Happy last Friday in January! 2022 is almost 1/12 over which is hard to believe. What is even harder to believe is that the Cincinnati Bengals are playing in the ACF Championship this weekend. Maybe, just maybe, the tide is turning for the franchise that has been the brunt of jokes for too long. So let’s kick off the weekend with some football jokes.
Who-Dey!
Is it true that when football players begin to have vision problems, they become referees?
Would you call an offensive lineman’s kid a chip off the old blocker?
Should centers wear hiking shoes?
Joe Burrow tried to tell a joke to his receivers but it went over their heads.
As the Bengals were boarding the plane for Kansas City, Mike Brown went up the service desk and said, “Put me in coach!”
If you crossed Joe Burrow with a carpet would you get a throw rug?
If you do not want to catch Covid-19 try dressing up as an NFL referee because they never seem to know what a catch is.
I heard that Joe Burrow had a dream that he would be an NFL quarterback – it appears his prediction came to pass.
Is it true that centipedes are not allowed to play football teams because it takes them too long to put their cleats on?
Is it true that old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away?
This week I wanted to make the Friday Funnies about football, I guess it is my goal post.
Happy Friday! Greetings again, another week down and time for a little levity. We use words all day, every day and when we turn them around a little, they can bring a smile to us.
The following could be referred to as “Garden Path Sentences.” They try to deceive one in a sequence of steps, they “lead you down the garden path” to mislead you into parsing and interpreting them incorrectly.
Enjoy!
To write with a broken pencil is …pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes . . . take debate.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes . . . was on shaky ground.
A dentist and a manicurist married…then they fought tooth and nail.
With her marriage, she got a new name . .. . and a dress.
You are stuck with your debt if . . . you can’t budge it.
A boiled egg is . . . hard to beat.
When you’ve seen one shopping center . . . you’ve seen a mall.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was . . . resisting a rest.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could . . .. jog your memory.
A bicycle can’t stand alone; . . . it is two-tired.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine . . . was fully recovered.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, . . . she thought she’d dye.
Acupuncture is . . . a jab well done.
Thought for the Week
“It’s a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water.” ~Franklin P. Jones
This evening I need to rant for a few minutes. I have noticed lately that I am hearing the word “countless a lot. Each time I hear this word, a little voice in my head asks, “is this really countless?”
I have heard news stories stating that if this or that had been done during the COVID pandemic that “countless” lives would have been saved. The thought occurred to me that we do count the lives lost, so would not the lives that could have been saved be equal to or less than those who have died?
A few weeks ago, there was a story of a bar that was preparing for New Year’s Eve that had “countless” drink options. I have a feeling that the number of drink options could be counted. Even faster than counting would be to calculate the number of combinations give the number of ingredients – high school math flashback warning – shown below:
My point is, given the tools that we have at our disposal today, just about anything can be counted. As is often the case, we are just too lazy to keep track or do the math. There are probably some exceptions, the number of grains of sand on the beach (although you could extrapolate a number based on a small sample) and the number of stars in the sky.
So,with apologies to Elizabeth Barrett Browning and her Sonnet 43 (See-she kept track of her sonnets!), let us stop with the overuse of “countless” and start counting. By the way, when she wrote, “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways,” there were less than 30 ways set forth. I know this because I read the poem and counted them.
Happy Friday! The holidays are behind us and we are smack in the middle of January 2022. While the days are cold and short, you might be spending more time watching television or surfing the Internet which exposes you to lots of advertising and marketing. So, this week let’s have a laugh for all the ads we see.
Enjoy!
I started a new job in the marketing department at Chips Ahoy, my first task is to enable cookies.
Is it true that Dracula does A-COUNT-based marketing?
I heard that digital marketers love to shop at Whole Foods because of all the organic content.
Is the best way to market cat food by developing buyer purrr-sonas?
I think Marvel should use the Hulk in more of its advertising, I mean he’s literally a giant Banner.
Yesterday I saw a huge billboard advertising clocks, I guess it’s just a sign of the times.
I heard about the marketer who switched to a job making butter, seems he had a high churn rate.
Is it true that a social media marketer’s favorite snack is Insta-graham crackers?
I heard about a digital marketer who dumped her long-time boyfriend over a serious lack of engagement.
I heard about a digital marketer who switched to professional tap dancing because he thought he was going to get paid per click.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots. ~Gardening saying
Happy Friday! I hope 2022 is off to a good start for you. This week has brought some snow to many part of the county, so let’s kick off a new year with some snow jokes.
Enjoy!
Is it true that a mountain’s favorite type of candy is Snowcaps?
Would you call a snowman with a six-pack an abdominal snowman?
Is it true that snowmen get around by riding an icicle?
Is it true that Frosty’s favorite relative is Aunt Artica?
Did you hear about the boy that was wearing only one boot because there was a 50 percent chance of snow?
Would you call a snowman’s dog a slush puppy?
Did you hear about the fortune teller that kept predicting snowstorms? It turns out she didn’t have a crystal ball, it was a snow globe.
I read about a scientist who was conducting experiments with thin ice, it is expecting a major breakthrough.
It is so cold, I had to chop up my piano for firewood but I only got a chord.
I heard the next 007 will be a Snowman. He has a license to chill.
Would you call the offspring of a Snowman, his Chill-dren?
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“Some people spend their entire lives seeing the snow without ever seeing the magic in the existence of one snowflake.” ~ Emily Littlejohn
It was sad to learn last week of the passing of the Father of one of my childhood friends. Mr. Earl Collier was a fairly big man who seemed even larger when I was young. He had two sons, Jim who was the age of my older brother Mike and Rick who was a year behind me in school. We used to play football in his yard, Rick, Chuck (Rick’s cousin who was my age and lived behind the Collier’s) and me against Jim and my brother. We came home covered in mud many times after those football games.
However, my most vivid memory of Mr. Collier is related to baseball. Jim and Mike had taken Rick and I to the Little League fields behind Hara Arena for some extra practice, I think it was on a Sunday afternoon in the days long before cell phones. The four of us were out on the field and I am sure Jim and Mike were teaching Rick and me the finer points of the game and we were the only ones out there that afternoon.
In the midst of our fun, we see a car approaching, it kicked up some dust as it moved from the paved Hara Arena parking lot to the gravel parking lot of the Shiloh-Ft. McKinley Little League. As the car got closer we could recognize it as Mr. Collier’s vehicle. The car stopped at the end of the gravel lot, out beyond the outfield while we were around Homeplate.
Apparently Jim and Rick were expected back home at a certain time and that time had passed. I can still see Mr. Collier getting out of the vehicle, looking towards us and bellowing, “You’ve got three minutes to get home and two of them are already gone!”
Mr. Collier got back in the car and left as quickly as he came and, needless to say Jim and Rick scurried as quickly as they could back home.
As we come to the end of another year, allow me to wish you a very Happy New Year! Thank you for allowing me to share a little humor with you this past year and I hope you will allow me to continue to do so in 2022.
Enjoy!
As I wrapped up the last workday of 2021, I was feeling bad about the future, then I installed the new version of Office and it improved my Outlook.
So, The Past, Present, and Future all walk into a bar, things got pretty tense.
Did you know if you drink the fluid from a magic 8 ball you can see the future? Really, I read about a guy who did it once and he said he was going to die and then he did.
I was thinking today about a future where humanity has no choice but to leave earth. It was unsettling.
I am convinced that Highlighter pens will be very important in the future. Mark my words.
I read that glass coffins will be popular in future. Remains to be seen.
If I had a DeLorean, I do not think I would use it every day, I would probably only drive it from time to time.
If, in the future, a robot decided to avoid eliminating its target for as long as possible, would that be a Procrastinator?
A friend convinced me that one can use ketchup to tell the future. In Heinz-sight I should have known better.
I told my grandson that he should be a cement contractor. Now there is a field that has a solid future.
If you travel to the future and get decapitated there, would you be ahead of your time?
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“The future ain’t what it used to be.” ~ Yogi Berra
Happy Friday!The holiday season is in full swing, so to get you pumped up for shopping, here are some Christmas shopping jokes wrapped up just for you.
Enjoy!
Here is a tip on how to save a lot of money on Christmas shopping – simply express your political views on Facebook.
The other day I told my Mom that Amazon is the best place for Christmas shopping. This morning she called me from Brazil.
I went into a toy store to do some early Christmas shopping and asked the assistant, “Where are the Arnold Schwarzenegger dolls?” He said, “Aisle B, back.”
My wife said to me that if I got her one more stupid gift this Christmas, she would burn it. So, I bought her a candle.
I was Christmas shopping for my granddaughter so I asked what she was liked and my wife told me she likes “anything Frozen”. So, I got her some popsicles and some pizza rolls.
Is it true that Captain Nemo does not get any Christmas presents because he is always on the Nautilus?
I just bought my wife an artificial leg for Christmas. It’s not her main present, just a stocking filler.
The only Christmas gift I got two years ago was a deck of sticky playing cards. I found that very hard to deal with.
The sweater my wife got me last Christmas kept picking up static electricity. I took it back to the store and exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Last Christmas, my wife bought me new beads for my abacus. It is the little things that count.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“Christmas is a necessity. There has to be at least one day of the year to remind us that we’re here for something else besides ourselves.” ~Eric Severeid
It it time again for my “Rudolph Rant.” I just have to get out my soap box and try to open your eyes to what is really going on in one of the specials that is prevalent on TV this time time of year.
Every year since 1964, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer airs on television this time of the year. It is one of four Christmas specials from the 1960’s that continue to make an annual yuletide appearance. The others are How the Grinch Stole Christmas and A Charlie Brown Christmas (two of my favorites) and Frosty the Snowman (one of my least favorites).
I would imagine that you have seen Rudolph, probably many, many times. But have you ever stopped to think much about this seemingly innocent story? For instance have you ever noticed how mean and unSanta-like Santa is? Have you noticed that Santa is portrayed as a self-centered, mean, impatient, old man. He is certainly not a “right jolly old elf” by any means in this story. Remember how all the Elves work long and hard on a song especially for Santa in their spare time? The joyful elves present their song to an obviously disinterested Santa who responds at the end with “it needs work, I have to go.” Perhaps Santa was preparing for a career as a judge on American Idol? Later as Mrs. Claus is trying to fatten him up for the big day he whines, “How can I eat? That silly Elf song is driving me crazy!”
Plus, if you think about it, Santa’s attitude toward Rudolph throughout the entire show is quite self-serving. While Santa is initially impressed with Rudolph’s performance during the reindeer games, once Rudolph’s fake nose falls off Santa quickly changes his tune and scolds Rudolf’s father while the other reindeer children mock Rudolph. Perhaps Santa needs #stopbullying. It is only at the end when Santa realizes that completing his job is dependent on exploiting Rudolf’s unique abilities that he sees any real value in Rudolph.
After all these years, I still do not understand the Island of Misfit Toys. Charlie in the Box is there because of his name? Currently on ebay you can buy a Sock Monkey in the Box, a Curious George in the Box, a Flipper in a Box, a Magic Dragon in the Box and a Sponge Bob Square Pants in the Box. There are more than 200 listings for a Charlie in a Box! So what is the issue here? I think it is his attitude the chip on his shoulder – not his name.
What about the train with square wheels on the caboose. Wasn’t Hermey a trained Elf? Don’t you think a trained Elf could have made some round wheels for the caboose? He probably could have helped the boat that sunk to be able to float as well. Why didn’t Hermey help the misfit toys? It seems to me that if Hermey really cared about the misfit toys, he could have helped a few of them out. And by the way, at the end, was it really a good idea to let Hermey practice dentistry in his spare time without any formal training? I wonder if he had any malpractice insurance?
Then there was the Dolly for Sue. What exactly was her problem? Apparently Arthur Rankin of Rankin-Bass has stated that Dolly had psychological issues caused by being abandoned by Sue. Well what kid wants a toy with psychological issues? Maybe they could market her as a doll that comes with her very own “baggage.” Perhaps she was a sister to the Talking Tina doll that made an appearance on an episode of The Twilight Zone.
Yukon Cornelius, would you let your young ones set off to the unknown with him as a guardian? What exactly was he teaching impressionable little ones? He throws his pick-axe into the snow, picks it up and licks it in hopes of finding silver or gold? What are the odds that would ever work? Plus it must be quite unsanitary and who would want to risk getting metal splinters on their tongue?
However, they saved the cruelest moment in the show for the end. It is supposed to be a feel good moment as Santa delivers the long forgotten misfit toys. Remember how an Elf comes out of Santa’s bag and starts giving each misfit toy a little umbrella as a parachute as he sends it to gently drift down to its new home? Next time you watch Rudolph pay close attention to the misfit bird. Remember the bird is a misfit because it can swim BUT IT CANNOT FLY. The Elf holds the umbrella in one hand and the bird in the other, then he pauses and lets go of the misfit swimming bird. He waves “bye-bye” as the “bird” free falls toward the earth. If Less Nessman was on the scene he would no doubt say the bird “hit the ground like a sack of wet cement.”
And all these years, you thought Rudolph was a nice, innocent, little story.
Thought for the Week
Like I said, the outside world is up to its ears in danger. ~ Sam the Snowman, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Leonard's Lines 