Category Archives: Friday Funny

Friday Funny March 20, 2020 Stay Patient and Laugh

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Happy Friday! Congratulations on surviving another week!  The world has been pretty crazy lately, but we do what we can to carry on.  My task at hand is to bring a chuckle to your Friday!

Enjoy! and Wash Your Hands!!

I had my patience tested today.  It came back negative

I went to get a haircut from an impatient barber, he cut it short.

I picked up a book by an impatient scientist, it’s about time.

I was at the doctor’s office and in the waiting room there was this very tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, the doctor saw me first. I guess he just had to be a little patient.

What did an impatient pot of water say to the noodles? Udon!?

What did the impatient vegetarian say to the waiter? Get me soup and make it snap pea!!

Is it true that an impatient communist’s favorite fish is Red Snapper?

Is it true that impatient people hate to go to the gym because of the weights?

A few weeks ago, I was at a restaurant.  I started to get impatient waiting on my food so I caught the waiter’s attention as he rushed by and asked. “How long will my spaghetti be?” He replied, “I don’t know. We don’t measure it.”

How many bricks do you need to screw in a light bulb?  Just two, but you need a lot of patience and a lot of light bulbs.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“There are three secrets to managing. The first secret is have patience. The second is be patient. And the third most important secret is patience.” ~  John McGraw, Legendary Baseball Manager

 

Friday Funny March 13, 2020 Keep Calm and Laugh

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Happy Friday! Congratulations on surviving this unusual week!  There are many things to choose from to worry about this week whether it is getting your taxes done, watching your retirement funds plummet or trying to avoid the corona-virus, there is no shortage of options.  So, just for a moment take a breath and try to keep your wits even if those around you are losing theirs.

(Try to) Enjoy!

Do people still run away and join the circus?  Asking for a friend.

A friend of men told me I was delusional; I almost fell off my unicorn.

It may be just a matter of time before they add the word “syndrome” to my last name.

The only sane people left are you and me and I am beginning to have my doubts about you.

I tried to be normal once, it was the worst ten minutes of my life.

I am fine, the rest of you could use some help.

This too shall pass, it might pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass.

I lost my mind several years ago, but it does send me the occasional postcard.

There is a fine line between genius and crazy, I like to use that line as a jump rope.

Some folks aren’t just missing a screw, they are missing the whole toolbox.

You can tell a lot about a person from their favorite book.  Swiping their phone and reading their texts also works.

Some people say you can tell a lot about a man by the shoes he’s wearing.  I say you can tell a lot about a person by the simplistic means they use to make judgments about people.

Trying to understand some people is like trying to smell the color 9.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later. “ ~ Mark Twain

Friday Funny March 6, 2020 Spring Forward with Jokes

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Happy Friday!  Don’t forget to set your clocks up this weekend as we welcome another round of Daylight Savings Time.  Personally I enjoy the days being light later.  So, you help you usher in the change, here are a few time-related jokes for you.

Enjoy!

What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle? An extra hour of rain.

The future, the present and the past show up at a party at the same time. Things got  pretty tense.

Growing up my friends and I really liked playing “Hide and Seek.” Sometimes the games would go on for hours and hours.  Good friends were hard to find.

I put a clock under my desk at work, now I am working overtime.

I was going to apply for a patent for a belt with a built-in watch but I decided it was just a  waist of time.

The bartender says “we don’t serve time travelers in here.” A time traveler walks into a bar.

For a while I was addicted to time travel, but that is all in my past now.

I was going to share a great joke about time travel but nobody laughed.

I joined a club of time travelers.  There have been some real fun times, so far:

       * I have made a lot of friends in the club, some of us go back years and years.

       * I won a great prize in the raffle last week, two tickets to Game 6 of the 1975 World              Series.

        * For a membership project, I invented a device to bring back herbs from the                            future.  I call it my little “thyme machine.”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“A man who owns a watch knows what time it is. A man who owns two watches is never quite certain.” ~ Unknown

Friday Funny February 28, 2020 More Humorous Headlines

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Happy Friday! I hope you can enjoy Leap Day tomorrow.  You have made it to the end of February – there is hope that Spring is on the way!  

This past week I came across three interesting headlines in the Wall Street Journal, not the place I would expect to find some bad puns, but here they are:

“The Shame of Hair Loss is Receding” – 02/22/2020

“If You Knead No-Carb Bread, It Might Cost You Some Dough” – 02/24/2020

“Surveillance Program Gets a Hard Look” – 02/24/2020

So, I scrounged around in the internet for some other amusing headlines to share with you this week.

Enjoy!

“Breathing oxygen linked to staying alive”

“Most Earthquake Damage is Caused by Shaking”

“Students Cook & Serve Grandparents”

“Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn’t seen in years.”

“Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant.”

“Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board”

“Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni”

“Police Say Man With No Hands and No Legs Is Armed and On the Run”

“Psychic Arrested Again – Still Didn’t See It Coming”

“China May Be Using Sea To Hide Its Submarines”

“Barbershop Singers Bring Joy to School for Deaf”

“Bugs flying around with wings are flying bugs.”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“A smile is the light in the window of your face that tells people you’re at home.”~Author unknown  http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Friday Funny February 21, 2020 Take A Few Jokes and Call Me in the Morning

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Happy Friday! The good news is that we have made it through 2/3 of winter, the bad news is that we are in the height of cold and flu season.  Even if you are feeling under the weather, hopefully if only hurts when you laugh.

Enjoy!

Is the difference between swine flu and bird flu that Swine Flu requires oinkment while Bird Flu requires Tweetment?

Would you call an astronomer with the stomach flu a gastrophysicist?

Today I received an email informing me that canned ham can cause swine flu, I sent it to my Spam file.

I think I will get a flu vaccination this year, I figure it is worth a shot.

I determined that I picked up the flu while waiting for a flight at the airport, I think it might be a terminal illness.

I became ill after I started taking self-defense classes, I think it is Kung Flu.

So, I finally went to the doctor.  She quickly glanced at me and told me I had the flu.  I told her that I would like to have a second opinion.  She looked at me and said, “OK then, you’re ugly too.”

I read a story today about an aspiring YouTube star that died from the flu, it seems he went viral.

I heard that Chuck Norris doesn’t get a flu shot.  Chuck Norris shoots the flu.

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A friend was telling me that while he was in Madrid, he came down with a really bad case of the flu.

He was sneezing and coughing and just felt terrible so, he just stayed in his room and decided to call the concierge to get help.

“Oh, so you’re sick!” came the reply. “Not a problem, we’ll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!”

He was amazed when the doctor strolled into his room within minutes.  The doctor quickly assessed his symptoms and prescribed medication to ease his symptoms and get him quickly back on track.  My friend was quite surprised and told the doctor how impressed he was that the hotel had such a competent doctor on site.  The doctor simply shook his head and replied:  “Nobody expects the Spanish inn Physician.”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“You cannot plow a field by turning it over in your mind.” ~Author Unknown

 

 

 

Friday Funny February 14, 2020 More Valentine’s Day Jokes

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Happy Friday!  In case you have not looked at a calendar lately – today is Valentine’s Day, so you best get crackin;!  I cannot help you with candy or flowers or jewelry for that special someone, but I can supply a few short jokes you can share.

Enjoy!

Did you hear about the guy who sent his wife’s Valentine through twitter because she was his tweetheart?

Did you know that on Valentine’s Day that cavemen used give their wives lots of ughs and kisses?

Did you hear about the girl who turned down a Valentine’s date from a font because he wasn’t her type?

Did the boy pickle ask the girl pickle to the Valentine’s dance because she meant a great dill to him?

Did the circle ask the triangle on Valentine’s Day date because he thought she was acute?

Did you hear about the two tennis players who met on Valentine’s Day?  It was a cause of  lob at first sight.

Did you hear about the near-sighted porcupine who sent a Valentine card to a pin cushion?

Did the banana ask the prune to the Valentine dance because  it couldn’t get a date?

Did the paper clip ask the magnet to the Valentine dance because he found her very attractive?

Did the two oars go out on Valentine’s Day because they were looking for a little row-mance?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The course of true love never did run smooth.” —By William Shakespeare in A Midsummer Night’s Dream

Friday Funny February 6, 2020 Insuring A Laugh For You

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Happy Friday!  Congratulations on making it through the first month of a new decade!  In your honor, I have selected some premium jokes that will insure your weekend gets off to a good start.

Enjoy!

Is it true that the high wire artist was denied insurance because of an outstanding balance?

Would a good name for an insurance salesman be Justin Case?

A man phoned to find out whether he could get insurance if the nearby volcano erupted…he was assured that he would be covered.

I bought my wife a top-of-the-line, state-of -the-art multi-speed mixer but it is excluded on my homeowners policy – seems it is a was high whisk.

Someone offered me skydiving insurance. She told me,”If something goes wrong, you’ll get a big payout.” I told her, “I’m not falling for that one again.”

The other day I was talking to my insurance agent and I told him I had had an accident and broke a leg; I wasn’t sure it can be fixed.  He listened and told me that he might be able to get me $35,000 in compensation.  He said he would get the forms over to me right away.  I am pretty excited, I only paid $25 for that table.

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There was a cowboy applying for health insurance. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.

“Ever have an accident?” – “Nope, nary a one.”

“None? You’ve never had any accidents.” – “Nope. Ain’t had one. Never.”

“Well, you said in this form you were bitten by a snake once. Wouldn’t you consider that an accident?”

“Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose.”

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THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” ~Will Rogers

 

Friday Funny January 31, 2020 Football Jokes for the Big Game

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Happy Friday!  I hear there is a big football game this weekend, so here are a few jokes that you can break out of the huddle with.

Enjoy!

Did you hear about the running back who hurt his back trying to run around his own end? 

Did you hear about the football player who ran through a screen door?  He strained himself.

Did you hear about the football team that hired a small ghost because they needed a little team spirit?

Is it true that centipedes are not allowed to play football because it takes them too long to tie their cleats?

Is it true that when football players begin to have problems with their eyesight, they become referees?

Would you call the son of an offensive lineman a chip off the old blocker?

Do centers wear hiking shoes on their feet?

When quarterbacks get too old to play do they put them put them out to pass-ture?

Did you hear about the football team that fumbled an exorcism? The guy retained possession.

If the coach’s dog ran onto the field during a game would the referee call that an ineligible retriever down field?

How did Scrooge end up with the football?  The ghost of Christmas passed.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“We can’t run. We can’t pass. We can’t stop the run. We can’t stop the pass. We can’t kick. Other than that, we’re just not a very good football team right now.” ~ Bruce Coslet on the Cincinnati Bengals team he was coaching.

Friday Funny January 24, 2020 Church Painting

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Happy Friday!  The days are getting a little longer as we have moved a month away from the shortest day of the year.  Longer days and warmer temperatures are on the way – it will just take a couple of more months for them to get here.  In the meantime here is a little story ab a little church that needed painting.

Enjoy!

Pastor Painting The Church

Once upon a time there was a quaint little church out in the countryside: it was painted white and had a a high steeple.

One day, the pastor noticed that the church needed some attention, the paint was starting to crack and peel.  However, funds were quite tight, so it would have to wait.  A few days later he noticed that the local hardware store was running a sale on paint.  So, he thought this must be a sign and he went into town and bought a few gallons of white paint hoping that it would be enough to paint the entire building.

The next Saturday he got to the task of painting.  As he finished the first side. All was well and it was looking great. However, he noticed he had already used more than half of his supply of paint. He really did not have the time or the funds run back in town for more paint.  He looked around the church shed and found a gallon of thinner.  So, he began to thin his paint hoping to have enough to complete the task.

It seemed to work out fine.  He finished the remaining three sides and admired his work when he was done.  However, that night, a big thunderstorm rolled through with lots of heavy rain. The next morning when he stepped outside of the parsonage to his dismay he noticed that the first side still looked good, but that the paint on the other three sides had been washed away.

Distraught, the pastor looked up at sky in anguish and cried out, “What shall I do?”A moment later a booming voice came back from the heavens saying, “Repaint! repaint! and thin no more!”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

‘Don’t let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.’

Friday Funny January 17, 2019 More Dad Jokes

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Happy Friday! Congratulations on making it through the first half of the first month of 2020!  To celebrate here are a few “Dad Jokes” for you.

Enjoy!

Justice is a dish best served cold, if it were served warm it would be justwater.

Would call an elephant that doesn’t matter an irrelephant?

Would you call a fish with two knees a two-knee fish!

Would you call the wife of a hippie Mississippi?

If a slice of apple pie is $4.50 in the Bahamas and $5.00 in Jamaica would those be the pie rates of the Caribbean?

The other day I was really down and a friend of mine kept saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.” I know he means well.

What did the horse say after it tripped? “Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!”

If you rearrange the letters of “Postmen”. They get really mad.

Did you hear about the drummer that had twin daughters? He named them Anna one, Anna two.

I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back.

Thought for the Week

“Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” –Ferris Bueller