Category Archives: Humor

Friday Funny December 13, 2019 Elf Jokes

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Happy Friday and Ho! Ho! Ho! Christmas is less than two weeks away and it seems like everyone is busy with Holiday preparations.  Perhaps no one is busier than all the little folks up at the toy shop at the North Pole, the Elves.  So, in their honor here are a few jokes to kick off your weekend.

Enjoy!

Would you call one of Santa’s helpers who is greedy Elfish?

Would you call someone wo makes toy guitars and sings “Blue Christmas” Elfis?

Would you call someone who lives at the North Pole, builds toys and rides in a pumpkin Cinder-Elf-a?

Would you call an Elf who sings a wrapper?

Would you call a holistic Elf doctor a gnome-opath?

When little Elves get home from school do they have to do their gnome work?

Is it true that the most popular car for elves is a Toy-ota?

Is it true that the first thing that Elves have to do when they arrive for work is to YULE LOGon their computer?

How many Elves does it take to change a light bulb?  Ten –  One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other’s shoulders.

Does Santa pay Elves with jingle bills?

Did Santa’s helper go to the doctor because he had low “Elf” esteem?

If Santa rides in a sleigh do Elves ride in Mini vans?

On his 1040 does Santa list his status as Elf-employed?

Did Rudolph go to public school or was he Elf-taught?

Do Santa’s Helpers use their phones to take Elfies?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The only real blind person at Christmas-time is he who has not Christmas in his heart.” ~ Helen Keller

Memorable Christmas Presents – Tudor Electric Football

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Madden NFL is one of the most popular electronic football games debuted in 1988. According to EA Sports, this game “captures the emotion and intensity of the NFL like never before.” The game allows you to control your favorite teams and NFL superstars and lets you “feel what it’s like to play on Sundays. “ You are in control, you can choose the play, you can call an audible, you can pick the angle from which you watch the game, you can zoom in, you can zoom out. Then when the play is over you can watch a reply from a multitude of angles. In other words, it is just too complicated for an old guy like me.

However, I remember back when John Madden was an actual coach if the Oakland Raiders.  During that time the big item on my Christmas wish list was  a “state of the art” (for that time) football game – Tudor Electric Football. This modern marvel allowed you to play football on a metal field.  The game included plastic players that  were placed on the metal field in formations that allegedly looked “like a real football set-up.”  The “football” was a football-shaped piece of felt that retained the football shape for about two plays out of the box and thereafter looked like a piece of pocket lent.

Ideally there were two players.  Once all the players were set in their proper places on offense and defense the game was turned and then the real magic began.  The switch activated a small electric motor causing the field to vibrate which made the players, as described by the Tudor folks, “move around the field just like real football.” That might be true if real football players were all hooked up to jumper cables carrying 1000 kw. The play was over when a player was “tackled” which was defined as any part of his base being touched by any part of a base of any player on the other team.

Each player was attached to a base with little plastic prongs.  The prongs were there to allow you to guide how they moved, or so they said.  In reality mist players tended to just make odd little circles,  The play continued until the circle of the offensive player with the ball intersected with a circle of one of the defensive players. So, a great deal of time would be taken between each play as I would set-up all my players just the way I needed them for a great play – then as soon as I hit the switch, I would watch them all start jumping around in circles and falling over on their sides.

We would play this for awhile trying to get the game to have some abstract resemblance to “real football.” Then,as now, I would determine this high tech stuff was just too complicated for me.  The result would be something that just is totally shocking today.We would grab a real football shaped football and go to some real grass that was really outside with other real kids where we would try to “move around just like real football” and actually play football.

 

© 2019 LeonardsLines.com

Aluminum Christmas Trees

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Thanksgiving is over and the holiday season is in full swing.  I enjoy seeing the neighborhood lights and the decorations in our house.  My wife has our tree up. I should say trees, there are too many ornaments for one tree, so we end up with one large tree and two or three small trees which spreads the spirit throughout the house.   

This is a lot different than the decorating that I remember from my childhood.  Occasionally we had a live tree but when I am visited by Ghosts of Christmas Past there is one tree that stands out and it was an aluminum tree.  It was not an artificial tree that was supposed to look like a real tree, it was a silver tree that was supposed to be futuristic, I guess in those early days of the space age we were dreaming of living like The Jetsons.

Aluminum trees began to show up in the 1950s and quickly caught on but, thankfully, just as quickly fell out of favor by the end of the 1960s.  The aluminum Christmas tree even made an appearance in the holiday classic A Charlie Brown Christmas where Charlie Brown used it to symbolize the commercialization of Christmas.

The most enjoyable part of putting up the aluminum tree was pulling the branches out of the paper sleeves that they were stored in (I guess these kept the branches “fresh” while in storage). Branches were inserted into drilled holes in the base and voilà!  –  you had a tree that looked anything but real.  Add some colored ball-shaped ornaments and the job was finished.  No need for tinsel, that would just be redundant.  For fire safety reasons, lights were eschewed, they might cause a short.  But there was an accessory that could be added: a spot light with a rotating three color wheel!  An even more dramatic effect could be added by having a rotating tree stand.  I guess I came from a deprived childhood because we did not have the rotating stand or the rotating color wheel, But it was festive to me and it meant Christmas was coming soon.

Somehow, I managed to survive and have many joyous memories of childhood Christmases.  I enjoy the Christmas season, I enjoy our tree and its ornaments; however, I am fine with a tree that looks like a tree and I do not long to ever have another aluminum Christmas tree.

 

© 2019 LeonardsLines.com

Friday Funny November 29, 2019 Black Friday Shopping Jokes

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Happy Friday!  I hope you had a nice Thanksgiving and now the holiday season is in full swing.  If you are heading out to do some shopping this Black Friday keep your wits and your sense of humor.  Here are a few jokes to help you do that.

Enjoy!

I read a story about a dangerous new strain of bacteria that was been found BEFORE Thanksgiving at a local supermarket in packs of soft butter.  It seems that it spreads easily.

I ordered some German food over the internet for Thanksgiving; the sauerkraut arrived but the wurst is yet to come.

I was thinking about buying my wife a watch for Christmas.  I went to the store and asked for one with hands. The sales clerk asked “Analogue?” I said “no thanks, just a watch.”

I saw a great Black Friday deal on a digital camera.  As I weighed the good and bad, I could only see the positive points. There just aren’t any negatives.

I was considering going to a pet shop on Black Friday to purchase a rare spider but then it occurred to me that it would be easier to just pick one up on the web.

I saw a great Black Friday deal on some nifty new electric garden trimmers; it is some real cutting-hedge technology.

I noticed a Black Friday deal at the comic book store on Supergirl, Batgirl and Wonder Woman but I think he might just be a heroine dealer.

I was going to buy some sausages online; but the links were broken.

I bought my wife a calculator in the shape of a castle to give her for Christmas.  I am not sure if she will like it, but it’s the fort that counts.

I went to an auction on Black Friday.  It was pretty long and boring, I fell asleep and missed a lot.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

‘VENI, VEDI, VISA’: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.

Friday Funny November 22, 2019

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Happy Friday!  This time next week you might be up to your tonsils in Thanksgiving leftovers.  But right now I want to wet your appetite with some Thanksgiving jokes.

Enjoy!

Did you hear about the turkey that was arrested?  Fowl play was suspected.

Thanksgiving is the day that I start my yearly training to get in shape … to play Santa Claus.

Did you hear about the turkey that was doing computer research using google, google? 

Last year I was late getting home after Thanksgiving, a policeman pulled me over for  exceeding the feed limit. 

Did you hear about the mother turkey who was so disappointed in her kids that she told them, “If your father could see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!”

Is it true that you should not take a turkey to church because they use fowl language? 

If a Pilgrim bites into a bad piece of corn does he make a pilgrimace?

What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?  Ask a friend to toss one to you.

I think I have an addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers, this year I am going to quit cold turkey.

Would you call someone who really, really, really likes Thanksgiving turkey a  tryptophanatic?

 THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

There’s always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving.  Even if it’s just not being a turkey. 

 

 

 

Ornament Downsizing

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Thanksgiving is a little more than a week away and while some stations have already changed over to non-stop holiday music, it is still too early, in my humble opinion, to put up a Christmas Tree.  I am pretty certain that somewhere in the Mayflower Compact it prohibits anyone from putting up a Christmas Tree before Thanksgiving Day.

However, it is not too early to begin thinking about Christmas decorations: where the tree will go, how to decorate the house and so forth.  We do not have a nicely coordinated, neat and tidy Christmas Tree and that is the way I like it.  Our tree tells a story.  The ornaments are an eclectic collection that narrates a tale that began more almost four decades ago.  Many of the ornaments bring back specific memories over the years.  While they do not have much monetary value, they do have a lot of sentimental value.  

As might be expected, at some point the number of ornaments exceeds the number of spots to hang them on the tree branches.  We have reached that inevitable point in life where it is time to downsize the number of ornaments.  (Well it is time to downsize a lot of things, but we will start with Christmas ornaments.)  What better way in this digital age to reduce the number of ornaments than to sell a few on eBay? As I went through the process of listing several I was surprised to see the dates.  A few were from a few years ago while others were dated 1996, 1993, 1992.  I begin to think about the changes that occurred over that time, how my boys have grown and how I have changed.  But these ornaments are not ones that have “special” memories and I suppose I can make it through this Christmas without an ornament of Dilbert in a cup of coffee. 

However if the thought if Dilbert in a cup of coffee makes you think of Christmas, you can have it if you are the highest bidder.  

Friday Funny November 15, 2019 Quick Jokes to Kick Off Your Day

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Happy Friday!  It is mid-November and Thanksgiving is less than two weeks away, have a laugh before you start defrosting that turkey!

Enjoy!

Is it true that claustrophobic people are more productive when thinking out of the box?

I saw that the current World tongue-twister champion was arrested. I think they are hoping to give him a tough sentence.

Forget electric cars!  I have this great idea for a car that doesn’t have wheels.  I have been working on it tirelessly.

Everyone encourages you to always go the extra mile at work unless you are a taxi driver.

I once had a job as a stage designer, I wasn’t very happy when they fired me but I left without making a scene.

I used to work at a fire hydrant factory.  The biggest problem was you couldn’t park anywhere near the place.

I just got a job as the Chief Information Executive at Old McDonald’s Farm. I’m the new CIEIO.

I once had a job as a mind reader but I was not any good at it, in fact I was telepathetic.

I have seen people who are underwhelmed and I have seen people who are overwhelmed; however, I do not recall ever seeing anyone whelmed properly.

If a kitchen remodeler is not working efficiently is he being counter productive?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

Dull November brings the blast,
Then the leaves are whirling fast.
~Sara Coleridge, “The Months,” Pretty Lessons In Verse, For Good Children; With Some Lessons in Latin, In Easy Rhyme, 1834

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Recalling the Wonder of Snow

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It is not quite mid-November yet and here in Southwestern Ohio we have had out first measurable snow of the season.  I realize that I do not live in Alaska or Minnesota or Buffalo or Chicago where snow is on the ground and will stay on the ground for months.  However, the 3.2 inches recorded at the Cincinnati-Northern Kentucky Airport is a new record here for this date.   So, of course, people are in a panic.  Many have run to the grocery to buy milk, bread and eggs certain that they will not be able to get outside of the house for several weeks (apparently there is an undeniable urge to eat french toast when in snows). 

I understand that accumulating snow does complicate things, that we should drive a bit slower and walk more carefully.  I realize that cold is a real hazard to one’s well-being.  Yet, I would encourage you, for at least a moment, to reflect back to when you were a child.  Remember how excited you were when it snowed?  To look out the window at night and see the snow falling gently and slowly transforming the brown, lifeless ground into a winter wonderland.  To get up in the morning and see a bright and glistening world just beckoning you to come out and play.  

if you were really lucky there was enough snow so that school was canceled which meant the entire day lay ahead for sledding, for snow ball fights, for building snow forts, for making snow angels, for building snowmen.  The activities and the fun were only limited by the imagination.  Then when you got so cold you couldn’t stand it anymore you would come in for hot chocolate, hot soup and grilled cheese sandwiches.  Then once warmed up, head back out again.

Many people hate shoveling the driveway.  To be honest, I do not mind (OK, to an extent I do not mind, there can be too much of a good thing).  These days I do not have the time or the energy to play in the snow, so I as I shovel the drive I look at the beauty of the snow and remember when snow, instead of something that was dreaded, was something that was looked forward to with much anticipation.

Friday Funny November 8, 2019 Doctor One-Liners

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Happy Friday! As the days get shorter and colder cold and flu season starts to creep in.  If laughter is the best medicine, then here is a little dose of prevention.

Enjoy!

I went to see my doctor.  The doctor said, “I’ve not seen you for a while.” I replied, “Well, recently I have been ill.”

I told my doctor that I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.  He told me that I should take the candles off first.

My doctor told me that I needed to stop using a Q-tip; however, his advice just went in one ear and out the other.

My Doctor said I needed a knee replacement\.  I asked if I could have a second opinion. She said, “Sure, you’re ugly too.”

My therapist told me I have problems letting go of the past. She told me that three years ago.

I can accept that I have an inferiority complex I just wish that I had a better one.

My doctor told me that I have the body of a twenty-year-old, then he suggested that I return it before I get it completely stretched out of shape.

I was thinking about having some plastic surgery until I noticed the doctor’s office was decorated with lithographs of paintings by Picasso.

I have found that an apple a day really does keep the doctor away, if your aim is good.

I went to the doctor and told him that I had swallowed a spoon.  She said, “sit down and don’t stir.”

I went to the doctor and told him I felt run down. He asked me why, so I showed him the tire marks on my legs.

I told the doctor that my hair has been falling out and asked him if he had anything to keep it in.  He gave me a paper bag.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. ~Voltaire

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Elementary School Milkmen of the Week

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I have mostly fond memories of elementary school (the biggest exception being the seventh and eight grade years that were addressed in an earlier post).  I attended the same school, Shiloh Elementary School in Dayton, Ohio from kindergarten through eighth grade.  Regardless of the weather, I did indeed have to walk to school everyday.  I did live directly behind the school but still I did have to walk.

Shiloh did not have a cafeteria.  In the last few years I attended they would roll out lunch tables into the gymnasium and bring in some food that was prepared elsewhere, but for most of the years I was there most of the children would bring a sack lunch with them.  Most days I would have to trek all the way back home, across the street, for my lunch.

However, there was one aspect of this setup that was pretty exciting.  Each week there were two kids from each class that were appointed to serve as milkmen and next to being appointed as captain of the kickball team, this was one of the most anticipated opportunities of the school year.  The job of the milkman was to 1) collect money from everyone who wanted a drink with his or her lunch which was everyone who had brought his or her lunch that day; 2) keep track of how many of each item was needed; 3) the best part – leave class several minutes before lunch to go down to the vending machines and put the nickles and dimes into the machines to obtain the drinks and 4) return to the class with the right drinks to be consumed with lunch.

If I recall correctly a carton of regular or chocolate milk was a nickel.  But milk was not the only option, for a dime you had your choice of 7-up, Orange Crush or Frostie Root Beer.  I guess we did not worry about too much sugar in those days.  Maybe the sugar helped us stay awake through the afternoon.  

Being Milkman for a week may not seem like a big deal, but for a six, seven or eight year-old it was a big deal.  For a week you were important to everyone in your class.  Plus it taught some real-life skills.  You had to be able to do simple math – you had to tally how many of each item to purchase, you had to be able to make change (apparently a completely lost art these days).  you had to be able to keep accurate and legible records (a couple of more lost arts).  You had to demonstrate common courtesy and basic customer service (more lost traits).  You had to be a good steward because your classmates had turned over their money and trusted that you would bring them the correct beverage in return. You had to communicate with everyone in the class regardless of whether or not you liked them or thought they had cooties. 

You know, now that I think about it that week may have been one of the more educational weeks of the school year.  It might be a good idea to consider bringing back the milkman of the week but we probably should leave out the soda pop options.