Category Archives: Humor

Friday Funny February 14, 2025 What I Learned About Love From 70’s Love Songs.

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Happy Friday!  Happy Valentine’s Day!  This is a day when love is celebrated.  As I think back on some of the most popular songs of the 1970’s, it makes me wonder if they were giving very good advice about matters of the heart?

Enjoy!

“Babe” – Styx

“Babe, I’m leaving

I’ll say it once again

And somehow try to smile

I know the feeling

We’re trying to forget

If only for a while”

Love means: I am leaving – deal with it.

“I’d Really Love to See You Tonight”—England Dan & John Ford Coley

“And I was thinking maybe later on

We could get together for a while

It’s been such a long time

And I really do miss your smile

I’m not talking about moving in

And I don’t want to change your life

But there’s a warm wind blowing, the stars are out

And I’d really love to see you tonight”

Love means:  I would like to hang out with you, but don’t expect any real commitment from me.

“I’m Not in Love”—10cc

“I like to see you, but then again

That doesn’t mean you mean that much to me

So if I call you, don’t make a fuss

Don’t tell your friends about the two of us”

Love means:  not much, don’t make a big deal out of it.

“Baby Come Back”—Player

“All day long, I’m wearing a mask of false bravado

Trying to keep up a smile that hides a tear

But as the sun goes down, I get that empty feeling again”

Love means: putting on a good show when your heart is broken.

“More Than a Feeling”—Boston

”So many people have come and gone

Their faces fade as the years go by

Yet I still recall as I wander on

As clear as the sun in the summer sky”

Love means:  memories fade over time.

“On and On”—Stephen Bishop

“Got the sun on my shoulders

And my toes in the sand

Woman’s left me for some other man

Aw, but I don’t care

“I’ll just dream and stay tan

Toss up my heart and see where it lands.”

Love means:  You get hurt so often you stop caring.

“Lonesome Loser”—Little River Band

“Unlucky in love, least that’s what they say

He lost his head and he gambled his heart away

He still keeps searching though there’s nothing left

Staked his heart and lost, now he has to pay the cost”

Love Means: Love is a lot like buying a lottery ticket – the odds are stacked against you.

“The Things That We Do for Love”—10CC

“Too many broken hearts have fallen in the river

Too many lonely souls have drifted out to sea

You lay your bets and then you pay the price

The things we do for love”

Love Means: Love is a lot like buying a lottery ticket – the odds are stacked against you.

“Baby Don’t Get Hooked on Me”—Mac Davis

“Just keep it friendly, girl

Cause I don’t wanna leave

Don’t start clinging to me, girl

Cause I can’t breathe”

Love means: I will hang around as long as it is convenient for me.

“Love Hurts”—Nazareth

“Love hurts, love scars

Love wounds and mars

Any heart

Not tough or strong enough

To take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain”

Love means: Love hurts – should probably avoid it

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby—awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.” ~ Lemony Snicket

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Friday Funny February 7, 2025 Even More Valentine Jokes

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Happy February!  Groundhog Day is behind us and next Friday is Valetine’s Day.  I thought you might love some early Valentine Jokes.

Enjoy!

Never fall in love with a pastry chef, she will dessert you.

You should ask someone out on a coffee date if you like them a latte.

Why did the skeleton break up with her boyfriend before Valentine’s Day?  Her heart wasn’t in it.

Did you know that if a chef really falls in love with you, she will whisk you off your feet?

Giving your Valentine a charcuterie board is a great way to say, “brie mine, Valentine.”

What did the scientist say to her Valentine?  “I think of you periodically.”

What did one triangle say to the other on Valentine’s Day? “You’re acute.”

Would you call a romance that started at an aquarium guppy love?

Did you know that you can find love in a grocery store?  Aisle B… there for you.

You should never laugh at your significant other’s choices because you’re one of them.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” ~ Charles M. Schulz

——————————————————————————————————————————- You can check out my latest podcast episode at the following link

Friday Funny January 31, 2025 Some Useless Information

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Happy last Friday in January! Hope 2025 has gotten off to a great start for you.  This week, I am offering up some random, useless facts circulating on the Internet.  I won’t guarantee they are all true, but my guess is you will probably try to verify at least one of them.

Enjoy!

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour – could this be the next big diet craze?

Every time you lick a stamp, you’re consuming 1/10 of a calorie – so you might have to bang your head against the wall a few more times after getting the mail together.

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra’s “Its A Wonderful Life”.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds – I think I know some people who are part goldfish.

The phrase “rule of thumb” is derived from and old English law which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.

Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt”.

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill – you want to get a magnifying glass right now, don’t you?

Did you know you share your birthday with at least 9 other million people in the world? – so much for “your special day.”

In Casablanca, Humphrey Bogart never said “Play It Again, Sam.”

Sherlock Holmes never said “Elementary, My Dear Watson.”

A Cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death – wonder what it does for those nine days?

A Boeing 747’S wingspan is longer than the Wright Brother’s first flight.

Charlie Chaplin once won third place in a Charlie Chaplin lookalike contest.


“Hang On Sloopy” is the Official Rock Song of Ohio.

In 1977 there were 37 Elvis impersonators in the world. In 1993, there were 48,000. At this rate, it will not be long before one out of every three people will be an Elvis impersonator.

Thought for the Week

Good for the body is the work of the body, and good for the soul is the work of the soul, and good for either is the work of the other.  ~Henry David Thoreau

www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny January 24, 2025 Jokes That Work

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Happy Friday!  Now that we are past the half-way point of January, we are back at work with our noses to the grindstones, so let’s kick off the weekend with some work-related humor.

Enjoy!

Did you hear about the spreadsheet that went to therapy because it had cell issues?

Did you hear about the PowerPoint presentation that crossed the road to get to the other slide?

Is it true that accountants can stay calm because they know how to balance their worries?

I always keep a clock under my desk so I can work overtime.

I told my boss I saw a deer on the way to work. He said, “How do you know it was going to work?”

Where I work, we are so eco-friendly that even the food in the fridge is green and growing.

I asked if I could leave work early the other day, and the boss said, “yes, if I made up the time.” I said, “sure, it’s seventy-five past twenty-three.”

I had to phone the credit card company today; the answering recording stated all the client representatives were engaged. I thought that was nice, but it does not help me resolve my issue.

I think I got my job because of my motivational skills. People say they have to work twice as hard when I’m around.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes, so she gave me a hug.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“You’ve got to think about the big things while you’re doing the small things so that all the small things go in the right direction.” ~  Alvin Toffler

Friday Funny January 3, 2025 Short Jokes to Begin the Year

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Happy Friday! Welcome to 2025, here is wishing you all the best for the new year.

Enjoy!

If you get advice from a cow, would you call that beef tips?

Would you call a musician with problems a trebled man?

What do you call an obese psychic a four-chin teller?

Is it true that pediatricians are grumpy because they have little patients?

I heard that barbers are never late for work because they know all the short cuts.

If a frog’s car breaks down does he get it toad away?

If someone who does not like carbs would that make them lack-toast intolerant?

If I wrote you an apology using in dots and dashes, would that be Re-Morse code?

The other day I found glasses on my cell-phone, it seems it had lost its contacts.

I like elephants. Everything else is irrelephant.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Your present circumstances don’t determine where you can go, they merely determine where you start.” ~ Nido Qubein

You can check out my podcast at the following link:

The Night Before Christmas In The Digital Age

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It is Christmas Eve, so time for me once again to apologize to Clement Clarke Moore and share my adaptation of his classic for the digital age.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Enjoy!

‘Twas the day before Christmas, when at my house

I was at the computer, moving the mouse;

It was time for another Friday Funny, does anyone care

If in the morning, the email inbox has a funny there?

Two of my boys were still nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of homemade cookies danced in their heads;

While mamma was working, I was off for the day,

It seemed like there was nothing funny for me to say,

When out on the Internet there arose such a clatter,

I sprang to my browser to see what was the matter.

Away to another window I flew like a flash,

Hoping as always that my computer would not crash.

The back-lighting of the monitor produced a glow

Which gave a slight luster to objects below,

As I wondered from web site to web site what should appear,

But a miniature sleigh jpg, complete with reindeer,

With a little driver icon, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

More rapid than dsl downloads his cursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

“Now, Yahoo! now, Google! now, Facebook and Amazon!

On, ebay! on youtube! on, myspace and ask.com!

To the top of the screen! to the top of the wall!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”

As deleted lines that before the backspace button fly,

When they meet with a click, mount to the sky,

So up to the screen-top the cursers they flew,

With a file full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the speaker

The prancing and pawing of each little squeaker.

As I drew in my hand, and was scrolling around,

Downloading an mpeg, St. Nicholas came with a bound.

He was digitally dressed from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were photo-shopped with ashes and soot;

A bundle of toys he had superimposed on his back,

And he looked like a Trojan file just opening his pack.

His eyes — they pulsated! his dimples they grew!

His cheeks had roses painted on them, his nose was blue!

His droll little mouth transfigured to a bow,

And the beard of his chin turned into white snow;

His pipe was a tree stump he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke wafted up and became a green wreath;

He had a broad face and a little round belly,

That shook, when he laughed and turned into jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;

Two winking eyes and a fast spinning head,

Soon gave me to know I had no virus to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

He backed up my hard drive; then turned with a jerk,

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, up the window he rose;

He sprang to his jpg, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he deleted his cookie from sight,

“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.”

© 2019 LeonardsLines.com

Friday Funny December 20, 2024 More Santa Jokes

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Happy Friday!  Christmas is less than a week away so it is time for some Santa jokes.

Enjoy!

If Kris Kringle takes a vacation, would that be a Santa pause?

I heard that Santa went to the podiatrist because he had mistletoes.

Is it true that reindeer decorate their antlers with horn-aments?

I heard that Santa Claus joined Instagram because he wanted online presents.

Did you know Santa Claus has trouble spelling because he thinks there’s No-L?

Did you know that Santa’s elves drive to work in minivans?

The reason that Santa comes down the chimney instead of through the door is because it soots him.

I read that Santa’s keeps his clothes clean by washing them with (Yule)Tide.

I heard that when Santa met Mrs. Claus for the first time, it was love at frost sight.

I read that Santa installed GPS on his sleigh because he doesn’t want to be a lost Claus.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger.” ~ Robert Paul

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You can find my latest podcast at the following link – https://www.iheart.com/podcast/269-leonard-looks-at-life-126237165/episode/ghosts-of-christmas-past-249725566/

Friday Funny December 13, 2024 Christmas Tree Jokes

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Happy Friday!  Christmas is fast approaching, so it seemed like a good time for some Christmas Tree jokes.

Enjoy!

Did you hear about the Christmas tree that went to the barber because it needed a trim?

Is it true that a Christmas tree’s favorite candy is orna-mints?

I heard that Christmas trees are bad at knitting because they always drop their needles.

I heard that Christmas trees so fond of the past because the present’s beneath them.

Did you hear what the Christmas tree did after it’s bank closed? It started its own branch.

Did you know that young trees that want to learn to become Christmas trees go to elemen-tree school?

Did you hear about the Christmas tree that went to the dentist because it needed a root canal?

Did you hear about the soldier who snuck behind enemy lines disguised as a Christmas tree? He was a decorated veteran.

Would you call a Christmas tree that knows Kung Fu, Spruce Lee?

I put a string of popcorn on my Christmas tree.  I think it looks butter now.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Some Christmas tree ornaments do a lot more than glitter and glow, they represent a gift of love given a long time ago.” ~ Tom Baker

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You can find my latest podcast here:

https://www.iheart.com/podcast/269-leonard-looks-at-life-126237165/episode/rethinking-rudolph-the-red-nosed-reindeer-247520104/

Friday Funny December 6, 2024 Candy Cane Jokes

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Happy Friday!  With Christmas fast approaching, it seemed like a like a good time to unwrap some candy cane jokes.

Enjoy!

Santa never has to worry about the state of his candy cane collection because  they are all in mint condition.

When a gingerbread man breaks his leg, does he use candy canes?

If a candy cane could talk, would he say what he mint?

I heard that the candy cane crossed the road to avoid getting licked.

If a candy cane was sad, would it be red, white, and blue?

If a dog ate to many candy canes would it have a peppermint bark?

Would you call a sharpened candy cane a spearmint?

Candy canes are kind of like relationships—sweet, with a few twists.

Would a candy cane’s favorite subject in school be Math-mint-ics?

Would a candy cane’s favorite types of fruit be candy-lopes and cle-mint-ines?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?” – Bob Hope

You can find my latest podcast at

https://www.iheart.com/podcast/269-leonard-looks-at-life-126237165/episode/what-to-wear-245178273/

Friday Funny November 29, 2024 Leftover Jokes

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Happy Friday!  I hope you enjoyed your Thanksgiving Day.  Now is the time for leftovers and shopping.  So, here are some leftover jokes.

Enjoy!

It seems like every year I find myself eating leftovers from Thanksgiving for weeks afterwards.  Not this year though, I’m quitting cold turkey.

I was planning on taking Thanksgiving leftovers home, alas my plans were foiled

Thanksgiving leftovers are always good, until they’re not.

The waitress asked me if I wanted a box for our leftovers. I said no but I’ll wrestle you for it.

Did you hear about the cheese that did not want to get sliced because it had grater plans?

You know baking puns are a piece of cake, but cooking puns are hard-boiled.

You might think cooking puns are rare, but they’re well-done in every way.

If you are making a salad, one needs romaine calm.

I heard about the baker who nervous because he had whisked everything.

Did you hear about the pie that went to the dentist because it needed a filling?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“We should certainly count our blessings, but we should also make our blessings count.” ~  Neal A. Maxwell

You can find my latest podcast here:

https://www.iheart.com/podcast/269-leonard-looks-at-life-126237165/episode/thanksgiving-242845759/