Friday Funny August 12, 2016 Gold Medal Humor

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Happy Friday!  The Olympics are well under way now.  It reminds of how in my younger days I wanted to be an Olympic 400m runner, but I soon discovered that there were just too many hurdles in my way.  However, I did round-up some Olympic jokes for you.

Enjoy!

Three American citizens went to Rio to see the summer Olympics.  Unfortunately they spent all their money on the trip and by the time they arrived there was no money left to purchase tickets to the events.  They were despondently standing outside the stadium where the Olympics were being held, bemoaning the fact that no money remained to buy a ticket to gain admission.  They all wanted to go so badly and to cheer on their countrymen. 

They took notice as competitors from around the world entered through a special back gate simply by telling the guard their country and event. This gave them an idea.

One of the three friends looked around and found a length of pipe lying on the ground.  He hefted it to his shoulder, walked to the gate and told the guard “England. High jump.” And the guard let him in! 

This inspired the second friend who looked around, picked up a manhole cover, and headed for the special gate. “Russia. Discus,” he told the guard, and in he went. 

Not to be left behind, the third friend, quickly conducted a frantic search.  However, all  he could find was some barbed wire. So, he grabbed it, ran to the gate, and announced “Poland. Fencing.”

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At the Olympic Games, Rhoda meets a man carrying an eight-foot-long metal stick.
‘Excuse me,’ says Rhoda to the man. ‘Are you a pole vaulter?’

‘No,”‘ says the man, ‘I’m German, but how did you know my name is Walter?’


The Olympic Best Seller List:

“The Olympic Trials” by Willy Qualify.

“Winter Olympic Sports” by Bob Sled.

“How to Do Gymnastics” by Tom E. Tuck.

“How to Win at the Olympics” by Vick Tori.

“The Marathon” by Will E. Makit.

Thought for the Week

“We all have dreams. But in order to make dreams come into reality, it takes an awful lot of determination, dedication, self discipline, and effort.” — Jesse Owens, American track and field athlete and four-time gold medalist in 1936.

Friday Funny August 5, 2016 Rolling into the Weekend

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Happy Friday!  As we roll into the month of August here are a few car related jokes chosen especially for you.

Enjoy!

A woman is driving down a road. A man is driving down the same road from the opposite direction. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells “PIG!!” The man immediately leans out her window and yells “JERK!!” They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next curve he crashes into a herd of pigs in the middle of the road.

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A man needs to cross the street. But as he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him. So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just stops in the middle of the road. The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and stops next to the man. The driver rolls down the window. It’s a squirrel. He says, “See, it’s not as easy as it looks.”

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A policeman pulls a car over for speeding.  He walks up to the driver’s window and asks: “Sir, do you know you were doing 110 mph in a 90 zone?”.  The man replies “Yes! I’m Sorry, but that’s because I was racing another car and lost track of the speed.”  Since he did not see any car besides that, the cop asks – “Sir, have you been drinking?”  The driver replies “A little bit of Whisky, but just because I needed something to take with the LSD I took at a party!”  The started policeman says, “LSD? Sir, I need you to step out of the car! Is there anything else I need to know? Drugs, Firearms?”  The driver adds, “Sure! There is at least 5 pounds of cocaine in my glove department and an AK-47 under my seat! But please, don’t open the trunk, or the person I just kidnapped will scape!”

The policeman cannot believe what he heard and a little afraid, he calls for his superior!

At his arrival, he tells everything to his Captain who goes to speak with the driver:

Captain: “Sir, my subordinate told me you have a kidnapped person in your trunk!” The driver opens the trunk: “As you can see, there’s no one here, but my jack and spare tire”

Captain: “What about the AK under your seat?”  The driver pulls his seat forward: “There’s no such thing here, just an umbrella!!”

Captain: “I see! And the cocaine in your glove compartment?”  Driver opens the glove compartment: “you must be kidding me! Only my registration’s there!”

Captain: “Have you been drinking or engaging in any kind of drugs?”  Driver: “Sir, I don’t smoke cigarettes, don’t drink. I’ve been in my home all night with my mom. That cop over there must be kidding you! HE told you I was drunk, took drugs, was armed and a drug dealer, and had kidnapped someone? I suppose he probably told you that I was speeding too?”

Thought for the Week

Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were. ~Author Unknown

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny July 29, 2016 Shark Jokes

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Happy Friday!  Scanning through the television channels this week, I noticed that it was Shark Week.  So, here are a few jokes for you to ink your teeth into.

Enjoy!

I was at the beach recently today when I saw a man in the sea yelling “Help, shark! Help!”I just chuckled to myself because I was pretty sure that shark wasn’t going to help him.

I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.  He asked me if I punched the shark on the nose.  I said, “No, it just attacked me for no reason.”

Did you hear about the aquarium owner? His shark was worse than his pike.

Q: why did the shark cross the great barrier reef?
A: to get to the other TIDE

Q: What is a shark’s favorite kind of sandwich?
A: Peanut butter and jellyfish!

Q: how did the crazy shark become normal again?
A: electro shark therapy

Q: Why don’t sharks have tools?
A: They don’t have opposable thumbs

Q: Why do sharks make terrible lawyers?
A: They’re too nice!

Q: What does a shark order at McDonald’s?
A: a quarter flounder with cheese

Q: What is a shark’s favorite sci-fi show                                                                                              A: Shark Trek 

Q: Why don’t sharks like fast food?                                                                                                      A: Because they can’t catch it! 

Q: What do you call a shark that can’t stop singing “U Can’t Touch This?”                               A: M.C. Hammerhead. 

Q: What did one shark say to try to comfort a friend who had just gotten out of a relationship                                                                                                                                                 A: “its OK there are plenty of other birds in the sky” 

Thought for the Week

Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: you find the present tense but the past perfect! ~Attributed to both Owens Lee Pomeroy (1929–2008) and Robert Orben (b.1927)

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny July 22, 2016, How Hot Is It?

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Happy Friday!  It is mid July and it is hotter than a firecracker on the fourth of July!  You are probably ready to punch the next person that asks, “Is it hot enough for you?  As they say we cannot do anything about the weather, so we might as well laugh at it.

Enjoy!

“How hot is it? It is sooooooooo hot that

the cows are giving evaporated milk.

the chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.

I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walking.

hot water now comes out of both taps.

you can actually burn your hand opening the car door.

you realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

the birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.

the potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

you start putting ice cubes in your water-bed (does anyone still have one of these?).

you can make instant sun tea.

your car overheats before you even start the engine.

you learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

I’m sweating like a politician on election day.

all the bread in the store is toast.

the catfish are already fried when you catch them.

the fire ants are really on fire.

the cornfield popped.

New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg was seen drinking a Big Gulp

Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner

I just saw a guy on the exit ramp with a sign that said “Will work for shade.”

Cincinnati Reds fans are taking the bags off of their heads.

I just fried a sidewalk in my good egg pan.

And finally…..

It was so hot that I found it rather uncomfortable.

Thought for the Week

What good is the warmth of summer, without the cold of winter to give it sweetness. ~John Steinbeck

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

Friday Funny July 15, 2016 Letting the Cat Out of the Bag

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Happy Friday!  Last week I gathered some dog jokes to send out.  So, in an effort to be fair and balanced, this week I found some cat jokes for you.

Enjoy!

Q: What do cats use to make coffee? A: A purrcolator.

Q: What do you use to comb a cat? A: A catacomb.

Q: What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A: A CAT-HAS-TROPHY! 

Q: What do you call a pile of kittens? A: a meowntain 

Q: Why don’t cats like online shopping? A: They prefer a cat-alogue.

Q: What did the cat say when he lost all his money? A: I’m paw!

Q: Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn? A: She had a litter of mittens. 

Q: What do you call the cat that was caught by the police? A: The purrpatrator. 

Q: What do you call a cat that gets anything it wants? A: Purrr-suasive. 

Q: What do you feed an invisible cat? A: Evaporated milk. 

Q: Did you hear about the cat that thought she was a dog? A: She was purr-plexed. 

Q: Did you hear about the cat that climbed the Himalayas? A: She was a sher-paw. 

Dogs vs. Cats Top 10 Differences

1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap.

2.  Cats look silly on a leash.

3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.

4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you’ve ever made since the day you were born.

5. A dog knows when you’re sad. And he’ll try to comfort you. Cats don’t care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.

6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers.

7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won’t go at all.

8. Dogs will come when you call them. And they’ll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you.

9. Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they’re in pain.

10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door. 

Thought for the Week
In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him. ~Dereke Bruce
http://www.quotegarden.com

Don’t Spend It All In One Place

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We are assaulted by advertisements all the time.  Every time we turn on the TV or the radio we see and hear commercials.  Most of the commercials go in one ear and out the other, but every once in a while, something about an ad will make me stop and listen and then I start to think which is usually not good.

Today, I heard a commercial for a certain brand of gasoline with a great new additive that will help to prolong the life of my car.  Sounds nice.  Plus, there is almost always a “plus,” as an added bonus it will improve my gas mileage.  Well, who does not want better gas mileage?  But, being the kind of person I am, I had to ask, “How much of a difference will it really make?”

The advertisement states that using this product will restore an “average of 3 – 5 miles per tank.”  Notice that is per TANK, not per gallon.  So, they are losing my interest rather quickly, but just for fun (I know, I need to get out more!) let’s put some numbers to this and see what impact using this product would really have.

First, we need some numbers. So, let’s assume the following: 1) I buy a new car and will keep it for 15 years; 2) I will be an average US driver and drive 13,500 miles per year; 3) I will average 25.5 miles per gallon; 4) My gas tank holds 15 gallons of fuel; 4) the price of gas is $2.50.

Next, if we do the math, we will divide the miles driven (13,500 x 15) by the average MPG of 25.5.  The result is that I can expect to use 7,942 gallons of gas over the next 15 years.  So, if my gas tank holds 15 gallons, then I will use approximately 530 tanks over than time.  The ad claims an improvement of 3-5 miles per tank, so let’s go right in the middle and use 4 miles per tank.

OK, so 4 miles per tank means I will improve 2,120 miles over the life of the vehicle.  So, if the average MPG is 25.5, then that will save me 86.5 gallons.  If we assume the price of gas is $2.50, then I will save $216.25.  Well a dollar is a dollar, so $200 is nice.  But remember, that is over 15 years, so my average savings per year is a little less than $14,50, or not quite three Pepperoni Hot ‘N Ready’s.  

Now, I am not all that excited about what this product will do for me.  This is a major name brand of gasoline and often the major brands cost a little more.  So, if the price of this particular brand, on average, is more than $0.03 higher than the competition, the savings completely disappear. 

I am all for better gas mileage and I am all for saving money; however, it will take more than three pepperoni pizzas a year to get me excited about going out of my way for this brand of gasoline.

 

Friday Funny July 8, 2016 Dog Days of Summer

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Happy Friday!  We are in July and headed toward those dog days of summer, so why not start your Friday with some canine humor?

Enjoy!

A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says, ‘I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.’

A dog walks into a job center. ‘Wow, a talking dog,’ says the clerk. ‘With your talent I’m sure we can find you a gig in the circus.’ ‘The circus?’ says the dog. ‘What does a circus want with a plumber?’

Two men are talking about animals. One says to the other, ‘I know of a dog worth $100,000.’ ‘Really??’ replies the other. ‘Who would have thought a dog could save so much.’

Q: What looks like a dog, eats dog food, lives in a doghouse, and is very dangerous?
A: A dog with a machete.

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: It doesn’t matter; he still won’t come when you call.

Q: What do you call a dog that licks an electrical socket? A: Sparky.

Q: What did the dog say to the tree?  A:  Bark!

Q:  What do you call a dog with a surround sound system? A: a sub-woofer.

Q: What did the dog say to the sandpaper? A:  Ruff!

Q: What happened when the dog went to the flea circus? A: He stole the show!

Q: What do you call a dog magician? A: A labracadabrador.

Q: Who is the dog’s favorite comedian? A: Growlcho Marx!

Thought for the Week

My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am. ~Author Unknown

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny July 1, 2016 Odd and Interesting Facts About the USA

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Happy Friday!  Happy Independence Day!  I hope you get to enjoy the weekend and have the opportunity to reflect what this day stands for.  There is something to see and learn from sea to shining sea, so here is just a sampling of some interesting things about the good ‘ole US of A to kick off your Friday.  

Enjoy!

The oldest capital city in the U.S. is Santa Fe, New Mexico, founded in 1610. 

The tallest point in Florida is only 345 feet – wonder if they have a ski lodge at the site?

More breakfast cereal is made in Battle Creek, Michigan than in any other city worldwide – the place really is G-R-R-R-R-E-A-T!

Montana has three times as many cows as it does people – kind of makes me want to mooooove there.

Calvin Coolidge had 2 pet raccoons – Rebecca and Reuben.

The first two navel orange trees in the U.S. were from Brazil and planted in Riverside, California, about 1875. Virtually all navel oranges grown in the U.S. are offspring from these trees. One of the original trees was replanted by Teddy Roosevelt in in 1903 – now, orange you glad you know that?

In 1919, Boston had a molasses disaster. 2 million gallons of crude molasses burst from a tank and pushed its way through the neighborhood and city. It killed at least 21 people and took weeks to clean up – talk about a sticky situation.

The “largest” city in the United States is Juneau, Alaska. It covers about 3,000 square miles. That’s larger than the state of Delaware. In case you are wondering, Jacksonville, Florida is the largest in the lower 48 at just over 800 square miles – I wonder if you can get pizza delivered anywhere within the city limits?

Venus Fly Traps only live in the wild in the Carolina’s and nowhere else in the world. 

According to the U.S. Geological Survey, there are 140 towns and cities in the U.S. that have the word “Christmas” in their names. 

Iced tea was first served at the 1904 St. Louis World’s Fair.  A British businessman wanted to increase tea sales in America – No, his last name was not Lipton.

The Parthenon in Nashville, Tennessee, is the world’s only reproduction of the Parthenon in Athens, Greece. 

Although Ohio is listed as the 17th state in the U.S., it is technically 47th because Congress forgot to vote on a resolution to admit it to the Union until 1953.

Roger Sherman, was the only shoemaker to sign the Declaration of Independence. 

John Adams and Thomas Jefferson both died on July 4, 1826. This was 50 years to the day after the signing of the Declaration of Independence. 

Thought for the Week

Those who expect to reap the blessings of freedom, must, like men, undergo the fatigue of supporting it.  ~Thomas Paine

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

 

 

Friday Funny June 24, 2016 More Summer Travel Ideas

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Happy Friday!  Summer officially arrived this week!  Summer often means travel and if you are still looking for some interesting spots to visit this summer I am here to give you a few ideas.  If your travels will take you through Tennessee or Alabama this summer here are a few places you just might want to check out that are a bit off the beaten path.

Enjoy!

Columbia, Tennessee – Mule Capital of the World – Besides the Mule Day Parade, there is a Mule Day Queen, a Mule Pull, a Liar’s Contest, and a collection of large, painted fiberglass mules.

Dandridge, Tennessee – Bush’s Beans museum – A tribute to canned baked beans, by the company making them for over 100 years, starting at this old general store. Photo ops, displays, a theater playing the “History of Grilling,” and an opportunity to see your weight in beans.  They have a restaurant that does indeed serve beans and other items.  I marked this one off my bucket list last year.

Knoxville, Tennessee – World’s Largest Rubik’s Cube – A restored relic from the 1982 Knoxville World’s Fair.  I never could solve the regular size version.

Memphis, Tennessee – Billy Bass Adoption Center – Wall of novelty gift sensation singing fish trophies, donated to the restaurant by customers in exchange for a free basket of catfish. And you thought that singing fish was not worth anything.

Birmingham, Alabama – Vulcan the Iron Man – fifty-six foot-tall statue of Vulcan, the Roman smithy god, watches Birmingham from his tower on the summit of Red Mountain. Been there, done that, it is pretty neat,

Gadsden, Alabama – Noccalula Falls Doomed Maiden – An over-sized bronze statue of an Indian maiden teeters on the brink of Noccalula Falls. Legend says she flung herself to her doom because her father wanted her to marry a boy she didn’t like.  Ain’t love grand?  I’ve been there, done that, but did not purchase the t-shirt.

Oak Grove, Alabama – Housewife-Whacking Meteor Fell Here – A historical marker stands near the spot where 34-year-old Ann Hodges became the only known person to have been hit by a meteorite.  Apparently Ms. Hodges was taking a nap in the early afternoon of November 30, 1954, when an 8.5-pound meteorite crashed through the roof of her house and landed on her hip. She survived without much apparent damage.  However, it appears that the stress of subsequent fame led to a nervous breakdown and divorce. She died an invalid in 1972.   The moral of the story would appear to be that fame ain’t all that it is cracked up to be.

Decatur, Alabama – Pest Control Museum – Cook’s Pest Control, a long-established business headquartered in Decatur, originally set up some employee training displays on insects and the damage they inflict. There are many giant insect specimens — big roaches and beetles pinned to displays or slowly rotating on Lazy Susans. Wonder if they have a cafeteria…..

Enterprise, Alabama – Boll Weevil Monument – Swarms of the weevils ate up the cotton crop, forcing Enterprise to agriculturally diversify. The grateful town erected a classical statue of a woman holding a large version of the insect over her head, is smack dab in the middle of town, right in the center of Main Street.  If you have to choose between the boll weevil monument or the pest control museum, I would have to go with the lesser of two weevils.

For more out-of-the-way places no matter what state your travels take you to visit http://www.roadsideamerica.com/

Thought for the Week

When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money.  Then take half the clothes and twice the money.  ~Susan Heller

http://www.quotegarden.com

Mulch Ado About Nothing

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Mulch is another one of those things that make me wonder exactly when we lost our minds. Try as I might, as a child, I do not remember ever seeing anyone put mulch around their landscaping.  In fact the closest thing I can recall was when putting white granite chips around plants was the “in” thing. These seemed like a great idea because rocks , as you know, tend to last for a while and they were supposed to help keep the weeds out.

Sometime between my childhood and now (when we have definitely lost our minds about many things) some genius came up with the brilliant idea that rocks were “out” and mulch was “in.”  Supposedly mulch is supposed to provide a protective cover and help with weed and moisture control and to promote the growth of the plants you want to grow.  Now the real genius of the mulch business is that unlike rocks, the mulch breaks down every couple of years and has to be replaced.  This is an even better angle than planned obsolescence, this is planned disappearance AND replacement!

It has been a year or two since I have mulched and just as the corporate mulch cartel designed, mulch is virtually non-existent in my yard.  So, I figured that I better get my mulch up to standard before the petitions started going through the neighborhood. So, I decided it was time to grab my yard cart and shovel and get to mulching.   Mulch is mulch, right?  Just decide between black, brown and red, easy decision, right?  Wrong! One website I visited lists 42 kinds of mulch – 42! (I can choose between 42 kinds of mulch but I only get two choices for President?  Well, that is another story)  Anyway, I’m not so interested in mulch that I want to learn the subtle differences in textures and scents of all 42. Being the dull, boring kind of guy that I am I simply went with the “twice shredded and processed hardwood mulch, very dark brown color.”  Allegedly “Our best-selling mulch.” If it is the best-selling it must be good, right? It does make me wonder which is the 42nd best-selling mulch and why?

So, I went online and ordered five yards of mulch. Now five yards does not really sound  like that much, does it?  Well, when they dumped it in my driveway, I thought it might cover my entire yard and the yards of five other houses around me.

So last Friday evening and Saturday I mulched and I mulched and I mulched.  Then I mulched some more.   I mulched the plants at the front of the house, I mulched the plants on both sides of the house, I mulched the flower bed at the back of the yard, I mulched the island in the middle of front yard, I mulched the trees. I mulched on both sides of the deck.  It occurred to me that spreading five yards of mulch is kind of like running a marathon.  Both might sound like a good idea before you begin, finishing both provides a sense of accomplishment plus with both the fun is over long before you get to the end!

Yet, little by little, bucket by bucket, yard cart by yard cart, the pile was slowly but surely whittled down and all the landscaping areas of my yard became a consistent dull brown. I learned that five yards is quite a bit of mulch. I learned that moving mulch requires muscles that I have not used in years.

Perhaps this mulch breaks down and disappears maybe I’ll remember my childhood and get some of those white granite chips that will last forever.