Category Archives: Friday Funny

Friday Funny November 22, 2019

Happy Friday!  This time next week you might be up to your tonsils in Thanksgiving leftovers.  But right now I want to wet your appetite with some Thanksgiving jokes.

Enjoy!

Did you hear about the turkey that was arrested?  Fowl play was suspected.

Thanksgiving is the day that I start my yearly training to get in shape … to play Santa Claus.

Did you hear about the turkey that was doing computer research using google, google? 

Last year I was late getting home after Thanksgiving, a policeman pulled me over for  exceeding the feed limit. 

Did you hear about the mother turkey who was so disappointed in her kids that she told them, “If your father could see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!”

Is it true that you should not take a turkey to church because they use fowl language? 

If a Pilgrim bites into a bad piece of corn does he make a pilgrimace?

What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?  Ask a friend to toss one to you.

I think I have an addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers, this year I am going to quit cold turkey.

Would you call someone who really, really, really likes Thanksgiving turkey a  tryptophanatic?

 THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

There’s always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving.  Even if it’s just not being a turkey. 

 

 

 

Friday Funny November 15, 2019 Quick Jokes to Kick Off Your Day

Happy Friday!  It is mid-November and Thanksgiving is less than two weeks away, have a laugh before you start defrosting that turkey!

Enjoy!

Is it true that claustrophobic people are more productive when thinking out of the box?

I saw that the current World tongue-twister champion was arrested. I think they are hoping to give him a tough sentence.

Forget electric cars!  I have this great idea for a car that doesn’t have wheels.  I have been working on it tirelessly.

Everyone encourages you to always go the extra mile at work unless you are a taxi driver.

I once had a job as a stage designer, I wasn’t very happy when they fired me but I left without making a scene.

I used to work at a fire hydrant factory.  The biggest problem was you couldn’t park anywhere near the place.

I just got a job as the Chief Information Executive at Old McDonald’s Farm. I’m the new CIEIO.

I once had a job as a mind reader but I was not any good at it, in fact I was telepathetic.

I have seen people who are underwhelmed and I have seen people who are overwhelmed; however, I do not recall ever seeing anyone whelmed properly.

If a kitchen remodeler is not working efficiently is he being counter productive?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

Dull November brings the blast,
Then the leaves are whirling fast.
~Sara Coleridge, “The Months,” Pretty Lessons In Verse, For Good Children; With Some Lessons in Latin, In Easy Rhyme, 1834

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Friday Funny November 8, 2019 Doctor One-Liners

Happy Friday! As the days get shorter and colder cold and flu season starts to creep in.  If laughter is the best medicine, then here is a little dose of prevention.

Enjoy!

I went to see my doctor.  The doctor said, “I’ve not seen you for a while.” I replied, “Well, recently I have been ill.”

I told my doctor that I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.  He told me that I should take the candles off first.

My doctor told me that I needed to stop using a Q-tip; however, his advice just went in one ear and out the other.

My Doctor said I needed a knee replacement\.  I asked if I could have a second opinion. She said, “Sure, you’re ugly too.”

My therapist told me I have problems letting go of the past. She told me that three years ago.

I can accept that I have an inferiority complex I just wish that I had a better one.

My doctor told me that I have the body of a twenty-year-old, then he suggested that I return it before I get it completely stretched out of shape.

I was thinking about having some plastic surgery until I noticed the doctor’s office was decorated with lithographs of paintings by Picasso.

I have found that an apple a day really does keep the doctor away, if your aim is good.

I went to the doctor and told him that I had swallowed a spoon.  She said, “sit down and don’t stir.”

I went to the doctor and told him I felt run down. He asked me why, so I showed him the tire marks on my legs.

I told the doctor that my hair has been falling out and asked him if he had anything to keep it in.  He gave me a paper bag.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. ~Voltaire

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Friday Funny November 1, 2019 More Lessons From Horror Movies

Happy Friday!  Happy November!  Hopefully you have not already eaten all of your leftover Halloween candy yet – pace yourself and spread it out for a few weeks.  Besides Trick-or-Treat this is the time of year that a lot of horror movies are being played on TV and streaming services.  These movies besides offering entertainment also offer some valuable life lessons and this week I would like to share a few of them with you.

Enjoy!

* Avoid exploring abandoned places.  While getting off the beaten path may sound appealing, it is just not worth the risk.  Go where there are people, lots and lots of people.

* Do not stop, even for a moment if you are somewhere so remote that that there is no cellphone coverage.  Keep moving until you have at least two bars.

* Just avoid camping, it is not safe.  Even if nothing evil happens, a nice hotel is a lot more comfortable.

* Do not trust anyone that you meet on an isolated road no matter how nice they seem or how dire his (they tend to always be male) circumstances are.  Do not believe his story, just keep going. 

* Do not trust anyone you meet in a small, quaint town that you never knew existed.  They always SEEM nice at first – just keep moving.

* If that dream house in a relaxing setting appears too good to be true there is a reason.  The real estate agent will not tell you about the ax murderer who lived there or about the walls that bleed at night.

* Keep an open mind.  If strange things are happening and someone suggests a really weird, out-of-left field kind of theory, don’t just dismiss it.  The wilder it is, the more likely it is to be correct.

* Exit through the front door as quickly as possible.  Never, under any circumstances, run up the stairs if you are being chased.

* Beware of mirrors.  They may seem harmless but they often are the first place where strange, evil beings appear.  Do not ask questions to mirrors.  Do not repeat names while staring into a mirror.

* If you find a nice, impressive, shiny object just left at the side  of the road, assume that it is either possessed or a source of great evil.

Thought for the Week

“We all go a little mad sometimes.” ~ Norman Bates in Psycho

Friday Funny October 25, 2019 Happy Halloween Jokes

Happy Friday!  Halloween is just a week away, that means it is time to dig deep into my bag of tricks and treat you to some Halloween jokes!

Enjoy!

I went to an Italian restaurant on Halloween, the special was fettuccine afraid-o a)

I went to Starbucks on Halloween, the barista was a ghost who asked me if I wanted my coffee with scream and sugar.

Is it true that to keep their hair in place witches use scare-spray?

Is it true that the skeleton did not cross the road because he didn’t have the guts?

Is it true that a ghost’s favorite place to go for vacation is Mali-boo?

Is it true that ghosts like to ride elevators because it raises their spirits?

I went Trick-or-Treating at my eye doctor’s house.  He was giving out candy corneas.

Is the scariest plant on Halloween Bam-BOO?

Is the scariest animal on Halloween Cari-BOO?

Did you hear about the ghoul wo had a job cleaning houses?  He was known as the  “grim sweeper.”

Did you hear about the vampire who opened a kitchen goods store?  It is called Count Spatula.

Do skeletons make good comedians because they have funny bones?

Would you fix a broken jack-o-lantern with a pumpkin patch?

Did you hear about the ghost that stopped by the florist shop to pick up a boo-quet for his ghoulfriend?

Thought for the Week

“I could never get my parents to buy a pumpkin for Halloween.   They just made me stand in the window.  It really wasn’t too bad until the candle started to burn the roof of my mouth.” ~ Anonymous 

 

Friday Funny October 18, 2019 Sorry But That Is Not A Good Reason To Miss Work.

Happy Friday! Congratulations! You have made it through another week and the weekend is almost upon us!  Occasionally something might come up that can keep us from getting to work on time or perhaps causing us to miss the entire day.  When that happens, I hope the reason that you offer your boss is not one of those below.

Enjoy!

Sorry, but I forgot that you hired me.

Sorry, but when I looked at the Lotto numbers last night, I was sure I had won. I was going to quit today but when I double-checked again this morning, I only won $5.

Sorry, but I ate way too much last night at a party and I need a day off to let all of that food digest.

Sorry, but I think my dog is having a mental breakdown.

Sorry, but there is a large, angry dog in front of my house and I think he will attack me if I try to get to my car.

Sorry, but I thought there was a Level 1 Nice Day Emergency and that it was against the law for me to drive to work.

Sorry, but I am so upset about who got kicked off Survivor last night that I just can’t concentrate on work today.

 Sorry, but my cat unplugged my alarm clock.

Sorry, but I got stuck in the blood pressure machine at the grocery store.

Sorry, but someone glued all my doors and windows shut and I can’t get out of the house.

Sorry, but I was bitten by a goose on my way to work and need to go to the doctor.

Sorry, but I just can’t find an outfit that works with my mood today.

Sorry, but the cookies I was going to bring to work today did not turn out well and I will have to make a new batch.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Researchers at Harvard say that taking a power nap for an hour in the afternoon can totally refresh you. They say by the time you wake up you’ll feel so good, you’ll be able to start looking for a new job.” ~Jay Leno

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Friday Funny October 11, 2019 Bungals

Happy Friday!  The NFL is entering into week 6 and there are 4 teams that have yet to win their first game.  Among those is the once-again bottom dwelling Bengals.  In 1970 the Cleveland Browns traded Paul Warfield who was my favorite player and that was  the end of be being a Browns fan.  I rooted for the Bengals through thick and thin (there was a lot more thin) for forty years.  At the conclusion of the 2010 season I made what has appeared to be a wise choice and decided to just not care about the Bengals or the NFL any longer.  However, just because I do not consider myself a fan any longer, does not mean that I cannot have a laugh at the expense of the Bengals.

Enjoy!

Q: What do the Bengals and the United States Postal Service have in common?

A: Neither one delivers on Sunday.

Q:  Why don’t they make Bengals jerseys for preschoolers?

A:  They are choking hazards.

Q:  What is the most popular pastry with the Bengals?

A: Turnovers.

Q: Why don’t former Bengals players make good trial lawyers?

A:  They have no defense.

Q: Why do the Bengals watch their game films in reverse?

A:  They gain more yards that way.

Q: How many Bengals does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two, one to screw the bulb in and one to recover the fumble.

Q: How do the Bengals count to 10?

A: 0-1, 0-2, 0-3, 0-4, 0-5, 0-6, 0-7, 0-8, 0-9, 0-10.

Q: Name four things that adults should stop believing in.

A:  Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and the Cincinnati Bengals.

Q: Why doesn’t Andy Dalton use the phone anymore?

A: Because he can’t find the receiver.

Q: What do the Bengals and a Chick-Fil-A manager have in common?

A: Neither one shows up for work on Sunday.

Q: Why are the Bengals like a grizzly bear?

A: They both go into hibernation in the fall.

Q: What’s the difference between the Bengals and a dollar bill?

A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q: What do the Bengals and possums have in common?

A: They both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

Q: How many Bengals does it take to change a tire?

A: Only one, unless it’s a blowout, in which case they all show up.

Q: Why don’t the Bengals have a website?

A: They can’t string three “W’s” together.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Football combines the two worst things about America: it is violence punctuated by committee meetings.” ~ George Will

 

Friday Funny Septermber 27, 2019 A Quick and Easy Quiz

Happy Friday and Happy Fall!  Let’s kick off this Friday with some mental calisthenics.

Enjoy!

Ten quick questions to get your brain working and kick start your Friday.  You should be able to answer these quickly. No pencil or paper required! Time to prove that you are the sharpest pencil in the box!  Good Luck!

First Question:  If you spell “sit in the tub” s-o-a-k, and you spell “a funny story” j-o-k-e, how do you spell “the white of an egg”?

 

a-l-b-u-m-e-n or e-g-g w-h-i-t-e – hopefully this question did not leave you with y-o-k-e on your face. Get back on track with number two! 

 

Second Question: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

 

If your answer is that you are first, that would be incorrect. If you overtake the second person, you are now in second place!  Maybe you should get some more coffee before going further.

 

Third Question: What word would you use to describe a man who does not have all his fingers on one hand?

 

Given that people usually have half their fingers on each hand, I think normal would be a good word,

 

Fourth Question: Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

 

Wouldn’t Mount Everest still have been the highest mountain in the world even though it had not been discovered?

 

Fifth Question: How much dirt is there in a hole three feet deep, six feet long and four feet wide?

 

If there was any dirt in it, would it still be a hole?  The good news is that you have halfway through.

 

SIXTH QUESTION: You are participating in a race. If you overtake the last person, what place are you in?

 

If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. How can you overtake the LAST person? Perhaps your brain has started the weekend a little early this week?

 

Seventh Question: If you have twelve fish and half of them drown, how many remain?

 

Twelve – they are FISH – how could they drown??

 

Eighth Question:  Math alert!!  Do this in your head!  Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.  

Take 1000 and add 40 to it.

Now add another 1000.

Now add 30.

Add another 1000.

Now add 20.

Now add another 1000.

Now add 10.

What is the total?

 

Did you get 5000? That is nice and incorrect! The correct answer is actually 4100. Do not take my word for it – get that calculator out and check.  Two more to go – finish strong! 

 

Ninth Question: If an electric train is moving north at 80 mph and the wind is blowing to the west at a steady 15 mph, which direction does the smoke blow?

 

Given that it is an ELECTRIC train, there will be no smoke.  One more chance.

 

Tenth and Last Question: Mary’s father has five daughters: Nana, Nene, Nini, Nono.  What is the name of the fifth daughter?

 

Nunu? Nana? Nene? NO! NO! NO! The fifth daughter’s name
is Mary. Read the question again.

Now that your brain is limbered up and ready to go – have a great weekend!

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

A man with one watch knows what time it is; a man with two watches is never quite sure. ~Author unknown

Friday Funny September 20, 2019 Garage Sale-ing

Happy Friday! As the end of summer draws near, it is a great time to get rid of some of that stuff that has been taking up space in the basement (and magically growing!) by having a garage sale. (My wife has planned for this weekend.) After a garage sales way back in 1990, I started thinking, always a questionable activity for me, I put my thoughts into words and even managed to have it published in the local newspaper in Evansville where I worked at the time.  I did manage to make the front page of the same paper doing a lizard impersonation but that is a story for another day.  This week I have dusted off the garage sale piece just for you..

Enjoy!

Garage Sale-ing

Along with the warm evenings, cookouts and baseball games, summer brings garage sale-ing.

The object of the garage sale is to try to get someone else to actually give you money for the junk that you are ready to throw away. You go through the boxes that have been collecting dust and feeding moths for the last five years and you display it in the garage, or on the porch, or in the yard in hopes that someone will happen by who actually wants it.

I have been to a few garage sales and I have actually found a few good deals, but recently we decided to have our own sale. Believe me, there is a big difference between going to a garage sale and holding your own.

The process of determining what treasures would actually be offered provided some interesting discussion between my wife, who does not find sentimental value of much use, hence was willing to sell our wedding album, and myself, a packrat who can find a reason for keeping my third grade spelling test. But, with give and take, we survived the process (I gave and she took it).

One of the essential ingredients for a successful garage sale is the classified ad. In the ad, you put all the vital information: any special items you have, your address and the times for the sale. It is important to put the time in so that people will know to come two hours early and get you out of bed to allow them to have first shot at the treasures you’re willing to part with. I’m concerned about people who have nothing better to do than go to garage sales at 5:30 in the morning.

Now you’re outside, half-awake, half-dressed and still waiting for your first cup of coffee. The fun begins! People you do not even know, total strangers seeking bargains from your outdoor bonanza, pull up, get out of the car and start rummaging through your personal belonging. I would have never thought that this could happen in America.

They look at your clothes, your furniture, your comic books you’ve taken care of for twenty years, and haggle over the price. It is like they are judging every detail of your life. The articles people purchase are interesting.

Generally you can sell anything that is broken: small appliances, toys, lawn mowers, you name it. But if it is in good condition, they will be skeptical. Clothes tend to do well. Someone will come who is three times your size, hold up your clothes to see if they fit and still buy them. People will pour over items searching diligently for any type of break or imperfection before they are willing to invest one dollar in a picture frame you paid $10 for, but never used. The sale can be a dangerous time for small children. Every time they venture out of the house, someone will grab a toy out of their little hand and offer you 50 cents.

And the day drags on. You fight off the hot sun; you fight off the bugs and at times you fight off your customers. You watch people trample your flowers and listen to them complain about your prices. You see them carry off a piece of your life.

When it is all over, you count up your money, subtract the price of the ad, divide by the number of hours worked, and you realize you made about 37 cents an hour for all the effort. Yet, you’re proud to be a part of the free enterprise system. The sale is over and a lot of your junk is gone, probably destined to show up at someone else’s garage sale in the future.

In a strange way, I even enjoyed it. I realized I can part with a few things and survive and just maybe some of that junk might actually do someone else some good. My wife even let me keep our wedding album, but I had to buy it at the garage sale.

Happy Sale-ing!

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Ashes to ashes.  Garage sale to garage sale.” ~ John Green

Friday Funny September 13, 2019 A Double Dose of Humor

Ha

Happy Friday the 13th!  Let’s kick the day off with a pair of jokes.

Enjoy!

I recently came across a rather interesting insight into the life and trials of Mahatma Ghandi.  As I am sue you are aware, Ghandi was widely recognized as a political and spiritual leader in India and around the world. 

Much of his travel was done very simply by walking barefoot.  All the walking resulted in very think and hard skin on the soles of his feet,  He also went on many hunger strikes during his life to protest the conditions of his people.  These repeated hunger strikes took a toll on his health to the point that he became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his strict diet, he wound up with very bad breath.

So, all this leads us to conclude a little known fact that Ghandi became a super-calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis!, (Don’t you feel better for knowing that?)

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Our recent vacation included some air travel and we all know what an ordeal air travel can be.  While we were making our way through the TSA checkpoints at CVG we were behind an individual who turned out to be a public school teacher.  As his bag was being examined they noticed that included in his carry-on bag was a compass, a protractor, and a graphing calculator.  This caused a lot of concern for the TSA agents.  Several of them took him aside and began to question him.  It appears that they suspected that he might be a member of the notorious Al-Gebra group.  I heard they were planning on charging hi with trying to transport weapons of math instruction.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“If God had really intended men to fly, he’d make it easier to get to the airport.”  ~George Winters

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