Category Archives: Humor

Friday Funny November 8, 2019 Doctor One-Liners

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Happy Friday! As the days get shorter and colder cold and flu season starts to creep in.  If laughter is the best medicine, then here is a little dose of prevention.

Enjoy!

I went to see my doctor.  The doctor said, “I’ve not seen you for a while.” I replied, “Well, recently I have been ill.”

I told my doctor that I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.  He told me that I should take the candles off first.

My doctor told me that I needed to stop using a Q-tip; however, his advice just went in one ear and out the other.

My Doctor said I needed a knee replacement\.  I asked if I could have a second opinion. She said, “Sure, you’re ugly too.”

My therapist told me I have problems letting go of the past. She told me that three years ago.

I can accept that I have an inferiority complex I just wish that I had a better one.

My doctor told me that I have the body of a twenty-year-old, then he suggested that I return it before I get it completely stretched out of shape.

I was thinking about having some plastic surgery until I noticed the doctor’s office was decorated with lithographs of paintings by Picasso.

I have found that an apple a day really does keep the doctor away, if your aim is good.

I went to the doctor and told him that I had swallowed a spoon.  She said, “sit down and don’t stir.”

I went to the doctor and told him I felt run down. He asked me why, so I showed him the tire marks on my legs.

I told the doctor that my hair has been falling out and asked him if he had anything to keep it in.  He gave me a paper bag.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. ~Voltaire

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Elementary School Milkmen of the Week

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I have mostly fond memories of elementary school (the biggest exception being the seventh and eight grade years that were addressed in an earlier post).  I attended the same school, Shiloh Elementary School in Dayton, Ohio from kindergarten through eighth grade.  Regardless of the weather, I did indeed have to walk to school everyday.  I did live directly behind the school but still I did have to walk.

Shiloh did not have a cafeteria.  In the last few years I attended they would roll out lunch tables into the gymnasium and bring in some food that was prepared elsewhere, but for most of the years I was there most of the children would bring a sack lunch with them.  Most days I would have to trek all the way back home, across the street, for my lunch.

However, there was one aspect of this setup that was pretty exciting.  Each week there were two kids from each class that were appointed to serve as milkmen and next to being appointed as captain of the kickball team, this was one of the most anticipated opportunities of the school year.  The job of the milkman was to 1) collect money from everyone who wanted a drink with his or her lunch which was everyone who had brought his or her lunch that day; 2) keep track of how many of each item was needed; 3) the best part – leave class several minutes before lunch to go down to the vending machines and put the nickles and dimes into the machines to obtain the drinks and 4) return to the class with the right drinks to be consumed with lunch.

If I recall correctly a carton of regular or chocolate milk was a nickel.  But milk was not the only option, for a dime you had your choice of 7-up, Orange Crush or Frostie Root Beer.  I guess we did not worry about too much sugar in those days.  Maybe the sugar helped us stay awake through the afternoon.  

Being Milkman for a week may not seem like a big deal, but for a six, seven or eight year-old it was a big deal.  For a week you were important to everyone in your class.  Plus it taught some real-life skills.  You had to be able to do simple math – you had to tally how many of each item to purchase, you had to be able to make change (apparently a completely lost art these days).  you had to be able to keep accurate and legible records (a couple of more lost arts).  You had to demonstrate common courtesy and basic customer service (more lost traits).  You had to be a good steward because your classmates had turned over their money and trusted that you would bring them the correct beverage in return. You had to communicate with everyone in the class regardless of whether or not you liked them or thought they had cooties. 

You know, now that I think about it that week may have been one of the more educational weeks of the school year.  It might be a good idea to consider bringing back the milkman of the week but we probably should leave out the soda pop options.

Friday Funny November 1, 2019 More Lessons From Horror Movies

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Happy Friday!  Happy November!  Hopefully you have not already eaten all of your leftover Halloween candy yet – pace yourself and spread it out for a few weeks.  Besides Trick-or-Treat this is the time of year that a lot of horror movies are being played on TV and streaming services.  These movies besides offering entertainment also offer some valuable life lessons and this week I would like to share a few of them with you.

Enjoy!

* Avoid exploring abandoned places.  While getting off the beaten path may sound appealing, it is just not worth the risk.  Go where there are people, lots and lots of people.

* Do not stop, even for a moment if you are somewhere so remote that that there is no cellphone coverage.  Keep moving until you have at least two bars.

* Just avoid camping, it is not safe.  Even if nothing evil happens, a nice hotel is a lot more comfortable.

* Do not trust anyone that you meet on an isolated road no matter how nice they seem or how dire his (they tend to always be male) circumstances are.  Do not believe his story, just keep going. 

* Do not trust anyone you meet in a small, quaint town that you never knew existed.  They always SEEM nice at first – just keep moving.

* If that dream house in a relaxing setting appears too good to be true there is a reason.  The real estate agent will not tell you about the ax murderer who lived there or about the walls that bleed at night.

* Keep an open mind.  If strange things are happening and someone suggests a really weird, out-of-left field kind of theory, don’t just dismiss it.  The wilder it is, the more likely it is to be correct.

* Exit through the front door as quickly as possible.  Never, under any circumstances, run up the stairs if you are being chased.

* Beware of mirrors.  They may seem harmless but they often are the first place where strange, evil beings appear.  Do not ask questions to mirrors.  Do not repeat names while staring into a mirror.

* If you find a nice, impressive, shiny object just left at the side  of the road, assume that it is either possessed or a source of great evil.

Thought for the Week

“We all go a little mad sometimes.” ~ Norman Bates in Psycho

Friday Funny October 25, 2019 Happy Halloween Jokes

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Happy Friday!  Halloween is just a week away, that means it is time to dig deep into my bag of tricks and treat you to some Halloween jokes!

Enjoy!

I went to an Italian restaurant on Halloween, the special was fettuccine afraid-o a)

I went to Starbucks on Halloween, the barista was a ghost who asked me if I wanted my coffee with scream and sugar.

Is it true that to keep their hair in place witches use scare-spray?

Is it true that the skeleton did not cross the road because he didn’t have the guts?

Is it true that a ghost’s favorite place to go for vacation is Mali-boo?

Is it true that ghosts like to ride elevators because it raises their spirits?

I went Trick-or-Treating at my eye doctor’s house.  He was giving out candy corneas.

Is the scariest plant on Halloween Bam-BOO?

Is the scariest animal on Halloween Cari-BOO?

Did you hear about the ghoul wo had a job cleaning houses?  He was known as the  “grim sweeper.”

Did you hear about the vampire who opened a kitchen goods store?  It is called Count Spatula.

Do skeletons make good comedians because they have funny bones?

Would you fix a broken jack-o-lantern with a pumpkin patch?

Did you hear about the ghost that stopped by the florist shop to pick up a boo-quet for his ghoulfriend?

Thought for the Week

“I could never get my parents to buy a pumpkin for Halloween.   They just made me stand in the window.  It really wasn’t too bad until the candle started to burn the roof of my mouth.” ~ Anonymous 

 

Friday Funny October 18, 2019 Sorry But That Is Not A Good Reason To Miss Work.

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Happy Friday! Congratulations! You have made it through another week and the weekend is almost upon us!  Occasionally something might come up that can keep us from getting to work on time or perhaps causing us to miss the entire day.  When that happens, I hope the reason that you offer your boss is not one of those below.

Enjoy!

Sorry, but I forgot that you hired me.

Sorry, but when I looked at the Lotto numbers last night, I was sure I had won. I was going to quit today but when I double-checked again this morning, I only won $5.

Sorry, but I ate way too much last night at a party and I need a day off to let all of that food digest.

Sorry, but I think my dog is having a mental breakdown.

Sorry, but there is a large, angry dog in front of my house and I think he will attack me if I try to get to my car.

Sorry, but I thought there was a Level 1 Nice Day Emergency and that it was against the law for me to drive to work.

Sorry, but I am so upset about who got kicked off Survivor last night that I just can’t concentrate on work today.

 Sorry, but my cat unplugged my alarm clock.

Sorry, but I got stuck in the blood pressure machine at the grocery store.

Sorry, but someone glued all my doors and windows shut and I can’t get out of the house.

Sorry, but I was bitten by a goose on my way to work and need to go to the doctor.

Sorry, but I just can’t find an outfit that works with my mood today.

Sorry, but the cookies I was going to bring to work today did not turn out well and I will have to make a new batch.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Researchers at Harvard say that taking a power nap for an hour in the afternoon can totally refresh you. They say by the time you wake up you’ll feel so good, you’ll be able to start looking for a new job.” ~Jay Leno

http://www.quotegarden.com

The Most Useful Class I Took in High School

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It has been several years since I was in high school, okay it has been several decades since I was in high school.  As is the case with every generation, I remember asking myself if any of this stuff would ever come in handy in real life.  I will even admit that although I do not spend my days happily quoting the quadratic equation, I do make frequent use of some of the simpler functions of algebra.  I have had to write many reports over the years and the more recent affinity for blogging does take advantage of a decent grasp on the English language.  However, I would say that what might just be the most useful class I took in high school is one that I underappreciated at the time – typing.  At least it was called typing back then, today it would be called keyboarding.  I will admit that I did not put a lot of time or effort into that class and remember my main achievement was producing a picture of a bowling pin and ball by typing x’s in the correct pattern to accomplish this astounding feat.  Little did I realize how many hours of my life would be spent pounding out numbers and letters on a qwerty keyboard with a side 10 key pad.  As they say “if I knew then what I know now” I would have used my time wisely then to develop a quite useful life skill.  It just goes to show you that one should take advantage of all learning opportunities because it just might come in really handy down the road.

Friday Funny October 11, 2019 Bungals

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Happy Friday!  The NFL is entering into week 6 and there are 4 teams that have yet to win their first game.  Among those is the once-again bottom dwelling Bengals.  In 1970 the Cleveland Browns traded Paul Warfield who was my favorite player and that was  the end of be being a Browns fan.  I rooted for the Bengals through thick and thin (there was a lot more thin) for forty years.  At the conclusion of the 2010 season I made what has appeared to be a wise choice and decided to just not care about the Bengals or the NFL any longer.  However, just because I do not consider myself a fan any longer, does not mean that I cannot have a laugh at the expense of the Bengals.

Enjoy!

Q: What do the Bengals and the United States Postal Service have in common?

A: Neither one delivers on Sunday.

Q:  Why don’t they make Bengals jerseys for preschoolers?

A:  They are choking hazards.

Q:  What is the most popular pastry with the Bengals?

A: Turnovers.

Q: Why don’t former Bengals players make good trial lawyers?

A:  They have no defense.

Q: Why do the Bengals watch their game films in reverse?

A:  They gain more yards that way.

Q: How many Bengals does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two, one to screw the bulb in and one to recover the fumble.

Q: How do the Bengals count to 10?

A: 0-1, 0-2, 0-3, 0-4, 0-5, 0-6, 0-7, 0-8, 0-9, 0-10.

Q: Name four things that adults should stop believing in.

A:  Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and the Cincinnati Bengals.

Q: Why doesn’t Andy Dalton use the phone anymore?

A: Because he can’t find the receiver.

Q: What do the Bengals and a Chick-Fil-A manager have in common?

A: Neither one shows up for work on Sunday.

Q: Why are the Bengals like a grizzly bear?

A: They both go into hibernation in the fall.

Q: What’s the difference between the Bengals and a dollar bill?

A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q: What do the Bengals and possums have in common?

A: They both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

Q: How many Bengals does it take to change a tire?

A: Only one, unless it’s a blowout, in which case they all show up.

Q: Why don’t the Bengals have a website?

A: They can’t string three “W’s” together.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Football combines the two worst things about America: it is violence punctuated by committee meetings.” ~ George Will

 

Friday Funny October 4, 2019 Over the Hill

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Happy Friday!  Happy October!  I recently celebrated a birthday which has reminded me that I am not as young as I used to be.  How do I know?  Well there are a lot signs to let one know.

Enjoy!

You Know You’re Getting Old When…

Your joints provide more accurate forecasts than The Weather Channel which is the only station you watch these days.

You can pull a muscle while driving a car.

You have some clothes that you kept when they went out of style – they have come back into style and gone out again.

You have actually worn a leisure suit (thankfully, that one is never coming back in style.)

You know what a punch card is.

You can remember life without a cell phone.

You have developed an appreciation for mulch.

When talking to you doctors often throw in the phrase, “considering your age.”

You remember a time when the milkman, the bread man and the TV repairman came to your house.

You are in a conversation about a song and you say, “it had a good beat, you can dance to it, I’ll give it an 85.”

The hospital you were born at, the elementary school you attended and the high school you graduated from have all been torn down.

The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.

It takes twice as long to look half as good.

You look forward to a dull evening.

Your mind makes contracts your body can’t keep. 

You look for your glasses for half-an-hour, then find they’ve been on your head all the time.

You begin every other sentence with, “Back in my day.. “ or “When I was your age…”

You sing along with the elevator music.

You are proud of your lawn mower.

 Your secrets are safe with your friends because either they cannot hear you or they cannot remember what you tell them.

It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired. 

Your childhood toys are now in a museum.

You frequently find yourself telling people about buying a candy bar or a pack of baseball cards for a nickel.

You know the answers, but nobody asks you the questions anymore.

You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations. 

Your last car cost more than your first house.
 
If you still had your first car in mint condition, it would be worth more than your current house.

Everything hurts and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work. 

You actually know what is in your 401K. 

You own a metal detector. 

You scout for a warmer place to spend the long, cold winters. 

Youthful injuries return with a vengeance. 

A ‘late night’ now ends at 10 pm. 

“You are as young as you feel” sounds rather ominous.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. ~Leroy “Satchel” Paige  http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

 

Friday Funny Septermber 27, 2019 A Quick and Easy Quiz

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Happy Friday and Happy Fall!  Let’s kick off this Friday with some mental calisthenics.

Enjoy!

Ten quick questions to get your brain working and kick start your Friday.  You should be able to answer these quickly. No pencil or paper required! Time to prove that you are the sharpest pencil in the box!  Good Luck!

First Question:  If you spell “sit in the tub” s-o-a-k, and you spell “a funny story” j-o-k-e, how do you spell “the white of an egg”?

 

a-l-b-u-m-e-n or e-g-g w-h-i-t-e – hopefully this question did not leave you with y-o-k-e on your face. Get back on track with number two! 

 

Second Question: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

 

If your answer is that you are first, that would be incorrect. If you overtake the second person, you are now in second place!  Maybe you should get some more coffee before going further.

 

Third Question: What word would you use to describe a man who does not have all his fingers on one hand?

 

Given that people usually have half their fingers on each hand, I think normal would be a good word,

 

Fourth Question: Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

 

Wouldn’t Mount Everest still have been the highest mountain in the world even though it had not been discovered?

 

Fifth Question: How much dirt is there in a hole three feet deep, six feet long and four feet wide?

 

If there was any dirt in it, would it still be a hole?  The good news is that you have halfway through.

 

SIXTH QUESTION: You are participating in a race. If you overtake the last person, what place are you in?

 

If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. How can you overtake the LAST person? Perhaps your brain has started the weekend a little early this week?

 

Seventh Question: If you have twelve fish and half of them drown, how many remain?

 

Twelve – they are FISH – how could they drown??

 

Eighth Question:  Math alert!!  Do this in your head!  Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.  

Take 1000 and add 40 to it.

Now add another 1000.

Now add 30.

Add another 1000.

Now add 20.

Now add another 1000.

Now add 10.

What is the total?

 

Did you get 5000? That is nice and incorrect! The correct answer is actually 4100. Do not take my word for it – get that calculator out and check.  Two more to go – finish strong! 

 

Ninth Question: If an electric train is moving north at 80 mph and the wind is blowing to the west at a steady 15 mph, which direction does the smoke blow?

 

Given that it is an ELECTRIC train, there will be no smoke.  One more chance.

 

Tenth and Last Question: Mary’s father has five daughters: Nana, Nene, Nini, Nono.  What is the name of the fifth daughter?

 

Nunu? Nana? Nene? NO! NO! NO! The fifth daughter’s name
is Mary. Read the question again.

Now that your brain is limbered up and ready to go – have a great weekend!

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

A man with one watch knows what time it is; a man with two watches is never quite sure. ~Author unknown

Friday Funny September 20, 2019 Garage Sale-ing

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Happy Friday! As the end of summer draws near, it is a great time to get rid of some of that stuff that has been taking up space in the basement (and magically growing!) by having a garage sale. (My wife has planned for this weekend.) After a garage sales way back in 1990, I started thinking, always a questionable activity for me, I put my thoughts into words and even managed to have it published in the local newspaper in Evansville where I worked at the time.  I did manage to make the front page of the same paper doing a lizard impersonation but that is a story for another day.  This week I have dusted off the garage sale piece just for you..

Enjoy!

Garage Sale-ing

Along with the warm evenings, cookouts and baseball games, summer brings garage sale-ing.

The object of the garage sale is to try to get someone else to actually give you money for the junk that you are ready to throw away. You go through the boxes that have been collecting dust and feeding moths for the last five years and you display it in the garage, or on the porch, or in the yard in hopes that someone will happen by who actually wants it.

I have been to a few garage sales and I have actually found a few good deals, but recently we decided to have our own sale. Believe me, there is a big difference between going to a garage sale and holding your own.

The process of determining what treasures would actually be offered provided some interesting discussion between my wife, who does not find sentimental value of much use, hence was willing to sell our wedding album, and myself, a packrat who can find a reason for keeping my third grade spelling test. But, with give and take, we survived the process (I gave and she took it).

One of the essential ingredients for a successful garage sale is the classified ad. In the ad, you put all the vital information: any special items you have, your address and the times for the sale. It is important to put the time in so that people will know to come two hours early and get you out of bed to allow them to have first shot at the treasures you’re willing to part with. I’m concerned about people who have nothing better to do than go to garage sales at 5:30 in the morning.

Now you’re outside, half-awake, half-dressed and still waiting for your first cup of coffee. The fun begins! People you do not even know, total strangers seeking bargains from your outdoor bonanza, pull up, get out of the car and start rummaging through your personal belonging. I would have never thought that this could happen in America.

They look at your clothes, your furniture, your comic books you’ve taken care of for twenty years, and haggle over the price. It is like they are judging every detail of your life. The articles people purchase are interesting.

Generally you can sell anything that is broken: small appliances, toys, lawn mowers, you name it. But if it is in good condition, they will be skeptical. Clothes tend to do well. Someone will come who is three times your size, hold up your clothes to see if they fit and still buy them. People will pour over items searching diligently for any type of break or imperfection before they are willing to invest one dollar in a picture frame you paid $10 for, but never used. The sale can be a dangerous time for small children. Every time they venture out of the house, someone will grab a toy out of their little hand and offer you 50 cents.

And the day drags on. You fight off the hot sun; you fight off the bugs and at times you fight off your customers. You watch people trample your flowers and listen to them complain about your prices. You see them carry off a piece of your life.

When it is all over, you count up your money, subtract the price of the ad, divide by the number of hours worked, and you realize you made about 37 cents an hour for all the effort. Yet, you’re proud to be a part of the free enterprise system. The sale is over and a lot of your junk is gone, probably destined to show up at someone else’s garage sale in the future.

In a strange way, I even enjoyed it. I realized I can part with a few things and survive and just maybe some of that junk might actually do someone else some good. My wife even let me keep our wedding album, but I had to buy it at the garage sale.

Happy Sale-ing!

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Ashes to ashes.  Garage sale to garage sale.” ~ John Green