There was once a very troubled young man named Clint who never seemed to be able to catch a break. It seemed as if one setback only served to lead to another setback. Years of frustration and failure had left him broke, unhappy and desperate. His desperate situation led him to a desperate plan. He knew that his wife had a large insurance policy for which he was the sole beneficiary, so he decided that the only way out of his current circumstances was to arrange to have her killed.

Clint had a “friend of a friend” put him in touch with a shadowy and nefarious underworld figure who was known only by the fictitious name of “Artie.” Clint arranged a meeting with Artie in a dark and dreary alley. Artie explained to the Clint that his going price for “taking care of his problem” was $50,000, in small, unmarked bills. Clint said he was willing to pay that amount but nervously explained that he did not have that much money and that he would not have it until after the “problem” was taken care of and he had received the insurance payment.

Artie was not very pleased to hear this and insisted on being paid something up front. Clint took out his billfold and sheepishly displayed the solitary one dollar bill that resided in the well-worn wallet. Artie muttered under his breath, sighed heavily, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the service to be rendered.

Artie began to keep tabs on Clint’s wife and a few days later, he followed her as she made a trip to the local grocery store. Once inside, he surprised her in the produce department, overpowered her and strangled her with his gloved hands.

As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor the unfortunate manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Artie was unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, so he had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

Unbeknownst to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the store’s hidden camera and observed by the store’s security guard, who immediately called the police.

Before he could even leave the store, Artie was apprehended. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the diabolical plan, including his financial arrangements with hapless Clint.

And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:

ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT KROGER

Thought for the week

“Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” ~Abraham Lincoln

Happy Friday!  Every once in a while, it is good to pause, take a deep breath and ponder some deep thoughts.

Enjoy!

To me, it’s always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, “Hey, can you give me a hand?,” you can say, “Sorry, got these sacks.”

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

Either you like bacon or you are wrong.

I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile, then walk into a pole.

If I don’t love something, is it still OK to set it free?

Just because I wear a sandwich board doesn’t make me some kind of hero.

I have this great trick where I can take a glass of ice water and, through sheer
concentration, bring it to a boil. Well, actually, I’ve never gotten it to boil,
but I did get it up to room temperature once.

For me, failure is not an option. It comes standard with everything I do.

I put out some Rat-B-Gon, but it doesn’t work. Not only isn’t the rat gone, it hasn’t
even moved for the last two days.

I have CDO. It’s like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, only in alphabetical order like it should be.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

There are two kinds of people: those that can count and those that can’t.

Remember Clones are people two.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead?”

If it’s true that we are here to help ‘others’—then what exactly are the ‘others’ here for?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If a cow laughs hard enough, would milk come out her nose?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

So what’s the speed of dark?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
A day without sunshine is like – Night.

On the other hand – you have different fingers

97.2 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

The early bird may get the worm – but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

Don’t miss the donut by looking through the hole. ~Author Unknown

Happy Memorial Day!  This week kicks of the unofficial start of the summer travel season.  If you are still undecided about where to go this summer, here are a few suggestions if your travels take you to Indiana or Texas.

Medora, Indiana: where you can see the longest covered Bridge in the USA. This bridge spanning the East Fork of the White River took nine months to build in 1875. Unfortunately, you cannot cross this bridge when you come to it, it has been closed to traffic since 1972.

Alexandria, Indiana: boasts the World’s Largest Ball of Paint! Mr. Michael Carmichael has spent more than 30 years applying over 18,000 layers of paint to a baseball. It now weighs close to 1,500 pounds. And you thought that pitcher for the Yankees was applying a lot of foreign substance to the ball.

Aurora, Indiana: Woman Buried in Her Cadillac. Aurora Schuck loved her Cadillac El Dorado so much that she asked her husband to bury her in it when she died. When Ray passed away a number of years later, the vault was reopened and Ray was placed next to his wife. Mrs. Schuck was moved and has been a back seat driver ever since.

Fort Wayne, Indiana: Johnny Appleseed Grave. Here you can find the final resting place of America’s most beloved migrant farmer. The grave is in a well-marked memorial park, the plot surrounded by a wrought iron fence.

Indianapolis, Indiana: Elvis’s Last Concert Parking Lot Plaque. Market Square Arena was the sight of the last performance of The King on June 26, 1977. It was demolished blown in 2001, but the plaque remains. Just don’t step on the plaque with your blue suede shoes.

Seymour, Indiana: Graves of America’s First Train Robbers. The Reno Brothers pulled off America’s first planned train robbery, but the old adage about crime not paying was true for them, they were caught, hanged by vigilantes, and buried in the town cemetery.

Terre Haute, Indiana: The Wave We Were: Hairstyling Museum. This one gets my vote for the best named attraction. Here you can find scissors, curling irons, hair dryers, permanent wave machines, and hundreds of other artifacts that go back to the 19th century.

Waco, Texas: The Bear Pit. This is the home of the Baylor Bears, the mascots of Baylor University. The latest enclosure/habitat is not really a pit, and the bears seem to be well-tended. A place like Jellystone Park where you can, “Look at the Bears! Look at the Bears! Look at the Bears!”

Waxahachie, Texas: Munster Mansion. Charles and Sandra McKee built their home as a replica of the Munster’s house. Apparently the McKee’s have both too much time and too much money. The house is opened for special charity events, usually in October, and you can stop and snap a picture of the outside anytime.

Fort Worth, Texas: Logan’s Run Water Garden. The Fort Worth “Water Garden” opened in downtown Fort Worth in 1974 and was welcomed as an oasis of plants and wetness in the midst of a concrete jungle. The Garden is still a popular spot for lunch eaters and wedding photographers, but its “Active Pool” is especially loved by fans of the 1976 sci-fi film Logan’s Run. It was on its futuristic water-splashed terraces that the film’s bewildered-young-people-who-can-now-grow-old emerged from their dystopian domed city into the real world.

San Antonio, Texas: Barney Smith’s Toilet Seat Art Museum. For over 50 years Barney Smith, retired master plumber, has turned toilet seats into works of art. He creates in his garage, and loves visitors. Barney turns 93 in 2014. At last count he had completed 1,069 toilet seats.

For even more unique out-of-the-way places check out http://www.roadsideamerica.com

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

Let no vandalism of avarice or neglect, no ravages of time, testify to the present or to the coming generations, that we have forgotten, as a people, the cost of a free and undivided Republic.  ~John A. Logan

http://www.qutegarden.com

I read a story this week about a lady in Gastonia, South Carolina who called 911 because her Subway Flatizza was made with mariana sauce instead of pizza sauce. (If you read the description of a Faltizza, they all have mariana sauce.) That just started me wondering what other non-emergency situations have resulted in 911 calls. So, I put on my top-notch researcher hat and found the following chosen especially for you. Enjoy!

• “My son won’t give me the remote control.”
• “Can an officer come over and tell my kids to go to bed?”
• “I can’t find the movie theater and the movie starts in 5 minutes”
• “Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.”
• A woman in Oregon, called 911 because she thought a deputy who had just visited her house on a complaint was good-looking and she was interested in setting up a date, she ended up getting arrested instead.
• A Florida woman called 911 because she was locked inside her car WHILE SHE WAS IN IT! Of course all she needed to do was manually pull up the lock on the door. 
• Another Florida woman called 911 because McDonald’s was out of Chicken McNuggets, “This is an emergency. If I had known they didn’t have McNuggets, I wouldn’t have given my money, and now she wants to give me a McDouble, but I don’t want one.” 
• A Florida man (I am starting to notice a pattern here) called 911 because the sandwich shop left the special sauce off his hero. He was so upset he called twice. The first time about the sandwich. The second time, to complain that about the slow response time.
• In Britain, a man called authorities to report a large and mysterious flying object that lit up the sky. He soon followed up the first call saying he had solved this mystery. He determined the large and mysterious object was, in fact, the moon.
• The Regina, Canada fire department raced off to battle a reported fire at the nearby Canadian Football League stadium. Upon arrival, they were able to quickly determine that the report fire was a burning log displayed on the stadium’s giant video screen.
• Police received the a call from Chinese version of 911 from a woman called the local 911 in China after her boyfriend refused to warm up her cold feet. This was quickly followed by a call from the boyfriend complaining that his girlfriend was too demanding.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

A man can fail many times, but he isn’t a failure until he begins to blame somebody else. ~John Burroughs

WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

1. Well, if everyone else is doing it I’m sure it’s okay.

2. Actually you were born in a barn, go ahead and leave that door open.

3. Don’t worry about curfew, it was just a suggestion. I’m not running a prison here.  If you’re with your friends, I know you’re all right.

4. You know, the purpose of my life IS to walk behind you and pick things up.

5. You don’t get in half the trouble I did when I was your age.

6. If you don’t stop crying, I’m going to have to give you anything you want.

7. How on earth can you see that TV from so far back, scoot a little closer.

8. Just because you live under my roof doesn’t mean you have to follow my rules, we are running a democracy here.

9. I don’t expect you to hear what I say the first time, I enjoy repeating it again and again.

10. Let me smell that shirt– I think it’s good for another week, maybe two.

11. Just because you were too sick to go to school today doesn’t mean you can’t hang out with your friends now.

12. If you can’t say something nice about a person, text it.

13. This will hurt you a lot more than it hurts me, I can guarantee that.

14. If you don’t eat all your dessert, you can’t have any broccoli.

15. Why are your clothes so clean?  Go back outside and don’t come back in until you have grass stains all over.

16. Your room is just too tidy, go mess it up a little.

17. Those starving children on the other side of the world? They wouldn’t eat this slop either.

18. Sure keep that stray dog.  I will be happy to feed it, walk it, and take care of it.

19. Today’s music is so much better than when I was a kid.

20. Actually, I am made out of money!

Thought for the Week

“Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children.”~Charles R. Swindoll, The Strong Family

http://www.quotegarden.com

Happy Friday and welcome to May!  I saw some news this week about the making of the next Star Wars  movie which reminded me that Sunday is 5/4/14.  So May the 4th be with you!

Q: How is Ducktape like the Force?
A: It has a Dark Side, a Light side and it binds the galaxy together.

Q: Why did the Jedi cross the road?
A: To get to the Dark Side.

Q: Where is Princess Leia’s favorite place for shopping?
A: The Darth Maul!

Q: What do you call 5 siths piled on top of a lightsaber?
A: A Sith-Kabob!

Q: What do you call the website Chewbacca started that gives out Empire secrets?
A: Wookieeleaks

Q: What do you call a bounty hunter from the South?
A: Bubba Fett

Q: What do Jedi use to view PDF files?
A: Adobe Wan Kenobi

Q. What did Obi-Wan say to Luke at the Chinese restaurant when Luke was having trouble using chopsticks?
A. “Use the forks, Luke.”

Q. Why didn’t the pitcher from the forest moon of Endor stay on the baseball team?
A. ‘Ewoked every batter he faced

Q. Which Jedi Master became a pastry chef?
A. His name was Obi-wan Cannoli

Q: Why is a droid mechanic never lonely?
A: Because he’s always making new friends!

Q. What do you get if you mix a fruit with a bounty hunter?
A. Mango Fett!

Q. Where do Gungans store pickles?
A. In Jar Jars.

Q. What do you get when you cross an elephant with Darth Vader?
A. An ele-Vader.

Q. What do you call a Sith who is afraid of almost everything?
A. Sithy.

Q: What do you call a pirate droid?
A: Argh2-D2

Q. Why didn’t Princess Leia have a boyfriend on her home planet?
A. Because she was looking for love in Alderaan places.

Thought for the Week
“No. Try not. Do… or do not. There is no try.” ~ Yoda

It seems like Old Man Winter has finally packed his bags and left town.  As I look out at the world starting to turn green once again, it reminds me of all the work that needs to be done out-of-doors.  Alas, I have a brown thumb instead of a green thumb and things usually do not turn out well for me with lawns, flowers, fruits, and vegetables. If only I could grow green stuff in my garden as easily as I can grow it in my refrigerator.  I pulled my yard working jacket out of the closet only to find that I had left a packet of seeds in one of the pockets and it had turned into a giant Chia pet.  I told my wife it looked like it was time to get the lawn mower out and cut the grass but I was having a little trouble getting mowtivated.  She noted that I had a lot in common with a lawn mower, she said both were difficult to get started, smelled bad and only worked about half the time you wanted them to. However, I am a little excited about my new weed whacker, it is the latest in cutting-hedge technology.  But I keep trying; I guess I am learning by trowel and error.

I am a bit concerned about the increased number of night crawlers I have seen in my dirt; I suppose it is just another consequence of global worming.  I know this sounds kind of crazy, but I think someone is secretly adding soil to my garden, it is a certainly a mystery to me, the plot thickens.   I try not to say anything very sensitive while I am in the garden because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears. Plus I’ve got an ongoing problem with a mole; it seems he keeps passing on confidential information about my garden.

Last year all the vegetables had a race, it was close but the cabbage won by a head.  But it is not all fun and games in the garden, just like everywhere there are personal issues to deal with.  Last year two melons fell in love and wanted to get married, but they were too young so they cantaloupe. One day a guy walked up the gate of my garden and just picked up the garden gate walked off with it!  I was shocked but I thought it best not to say anything in case he took a fence

Gardening can take its toll on one’s health.  I once found myself in the doctor’s office with a parsnip in one ear, a carrot in the other and pole beans in my nostrils.  Exasperated, I asked the doctor, “What’s wrong with me doc?”  He told me that I needed to eat more sensibly.

Some days I picture myself as a real plant manager, but if I don’t get a raise in celery, I might just quit.  Gardening takes a lot of effort and patience; one cannot expect a bonsai tree to grow the miniature planting it.  Yet, some days I just lose track of time and my wife has to remind me when it is time to cummin.  How will this year’s garden turn out?  I suppose only thyme will tell.

Thought for the Week

A garden is always a series of losses set against a few triumphs, like life itself. ~May Sarton

http://www.quotegarden.com

Happy Friday! I hope you have had a good week up to this point.  

However, as a CPA, it is my duty to remind you that April 15 is almost here. This week my goal is to ease your pain just a tad. So, I have dug deep into the Internet to find some tax related quotations for you.

Enjoy!
Leonard

IT IS THAT TIME AGAIN!

It is income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta. ~ Dave Barry

I’m proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is, I could be just as proud for half the money. ~ Arthur Godfrey

People who complain about paying their income tax can be divided into two types: men and women. ~ anonymous

The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. ~ Albert Einstein

The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul. ~ George Bernard Shaw

The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf. ~ Will Rogers

Death, taxes and childbirth! There’s never any convenient time for any of them. ~ Margaret Mitchell, Gone with the Wind

Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today.
~ Herman Wouk

Look at it this way: If you don’t spend your dollars on the IRS, you’d probably just squander it on foolish things, like food, rent. ~ Cindy Adams

The one difference between death and taxes is that death does not get worse every time Congress meets. ~ Jeffrey Fry

Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what’s called a red flag. That’s something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That’s a red flag. ~ Jay Leno

Today, it takes more brains and effort to make out the income-tax form than it does to make the income. ~ Alfred E. Neuman

If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don’t get wet you can keep.
~ Will Rogers

A fool and his money are soon parted. It takes creative tax laws for the rest. ~ Bob Thaves

[The Internal Revenue Code is] about 10 times the size of the Bible and, unlike the Bible, contains no good news. ~ Don Nickles

I am thankful for the taxes I pay because it means that I’m employed.
~ Nancie J. Carmody
Thought for the Week

“Love takes many forms, but none of them are tax forms.” ~ Jarod Kintz, Whenever You’re Gone, I’m Here For You

Happy Friday! Are you interested in making a little extra cash? Well here is a great tool, a do-it-yourself scam kit. Just check the appropriate boxes, send it to random email addresses, sit back and wait for the money to come in. It is guaranteed to work or double your money back (just remember it was free and two times zero is still zero!)

Enjoy!
Leonard

OPPORTUNITY IS KNOCKING!!

CONFIDENTIAL – DO NOT SHARE THIS WITH ANYONE

Dear Close Personal Friend Whom I Have Never Met,

Good day and compliments. No doubt this letter comes to you as a huge surprise, but I implore you to take the time to go through it carefully as the decision you make might just determine the fate of the universe as we know it.

Please allow me to introduce myself.
_____ I am the wife of a very important Nigerian Official who has an extremely large amount of cash that I need to move out of the country and just need someone to help me.
_____ I am a very trustworthy representative from your bank. There has been a problem with your account and it would be my extreme pleasure to assist you.
_____ I am the person responsible for distributing lottery winnings from an international lottery. In a remarkable stroke of luck, although you have never purchased a ticket in this lottery, you have won!
_____ I want to buy your car and pay you five times what it is worth, I just need you to ship it to Outer Mongolia.
_____ I am the marketing director for a cruise line and I want to give you a free cruise! This is such a great deal that I cannot even tell you the destination or the name of the cruise line.
_____ I want to give you a high-paying/low effort job with our international finance division. It is so hard to find good help these days, but the fact that I found your email address shows you are just the right person for this job!
_____ I am a resident of a small village on the other side of the world that has been destroyed by a tsunami. Although everything in sight was leveled, I was fortunate enough to find the only working computer in a fifty mile radius, but my internet router escaped unscathed.

In exchange, I am willing to provide to you:
_____10,000,000 Vietnamese Dong
_____10,000,000 Indonesian Rupia
_____10,000,000 Colombian Pesos
_____ a very nice four slice toaster
_____ a coupon for a Big Mac

It is of critical importance that this matter be handled as expeditiously as possible. All I need to process this is for you to:

_____wire $250 to me to show you are a trustworthy but gullible person.
_____a list of all your credit cards including account number and expiration date – don’t forget those three numbers on the back of the card.
_____ship your car to Outer Mongolia
_____send me your contact information including social security number, all bank account numbers and all PIN numbers.
_____ mail me the box tops from three Kellogg cereals and a check for $2.50.

I implore you to respond to me post-haste. If I did not think you were an extraordinary person who could help me, I would not have chosen your email address at random from all the email addresses out there. This will be worth your effort, I promise and I have never lied to you.

Yours Sincerely

_____Dr. (Mrs.) Obi Won
_____Mr. Richie Rich
_____Mr. B. Shot, Esq., Partner in Law Firm of Dewey, Cheatum & Howell

 
Thought for the Week
I like long walks, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me. ~Fred Allen
http://www.quotegarden.com