Congratulations!  You have made it though another week.  Here are a few jokes to hopefully give you smile as this work week comes to a close.

Enjoy!

Leonard

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there. 

I told my friend that she drew her eyebrows on too high.  She looked surprised.

What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

The urge to sing ‘The Lion Sleeps Tonight’ is never more than a whim away.

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta

Two parrots were sitting on a perch. One says to the other, ‘Can you smell fish?

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.  And then I saw her face.

Have you ever started to eat a horse and then realised that you weren’t that hungry after all?

What do you call a dog who can do magic?  A Labracadabrador.

A blonde and her husband were watching the evening news together when the anchor announced, “In international news, there was a disaster near Rio de Janeiro today when five Brazilian men died in a skydiving accident.”  With that the blonde burst into tears, and her husband tried unsuccessfully to comfort her. “They were participating on a risky sport, and they knew the dangers,” he said. Through her tears, the blonde woman said “But that’s just so terrible! How many is a Brazilian?”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking places. ~Author Unknown

A woman was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. She quickly swerved in an effort to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped right in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive lady as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the unfortunate rabbit.

Much to her dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful she began to
cry.

Another woman driving down the highway saw the first woman crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the lady what was wrong.

“I feel terrible,” she explained. “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it,” she sobbed.

The second woman told the first woman not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out an aerosol spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Suddenly and miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road.

Fifty yards away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, then it hopped down the road another fifty yards, turned, waved, and hopped another fifty yards.

The first woman was astonished. She couldn’t understand what substance could be in the woman’s spray can that could have such an impact. She ran over to the second woman and asked, “What was in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?”

The second woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:

” ‘Hare Spray’ Restores Life to Dead Hare…Adds Permanent Wave.”

Thought for the Week

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. ~Winston Churchill

Happy Friday!  Here are some tidbits of wisdom to get your weekend off to a quick start.

Enjoy!

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week!

I once had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Mental backup in progress – Do Not Disturb!

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything’s coming your way, you’re probably in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film. (In my case, nothing ever develops!)

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. 

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I would play more golf, but I always have trouble getting by the windmill.

I had a blind date once, but her dog wouldn’t get in the car.

I was engaged to a girl with a wooden leg, but I got mad and broke it off.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Thought for the Week

Only Robinson Crusoe had everything done by Friday. ~Author Unknown

I bet you have been thinking to yourself that it has been awhile since you heard some good elephant jokes.  Well, here they are.

Enjoy!

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the bill?  Look! Here come the elephants over the hill!”

So, what did Tarzan say when he say the elephants coming over the hill wearing dark glasses?  Nothing! He did not recognize them.

How can you tell an elephant from a grape?  The grape is purple.

What is it that looks like an elephant and flies?  A flying elephant!

What is it that looks like an elephant, flies, and is extremely dangerous?  A flying elephant with a machine gun.

What does a bald elephant wear for a toupee?  A sheep.

How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?  By the footprints in the jello.

Why did the elephant paint his toenails different colors?  So, he could hide in the bowl of M&M’s.

What is red and white on the outside and gray and white on the inside?  Campbell’s Cream of Elephant Soup

How do you make an elephant float?  An elephant, some root beer and two scoops of ice cream!

What’s gray and goes round and round? An elephant in a washing machine! 

What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 3,000 miles!

What grey, has a wand, huge wings and gives money to elephants? The tusk fairy!

What’s the difference between an elephant and a piece of paper? You can’t make a paper airplane out of an elephant!

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. ~Anne Lamott
http://www.quotegarden.com

There was once a very troubled young man named Clint who never seemed to be able to catch a break. It seemed as if one setback only served to lead to another setback. Years of frustration and failure had left him broke, unhappy and desperate. His desperate situation led him to a desperate plan. He knew that his wife had a large insurance policy for which he was the sole beneficiary, so he decided that the only way out of his current circumstances was to arrange to have her killed.

Clint had a “friend of a friend” put him in touch with a shadowy and nefarious underworld figure who was known only by the fictitious name of “Artie.” Clint arranged a meeting with Artie in a dark and dreary alley. Artie explained to the Clint that his going price for “taking care of his problem” was $50,000, in small, unmarked bills. Clint said he was willing to pay that amount but nervously explained that he did not have that much money and that he would not have it until after the “problem” was taken care of and he had received the insurance payment.

Artie was not very pleased to hear this and insisted on being paid something up front. Clint took out his billfold and sheepishly displayed the solitary one dollar bill that resided in the well-worn wallet. Artie muttered under his breath, sighed heavily, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the service to be rendered.

Artie began to keep tabs on Clint’s wife and a few days later, he followed her as she made a trip to the local grocery store. Once inside, he surprised her in the produce department, overpowered her and strangled her with his gloved hands.

As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor the unfortunate manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Artie was unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, so he had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

Unbeknownst to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the store’s hidden camera and observed by the store’s security guard, who immediately called the police.

Before he could even leave the store, Artie was apprehended. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the diabolical plan, including his financial arrangements with hapless Clint.

And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:

ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT KROGER

Thought for the week

“Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” ~Abraham Lincoln

Happy Friday!  Every once in a while, it is good to pause, take a deep breath and ponder some deep thoughts.

Enjoy!

To me, it’s always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, “Hey, can you give me a hand?,” you can say, “Sorry, got these sacks.”

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

Either you like bacon or you are wrong.

I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile, then walk into a pole.

If I don’t love something, is it still OK to set it free?

Just because I wear a sandwich board doesn’t make me some kind of hero.

I have this great trick where I can take a glass of ice water and, through sheer
concentration, bring it to a boil. Well, actually, I’ve never gotten it to boil,
but I did get it up to room temperature once.

For me, failure is not an option. It comes standard with everything I do.

I put out some Rat-B-Gon, but it doesn’t work. Not only isn’t the rat gone, it hasn’t
even moved for the last two days.

I have CDO. It’s like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, only in alphabetical order like it should be.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

There are two kinds of people: those that can count and those that can’t.

Remember Clones are people two.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead?”

If it’s true that we are here to help ‘others’—then what exactly are the ‘others’ here for?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If a cow laughs hard enough, would milk come out her nose?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

So what’s the speed of dark?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
A day without sunshine is like – Night.

On the other hand – you have different fingers

97.2 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

The early bird may get the worm – but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

Don’t miss the donut by looking through the hole. ~Author Unknown

Happy Memorial Day!  This week kicks of the unofficial start of the summer travel season.  If you are still undecided about where to go this summer, here are a few suggestions if your travels take you to Indiana or Texas.

Medora, Indiana: where you can see the longest covered Bridge in the USA. This bridge spanning the East Fork of the White River took nine months to build in 1875. Unfortunately, you cannot cross this bridge when you come to it, it has been closed to traffic since 1972.

Alexandria, Indiana: boasts the World’s Largest Ball of Paint! Mr. Michael Carmichael has spent more than 30 years applying over 18,000 layers of paint to a baseball. It now weighs close to 1,500 pounds. And you thought that pitcher for the Yankees was applying a lot of foreign substance to the ball.

Aurora, Indiana: Woman Buried in Her Cadillac. Aurora Schuck loved her Cadillac El Dorado so much that she asked her husband to bury her in it when she died. When Ray passed away a number of years later, the vault was reopened and Ray was placed next to his wife. Mrs. Schuck was moved and has been a back seat driver ever since.

Fort Wayne, Indiana: Johnny Appleseed Grave. Here you can find the final resting place of America’s most beloved migrant farmer. The grave is in a well-marked memorial park, the plot surrounded by a wrought iron fence.

Indianapolis, Indiana: Elvis’s Last Concert Parking Lot Plaque. Market Square Arena was the sight of the last performance of The King on June 26, 1977. It was demolished blown in 2001, but the plaque remains. Just don’t step on the plaque with your blue suede shoes.

Seymour, Indiana: Graves of America’s First Train Robbers. The Reno Brothers pulled off America’s first planned train robbery, but the old adage about crime not paying was true for them, they were caught, hanged by vigilantes, and buried in the town cemetery.

Terre Haute, Indiana: The Wave We Were: Hairstyling Museum. This one gets my vote for the best named attraction. Here you can find scissors, curling irons, hair dryers, permanent wave machines, and hundreds of other artifacts that go back to the 19th century.

Waco, Texas: The Bear Pit. This is the home of the Baylor Bears, the mascots of Baylor University. The latest enclosure/habitat is not really a pit, and the bears seem to be well-tended. A place like Jellystone Park where you can, “Look at the Bears! Look at the Bears! Look at the Bears!”

Waxahachie, Texas: Munster Mansion. Charles and Sandra McKee built their home as a replica of the Munster’s house. Apparently the McKee’s have both too much time and too much money. The house is opened for special charity events, usually in October, and you can stop and snap a picture of the outside anytime.

Fort Worth, Texas: Logan’s Run Water Garden. The Fort Worth “Water Garden” opened in downtown Fort Worth in 1974 and was welcomed as an oasis of plants and wetness in the midst of a concrete jungle. The Garden is still a popular spot for lunch eaters and wedding photographers, but its “Active Pool” is especially loved by fans of the 1976 sci-fi film Logan’s Run. It was on its futuristic water-splashed terraces that the film’s bewildered-young-people-who-can-now-grow-old emerged from their dystopian domed city into the real world.

San Antonio, Texas: Barney Smith’s Toilet Seat Art Museum. For over 50 years Barney Smith, retired master plumber, has turned toilet seats into works of art. He creates in his garage, and loves visitors. Barney turns 93 in 2014. At last count he had completed 1,069 toilet seats.

For even more unique out-of-the-way places check out http://www.roadsideamerica.com

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

Let no vandalism of avarice or neglect, no ravages of time, testify to the present or to the coming generations, that we have forgotten, as a people, the cost of a free and undivided Republic.  ~John A. Logan

http://www.qutegarden.com

I read a story this week about a lady in Gastonia, South Carolina who called 911 because her Subway Flatizza was made with mariana sauce instead of pizza sauce. (If you read the description of a Faltizza, they all have mariana sauce.) That just started me wondering what other non-emergency situations have resulted in 911 calls. So, I put on my top-notch researcher hat and found the following chosen especially for you. Enjoy!

• “My son won’t give me the remote control.”
• “Can an officer come over and tell my kids to go to bed?”
• “I can’t find the movie theater and the movie starts in 5 minutes”
• “Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.”
• A woman in Oregon, called 911 because she thought a deputy who had just visited her house on a complaint was good-looking and she was interested in setting up a date, she ended up getting arrested instead.
• A Florida woman called 911 because she was locked inside her car WHILE SHE WAS IN IT! Of course all she needed to do was manually pull up the lock on the door. 
• Another Florida woman called 911 because McDonald’s was out of Chicken McNuggets, “This is an emergency. If I had known they didn’t have McNuggets, I wouldn’t have given my money, and now she wants to give me a McDouble, but I don’t want one.” 
• A Florida man (I am starting to notice a pattern here) called 911 because the sandwich shop left the special sauce off his hero. He was so upset he called twice. The first time about the sandwich. The second time, to complain that about the slow response time.
• In Britain, a man called authorities to report a large and mysterious flying object that lit up the sky. He soon followed up the first call saying he had solved this mystery. He determined the large and mysterious object was, in fact, the moon.
• The Regina, Canada fire department raced off to battle a reported fire at the nearby Canadian Football League stadium. Upon arrival, they were able to quickly determine that the report fire was a burning log displayed on the stadium’s giant video screen.
• Police received the a call from Chinese version of 911 from a woman called the local 911 in China after her boyfriend refused to warm up her cold feet. This was quickly followed by a call from the boyfriend complaining that his girlfriend was too demanding.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

A man can fail many times, but he isn’t a failure until he begins to blame somebody else. ~John Burroughs

WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

1. Well, if everyone else is doing it I’m sure it’s okay.

2. Actually you were born in a barn, go ahead and leave that door open.

3. Don’t worry about curfew, it was just a suggestion. I’m not running a prison here.  If you’re with your friends, I know you’re all right.

4. You know, the purpose of my life IS to walk behind you and pick things up.

5. You don’t get in half the trouble I did when I was your age.

6. If you don’t stop crying, I’m going to have to give you anything you want.

7. How on earth can you see that TV from so far back, scoot a little closer.

8. Just because you live under my roof doesn’t mean you have to follow my rules, we are running a democracy here.

9. I don’t expect you to hear what I say the first time, I enjoy repeating it again and again.

10. Let me smell that shirt– I think it’s good for another week, maybe two.

11. Just because you were too sick to go to school today doesn’t mean you can’t hang out with your friends now.

12. If you can’t say something nice about a person, text it.

13. This will hurt you a lot more than it hurts me, I can guarantee that.

14. If you don’t eat all your dessert, you can’t have any broccoli.

15. Why are your clothes so clean?  Go back outside and don’t come back in until you have grass stains all over.

16. Your room is just too tidy, go mess it up a little.

17. Those starving children on the other side of the world? They wouldn’t eat this slop either.

18. Sure keep that stray dog.  I will be happy to feed it, walk it, and take care of it.

19. Today’s music is so much better than when I was a kid.

20. Actually, I am made out of money!

Thought for the Week

“Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children.”~Charles R. Swindoll, The Strong Family

http://www.quotegarden.com