Category Archives: Friday Funny

Friday Funny December 19, 2014 What Not to Buy Women

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Gifts003

Earlier this week, I shared some good tips I found on the Internet for buying gifts for men.   So, on this Friday before Christmas, I thought it only proper, to deal with gifts for women.  While men are extremely easy to shop for, women are extremely difficult to shop for.  Given this, I thought it might be easier to offer some general suggestions on what not to buy.

Enjoy!

Appliances are to be avoided like the plague.  Well pretty much any gift that translates into work (i.e. blender, toaster, vacuum, anything for the house “as seen on TV.”  I have been told that the general rule of thumb is that if it has a plug, don’t buy it.

Cleaning supplies are to avoided like the flu.  If the thought ever crosses your mind to buy a women Tide, Windex, Tidy Bowl just fight it or prepare to spend the rest of your life alone in a house you will have cleaned with those supplies..

Avoid sharp objects like a 24 hour stomach virus.  Ginsu knives may sound really neat and you may look forward to the opportunity to cut a pop can and a tomato with the same knife, but believe me, she will not share your enthusiasm.  Plus she will have a sharp object in her hand while she is upset with you,

Just avoid any gift for yourself that you intend to pass off as a gift for her.  This applies to power tools, sporting event tickets and DVD’s of the Three Stooges.  If you really want it for yourself, but it for yourself, just make sure you buy her something nicer.

Don’t even think of no name perfume like a $3.99 pint of Eu de Paris, which will not remind anyone of France unless it might be the local waste water plant.  If you are going to buy her perfume, at least purchase a brand that both of you have  heard of.

Please, please, please do not give her any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you saw on some shopping network and never, never, never try to pass this off as a real diamond.  The day will come when she will be embarrassed and you will be lucky to have all your teeth.

You will be tempted to buy clothes.  You have gone shopping together, you know think you know what she likes, you know her size.  So, no problem, right?  Wrong! This is a trap!!  Please do not fall for it.  There are three possible outcomes when you but her clothes: a) they do not fit, b) it is the wrong color, c) she just does not like it.

If you want the relationship to last past Christmas Day do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig, Nutrisystem,  or Weight Watchers. Please tell me you already knew this one. 

Never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or anything that is supposed to help her look “younger.”  These gifts may result in serous bodily harm to your person.

If this has eliminated all your gift ideas, just go with a nice pair of earrings.  Happy Shopping!

Thought for the Week

The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other. ~Burton Hillis

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

Friday Funny December 12, 2014 Christmas Mondegreens

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Carolers_3

Happy Friday!  Christmas is fast approaching and the airwaves are filled with holiday songs.  Perhaps you enjoy singing along with your favorite tunes and carols.  But are you sure you are singing the correct words?  If have found yourself mishearing words to songs, you just might have found a mondegreen.  Here are some amusing Christmas song mondegreens to kick off your weekend.

Enjoy!

Dashing through the snow, on one horse soap and hay…

Round John Virgin, margarine child…

Later on, we’ll perspire, as we drink by the fire…

O tiny bomb, O tiny bomb…

See the grazing mule before us, fa la la la la la la la la…

Good King Wences’ car backed out, on the feet of Steven…

Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names…

Rudolph, the red-nosed stranger…

He’s makin’ a list, of chicken and rice…

Get dressed, ye married gentlemen…

Chipmunks roasting on an open fire…

Hark, the hairy angels sing…

We three kings, of porridge and tar…

We three kings from Oregon are,  Bearing gifts, we’ve traveled so far …

On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me…

Sleep in heavenly peas…

The cattle are lonely….

Thought for the Week

Christmas is a time when you get homesick — even when you’re home. ~Carol Nelson

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

 

Friday Funny December 5, 2014 Santa Jokes

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santa

Happy Friday!  Now that it is December, I thought it was time to break out the Santa Claus jokes.

Enjoy!

What do they call Santa’s helpers? ————————————-Subordinate clauses!

What kind of music do elves like best? —————————————“Wrap” music!

Who sings “Blue Christmas,” and makes Christmas toys? ——- Santa’s little Elvis!

What do you call Santa Clause after he’s fallen into a fireplace?——Krisp Kringle!

What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed?————————-A cookie sheet!

Where do Santa’s reindeer like to stop for lunch?———————–Deery Queen!

What reindeer has the cleanest antlers?———————————————Comet!

Which of Santa’s reindeer needs to mind his manners the most?——“Rude”olph!

What is the cow’s holiday greeting?———————————-Mooooory Christmas!

What does Santa like to eat?———————————————————–A jolly roll!

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?——————–Sandy Claus!

What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a chimney?——————Santa Claus-trophbia!

What does Santa say when he is sick?————————————————–OH OH NO!

Who says Oh! Oh! Oh!—————————————————–Santa walking backwards.

What do you call someone who doesn’t believe in Father Christmas?————————-
A rebel without a Claus.

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?————————–Nothing, it was on the house.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper?—————–He sold his soul to Santa!

The 3 stages of man:

  1. He believes in Santa Claus.
  2. He doesn’t believe in Santa Claus.
  3. He is Santa Claus.

 Thought for the Week

He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree. ~Roy L. Smith

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

 

Friday Funny November 28, 2014 Thanksgiving Movies

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turkey

Happy Friday!  I hope you had a great Thanksgiving!  Perhaps you have some extra time on your hands this weekend, you might consider a Thanksgiving-themed movie.  Here are the top ten sure to be at a theater near you.

Enjoy!

10. To Kill A Walking Bird 

9. My Best Friend’s Dressing 

 8. Life of Pumpkin Pi 

7. Casserolablanca

6. The No-Hunger Games 

5. Silence of the Yams

4. The Leftover Parts I, II and III 

3. The Matrix Reheated 

2. Indiana Jones and the Last Casserole 

and the Number 1 Upcoming Thanksgiving-Themed Movie…

1. Harry Potter and the Giblets of Fire

Thought for the Week

Let us remember that, as much has been given us, much will be expected from us, and that true homage comes from the heart as well as from the lips, and shows itself in deeds. ~Theodore Roosevelt

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

 

Friday Funny November 14, 2014 Signs Your Not a Kid Anymore

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LW MHS 35

Happy Friday!  I certainly hope this week finds you doing well.  I must admit from time to time I notice how many years have passed by and that I ain’t as young as I used to be.  Perhaps some days you feel that way too.  Here are some signs that just might indicate you are not a kid anymore.

Enjoy!

Everything hurts and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.

The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

Your little black book contains only names that end in M.D.

You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall.

Your mind makes contracts your body can’t meet.

You look forward to a dull evening.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

Your favorite part of the newspaper is “20 Years Ago Today.” 

You get the newspaper.

You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

Your knees buckle, and your belt won’t.

Your back goes out more than you do.

The little old gray-haired lady you helped across the street is your wife.

You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.

You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

You’re asleep, but others worry that you’re dead.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You are proud of your lawn mower.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

You have a dream about prunes.

You take a metal detector to the beach.

You wear black socks with sandals.

You know what the word “equity” means.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

You watch the Weather channel.

You know about slide rules (they have nothing to do with the playground).

You used computer punch cards.

Thought for the Week

 Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. ~Chili Davis

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

Friday Funny October 31, 2014 Lessons From Horror Movies

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youngfrankenstein

Happy Friday!  The end of October, means “Trick or Treat” for the kids and lots of horror movies on TV.  You may have asked yourself, “what should I do if I ever find myself in a situation similar to what happens in a horror movie?”  I am glad you asked and this week I want to pass on some useful advice I came across a few years ago. Read these carefully, the life you save may be your own!

Enjoy!

1 – When it appears that you have killed the monster, Never, never, NEVER check to see if it really is dead.

2 – Never, never, NEVER read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3 – Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.

4 – When you have the benefit of numbers, never, never, NEVER pair off or go alone. Smack the first person that says, “Let’s split up.”

5 – As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hades. It’s just not that fun.

6 – Never, never, NEVER stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.

7 – If you’re searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it’s just the cat, GET OUT OF THERE IMMEDIATELY!

8 – If appliances start operating by themselves, never, never, NEVER check for short circuits; just GET OUT.

9 – Never, never, NEVER take ANYTHING from the dead.

10 – If you find a town which looks deserted, there’s probably a good reason for it. DO NOT stop and look around.

11 – Never, never, NEVER fool with recombining DNA technology unless you are absolutely 100% positive you know what you are doing.

12 – If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are female (females will always, always, ALWAYS break a heel and need to run while carrying the shoe which will later be thrown at the monster). Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, somehow it will always be moving fast enough to catch up with you.

13 – If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination with blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so forth, just go ahead and kill them immediately.

14 – It is always advisable to stay away from certain geographical locations, such as places named Elm Street, Transylvania, anywhere in Texas where chain saws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

15 – If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, never, never, NEVER go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, you are going to die and most likely be eaten.

16 – Take extreme caution around strangers bearing power tools: chain saws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, or electric carving knives.

17 – If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion.

18 – Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an old house (women should not wear a flimsy negligee). Carry a flashlight, not a candle. Make that two flashlights and a shotgun!

19 – Never, never, NEVER mention the names of demons around open flames, as these can flare suddenly. Be especially careful of fireplaces in this regard.

20 – Never, never, NEVER go looking for witches in the Maryland countryside.

Thought for the Week

Hold on, man.  We don’t go anywhere with “scary,” “spooky,” “haunted,” or “forbidden” in the title.  ~ Shaggy in Scooby-Doo

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

 

Friday Funny October 24, 2014 Ask A Silly Question….

1 Reply

SanDiego2010 006
Happy Friday!  I have been fortunate to get in a little vacation recently and have enjoyed my break from the everyday routine.  It seems like some people leave their brains at home when they go on vacation as evidenced by the following questions that were perportedly asked of Park Rangers around the country.

Enjoy!

Grand Canyon National Park

Was this man-made?

Do you light it up at night?

Is the mule train air-conditioned?

So where are the faces of the presidents?

Everglades National Park

Are the alligators real?

Are the baby alligators for sale?

Where are all the rides?

What time does the two o’clock bus leave?

Denali National Park (Alaska)

What time do you feed the bears?

Can you show me where the yeti lives?

How often do you mow the tundra?

How much does Mount McKinley weigh?

Mesa Verde National Park

Did people build this, or did Indians?

Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?

Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?

Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

Carlsbad Caverns National Park

How much of the cave is underground?

So what’s in the unexplored part of the cave?

Does it ever rain in here?

How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?

So what is this — just a hole in the ground?

Yosemite National Park

Where are the cages for the animals?

What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls?

Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?

Yellowstone National Park

Does Old Faithful erupt at night?

How do you turn it on?

When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?

Glacier National Park

When do the deer become elk?

When do the glaciers go by?

Thought for the Week
I love to think of nature as an unlimited broadcasting station, through which God speaks to us every hour, if we will only tune in. ~George Washington Carver

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

 

Friday Funny October 17, 2014 Later Gator

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gator

Happy Friday!  A visit to Gatorland led me to share a little biting humor this week.

Enjoy!

Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A: An Investigator

Q: What’s the similarity between an alligator and a computer?
A: Neither of them has enough bytes!

Q: How many arms has an alligator got?
A: Depends how far along he is with his dinner!

Q: What do you get if you cross an alligator with a flower?
A: I don’t know, but I’m not going to smell it!

Q: Did you hear about the law firm with the most intimidating lawyers?
 A: It’s filled with liti-gators.

Q: What do you call an alligator with GPS?
A: A Navi-gator.

Q: What do you call the crocodile that sprays for bugs?
 A:  A fumi-gator.

Q: What do alligators call human children?
A: Appetizers.

Q: What do you call an alligator that makes others fight?
A: An Instigator.

Q: Did you hear about the alligator who became a congressman?
A: He was an expert dele-gator.

Q: What do you call an alligator that works on a farm?
 A: An irri-gator.

Q: What happens if you get bitten by an alligator?
A: You get gatoraids.

The best thing to do is just leave them alone. Alligators want to be away from you just as much as you want to be away from them. ~ Jack Hannah

http://www.brainyquote.com

Friday Funny October 10, 2014, THE WORLD’S EASIEST QUIZ

1 Reply

papera

Happy Friday!  It seems we are bombarded daily by facts, figures and loads of new information.  Most days I feel like I know less at the end of the day than I did at the beginning.  So once in a while we need something that is reassuring and reaffirming to let us know that we have learned a thing or two over the years.  So, to help you get that confident feeling back again I am happy to provide something that has been circulating for quite some time on the internet, simply called “The World’s Easiest Quiz”

Enjoy!

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get catgut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel’s-hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI’s first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) What country do Chinese gooseberries come from?

10) How long did the Thirty Years War last?

 OK, put your pencils down, the answers are below – no cheating!

 

(answers below)

 

 

 

 

1) 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.

2) Ecuador.

3) From sheep and horses.

4) November.  The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.

5) Squirrel fur.

6) The Latin name was Insularia Canaria – Island of the Dogs.

7) Albert.  When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the

wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be

called Albert.

8) Distinctively crimson.

9) New Zealand.

10) Thirty years, of course.  From 1618 to 1648.

Thought for the Week

Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be. ~Thomas à Kempis, Imitation of Christ, c.1420

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

Friday Funny October 3, 2014

1 Reply

lobstere

Happy October and Happy Friday!  I hope you have had a great week.  I know what you are thinking this Friday, you are thinking, “It has been a long time since I have heard some lobster jokes.”  So, just for you here are some.

Enjoy! 

Who gives out presents to lobsters on Christmas?

Santa Claws!

——————————————————————————————-

Why doesn’t the lobster like to share with his friends?

Because he’s shellfish!

——————————————————————————————

Where does a lobster keep his clothes?

In the clawset!

—————————————————————————————-

If you cross a telephone and a lobster what will you get?
Snappy talk.

—————————————————————————————
One day a lobster fisherman was out in a rowboat with his wife when she accidentally fell overboard. Despite the fisherman’s valiant efforts, he could not find her.  Tired and despondent, he rowed back home. Early the next day, his friend come running down the dock shouting, “I found your wife! She got tangled up in my trap lines and she’s got thirty lobsters sticking to her! What should I do?” The fisherman replied, “Quick, pull off the lobsters and set her again!”

———————————————————————————————

A seafood restaurant had a sign in the window that read, “Big Lobster Tales, $5 each.”

 Amazed at the great value, a man stopped in and asked the waitress, “I saws the sign in the window.  Five dollars each for lobster tails — is that correct?”  

“Yes,” she said. “It’s our special just for today.”  

“Well,” he said, “I imagine they must be little lobster tails.”  

“No,” she reassured him, “it is a really big lobster tail.”  

“Are you sure they aren’t green lobster tails — and a little bit tough?”  

“No,” she said, “I is a really big red lobster tail.”  

“Big red lobster tails! $5 each!?” he said, amazed. “Then they must be old lobster tails!”

“No, they’re definitely today’s.”  

“Today’s big red lobster tails — $5 each?” he repeated, astounded.  

“Yes!” she insisted.  

“Well, here’s my five dollars,” he said. “I’ll take one.”  

The waitress took his money and seated him at a table in the restaurant.  Then she sat down next to him, gently put her hand on his shoulder, leaned over close to him, and said, “Once upon a time there was a really, really big red lobster…”

Thought for the Week

Good things come to those who bait.  ~Author Unknown

http://www.quotegarden.com