Category Archives: Friday Funny

Friday Funny November 11, 2016 An Easy Quiz for Friday

Happy Friday! The sun came up today and you do not have to watch any more political ads or receive any political phone calls this weekend! So take a deep breath and relax.

Today is Veterans Day, so say “thank you” to a veteran when you have the opportunity.

Let’s kick off the weekend with a little pop quiz to get the brain functioning again.

Enjoy!

Pencils at the ready! Here we go!

1. Do they have a 4th of July in England? Yes or No

2. How many birthdays does the average man have?

3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?

4. How many outs are there in an inning?

5. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow’s sister? Yes or No

6. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?

7. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?

8. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour. How many minutes would the pills last?

9. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?

10. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?

11. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5′ 10” tall. What does he weigh?

12. How many two-cent stamps are there in a dozen?

Pencils down – no cheating!

The Answers:

1. Is there a fourth of July in England? Yes, it comes after the third of July, did you think they just skip that day in other countries?

2. How many birthdays does the average man have? Only one, all the rest are anniversaries.

3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28? Check your calendar, they all have at least 28 days.

4. How many outs are there in an inning? 6 – three in the top and three in the bottom.

5. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow’s sister? If he has a widow, he will not be marrying anyone.

6. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer? 70. (30 divided by 2 equals 15, but 30 divided by 1/2 equals 60)

7. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have? 2, you took them, remember?

8. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour. How many minutes would the pills last? 60. Start with the 1st pill, 30 minutes later take the 2nd, then 30 minutes for the 3rd.

9. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left? 9, all BUT 9 die.

10. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark? 0 I don’t believe Moses had an ark. If you need an ark built, I Noah guy!

11.A clerk in the butcher shop is 5′ 10” tall. What does he weigh? If he works in a butcher shop, probably a good chance that he weights MEAT.

12. How many two-cent stamps are there in a dozen? There are usually 12 in a dozen no matter that the dozen.

Hope you got at least a few of those right. Now, share these questions with someone else and, of course, tell them that you did not miss any!

Thought for the Week

“Our veterans left everything they knew and loved and served with exemplary dedication and courage so we could all know a safer America and a more just world. They have been tested in ways the rest of us may never fully understand…. On Veterans Day, and every day, let us show them the extraordinary gratitude they so rightly deserve…” ~Barack Obama, 2015 November 5th, quoted from The White House Office of the Press Secretary

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny November 4, 2016 Heading Home

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Happy Friday! If you are a Cubs fan, it has been a great week for you as “the curse” has finally been put to rest. As the glory of the 2016 World Series fades, I wanted to leave you with some baseball thoughts to keep you warm through the coming cold winter months. Spring training is less than four months away!

Enjoy!

You can describe baseball in one word: ‘Youneverknow.’- Joaquin Andujar

The baseball mania has run its course. It has no future as a professional endeavor. — Cincinnati Gazette editorial, 1879

The secret of managing is to keep the guys who hate you away from the guys who are undecided.
– Casey Stengel

There comes a time in every man’s life and I’ve had many of them. – Casey Stengel

See that fella over there? He’s 20 years old. In 10 years, he’s got a chance to be a star. Now that fella over there, he’s 20 years old, too. In 10 years he’s got a chance to be 30.
– Casey Stengel

I remember one time going out to the mound to talk with Bob Gibson. He told me to get back behind the plate where I belonged, and that the only thing I knew about pitching was that I couldn’t hit it. – Tim McCarver

I have only one superstition. I touch all the bases when I hit a home run.
– Babe Ruth

I’ve had pretty good success with Stan by throwing him my best pitch and backing up third. – Carl Erskine, on how to pitch to Stan Musial:

I got my faults but living in the past is not one of them … there’s no future in it. – Sparky Anderson

Baseball is almost the only orderly thing in a very unorderly world. If you get three strikes, even the best lawyer in the world can’t get you off.
– Bill Veeck

Baseball players are smarter than football players. How often do you see a baseball team penalized for too many players on the field? – Jim Bouton

There are two theories on hitting the knuckleball … unfortunately, neither of them works. – Charlie Lau

The way to catch a knuckleball is to wait for it to stop rolling and then pick it up. – Bob Uecker

It’s tough to make predictions, especially about the future. – Yogi Berra

Thought for the Week

I’ve seen the future, and it’s much like the present, only longer.
– Dan Quizzenberry

Friday Funny October 28, 2016 Fifteen Signs You Are Too Old for “Trick or Treat”

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Happy Friday! This weekend is the time to stock up on goodies for the little ghouls and goblins who will be paying you a visit soon. You might even be tempted to go out for “Trick or Treat” yourself; however before you grab a pillowcase and head toward your neighbor’s house take a few moments to ponder if you just might be a bit to old for this.

Enjoy!

YOU’RE TOO OLD TO TRICK OR TREAT WHEN…

…You have trouble staying up late enough for Trick or Treat to begin.

…Your biggest fear is biting into a Bit-O-Honey and getting your dentures stuck in it.

… Almost anything currently hanging in your closet can be used as a costume.

…Your costume is older than most of the kids out for Trick or Treat.

…You have been dressing up as Luke Skywalker ever since Episode IV was released.

…You have been dressing up as Michael Myers ever since the original Halloween was released.

…You started dressing up as Elvis when he was still alive.

… Your back begins to ache from carrying around that heavy bag of candy.

… People say, “Great Frankenstein Mask,” and you’re not wearing a mask.

… The door opens you yell, “Trick or…” and can’t remember the rest.

… By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

…You remember when “Thriller” was a new song.

…You remember when “The Monster Mash” was a new song.

… You’re the only Ghost-buster in the neighborhood with a walker.

…You don’t think “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” is the same without the Dolly Madison commercials.

Thought for the Week

Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, “Never take candy from strangers.” And then they dressed me up and said, “Go beg for it.” I didn’t know what to do! I’d knock on people’s doors and go, “Trick or treat.” “No thank you.” ~ Rita Rudner

Friday Funny October 21, 2016 Emails for the Trash Bin

Friday Funny October 14, 2016 Take My Jokes, Please!

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Happy Friday! This is an exciting week for me as one of my son’s is getting married this weekend. So, of course, I had to offer up a little matrimonially related humor.

Enjoy!

There are two times a man does not understand a woman, before marriage and after marriage.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

Did you hear about the two bed bugs that fell in love? They got married in the spring.

Did you hear about the two antennae that got married? T ceremony was not that great, but the reception was terrific.

What do you call two spiders that just got married? Newly-webs.

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. (Henny Youngman)

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it. (Ann Bancroft)

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half-shut afterwards. (Benjamin Franklin)

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. (Milton Berle)

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns)

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner. (Red Skelton)

If you think your marriage is perfect, you’re probably still at your reception. (Martha Bolton)

Thought for the Week

“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” ~ Rita Rudner

Friday Funny October 7, 2016 Time Keeps Slippin’ Into the Future

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Happy Friday! Another week has gone by quickly, it seems like all weeks go by quickly. Then those weeks turn into years and the years turn into decades and before you realize it a lot of sand has flowed through that hourglass we call time. Like Aerosmith sang

“Every time when I look in the mirror
All these lines on my face getting clearer
The past is gone
It went by, like dusk to dawn”

This week I was thinking about many things that have come and gone during my lifetime. As you look through the list a few may bring a smile to your face and a few may make you cringe. I am sure you could add many more to the list. If none of these mean anything to you, then you are just a young whippersnapper!

Enjoy!

Columbia Hose (12 Albums or a penny)

A record on the back of a cereal box

Buying a CD player for its anti-skip technology.

Running out of hours on your AOL account.

“Be kind and rewind.”

Floppy disks (3.5 and/or 5/25)

Getting your film developed

Dial-up Internet

Fax machines

The encyclopedia

Jarts

Saturday Morning Cartoons

Physical Mail

Card Catalog

Clothesline

Glass milk jugs (delivered to your house)

Sea-monkeys

Tang and Space Food Sticks

Creepy Crawlers

Sun Tan Lotion

Pagers

Personal Digital Assistants (PDAs)

Paper Maps

CB Radios

Slide Projectors

Punch Cards

Walkie Talkies

Ditto Machines

Carbon Paper

White Out

transistor Radios

VCR’s

Thought for he Week

“The future has a way of arriving unannounced.” ~ George Will
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Friday Funny September 30, 2016 Another Baker’s Dozen of Puns

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Happy Friday! Can you believe that this week brings us to the end of the third quarter of 2016? As we kick off this weekend, here is a another baker’s dozen of puns for you to ponder.

Enjoy!

My math teacher called me average. How mean!

I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I am uncertain of your reaction.

I thought about trying to annoy you with bird puns, but I realized that toucan play at that game.

Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey. (Sorry, I usually hate insects puns, they really bug me.)

The other day I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought to myself now this is the last thing I need.

I am the ghost of Christmas Future Perfect Subjunctive: I will show you what would have happened were you not to have changed your ways!

Herb gardeners who work extra get thyme and a half

Last night, I kept dreaming that I had written Lord of the Rings. When I woke up, my wife said that I’d been Tolkien in my sleep

I was in the grocery the other day and this guy just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!

Awhile back I heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.

So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means!? It’s not like it is the end of the world!

I once knew a woman who owned a taser, man was she stunning!

I knew a guy who collected candy canes, they were all in mint condition.

Thought for the Week

“Of puns it has been said that those who most dislike them are those who are least able to utter them.” ~ Edgar Allan Poe

Friday Funny September 23, 2016 I Choose to Laugh

1 Reply

Happy Friday! Summer is officially over, fall is here and next week brings us the first presidential debate. This week I offer you some nonpartisan humor to help us make through the next couple of months.

Enjoy!

When the President pushes the big red button, Chuck Norris’s cell phone rings.

If Chuck Norris were president, he would protect the secret service.

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. “Give me your money,” he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, “You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!” “In that case,” replied the robber, “Give me MY money!”

—————————————————————————————————————————————–

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from New York, another is from Kentucky, and the third is from Ohio. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Ohio contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.” The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.” The New York contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.” The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?” The New York contractor whispers back, “$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Kentucky to fix the fence.” “Done!” replies the government official.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

A minster walks into a Washington, D.C., barbershop, got his hair cut and asked how much he owed. “No charge, Reverend,” the barber said. “I consider it a service to the Lord.” when the barber arrived at his shop the next morning, he found a Bible on the stoop along with a thank you note.

A few days later a police officer came in got his hair cut and asked how much he owed. “No charge, officer,” the barber answered. “I consider it a service to my community.” The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts on the stoop along with a thank you note from the police officer.

A few days after that, a Senator walked in for a haircut. “How much do I owe you?” he asked afterward. “No charge,” the barber replied. “I consider it a service to my country.” The next morning when he arrived at the shop, the barber found a dozen Senators waiting on the stoop.

Thought for the Week

We have plenty of Confidence in this country, but we are a little short of good men to place our Confidence in. ~Will Rogers

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny September 16, 2016 Jokes You Can Bank On

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Happy Friday! I started a job as a bank teller in September 1990 and I have been working for or hanging around banks ever since. Here are a few banking jokes that I hope interest you this week.

Enjoy!

Q: How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to hold the bulb, and three to try to remember the combination.

Open For Business

Did you hear the one about the bank where the employees went on strike, leaving the bank officers to do the teller’s tasks?

While the strike was on, a customer called the bank to ask if they were open. They told her that they had two windows open.

Then the caller asked, “Can’t I just come through the front door?”

Banking Crisis Looming in Japan
According to the latest reports, a major banking crisis is immanent in Japan.

The crisis began last week following news that Origami Bank had folded. Now we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank is planning to cut back some of its branches.

Rumor has it that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and could be had for a song.

During trading today shares in Kamikaze Bank nose-dived. Latest reports say that 500 back-office staff are on the chopping block at Karate Bank.

Further analysts have reported that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank –staff fear they may be in for a raw deal.

Thought for the Week

“A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.” ~ attributed to Mark Twain and Robert Frost

Friday Funny September 2, 2016 My Labor Day Resume

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A world without humor just isn't funny.

Category Archives: Friday Funny

Friday Funny November 11, 2016 An Easy Quiz for Friday

Friday Funny November 4, 2016 Heading Home

Friday Funny October 28, 2016 Fifteen Signs You Are Too Old for “Trick or Treat”

Friday Funny October 21, 2016 Emails for the Trash Bin

Friday Funny October 14, 2016 Take My Jokes, Please!

Thought for the Week

Friday Funny October 7, 2016 Time Keeps Slippin’ Into the Future

Friday Funny September 30, 2016 Another Baker’s Dozen of Puns

Friday Funny September 23, 2016 I Choose to Laugh

Friday Funny September 16, 2016 Jokes You Can Bank On

Friday Funny September 2, 2016 My Labor Day Resume