Friday Funny July 22, 2016, How Hot Is It?

sun

Happy Friday!  It is mid July and it is hotter than a firecracker on the fourth of July!  You are probably ready to punch the next person that asks, “Is it hot enough for you?  As they say we cannot do anything about the weather, so we might as well laugh at it.

Enjoy!

“How hot is it? It is sooooooooo hot that

the cows are giving evaporated milk.

the chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.

I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walking.

hot water now comes out of both taps.

you can actually burn your hand opening the car door.

you realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

the birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.

the potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

you start putting ice cubes in your water-bed (does anyone still have one of these?).

you can make instant sun tea.

your car overheats before you even start the engine.

you learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

I’m sweating like a politician on election day.

all the bread in the store is toast.

the catfish are already fried when you catch them.

the fire ants are really on fire.

the cornfield popped.

New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg was seen drinking a Big Gulp

Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner

I just saw a guy on the exit ramp with a sign that said “Will work for shade.”

Cincinnati Reds fans are taking the bags off of their heads.

I just fried a sidewalk in my good egg pan.

And finally…..

It was so hot that I found it rather uncomfortable.

Thought for the Week

What good is the warmth of summer, without the cold of winter to give it sweetness. ~John Steinbeck

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

Friday Funny July 15, 2016 Letting the Cat Out of the Bag

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Happy Friday!  Last week I gathered some dog jokes to send out.  So, in an effort to be fair and balanced, this week I found some cat jokes for you.

Enjoy!

Q: What do cats use to make coffee? A: A purrcolator.

Q: What do you use to comb a cat? A: A catacomb.

Q: What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A: A CAT-HAS-TROPHY! 

Q: What do you call a pile of kittens? A: a meowntain 

Q: Why don’t cats like online shopping? A: They prefer a cat-alogue.

Q: What did the cat say when he lost all his money? A: I’m paw!

Q: Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn? A: She had a litter of mittens. 

Q: What do you call the cat that was caught by the police? A: The purrpatrator. 

Q: What do you call a cat that gets anything it wants? A: Purrr-suasive. 

Q: What do you feed an invisible cat? A: Evaporated milk. 

Q: Did you hear about the cat that thought she was a dog? A: She was purr-plexed. 

Q: Did you hear about the cat that climbed the Himalayas? A: She was a sher-paw. 

Dogs vs. Cats Top 10 Differences

1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap.

2.  Cats look silly on a leash.

3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.

4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you’ve ever made since the day you were born.

5. A dog knows when you’re sad. And he’ll try to comfort you. Cats don’t care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.

6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers.

7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won’t go at all.

8. Dogs will come when you call them. And they’ll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you.

9. Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they’re in pain.

10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door. 

Thought for the Week
In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him. ~Dereke Bruce
http://www.quotegarden.com

Don’t Spend It All In One Place

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We are assaulted by advertisements all the time.  Every time we turn on the TV or the radio we see and hear commercials.  Most of the commercials go in one ear and out the other, but every once in a while, something about an ad will make me stop and listen and then I start to think which is usually not good.

Today, I heard a commercial for a certain brand of gasoline with a great new additive that will help to prolong the life of my car.  Sounds nice.  Plus, there is almost always a “plus,” as an added bonus it will improve my gas mileage.  Well, who does not want better gas mileage?  But, being the kind of person I am, I had to ask, “How much of a difference will it really make?”

The advertisement states that using this product will restore an “average of 3 – 5 miles per tank.”  Notice that is per TANK, not per gallon.  So, they are losing my interest rather quickly, but just for fun (I know, I need to get out more!) let’s put some numbers to this and see what impact using this product would really have.

First, we need some numbers. So, let’s assume the following: 1) I buy a new car and will keep it for 15 years; 2) I will be an average US driver and drive 13,500 miles per year; 3) I will average 25.5 miles per gallon; 4) My gas tank holds 15 gallons of fuel; 4) the price of gas is $2.50.

Next, if we do the math, we will divide the miles driven (13,500 x 15) by the average MPG of 25.5.  The result is that I can expect to use 7,942 gallons of gas over the next 15 years.  So, if my gas tank holds 15 gallons, then I will use approximately 530 tanks over than time.  The ad claims an improvement of 3-5 miles per tank, so let’s go right in the middle and use 4 miles per tank.

OK, so 4 miles per tank means I will improve 2,120 miles over the life of the vehicle.  So, if the average MPG is 25.5, then that will save me 86.5 gallons.  If we assume the price of gas is $2.50, then I will save $216.25.  Well a dollar is a dollar, so $200 is nice.  But remember, that is over 15 years, so my average savings per year is a little less than $14,50, or not quite three Pepperoni Hot ‘N Ready’s.  

Now, I am not all that excited about what this product will do for me.  This is a major name brand of gasoline and often the major brands cost a little more.  So, if the price of this particular brand, on average, is more than $0.03 higher than the competition, the savings completely disappear. 

I am all for better gas mileage and I am all for saving money; however, it will take more than three pepperoni pizzas a year to get me excited about going out of my way for this brand of gasoline.

 

Friday Funny July 8, 2016 Dog Days of Summer

LW DW Tucker

Happy Friday!  We are in July and headed toward those dog days of summer, so why not start your Friday with some canine humor?

Enjoy!

A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says, ‘I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.’

A dog walks into a job center. ‘Wow, a talking dog,’ says the clerk. ‘With your talent I’m sure we can find you a gig in the circus.’ ‘The circus?’ says the dog. ‘What does a circus want with a plumber?’

Two men are talking about animals. One says to the other, ‘I know of a dog worth $100,000.’ ‘Really??’ replies the other. ‘Who would have thought a dog could save so much.’

Q: What looks like a dog, eats dog food, lives in a doghouse, and is very dangerous?
A: A dog with a machete.

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: It doesn’t matter; he still won’t come when you call.

Q: What do you call a dog that licks an electrical socket? A: Sparky.

Q: What did the dog say to the tree?  A:  Bark!

Q:  What do you call a dog with a surround sound system? A: a sub-woofer.

Q: What did the dog say to the sandpaper? A:  Ruff!

Q: What happened when the dog went to the flea circus? A: He stole the show!

Q: What do you call a dog magician? A: A labracadabrador.

Q: Who is the dog’s favorite comedian? A: Growlcho Marx!

Thought for the Week

My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am. ~Author Unknown

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny July 1, 2016 Odd and Interesting Facts About the USA

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Happy Friday!  Happy Independence Day!  I hope you get to enjoy the weekend and have the opportunity to reflect what this day stands for.  There is something to see and learn from sea to shining sea, so here is just a sampling of some interesting things about the good ‘ole US of A to kick off your Friday.  

Enjoy!

The oldest capital city in the U.S. is Santa Fe, New Mexico, founded in 1610. 

The tallest point in Florida is only 345 feet – wonder if they have a ski lodge at the site?

More breakfast cereal is made in Battle Creek, Michigan than in any other city worldwide – the place really is G-R-R-R-R-E-A-T!

Montana has three times as many cows as it does people – kind of makes me want to mooooove there.

Calvin Coolidge had 2 pet raccoons – Rebecca and Reuben.

The first two navel orange trees in the U.S. were from Brazil and planted in Riverside, California, about 1875. Virtually all navel oranges grown in the U.S. are offspring from these trees. One of the original trees was replanted by Teddy Roosevelt in in 1903 – now, orange you glad you know that?

In 1919, Boston had a molasses disaster. 2 million gallons of crude molasses burst from a tank and pushed its way through the neighborhood and city. It killed at least 21 people and took weeks to clean up – talk about a sticky situation.

The “largest” city in the United States is Juneau, Alaska. It covers about 3,000 square miles. That’s larger than the state of Delaware. In case you are wondering, Jacksonville, Florida is the largest in the lower 48 at just over 800 square miles – I wonder if you can get pizza delivered anywhere within the city limits?

Venus Fly Traps only live in the wild in the Carolina’s and nowhere else in the world. 

According to the U.S. Geological Survey, there are 140 towns and cities in the U.S. that have the word “Christmas” in their names. 

Iced tea was first served at the 1904 St. Louis World’s Fair.  A British businessman wanted to increase tea sales in America – No, his last name was not Lipton.

The Parthenon in Nashville, Tennessee, is the world’s only reproduction of the Parthenon in Athens, Greece. 

Although Ohio is listed as the 17th state in the U.S., it is technically 47th because Congress forgot to vote on a resolution to admit it to the Union until 1953.

Roger Sherman, was the only shoemaker to sign the Declaration of Independence. 

John Adams and Thomas Jefferson both died on July 4, 1826. This was 50 years to the day after the signing of the Declaration of Independence. 

Thought for the Week

Those who expect to reap the blessings of freedom, must, like men, undergo the fatigue of supporting it.  ~Thomas Paine

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

 

 

Friday Funny June 24, 2016 More Summer Travel Ideas

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Happy Friday!  Summer officially arrived this week!  Summer often means travel and if you are still looking for some interesting spots to visit this summer I am here to give you a few ideas.  If your travels will take you through Tennessee or Alabama this summer here are a few places you just might want to check out that are a bit off the beaten path.

Enjoy!

Columbia, Tennessee – Mule Capital of the World – Besides the Mule Day Parade, there is a Mule Day Queen, a Mule Pull, a Liar’s Contest, and a collection of large, painted fiberglass mules.

Dandridge, Tennessee – Bush’s Beans museum – A tribute to canned baked beans, by the company making them for over 100 years, starting at this old general store. Photo ops, displays, a theater playing the “History of Grilling,” and an opportunity to see your weight in beans.  They have a restaurant that does indeed serve beans and other items.  I marked this one off my bucket list last year.

Knoxville, Tennessee – World’s Largest Rubik’s Cube – A restored relic from the 1982 Knoxville World’s Fair.  I never could solve the regular size version.

Memphis, Tennessee – Billy Bass Adoption Center – Wall of novelty gift sensation singing fish trophies, donated to the restaurant by customers in exchange for a free basket of catfish. And you thought that singing fish was not worth anything.

Birmingham, Alabama – Vulcan the Iron Man – fifty-six foot-tall statue of Vulcan, the Roman smithy god, watches Birmingham from his tower on the summit of Red Mountain. Been there, done that, it is pretty neat,

Gadsden, Alabama – Noccalula Falls Doomed Maiden – An over-sized bronze statue of an Indian maiden teeters on the brink of Noccalula Falls. Legend says she flung herself to her doom because her father wanted her to marry a boy she didn’t like.  Ain’t love grand?  I’ve been there, done that, but did not purchase the t-shirt.

Oak Grove, Alabama – Housewife-Whacking Meteor Fell Here – A historical marker stands near the spot where 34-year-old Ann Hodges became the only known person to have been hit by a meteorite.  Apparently Ms. Hodges was taking a nap in the early afternoon of November 30, 1954, when an 8.5-pound meteorite crashed through the roof of her house and landed on her hip. She survived without much apparent damage.  However, it appears that the stress of subsequent fame led to a nervous breakdown and divorce. She died an invalid in 1972.   The moral of the story would appear to be that fame ain’t all that it is cracked up to be.

Decatur, Alabama – Pest Control Museum – Cook’s Pest Control, a long-established business headquartered in Decatur, originally set up some employee training displays on insects and the damage they inflict. There are many giant insect specimens — big roaches and beetles pinned to displays or slowly rotating on Lazy Susans. Wonder if they have a cafeteria…..

Enterprise, Alabama – Boll Weevil Monument – Swarms of the weevils ate up the cotton crop, forcing Enterprise to agriculturally diversify. The grateful town erected a classical statue of a woman holding a large version of the insect over her head, is smack dab in the middle of town, right in the center of Main Street.  If you have to choose between the boll weevil monument or the pest control museum, I would have to go with the lesser of two weevils.

For more out-of-the-way places no matter what state your travels take you to visit http://www.roadsideamerica.com/

Thought for the Week

When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money.  Then take half the clothes and twice the money.  ~Susan Heller

http://www.quotegarden.com

Mulch Ado About Nothing

Mulch

Mulch is another one of those things that make me wonder exactly when we lost our minds. Try as I might, as a child, I do not remember ever seeing anyone put mulch around their landscaping.  In fact the closest thing I can recall was when putting white granite chips around plants was the “in” thing. These seemed like a great idea because rocks , as you know, tend to last for a while and they were supposed to help keep the weeds out.

Sometime between my childhood and now (when we have definitely lost our minds about many things) some genius came up with the brilliant idea that rocks were “out” and mulch was “in.”  Supposedly mulch is supposed to provide a protective cover and help with weed and moisture control and to promote the growth of the plants you want to grow.  Now the real genius of the mulch business is that unlike rocks, the mulch breaks down every couple of years and has to be replaced.  This is an even better angle than planned obsolescence, this is planned disappearance AND replacement!

It has been a year or two since I have mulched and just as the corporate mulch cartel designed, mulch is virtually non-existent in my yard.  So, I figured that I better get my mulch up to standard before the petitions started going through the neighborhood. So, I decided it was time to grab my yard cart and shovel and get to mulching.   Mulch is mulch, right?  Just decide between black, brown and red, easy decision, right?  Wrong! One website I visited lists 42 kinds of mulch – 42! (I can choose between 42 kinds of mulch but I only get two choices for President?  Well, that is another story)  Anyway, I’m not so interested in mulch that I want to learn the subtle differences in textures and scents of all 42. Being the dull, boring kind of guy that I am I simply went with the “twice shredded and processed hardwood mulch, very dark brown color.”  Allegedly “Our best-selling mulch.” If it is the best-selling it must be good, right? It does make me wonder which is the 42nd best-selling mulch and why?

So, I went online and ordered five yards of mulch. Now five yards does not really sound  like that much, does it?  Well, when they dumped it in my driveway, I thought it might cover my entire yard and the yards of five other houses around me.

So last Friday evening and Saturday I mulched and I mulched and I mulched.  Then I mulched some more.   I mulched the plants at the front of the house, I mulched the plants on both sides of the house, I mulched the flower bed at the back of the yard, I mulched the island in the middle of front yard, I mulched the trees. I mulched on both sides of the deck.  It occurred to me that spreading five yards of mulch is kind of like running a marathon.  Both might sound like a good idea before you begin, finishing both provides a sense of accomplishment plus with both the fun is over long before you get to the end!

Yet, little by little, bucket by bucket, yard cart by yard cart, the pile was slowly but surely whittled down and all the landscaping areas of my yard became a consistent dull brown. I learned that five yards is quite a bit of mulch. I learned that moving mulch requires muscles that I have not used in years.

Perhaps this mulch breaks down and disappears maybe I’ll remember my childhood and get some of those white granite chips that will last forever.

Friday Funny June 17, 2016 Mark Your Calendars – June Edition

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Happy Friday!  We are at the midway point of June, the official start of summer is upon us.   June is always fun and exciting.  But did you know about all the National Days in June?  In case you have missed them, here are just some of the exciting things to celebrate  this month.  By the way, today is National Fudge Day – Enjoy!

June 1 – National Heimlich Maneuver Day – celebrate by giving abdominal thrusts to complete strangers.  Kind of sorry I missed this on.

June 2 – National Rotisserie Chicken Day – you knew that sooner or later this day had to come around.

June 3 – National Repeat Day – you can say that again.

June 3 – National Repeat Day – you can say that again.

June 5 – National Gingerbread Day – perhaps you are supposed to eat that gingerbread house that has been “aging” since Christmas?

June 6 – National Yo-Yo Day – An opportunity to lift your spirits if you have been feeling down and vise versa and versa vice.

June 7 – National VCR Day – celebrate the 80’s for two, four, or six hours.

June 14 – National Pop Goes the Weasel Day – …..wait for it….wait for it….

June 17 – National Eat Your Vegetables Day – bet the kids are really excited about this one!

June 20 – National Ice Cream Soda Day – perhaps this offer is only available to those who observed National Eat Your Vegetables Day?

June 21 – Go Skateboarding Day – which in the future might be known as National Go to the Emergency Room Day. 

June 25 – National Leon Day – I started to get excited about this one thinking this is as close as I would get to National Leonard Day, but alas Leon is Noel spelled backwards and June 25 marks the six month point until Christmas and this is a big day for crafters for this reason.  I wonder who I need to contact about a National Leonard Day?

Thought for the Week

What is one to say about June, the time of perfect young summer, the fulfillment of the promise of the earlier months, and with as yet no sign to remind one that its fresh young beauty will ever fade. ~Gertrude Jekyll

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny June 10, 2016 Looney Lines – Bugs Bunny

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Happy Friday!  Another weekend is upon us.  I remember in my younger years that one of the best parts of the weekend was the Saturday morning cartons and one of my favorite cartoons was “The Bugs Bunny/Road Runner Hour” or any iteration of Looney Tunes cartoons.  I invested or perhaps better said, I wasted many hours watching Bugs and his pals and still enjoy them to this day.  If you can tell the difference between the directing of Chuck Jones, Friz Feleng and Robert McKimson, then you might have wasted as much time as I did!  I enjoyed many of the various characters that appeared, but one of my favorites was, of course Bugs Bunny.  So let’s kick off this Friday with some of the more memorable lines from Bugs.  (For most of these, I can picture the cartoon they were taken from as I read them.)

Enjoy!

What’s up, doc?

He don’t know me very well , do he?

I knew I shoulda made that left toin at Albaquerque.

Of course you know this means war!

Well, what didja expect in an opera, a HAPPY ending?

Hey, wait a cotton-pickin minute!

What a gulli-bull! What a nin-cow-poop!

Whatta maroon! Whatta ignoranimus!

What an imbesile, what an utlra maroon

Gee, ain’t I a stinker?

Eeeeeeh, watch me paste this pathetic palooka with a powerful, paralyzing, perfect, pachydermous, percussion pitch.

My, I’ll bet you monsters lead interesting lives.

My stars, if an interesting monster can’t have an interesting hairdo, then I don’t know what things are coming to.

Here I go with the timid little woodland creature bit again. It’s shameful, but…ehhh, it’s a living.

I know this defies the law of gravity, but I never studied law!

Stop steamin’ up my tail! Whataya tryin’ ta do, wrinkle it?

Ain’t I a little Dickens, though?

You don’t have to be crazy to do this… But it sure helps!

Do you happen to know what the penalty is for shooting a fricaseeing rabbit without a fricaseeing rabbit license?

Thought for the Week

In childhood, we press our nose to the pane, looking out. In memories of childhood, we press our nose to the pane, looking in. ~Robert Brault, rbrault.blogspot.com

Friday Funny June 3, 2016 On The Road Again

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Happy Friday!  The summer travel season is upon us and that means many of us will be hitting the road.  So, here are a few car related jokes to kick off your weekend,

Enjoy!

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs agent stops them and says, “Sorry, it’s illegal for you to  have five people in a Quattro.”
“What do you mean it’s illegal?” ask the Englishmen.
“Well, Quattro means four,” replies the Italian official.
“Quattro is just the name of the automobile,” the Englishmen retort. “Look, there are five seat belts in the car: this car is designed to carry five persons.”
“Well, you can’t pull that one on ME,” replies the Italian customs agent. “Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.”
The Englishmen replies angrily, “You idiot! Call your supervisor over—I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!”
“Sorry,” responds the Italian official, “he can’t come. He’s busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno.”

A motorist runs a red light and is photographed by an automated police camera. In the mail a short time later, he receives a photo of his car committing the infraction and a citation for $60. Instead of paying the fine, the motorist mails the police department a photograph of three $20 bills. Several days later, he gets a letter back from the police department. Inside is a photograph of a pair of handcuffs.

Bobby was driving down the road and a met a car coming the other way. Although there was room to pass easily, Bobby forced the oncoming car to slow down and wound down his window and shouted ‘Pig’. The other driver looked in his rear view mirror and swore at Eddie. A few seconds late, his car hit the pig.

A traffic cop pulled alongside a speeding car on the interstate. Glancing into the car, he was astounded to see that the young lady, who was driving, was knitting.
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the policeman wound down his window, turned on his loudspeaker and yelled, ‘PULL OVER!’
‘NO’, the young lady yelled back, ‘IT’s A SCARF!’

A guy walks into a shop and says: “I’d like a gas cap for my Yugo.” The owner thinks for a few seconds and replies: “OK, that seems like a fair trade.”

Thought of the Week

One cannot waste time. We can only waste ourselves. ~George M. Adams

http://www.quotegarden.com