Happy Friday! Let’s kickoff the weekend with some medical jokes.
Enjoy!
I heard that the worst place to hide in a hospital is the ICU.
Have you heard about the new Canadian strain of Covid? People are showing up at the hospital eh-symptomatic.
I stopped by a local hospital today only to find that it had been converted into a library, I had to suffer in silence.
I heard about a man who was admitted to hospital after swallowing 6 plastic horses. His condition has been described as stable.
I heard that the nicest guy in the hospital is the ultra-sound guy.
I heard that the coolest guy in the hospital is the hip replacement guy.
I heard about a dermatologist who was fired at the hospital for making too many rash decisions.
When I was young, I once dated an X-ray tech I met during a short hospital stay, I always wondered what she saw in me.
If you donate a kidney to a hospital everyone thinks you are a hero but if you donate 10 kidneys everyone thinks you are a monster.
I woke this morning with an awful cough, I think it might be pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, but it’s hard to say.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“Everything is so expensive. What hospitals really need is cheaper equipment — like an X-ray machine that takes four poses for a quarter.” ~Robert Orben, 2400 Jokes to Brighten Your Speeches, 1984
Happy Easter! Happy Passover and Happy Tax Day – well maybe not so happy about Tax Day. Maybe laughing about will make you feel a little better.
Enjoy!
I heard that accountants are able to remain cool, calm and collected because they have strong internal controls.
I heard that accountants like the weekends because they get to wear casual clothes to work.
I heard about a cannibal CPA, he charges an arm and a leg.
I heard about an accountant and banker who got broke off their relationship, seems they couldn’t reconcile their differences.
Did you hear about the auditor who proposed to his girlfriend with an engagement letter?
Did you hear about the CPA who was having a mid-life crisis? He bought a faster calculator.
Did you hear about the church that was getting indicted by the IRS for displaying false prophets?
Did you hear about the chiropractor who was audited by IRS? She owed back taxes.
I heard about a new dating app for CPAs. it’s called “Let’s Get Fiscal.”
If you crossed a tax accountant with a jet airplane would you get a Boring 747?
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“It’s income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta.” ~ Dave Barry.
Happy Friday! Flowers are started to bloom, trees are started to leaf out and baseball is back. So let’s lead off the weekend with some baseball jokes.
Enjoy!
If the Kool-aid Man was on your baseball team would he be a Relief Pitcher?
I heard about an opera singer who made it to the big leagues – seems he had perfect pitch.
I wanted to wear Adidas to play baseball, but they would not let me bat – apparently it is three stripes and you’re out.
Things have gotten ridiculous, my son’s youth baseball game was rained out and they gave him a precipitation trophy.
The other day I saw a giant mouse so I tried killing it with a baseball bat – now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyworld.
I heard about a baseball player who went to the local library. He was only there five minutes; it was a short stop.
If you crossed a tree with a baseball player, would you get Babe Root?
If a baseball player wanted to make a bake a cake would he use oven mitts, bundt pans and batter?
Did you hear about the baseball player who tried to wash his socks in the bleachers?
I heard that Mario Mendoza shut down his website because he was not getting enough hits.
If you crossed a baseball pitcher with a carpet would you get throw rug?
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“Every strike brings me closer to the next home run.” ~ Babe Ruth
Happy Friday! Happy April! Happy April Fool’s Day!
Enjoy!
I filled up my gas tank tonight and I swapped the labels on the pumps. It is my April Fuels’ joke.
If you buy a hammer bought on April 1st would it be an April tool?
Is it true that eggs like April Fools’ Day for the practical yolks?
Here is an idea – let’s spend April Fools’ Day on Instagram and fool each other into believing we have glamorous lives.
If it is raining chickens on April Fool’s Day would you say it was fowl spring weather?
I noticed there was a display of invisible books at the library on April Fools day, but I saw right through it.
Today I got an email from a Nigerian Prince asking me for $100,000 to help him build a business and he would pay me $1,000,000 in return. He must think I am a fool, I already invested in a Prince from Qatar for half the price last week.
For April fools my wife replaced my Alpha-bits with Cheerios. I have no words to say how angry I am.
April Fools’ Day is like a huge open mic night with millions of people going out of their way to demonstrate how unfunny they are.
Due to continuing COVID restrictions, April Fool’s Day has been POSTPONED. I’ll tell you the new date tomorrow.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.” – Mark Twain
Happy Friday! With all the stuff going on in the world, baseball is a pretty trivial thing. However, sometimes a little distraction from all that is going on is nice. The baseball players and owners have reached an agreement and soon the crack of the bat will again be heard as players get active in spring training. So, let’s turn to one of the sages of baseball this week for some quotations from Bob Uecker.
Enjoy!
“I knew when my career was over. In 1965, my baseball card came out with no picture.”
“The best way to catch a knuckleball is to wait until the ball stops rolling and then pick it up.”
“I set records that will never be equaled. In fact, I hope 90% of them don’t even get printed.”
“They said I was such a great prospect that they were sending me to a winter league to sharpen up. When I stepped off the plane, I was in Greenland.”
“I had a great shoe contract and glove contract with a company who paid me a lot of money never to be seen using their stuff.”
“Career highlights? I had two. I got an intentional walk from Sandy Koufax and I got out of a rundown against the Mets.”
“I led the league in go get ’em next time.”
“When I looked to the third base coach for a sign, he turned his back on me.”
“In 1962 I was named Minor League Player of the Year. It was my second season in the bigs.”
“Baseball hasn’t forgotten me. I go to a lot of old-timers games and I haven’t lost a thing. I sit in the bullpen and let people throw things at me. Just like old times.”
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“Baseball, it is said, is only a game. True. And the Grand Canyon is only a hole in Arizona. Not all holes, or games, are created equal.” ~ George F. Will (American Newspaper Columnist, Writer, and Journalist)
Welcome to March! With all the crazy stuff going on in the world maybe you need to take a moment to laugh at cats.
Enjoy!
Did you hear about the alien who found a cat? He said, “Take me to your litter.”
The other day I heard a joke about a three-legged cat, it was a major faux paw.
Would you call a fluffy male cat asleep on a bed a Him-a-lay-an?
I inherited a pencil once owned by Shakespeare but my cat chewed it up so badly that I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B.
Is it true that a cat’s favorite TV show is Claw and Order?
Did you hear about the cat who lost all her savings when she invested in a purr-a-mid scheme?
Would you call a cat who was super-stylish –“Haute-cat-ture”?
When two cats part ways do they say “See ya litter”?
Is it true that a cat’s favorite subject in school is Hisss-tory?
Would you call a cat who lives in an igloo an eskimew?
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“I gave my cats a bath the other day … they love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it, it was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that…” ~ Steve Martin
Happy Friday! Congratulations on making it to the end of February! This week I thought I would break out some more song lyrics that are often misheard. (If you want to impress your friends – they are called mondegreens.) I am guessing there is a good chance one or more of these songs will be stuck in your head until the first of March.
Enjoy!
“We built this city on sausage rolls”/“We built this city on rock and roll”
‘We Built This City’ by Starship
“Saving his life from this warm sausage tea”/“Spare him his life from this monstrosity”
‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ by Queen
“A year has passed since I broke my nose”/“A year has passed since I wrote my note”
‘Message in a Bottle’ by The Police
“This is the dawning of the Age of Asparagus”/“This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius”
‘Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In’ by Fifth Dimension
“Kicking your cat all over the place”/“Kicking your can all over the place”
‘We Will Rock You’ by Queen
“We didn’t start the fire, it was always burning, said the worst attorney”/ “We didn’t start the fire, it was always burning, since the world’s been turning”
‘We Didn’t Start the Fire’ by Billy Joel
“You’ve been outright offensive, for so long now”/“You’ve been out riding fences, for so long now”
‘Desperado’ by The Eagles
“I travel the world in generic jeans”/“I travel the world and the seven seas”
‘Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)’ by The Eurythmics
“See that girl, watch her scream, kicking the dancing queen”/“See that girl, watch that scene, dig in the dancing queen”
‘Dancing Queen’ by ABBA
“I’ve got two chickens to paralyze”/“I’ve got two tickets to paradise”
‘Two Tickets to Paradise’ by Eddie Money
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“Late February days; and now, at last, Might you have thought that winter’s woe was past; So fair the sky was, and so soft the air.”
~William Morris, “February: Bellerophon in Lycia,” The Earthly Paradise: A Poem, 1870
Leonard's Lines 