I admit that I like coffee and there is seldom a day that goes by that I do not have coffee.  I do try to show some restraint and limit my coffee drinking to two times a day….AM and PM.  Yet there is more to coffee than just the little “pick me up” it provides, if you think about it, coffee teaches us a lot about life.  For example it reminds one to expresso yourself, to stay grounded, to slow down and take life one cup at a time, to pause and take time to smell the coffee and it reminds us that it is always better latte than never.  So this Friday morning as you sip on that second or third or fourth cup of coffee, here is a little coffee humor to stir up your morning.

Enjoy!

Leonard

Procaffinating – the tendency to not start anything until you’ve had a cup of coffee.

Behind every successful man or woman is a substantial amount of coffee. 

Stealing someone’s coffee is called ‘mugging’.

Drinking too much coffee can cause a latte problems.

The coffee tasted like mud because it was ground a couple of minutes ago.

Selling coffee has its perks for those who have bean so lucky.

Q: What is best Beatles song? A: Latte Be!

Q: What do you call sad coffee?” A: Despresso. 

Q: What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? A: Sanka 

A man went to his psychiatrist and said, “Every time I drink my coffee, I get a stabbing pain in my right eye,” The doctor thought for a moment and asked, “do you take the spoon out of the cup?” 

A guy walks into a coffee shop and asks the waitress: “How much is the coffee?” “Coffee is four dollars the waitress says”. “How much is a refill?” the man asks. “Free, “says the waitress.”Then I’ll take a refill!” the man responds. 

 Signs that you are drinking too much coffee (like that could ever happen):

You chew on other people’s fingernails.

You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

You short out motion detectors.

Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

You help your dog chase its tail.

All your kids are named “Joe”.

You name your cats “Cream” and “Sugar.”

You can jump-start your car without cables.

You walk ten miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.

You channel surf faster without a remote.

You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

Your doctor tells you, your blood type is COFFEE.

The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

You answer the door before people knock.

Your morning cup of Coffee is so strong it wakes up the neighbors!

You look at energy drinks and laugh.

Thought for the Week

“When life gives you lemons, trade them for coffee;” ~ Mr. Coffee

Happy Friday!  This week I wanted to share something that has been circulating on the internet for quite some time that helps to answer that age-old question, “What is the difference between men and women?”

Enjoy!

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.  

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t want.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, deodorant, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and one white towel. 

The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify 331 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals, maybe.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK 

 “A man’s face is his autobiography. A woman’s face is her work of fiction.” ― Oscar Wilde

Congratulations!  You have made it though another week.  Here are a few jokes to hopefully give you smile as this work week comes to a close.

Enjoy!

Leonard

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there. 

I told my friend that she drew her eyebrows on too high.  She looked surprised.

What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

The urge to sing ‘The Lion Sleeps Tonight’ is never more than a whim away.

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta

Two parrots were sitting on a perch. One says to the other, ‘Can you smell fish?

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.  And then I saw her face.

Have you ever started to eat a horse and then realised that you weren’t that hungry after all?

What do you call a dog who can do magic?  A Labracadabrador.

A blonde and her husband were watching the evening news together when the anchor announced, “In international news, there was a disaster near Rio de Janeiro today when five Brazilian men died in a skydiving accident.”  With that the blonde burst into tears, and her husband tried unsuccessfully to comfort her. “They were participating on a risky sport, and they knew the dangers,” he said. Through her tears, the blonde woman said “But that’s just so terrible! How many is a Brazilian?”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking places. ~Author Unknown

A woman was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. She quickly swerved in an effort to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped right in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive lady as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the unfortunate rabbit.

Much to her dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful she began to
cry.

Another woman driving down the highway saw the first woman crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the lady what was wrong.

“I feel terrible,” she explained. “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it,” she sobbed.

The second woman told the first woman not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out an aerosol spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Suddenly and miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road.

Fifty yards away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, then it hopped down the road another fifty yards, turned, waved, and hopped another fifty yards.

The first woman was astonished. She couldn’t understand what substance could be in the woman’s spray can that could have such an impact. She ran over to the second woman and asked, “What was in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?”

The second woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:

” ‘Hare Spray’ Restores Life to Dead Hare…Adds Permanent Wave.”

Thought for the Week

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. ~Winston Churchill

Happy Friday!  Here are some tidbits of wisdom to get your weekend off to a quick start.

Enjoy!

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week!

I once had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Mental backup in progress – Do Not Disturb!

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything’s coming your way, you’re probably in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film. (In my case, nothing ever develops!)

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. 

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I would play more golf, but I always have trouble getting by the windmill.

I had a blind date once, but her dog wouldn’t get in the car.

I was engaged to a girl with a wooden leg, but I got mad and broke it off.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Thought for the Week

Only Robinson Crusoe had everything done by Friday. ~Author Unknown

I bet you have been thinking to yourself that it has been awhile since you heard some good elephant jokes.  Well, here they are.

Enjoy!

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the bill?  Look! Here come the elephants over the hill!”

So, what did Tarzan say when he say the elephants coming over the hill wearing dark glasses?  Nothing! He did not recognize them.

How can you tell an elephant from a grape?  The grape is purple.

What is it that looks like an elephant and flies?  A flying elephant!

What is it that looks like an elephant, flies, and is extremely dangerous?  A flying elephant with a machine gun.

What does a bald elephant wear for a toupee?  A sheep.

How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?  By the footprints in the jello.

Why did the elephant paint his toenails different colors?  So, he could hide in the bowl of M&M’s.

What is red and white on the outside and gray and white on the inside?  Campbell’s Cream of Elephant Soup

How do you make an elephant float?  An elephant, some root beer and two scoops of ice cream!

What’s gray and goes round and round? An elephant in a washing machine! 

What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 3,000 miles!

What grey, has a wand, huge wings and gives money to elephants? The tusk fairy!

What’s the difference between an elephant and a piece of paper? You can’t make a paper airplane out of an elephant!

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. ~Anne Lamott
http://www.quotegarden.com

There was once a very troubled young man named Clint who never seemed to be able to catch a break. It seemed as if one setback only served to lead to another setback. Years of frustration and failure had left him broke, unhappy and desperate. His desperate situation led him to a desperate plan. He knew that his wife had a large insurance policy for which he was the sole beneficiary, so he decided that the only way out of his current circumstances was to arrange to have her killed.

Clint had a “friend of a friend” put him in touch with a shadowy and nefarious underworld figure who was known only by the fictitious name of “Artie.” Clint arranged a meeting with Artie in a dark and dreary alley. Artie explained to the Clint that his going price for “taking care of his problem” was $50,000, in small, unmarked bills. Clint said he was willing to pay that amount but nervously explained that he did not have that much money and that he would not have it until after the “problem” was taken care of and he had received the insurance payment.

Artie was not very pleased to hear this and insisted on being paid something up front. Clint took out his billfold and sheepishly displayed the solitary one dollar bill that resided in the well-worn wallet. Artie muttered under his breath, sighed heavily, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the service to be rendered.

Artie began to keep tabs on Clint’s wife and a few days later, he followed her as she made a trip to the local grocery store. Once inside, he surprised her in the produce department, overpowered her and strangled her with his gloved hands.

As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor the unfortunate manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Artie was unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, so he had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

Unbeknownst to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the store’s hidden camera and observed by the store’s security guard, who immediately called the police.

Before he could even leave the store, Artie was apprehended. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the diabolical plan, including his financial arrangements with hapless Clint.

And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:

ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT KROGER

Thought for the week

“Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” ~Abraham Lincoln

Happy Friday!  Every once in a while, it is good to pause, take a deep breath and ponder some deep thoughts.

Enjoy!

To me, it’s always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, “Hey, can you give me a hand?,” you can say, “Sorry, got these sacks.”

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

Either you like bacon or you are wrong.

I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile, then walk into a pole.

If I don’t love something, is it still OK to set it free?

Just because I wear a sandwich board doesn’t make me some kind of hero.

I have this great trick where I can take a glass of ice water and, through sheer
concentration, bring it to a boil. Well, actually, I’ve never gotten it to boil,
but I did get it up to room temperature once.

For me, failure is not an option. It comes standard with everything I do.

I put out some Rat-B-Gon, but it doesn’t work. Not only isn’t the rat gone, it hasn’t
even moved for the last two days.

I have CDO. It’s like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, only in alphabetical order like it should be.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

There are two kinds of people: those that can count and those that can’t.

Remember Clones are people two.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead?”

If it’s true that we are here to help ‘others’—then what exactly are the ‘others’ here for?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If a cow laughs hard enough, would milk come out her nose?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

So what’s the speed of dark?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
A day without sunshine is like – Night.

On the other hand – you have different fingers

97.2 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

The early bird may get the worm – but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

Don’t miss the donut by looking through the hole. ~Author Unknown

Happy Memorial Day!  This week kicks of the unofficial start of the summer travel season.  If you are still undecided about where to go this summer, here are a few suggestions if your travels take you to Indiana or Texas.

Medora, Indiana: where you can see the longest covered Bridge in the USA. This bridge spanning the East Fork of the White River took nine months to build in 1875. Unfortunately, you cannot cross this bridge when you come to it, it has been closed to traffic since 1972.

Alexandria, Indiana: boasts the World’s Largest Ball of Paint! Mr. Michael Carmichael has spent more than 30 years applying over 18,000 layers of paint to a baseball. It now weighs close to 1,500 pounds. And you thought that pitcher for the Yankees was applying a lot of foreign substance to the ball.

Aurora, Indiana: Woman Buried in Her Cadillac. Aurora Schuck loved her Cadillac El Dorado so much that she asked her husband to bury her in it when she died. When Ray passed away a number of years later, the vault was reopened and Ray was placed next to his wife. Mrs. Schuck was moved and has been a back seat driver ever since.

Fort Wayne, Indiana: Johnny Appleseed Grave. Here you can find the final resting place of America’s most beloved migrant farmer. The grave is in a well-marked memorial park, the plot surrounded by a wrought iron fence.

Indianapolis, Indiana: Elvis’s Last Concert Parking Lot Plaque. Market Square Arena was the sight of the last performance of The King on June 26, 1977. It was demolished blown in 2001, but the plaque remains. Just don’t step on the plaque with your blue suede shoes.

Seymour, Indiana: Graves of America’s First Train Robbers. The Reno Brothers pulled off America’s first planned train robbery, but the old adage about crime not paying was true for them, they were caught, hanged by vigilantes, and buried in the town cemetery.

Terre Haute, Indiana: The Wave We Were: Hairstyling Museum. This one gets my vote for the best named attraction. Here you can find scissors, curling irons, hair dryers, permanent wave machines, and hundreds of other artifacts that go back to the 19th century.

Waco, Texas: The Bear Pit. This is the home of the Baylor Bears, the mascots of Baylor University. The latest enclosure/habitat is not really a pit, and the bears seem to be well-tended. A place like Jellystone Park where you can, “Look at the Bears! Look at the Bears! Look at the Bears!”

Waxahachie, Texas: Munster Mansion. Charles and Sandra McKee built their home as a replica of the Munster’s house. Apparently the McKee’s have both too much time and too much money. The house is opened for special charity events, usually in October, and you can stop and snap a picture of the outside anytime.

Fort Worth, Texas: Logan’s Run Water Garden. The Fort Worth “Water Garden” opened in downtown Fort Worth in 1974 and was welcomed as an oasis of plants and wetness in the midst of a concrete jungle. The Garden is still a popular spot for lunch eaters and wedding photographers, but its “Active Pool” is especially loved by fans of the 1976 sci-fi film Logan’s Run. It was on its futuristic water-splashed terraces that the film’s bewildered-young-people-who-can-now-grow-old emerged from their dystopian domed city into the real world.

San Antonio, Texas: Barney Smith’s Toilet Seat Art Museum. For over 50 years Barney Smith, retired master plumber, has turned toilet seats into works of art. He creates in his garage, and loves visitors. Barney turns 93 in 2014. At last count he had completed 1,069 toilet seats.

For even more unique out-of-the-way places check out http://www.roadsideamerica.com

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

Let no vandalism of avarice or neglect, no ravages of time, testify to the present or to the coming generations, that we have forgotten, as a people, the cost of a free and undivided Republic.  ~John A. Logan

http://www.qutegarden.com