Happy Friday!  We have turned the calendar to March and that means that Spring is getting close.  A sure sign of hope is that baseball’s spring training is under way in Florida and Arizona.   Spring training is important for the players and fans alike.  A good fan needs to be ready for the season to begin.  I am here to help in your preparation.  This week we will begin with a repertoire to direct towards umpires and pitchers.  So just take a few minutes each morning to practice these in the mirror and you’ll be in great shape by opening day.

Enjoy!  

FOR UMPIRES 

You couldn’t call a cab!

You drop more calls than Sprint!

You Couldn’t call hogs!

You couldn’t see the plate if your dinner was on it!

You make more bad calls than a telemarketer!

Hey ump is this your cell phone?  It has three missed calls on it!

I’ve seen better calls at a square dance! 

C’mon, even Stevie Wonder could see that one!

It sure sounded like a strike!

I’ve seen potatoes with better eyes!

Lenscrafter called…they’ll be ready in 30 min.

For a guy that only works 3 hours a day, you’re doing a pretty lousy job!

You call a worse game than an NFL Ref!

FOR PITCHERS 

I’ve seen better arms on the Venus de Milo!

I’ve seen better arms on a beanbag chair!

I’ve seen a better arm on a box of baking soda!

 I’ve seen better sliders at White Castle!

I’ve seen better pitchers in Kool-Aid Commercials.

I’ve seen better pitchers at a Tupperware party!

I’ve seen more heat in an EZ-bake oven!

I’ve seen more heat in a toaster!

I’ve seen better pitching in T-ball!

I’ve seen better windups on a toy!

You couldn’t save a Word file!

You couldn’t hold a lead for your dog!

You couldn’t throw rice at a wedding!

You couldn’t pitch hot biscuits to a hungry dog!

You couldn’t find a plate in a kitchen!

Bob Dylan’s got better pitch control than you!

Save us some time and just throw the ball into the gap!

Feel free to mix in a strike every once in the while!

That ball was so far outside it had a hat and coat on!

The way that ball was dancing, you know it wasn’t Southern Baptist!

FOR SPECIFIC PLAYERS

To Jason Bourgeois –  Up with the proletariat, down with the Bourgeois!

To Dan Ugla – Your Ugla and your mother dresses you funny!

Thought for the Week

“Correct thinkers think that ‘baseball trivia’ is an oxymoron: nothing about baseball is trivial.” ~ George Will