Category Archives: Friday Funny

Friday Funny December 31, 2021, I See Jokes In Your Future

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As we come to the end of another year, allow me to wish you a very Happy New Year! Thank you for allowing me to share a little humor with you this past year and I hope you will allow me to continue to do so in 2022.

Enjoy!

As I wrapped up the last workday of 2021, I was feeling bad about the future, then I installed the new version of Office and it improved my Outlook.

So, The Past, Present, and Future all walk into a bar, things got  pretty tense.

Did you know if you drink the fluid from a magic 8 ball you can see the future? Really, I read about a guy who did it once and he said he was going to die and then he did.

I was thinking today about a future where humanity has no choice but to leave earth. It was unsettling.

I am convinced that Highlighter pens will be very important in the future.  Mark my words.

I read that glass coffins will be popular in future.  Remains to be seen.

If I had a DeLorean, I do not think I would use it every day, I would probably only drive it from time to time.

If, in the future, a robot decided to avoid eliminating its target for as long as possible, would that be a Procrastinator?

A friend convinced me that one can use ketchup to tell the future.  In Heinz-sight I should have known better.

I told my grandson that he should be a cement contractor. Now there is a field that has a solid future.

If you travel to the future and get decapitated there, would you be ahead of your time?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The future ain’t what it used to be.” ~ Yogi Berra

Friday Funny December 10, 2021 Christmas Shopping Jokes

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Happy Friday! The holiday season is in full swing, so to get you pumped up for shopping, here are some Christmas shopping jokes wrapped up just for you.

Enjoy!

Here is a tip on how to save a lot of money on Christmas shopping – simply express your political views on Facebook.

The other day I told my Mom that Amazon is the best place for Christmas shopping.  This morning she called me from Brazil.

I went into a toy store to do some early Christmas shopping and asked the assistant, “Where are the Arnold Schwarzenegger dolls?” He said, “Aisle B, back.”

My wife said to me that if I got her one more stupid gift this Christmas, she would burn it.  So, I bought her a candle.

I was Christmas shopping for my granddaughter so I asked what she was liked and my wife told me she likes “anything Frozen”. So, I got her some popsicles and some pizza rolls.

Is it true that Captain Nemo does not get any Christmas presents because he is always on the Nautilus?

I just bought my wife an artificial leg for Christmas.  It’s not her main present, just a stocking filler.

The only Christmas gift I got two years ago was a deck of sticky playing cards. I found that very hard to deal with.

The sweater my wife got me last Christmas kept picking up static electricity.  I took it back to the store and exchanged it for another one free of charge.

Last Christmas, my wife bought me new beads for my abacus. It is the little things that count.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Christmas is a necessity. There has to be at least one day of the year to remind us that we’re here for something else besides ourselves.” ~Eric Severeid

Friday Funny December 3, 2021 Year-End Financial Jokes

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Happy Friday!  Happy December!  It is hard to believe that we are in the last month of 2021.  Besides the Holidays, December is also a time to review finances or at least a few financial jokes.

Enjoy!

Does Santa’s accountant have to value his sleigh at Net Present Value?

My financial advisor asked me “What’s your net worth?”  I said “I don’t own a net.”

My financial adviser is so bad…when I went into her office and asked her to check my balance, she tried to push me over.

Financial studies can be difficult.  Many people lose interest.

Never take financial advice from a chef – they like to whisk too much.

Is it true that the root cause of the financial system collapse in ancient Egypt was pyramid schemes?

It was very difficult to make a living as a composer in the 17th and 18th centuries – music was going through the Baroque era.

I visited a monastery and asked who handled the financial affairs – I was told “That’s nun of your business.”

I heard that in a cost cutting effort some banks are using trained insects to adjust customers’ balances – they’re the account ants

You know you are in bad shape when a hacker gets into your financials and he sets up   a go fund me for you.’

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket. ~ Frank Hubbard

Friday Funny November 19, 2021 Thanksgiving Puns

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Happy Friday! Next week is Thanksgiving, so let me wish you a very Happy Thanksgiving Day and just in case you are in need of a few puns to have ready to share around the table, I am here to help.

Enjoy!

On Thanksgiving, I’m both grateful and gravy-ful.

This Thanksgiving, may your heart be as full as your plate.

Thanksgiving is totally my jam.

Thanksgiving, a day that really is much ado about stuffing.

Life just does not get any butter than this.

You know that I only have pies for you.

I have a crust on you.

Stuffing compares to you.

Let’s give ’em pumpkin’ to talk about.

Let’s get the gourd times rolling.

You know I’m all about that baste.

You think I’m done? Honey, you just ain’t seen stuffing yet.

Green bean casserole, pecan pie, sweet potatoes – when it’s Thanksgiving, there’s always more than just one side to the story.

Did you find this turkey recipe on Google, Google?

Stop, drop, and pass the rolls.

My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes, but I said I couldn’t quit cold turkey.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” ~ Albert Einstein

Friday Funny November 12, 2021 Amoeba Jokes

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Happy Friday! Comedians are saying that it is getting harder every day to tell jokes because it seems not matter what one says, someone is offended. I think it is still safe to tell jokes about amoebas – at least until I hear from the APL (amoeba Protection League).

Enjoy!

Is it true that amoebas call their friends using cell phones?

If you crossed a ghost and an amoeba, would you get an amoeboo?

Is it true that the amoeba had difficulty in math class be it multiplied by dividing?

Did you hear about the amoeba who crossed the microscope to get to the other slide?

If an amoeba took its own picture would it be cell-fie?

An amoeba gets seated in a nice restaurant.  The waiter gives her a menu and says,  “Make sure to pay before you split.”

Would you call an amoeba that heats things up a microbe-wave?

One amoeba turns the amoeba next to hm and says, “You will always be a part of me.”

If a bacteria when travels from his home colony to another does she experience culture shock?

A paramecium and an amoeba are walking down the street. The amoeba asks “So, lacking any pseudopodia, how do you manage to get around? The paramecium replies “A cilia question I’ve never heard!”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Humor is a social lubricant that helps us get over some of the bad spots.” ~ Steve Allen

Friday Funny November 5, 2021 Dino-jokes!

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Happy Friday and Happy November! This week we are going way back in time and digging up some dinosaur jokes.

Enjoy!

Would you call an extinct animal that works in the rodeo a Bronco-Saurus?

Would you call a dinosaur with great dental hygiene habits a Flossiraptor?

Would you call a dinosaur in high heels a My-Feet-Are-Saurus?

Would you call a dinosaur with no eyes a Do-You-Think-He-Saw-Us?

Would you call a scared tyrannosaurus a Nervous-Rex?

Would you call a dinosaur eating a taco a Tyrannosaurus Mex?

Would you call a dinosaur who is a very poor driver a Tyrannosaurus Wrecks?

Would you call a dinosaur who does magic tricks a Tyrannosaurus Hex?

Would you call a “foodie” dinosaur a Connois-Saur?

Would you call a dinosaur who went into law enforcement a Tricera-Cop?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Autumn is a second spring when every leaf is a flower.” ~ Albert Camus

Friday Funny October 29, 2021 Halloween Jokes

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Happy

Happy Friday! Happy Halloween! Here is wishing you your chare of candy without any cavities!

Enjoy!

I am thinking about entering a Halloween costume contest with Arnold Schwarzenegger this year. I am going as Beethoven.  Arnold will be Bach.

Last year a neighborhood girl came “trick or treating” dressed as Gloria Gaynor.  At first I was afraid.

Is it true that skeletons do not go trick or treating because they don’t have any body to with?

This year I am putting extra starch in my ghost costume, I am hoping t0 scare everyone  stiff.

I know a poltergeist who refuses to return my texts.  I think he might be ghosting me.

I saw a skeleton the other day who had a custodial job.  I think he was the Grim Sweeper.

I heard about a pumpkin who wanted to be a writer.  She thought she would try her hand at Pulp fiction.

Would you call a funny movie about two zombies finding true love, a zom-com?

This year I want to be something really scary for Halloween so I’m dressing up as a phone with the battery down to 3%.

The scariest costume I saw last year was the girl who came carrying a school fundraising packet.

Would a ghost attending a formal party wear a boo-tie?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“There are three things I’ve learned never to discuss with people: religion, politics, and the Great Pumpkin.” – Linus

Friday Funny October 15,2021 Dog Jokes

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Happy Friday! I hope you have had a good week. Let’s kick off the weekend with some jokes about man’s best friend.

Enjoy!

Would you call a dog that has been left outside in the cold a chili-dog?

Would you call a dog that likes taking a bath every day a shampoo-dle?

Would you call a dog that meditates an aware wolf?

Is it true that dogs run in circles because it is easier than running in squares?

If you crossed a sheepdog with a rose would you get a collie-flower?

Is it true that dogs like smartphones because they have collar IDs?

Are dogs’ barks loud because they have built-in sub-woofers?

If you crossed a frog with a dog would you get a croaker spaniel?

If you connect a Corgi to a battery would you get a short circuit?

If you cross a dog and a calculator would you get a friend you could count on?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“I love a dog, he does nothing for political reasons.” ~Will Rogers

Friday Funny October 1, 2021 Quick Friday Thoughts

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Happy Friday and welcome to October! Here are a few quick thoughts for you to ponder this Friday.

Enjoy!

I recently went to a pet shop and I asked the clerk if I could buy a goldfish. The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I could care less about its zodiac sign.”

Two gold fish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says, “Do you know how to drive this thing?!”

Two soldiers are in a tank. One looks at the other and says, “BLUB…BLUB…BLUB…BLUB…BLUB.”

I recently took a picture of a field of wheat. It was grainy.

If you had some friends who love math, would you call them Algebros?

I heard that the reason that penguins do not fly is because they are not tall enough to be pilots.

Would a backward poet write inverse?

I friend was telling me that he dreams in color, but I think it is a pigment of his imagination.

Do microwaves washup on tiny beaches?

If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“May your passion be the kernel of corn stuck between your molars, always reminding you there’s something to tend to.” ~Jeb Dickerson

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Friday Funny September 24, 2021 The BMV Can Drive You Crazy.

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Happy Friday! I recently had to make the oft dreaded trip to the Bureau of Motor Vehicles to renew my driver’s license and upgrade to the new and improved one that is TSA compliant. So, let’s have a laugh or two on behalf of the good folks at the BMV.

Enjoy!

Is it true that mathematicians go to the BMV to get a deriver’s license?

While I was in line at the BMV I asked other folks in line to guess my weight just so I could get an idea about what I could get away with putting on my license.

I heard you should be careful not to get stuck behind the Devil in a line at the BMV, it seems the Devil can take many forms.

Someone once left a positive review at the BMV.  The manager saw it and immediately fired everyone

My computer is getting old and it’s RAM isn’t that great but it still has faster processing than the BMV.

When I went to renew my driver’s license, the clerk asked me if I wanted to be an organ or tissue donor.  I told her that we got rid of the Wurlitzer years ago, but I think there is an extra box of Kleenex in my car I could go get.

I was just wondering – if you buy an electric car do they check to see if you have a current driver’s license?

I was recently complimented on my driving skills.  Someone left a note on my car that said “Parking Fine.”  I thought that was nice.

I remember back when I took my driving test, I got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped away before I got to them.

I read a story the other day about a couple of Amish engineers who created the hardware and software for a small self-driving horseless carriage.  I hear it’s a little buggy.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“I would seriously rather be in a long line at the DMV than eat with people I don’t know.” ~ Anne Lamott