can do magic?  A Labracadabrador.

A blonde and her husband were watching the evening news together when the anchor announced, “In international news, there was a disaster near Rio de Janeiro today when five Brazilian men died in a skydiving accident.”  With that the blonde burst into tears, and her husband tried unsuccessfully to comfort her. “They were participating on a risky sport, and they knew the dangers,” he said. Through her tears, the blonde woman said “But that’s just so terrible! How many is a Brazilian?”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking places. ~Author Unknown

 

 

A woman was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. She quickly swerved in an effort to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped right in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive lady as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the unfortunate rabbit.

Much to her dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful she began to
cry.

Another woman driving down the highway saw the first woman crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the lady what was wrong.

“I feel terrible,” she explained. “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it,” she sobbed.

The second woman told the first woman not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out an aerosol spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Suddenly and miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road.

Fifty yards away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, then it hopped down the road another fifty yards, turned, waved, and hopped another fifty yards.

The first woman was astonished. She couldn’t understand what substance could be in the woman’s spray can that could have such an impact. She ran over to the second woman and asked, “What was in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?”

The second woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:

” ‘Hare Spray’ Restores Life to Dead Hare…Adds Permanent Wave.”

Thought for the Week

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. ~Winston Churchill

 

Happy Friday!  Here are some tidbits of wisdom to get your weekend off to a quick start.

Enjoy!

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week!

I once had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Mental backup in progress – Do Not Disturb!

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything’s coming your way, you’re probably in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film. (In my case, nothing ever develops!)

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. 

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I would play more golf, but I always have trouble getting by the windmill.

I had a blind date once, but her dog wouldn’t get in the car.

I was engaged to a girl with a wooden leg, but I got mad and broke it off.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Thought for the Week

Only Robinson Crusoe had everything done by Friday. ~Author Unknown

I bet you have been thinking to yourself that it has been awhile since you heard some good elephant jokes.  Well, here they are.

Enjoy!

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the bill?  Look! Here come the elephants over the hill!”

So, what did Tarzan say when he say the elephants coming over the hill wearing dark glasses?  Nothing! He did not recognize them.

How can you tell an elephant from a grape?  The grape is purple.

What is it that looks like an elephant and flies?  A flying elephant!

What is it that looks like an elephant, flies, and is extremely dangerous?  A flying elephant with a machine gun.

What does a bald elephant wear for a toupee?  A sheep.

How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?  By the footprints in the jello.

Why did the elephant paint his toenails different colors?  So, he could hide in the bowl of M&M’s.

What is red and white on the outside and gray and white on the inside?  Campbell’s Cream of Elephant Soup

How do you make an elephant float?  An elephant, some root beer and two scoops of ice cream!

What’s gray and goes round and round? An elephant in a washing machine! 

What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 3,000 miles!

What grey, has a wand, huge wings and gives money to elephants? The tusk fairy!

What’s the difference between an elephant and a piece of paper? You can’t make a paper airplane out of an elephant!

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. ~Anne Lamott
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