Category Archives: Humor

Friday Funny February 19, 2015 Extra! Extra! Read All About It!

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newspaper-clip-art-newspaper

Happy Friday!  We live in the Information Age where all sorts of information and news is available from a plethora of  sources twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.  With all that information so freely flowing, there are bound to be a few wires that get crossed, unintentionally or intentionally, from time to time.  This Friday, for you enjoyment and pondering, I present some of the more interesting headlines that have made their way past all the editors.

Enjoy!

Some Headlines Just Make Me Wonder

County to Pay $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds 

Man Accused of Killing Lawyer Receives a New Attorney  

Midget Sues Grocer, Cites Belittling Remarks

One-armed Man Applauds the Kindness of Strangers

Volunteers Search for Old Civil War Planes

Cows Lose Their Jobs as Milk Prices Drop

Slowdown Continues to Accelerate

Man Tries Armed Robbery with Knife in Gun Store

Authorities Pursue Man Running with Scissors

Fire Extinguisher Factory Destroyed in Massive Blaze

Pigs Dies as Houses Are Blown Down

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

And Some Headlines Just Make Me Scratch My Head

City Unsure Why the Sewer Smells

Homicide victims rarely talk to police

Fish Need Water, Feds Say

Statistics Show that Teen Pregnancy Drops Off Significantly After Age 25

Use Clothing to Keep Warm During Winter

Thought for the Week

We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be. ~Kurt Vonnegut

http://www.quotegarden.com

Valentines Day – First Love

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I remember my first love like it was yesterday, or perhaps I am just approaching that age where I remember things that happened in the sixties better than I remember what I had for breakfast this morning.  Anyway, as I was saying, I remember my first love like it was yesterday.  It happened at Shiloh Elementary School in Dayton, Ohio.    Today, all that is left of Shiloh is an empty lot that looks far too small to even contain the dreams I had as a child much less a school with several hundred students in kindergarten through eighth grade. 

I was in first grade, in Miss Davidson’s class and her name was Marion.  I do not recall how it exactly began, but I do recall that I was a smitten young man and like a smitten young man, I began to plot my course of action to win her heart.  I suppose it was an effort to allow each of us to get to know one another or perhaps it was a way to beak up the children that talked to each other too much, but whatever the reason, every couple of weeks, Miss Davidson would have everyone move up or back a desk. So, I knew that sooner or later I would have my opportunity, albeit brief, to sit close to Marion.  I also knew this time would no doubt be one of the two most exciting things that would happen during first grade.  

The other exciting event was the week when one was allowed the privilege of serving as the class “milkman.”  In in those ancient days, we had no lunch room, so most kids brought lunch from home.  If you brought a note from home, you could walk up to the drugstore.  I usually had to walk home for lunch, all the way across the street behind the school, uphill both ways. Anyway, each week two students were chosen to collect the money and go down to the vending machines and get the drinks.  It was a nickel for a carton of white or chocolate milk and a dime for a healthy bottle of 7-up, Orange Crush or Frostee Root Beer.  You know nothing perks up a first-grader for an afternoon of education like a nice, cold bottle of flavored sugar.  This was not only an exciting task, it may have well begun my career development preparing me for my days in banking and accounting!

But I digress, after what seemed like an eternity (of course a six-year-old has a very limited view of time), my time finally came and I got to sit next to my heart’s desire.  Unfortunately, I took a little too much advantage of this opportunity by talking when I was supposed to be listening to Miss Davidson which resulted in my getting to stand by my desk for a while while the class continued.  I do not believe I ever told my parents about this little indiscretion and it did not appear to affect my conduct grade. (Yes, I did check, I do still have my first grade report card doesn’t everyone??)

Perhaps my plan worked to an extent, for later that school year I received an invitation to Marion’s birthday party.   I was excited about going and I’m sure my Mom helped me pick out just the right gift.  However, my plans quickly unraveled when upon my arrival at the party I spotted another boy from Mrs. Thompson’s class by the name of Joe, who no doubt was destined to be my bitter rival for Marion’s affection.    I recall little else from the party, no doubt I left despondent and downcast.

As fate would have it, one day at the conclusion of recess (yes, in those days gone by we actually went outside and played) young Joe seized the opportunity to kiss Marion before we went back inside for the afternoon.  Lucky for this little Romeo (which prophetically rhymes with “Joe”) that was in the 60’s when everyone wanted to make love, not war.  Today young Joe would probably have been suspended from the school and labeled as a sex offender which would have left me free to pursue Marian in a more subtle and refined manner.  But alas, my opportunity had come and gone.  Joe had seized the day while I had let it slip through my hands.  I was only six, but love had done stomped on my heart and smashed that sucker flat.  I was left to pick up the pieces and move on.

But fate makes some curious twists and turns. At the end of the school year Marion moved away and I never saw her again.  I heard when I was in college that she was attending the same university I was at, but I did not even have an interest in tracking her down by that time and I am certain that I had been long forgotten.  And what became of my rival Joe?  Well as the years went on, we became great friends.  We shared an apartment in college (until it burned down, another story for another day) and when my wedding day arrived, Joe was by my side serving as my best man. 

Happy Valentine’s Day.  You just never know how a good love story will turn out.

Friday Funny February 12, 2016 More Silly Love Songs

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cartoon_clip_art_illustration_of_a_smiley_face_holding_a_heart_0527-1303-3108-1320_SMU

Happy Friday!  Valentine’s Day is upon us. I remember Valentines Day back in grade school.  I would go through the cards that my Mom had purchased carefully matching which card would go to which classmate.  It was always important to make sure that the guys got the macho Batman valentines while the girls would receive the not quite as macho Batman valentines.  On the big day, all the decorated boxes would line the perimeter of the class and we would go around the room delivering cards.  After school I would rush home and go through my box to see if I received a valentine from that cute girl in class and I would be thrilled if I did.  I guess it didn’t occur to me that every kid in the class received a valentine from every other kid in the class.  I guess I have never fully grasped the concept of February 14. 

Well, over the years there has been a boat load of love songs, some good and some not so good.  This weekend, a lot of those songs will be dusted off and played again.  However, we may have “heard” these songs so many times that we don’t “hear” them anymore.  Because if we did, we would probably turn them off.  Here are a few examples.

Enjoy!

Queen – “Crazy Little Thing Called Love”

“This thing called love, I just can’t handle it
This thing called love, I must get round to it
I ain’t ready
Crazy little thing called love”

What better time than Valentine’s Day to let your significant other know that you are not ready for commitment and are a bit unstable as well?

Anne Murray – “You Needed Me”

“You gave me strength to stand alone again
To face the world out on my own again
You put me high upon a pedestal
So high that I could almost see eternity
You needed me, you needed me
You needed me, you needed me”

So, “you needed me”, but thank’s to all you have done for me, I don’t need you anymore??

Foreigner – “I Want To Know What Love Is”

“I gotta take a little time
A little time to think things over
I better read between the lines
In case I need it when I’m older”

Happy Valentine’s Day……let me think about this for a while…

Captain and Tennille – “Muskrat Love”

“Muskrat Suzie, Muskrat Sam
Do the jitterbug at a Muskrat Land
And they shimmy, Sam is so skinny

And they whirl and they twirl and they tango
Singin’ and jinglin’ a jangle
Float like the heavens above
Looks like Muskrat Love”

Most days I try to avoid thinking of furry rodents and Valentine’s Day should not be an exception.  If I saw Muskrat Suzie and Muskrat Sam I would grab a broom and try to shoo them out the door.

Donny Osmond – “Puppy Love” 

“Someone, help me, help me, help me please
Is the answer up above
How can I, how can I tell them
This is not a puppy love” 

Most days I try to avoid thinking of Donny Osmond and Valentine’s Day should not be an exception.  Someone help me, help me please find a way to get this song out of my head.

The Police – “Every Breath You Take” 

“Every single day every word you say,
Every game you play every night you stay,
I’ll be watching you.” 

Is it just me or are these lyrics just a bit creepy? 

Air Supply – “All Out of Love 

“I’m lying alone with my head on the phone,
Thinking of you ’till it hurts
I know that you hurt to, but what else can we do?”

It is not the thinking that hurts, it is lying with your head on the phone; try a nice fluffy pillow instead.

The Greatest Love of All – George Benson/Whitney Houston

“Everybody’s searching for a hero
People need someone to look up to
I never found anyone who fulfilled my needs
A lonely place to be
And so I learned to depend on me”

Happy Valentine’s Day, I hope you love me as much as I do!

Thought for the Week

The heart has its reasons that reason knows nothing of  ~Blaise Pascal, Pensées, 1670

  http://www.quotegarden.com 

 

Friday Funny February 5, 2016 Jokes for the Big Game

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football

Happy Friday!  This is the weekend for the big game.  I had the TV on tonight and there were commercials for Super Bowl related hype Friday Night and Saturday Night leading up to the all day pregame Sunday which served to remind me why I will once again not watch the game.  If you think about it, the actual game is quite secondary to the commercials and the half-time lip syncing show.  But if you find yourself at a Super Bowl party Sunday and the game get boring and you need a football related joke.  Well, I am here for you.

Enjoy!

Where do hungry football players play?   In the Supper Bowl.

What kind of ends do you find in libraries?  Book ends.

what’s the difference between a quarterback and a baby?  One takes the snap, the other takes a nap.

Which football team cooks gourmet meals together?  The Kansas City Chefs.

Which player is the easiest target to hit with the football? The wide receiver.

What does your teacher call if you run your sentences  together and never use periods or commas?   “Illegal use of ands”

What football player has very strong legs and builds houses? A car-punter.

Why did the referee call a penalty on the car-punter?  “Roofing the passer.”

What should you put in the end zone to keep the other team away?  A scorecrow.

THE OTHER BIG GAME

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the small animals. The big animals were crushing small animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

As the defensive players huddled around the coach, he asked excitedly, “Who stopped the elephant?!”

“I did,” said the centipede.

“And who stopped the rhino?”

“Uh, that was me too,” said the centipede.

“Well what about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?”

“Well, that was me as well,” said the centipede.

“So where were you all during the first half?” demanded the coach.

“Well,” said the centipede, “I was having my ankles taped…..”

Thought for the Week

“I had pro offers from the Detroit Lions and Green Bay Packers, who were pretty hard up for linemen in those days. If I had gone into professional football the name Jerry Ford might have been a household word today.” ~ President Gerald Ford

 

Friday Funny January 29, 2016 Vanity of Vanities Plates

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Happy Friday!  We are about ready to cross one month off of 2016 and by now those New Year’s Resolutions are broken and long-forgotten.  Cheer up!  It is Friday and time a little humor.

Lots of folks have vanity plates. While the accountant in me does not allow me to spend more on my license plates than I absolutely have to, I can enjoy seeing some of the more unique vanity plates out there. Here are some of my favorites.

Enjoy!

MMMBACON – because we all know that bacon makes everything better

LICENSE – possibly the most generic vanity plate out there

IAMLATE – Maybe you should try leaving a little earlier

MMOVIT – I am sure this makes the car in front of you go faster

HI DEBT –  No one forced you to buy the most expensive car on the lot

BOOYAH – we all need a little excitement and celebration in our days

U C ME – why, yes I do

HASAGUN – I think I will give you a little extra space

CANT C – I will give you  even more extra space

MEE00WW – don’t let this cat out of the bag

EWW P00P – one has to wonder why someone wanted this for a license plate

BE G00D – a little friendly advice from the car in front of you

IMBROKE – I have to wonder why you are paying the extra yearly fees for this plate

HAD 2 HV 1 – you may have wanted one, but not sure you “had” to have it 

G3TSM4RT – wonder if the other car in the garage has a plate with “AGENT99” on it?

HV2RUN – the car or the person? in the car or outside of the car?

PIR8SHIP – arrgh!

WDRFULL – a positive outlook cannot hurt

NVRLKBK – wonder if this is a philosophical statement or what he does before changing lanes?

IH8 PPL – I am certain this driver is a little ray of sunshine!

SLZBAG – do you really want to advertise this?

On a Mini Cooper – CRAMPED

On a Smart Car – NOTDUMB

On a Crown Victoria – NOT COP

On a Ford Bronco – NOT OJ

On a Mercedes – NOT POOR

On an Infinity – N BYOND

On an Impala – VLAD THE

Thought for the Week

Baseball is like driving, it’s the one who gets home safely that counts. ~Tommy Lasorda

www,quotegarden.com

 

Friday Funny January 22, 2016 You Might Be a Redneck Jedi

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redneckjedi2

Happy Friday! I have not made it to see the new Star Wars movie yet, but the arrival of the latest installment brings to mind the question of whether or not there might be Redneck Jedi’s.  See how you stack up.

Enjoy!

You Might Be A Redneck Jedi If…..

that “disturbance in the Force” was just last night’s baked beans.
the inside of your house looks more like Dagobah than the outside.
your land-speeder has a gun rack.
you call Yoda your Li’l green buddy.
you fight with a light-saber in one hand and a spit cup in the other.
you’ve ever used your light-saber to pick your teeth.
your Jedi robe is camouflage colored.
at least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored.
you’ve ever said that Ewok tastes a lot like chicken.
no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks you can find.
you have ever used the Force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
you have ever had your R2 unit use its arc welding torch to get the light the grill.
you have ever used a light-saber to skin a deer.
you have bantha horns on the front of your land-speeder.
your master ever said “My finger you will pull..hmmm?”
you have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
the worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters.
wookies are offended by the way you smell. 
you have fuzzy dice hanging in the cockpit of your X-Wing.
you’ve used a storm trooper helmet as a spittoon.
you think the idea of sleeping inside the belly of a Tauntaun sounds cozy.
you have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
you’ve ever gone AT-AT tipping.
your belt buckle weighs more than your light saber.
the tail light covers on your land-speeder are made of red tape.
you are known to say, “May the Force be with Y’all.”
you feel that duct tape is like the force: it has a light side and a dark side and it holds                  the universe together. 

Thought for the Week

“You do have your moments. Not many, but you have them.” ~ Princess Leia, The Empire Strikes Back

Friday Funny January 15, 2016 Knock Knock Jokes

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door

Happy Friday!  Sometimes Friday comes around and I am left scratching my head trying to find a Friday Funny.  When I get to the point that I am out of ideas and nothing seems that funny, I turn to my old friend the “Knock knock” joke.  It has been said that a pun is the lowest form of humor, I offer the “Knock knock” joke as the lowest form of humor.  Fortunately there are a ton of them out there.  So, this week, I scrape toward the bottom of the barrel.

Enjoy!

“Knock knock.”                                                                                                                                    “Who’s there?”                                                                                                                                                “Hanna.”                                                                                                                                                          “Hanna who?”                                                                                                                                    “Hanna partridge in a pear tree.”

“Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Cows go”
“Cows go who?”
“Cows don’t go who, cows go moo!”

“Knock knock.”                                                                                                                                                “Who’s there?”                                                                                                                                                “A broken pencil.”                                                                                                                                        “A broken pencil who?”                                                                                                                      “Never Mind. It’s pointless.”

“Knock knock.”                                                                                                                                          “Who’s there?”                                                                                                                                              “Theodore!”                                                                                                                                                “Theodore who?”                                                                                                                                          “Theodore wasn’t open, so I knocked.”

“Knock knock.”                                                                                                                                                “Who’s there?”                                                                                                                                                “Nana.”                                                                                                                                                              “Nana who?”                                                                                                                                                    “Nanna your business.”

“Knock knock.”                                                                                                                                                “Who’s there?”                                                                                                                                            “Al.”                                                                                                                                                                    “Al who?”                                                                                                                                                      “Al give you a kiss if you open this door.”

“Who’s there?”                                                                                                                                                “Euripides.”                                                                                                                                                  “Euripides who?”                                                                                                                                             “Euripides jeans, you pay for them.”

“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Adair!”
“Adair who?”
“Adair once but I’m bald now!”

“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Aesop!”
“Aesop who?”
“Aesop I saw a puddy cat.”

“Knock knock.”                                                                                                                                                “Who’s there?”                                                                                                                                                “To.”                                                                                                                                                                  “To who?”                                                                                                                                                        “To whom!”

“Knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Sadie.”
“Sadie who?”
“Sadie magic word and the Friday Funny is ended!”

Thought for the Week

“Too often, the opportunity knocks, but by the time you push back the chain, push back the bolt, unhook the two locks and shut off the burglar alarm, it’s too late.” ~ Rita Coolidge

http://www.brainyquote.com

Friday Funny January 8, 2016 Predictions that Just Missed…

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eightball

Happy Friday!  We are now one full week into 2016.  A new year always brings new hopes and often predictions as we look to the future.  More often than not these predictions end up missing the mark by a little or by a lot.  Here are a few past predictions for you to ponder in the early days of this new year.

Enjoy!

“Everyone’s always asking me when Apple will come out with a cell phone. My answer is, ‘Probably never.'”—David Pogue, The New York Times, 2006

“Two years from now, spam will be solved.”—Bill Gates, 2004

“Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.” —Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science,1949

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” –Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

“But what … is it good for?” –Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM 1968, commenting on the microchip.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” –Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

 “There is practically no chance communications space satellites will be used to provide better telephone, telegraph, television or radio service inside the United States.”—T.A.M. Craven, Federal Communications Commission commissioner (1961)

“640K ought to be enough for anybody.” — Bill Gates, 1981

“Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.” –Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.  

 “Television won’t be able to hold onto any market it captures after the first six months. People will soon get tired of staring at a plywood box every night.”—Darryl Zanuck, 20th Century Fox, 1946

 “Rail travel at high-speed is not possible because passengers, unable to breathe, would die of asphyxia.” –Dr Dionysys Larder (1793-1859)

“Taking the best left-handed pitcher in baseball and converting him into a right fielder is one of the dumbest things I ever heard.” — Tris Speaker, baseball hall of famer, talking about Babe Ruth, 1919

“If excessive smoking actually plays a role in the production of lung cancer, it seems to be a minor one.” –W.C. Heuper, National Cancer Institute, 1954.

“Everything that can be invented has been invented.” –Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

Thought for the Week

So, hope-lit New Year, with thy joys uncertain,
Whose unsolved mystery none may foretell,
I calmly trust my God to lift thy curtain:
Safe in his love, for me ’twill all be well.
~Julia B. Cady (d.1869), “New-Year Thoughts,” in Sabbath at Home, January 1870

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

More Cost Cutting by the Reds

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MASCOTS

Today, the Cincinnati Reds continued the all-out rebuilding of the team that started at last season’s trade deadline with deals of Mike Leake and Johnny Cueto and has continued during the off-season with the departures of Todd Frazier and Aroldis Chapman.  Today, Reds Executive Management announced a three team deal that will send Mr. Red, Mr. Redlegs and Rosie to the Milwaukee Brewers.  The Brewers in turn will send Bernie Brewer to the Philadelphia Phillies who, in turn will send the Phillie Phanatic to Cincinnati.

A Red’s spokesman stated that it was just no longer feasible for a small market team like the Reds to carry four mascots.  The Philadelphia Phillies, like the Reds, finished last in their division in 2015 and, also like the Reds are looking to rebuild.  The Reds are hoping to achieve a great deal of synergy by pairing the Phanatic with Gapper in an effort to both bolster the popularity of Gapper as well as revive the career of the Phanatic.  While the Phanatic has had an iconic and Mascot Hall of Fame Career, his popularity has waned in recent years as the Phillies have slipped in the standings.

Philllies Management stated that, while they appreciated the long and distinguished career that the Phanatic has had, they felt it was just time to change direction.  The new direction for the franchise is actually a retro approach with Bernie Brewer stepping into a role similar to the one played by Philadelphia Phil, the more traditional mascot of the team prior to the arrival of the Phanatic.

While the past few seasons have been disappointing for the Milwaukee club, they have high hopes for the upcoming season and due to some transactions made during 2015 have freed up enough salary room where they believe an expansion from one to three mascots will only add to the excitement of the game experience.  Brewer’s Management was not yet ready to commit on which one of the three new arrivals will be the one to take the post home run slide or if, perhaps, that duty will be shared in some fashion.

Friday Funny January 1, 2016 Happy New Year!

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Welcome to 2016!  Another year full of opportunity and possibility.  Here is wishing you the best for the coming year.  

One of the staples of year-end is the countdown:  the top stories of the year, the top songs of the year and so forth.  So, I thought why not the top jokes of the year?  Unfortunately I don’t have that list, but here is “a list” of ten jokes.

Enjoy!

Why aren’t koalas actual bears?  They don’t meet the koalafications.

I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”  I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”

How did the hipster burn his mouth?  He ate the pizza before it was cool.

What’s a pirates favorite letter?  You think it’s R but it be the C.

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.  That’s just how I roll.

How do you make an egg-roll? You push it!

What did the cobbler say when a cat wandered into his shop?  Shoe!!

What do you do when you see a spaceman? PARK YOUR CAR, MAN

I used to be in a band, we were called ‘LOST DOG’. You probably saw our posters.

My boss called me into his office today. “We both know you’re not the brightest spark here, Leonard,” he said, “but over the last 8 years you’ve never been sick or late and I think you deserve a reward. So, how does a brand new car sound?” “Vrooom! Vrooooom!” I replied.

Thought for the Week

Be at War with your Vices, at Peace with your Neighbours, and let every New-Year find you a better Man. ~Quoted in Benjamin Franklin’s 1755 Poor Richard’s Almanac, December

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