Happy Friday! In case you have not noticed, Valentine’s Day is Tuesday. Before you head out to the store, I thought I would offer you a few useful tips on what NOT to get that special gal in your life.
Enjoy!
Leonard
We have all heard, “It’s the thought that counts.” Yet, while that may be true, there certainly are limits on what will keep you in the good graces of your spouse around February 14. Heed my word to the wise and be sure to cross the following off your shopping list this weekend before it is too late.
Jumper cables – while these can come in quite handy, they will not jump start a romantic evening.
A coffee mug – another gift that, while it may be useful, just might get you roasted.
Pencil sharpener – even if she needs and wants a pencil sharpener, this is not the day for it. Hope you get my point.
A Roomba – give this for Valentine’s Day and she might set it to chase you around the house.
An oversized Teddy Bear – after the age of about six, a six-foot Teddy Bear is just kind of creepy.
A heart-shaped box of chocolates – the ultimate cliché gift. Life may be like a box of chocolates, but avoid the cheap heart-shaped box from the corner drug store.
A bouquet of salami – while a bouquet of flowers might be about as cliché as a box of chocolates, a bouquet of flowers is much better than a bouquet of salami, plus getting hit over the head with a bouquet of salmi hurts more than flowers.
Personalized socks with your picture on them- do you really want to see your face on her feet? Neither does she.
A hot sauce of the month subscription – it will only get you in hot water.
Novelty Toilet Paper – no, just no, nothing more needs to be said.
Thought for the Week
Anyone can catch your eye, but it takes someone special to catch your heart. ~Author Unknown
Happy Friday and Happy February! 2023 is already 8% over! I hope the year is off to a good start for you. Let’s kick off the weekend with some random jokes chosen especially for you.
Enjoy!
I heard that when rainbows are bad they get sent to Prism, but it is a light sentence.
Here is an easy way to tell the gender of an ant. Put it in a glass of water. If it sinks it’s a girl ant. If it floats it’s buoyant.
I was reading a story about a claustrophobic astronaut, apparently he just needed some space.
I like jokes about stationery, but rulers are where I draw the line.
If 70% of the earth is water, and virtually none of it is carbonated, could we say that the earth is, in fact, flat?
This morning I saw a person dragging a clam on a leash behind him and it occurred to me that it must be hard to walk with a pulled mussel.
As part of my New Year’s routine, I have started doing crunches twice a day. Captain in the morning. Nestle in the afternoon.
Did you know that you can hear the blood in your veins? You just have to listen varicosely.
Did you hear the one about the donut that went to the Dentist? It needed a filling.
Would you call a dog that has been run over by a steamroller, Spot?
I have been a bookkeeper for 10 years. The library is not very happy about it.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds.” ~Francis Bacon (1561–1626)
Happy Friday! We have already come to the last Friday in January! They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, so how about a side order of breakfast jokes to kick off the weekend?
Enjoy!
Is it true that for breakfast iPhones eat Siri-al?
Is it true that for breakfast thesauruses eat synonym buns?
Is it true that for breakfast cats eat mice krispies?
Is it true that for breakfast dogs eat woofles?
Is it true that for breakfast Spies eat their waffles syruptitiously?
Is it true that for breakfast electricians eat Ohm-eletes?
Is it true that for breakfast comedian’s eat pun-cakes?
I hate it when I run out of bread for breakfast, you could say that I am lack-toast intolerant.
This morning I had the strangest breakfast, it was surreal.
I once went to a haunted bed and breakfast in France, man that place really gave me the crêpes.
Most mornings I really do not care what I have for breakfast, you might even say I ameggnostic.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
‘I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast any time” so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.’~ Steven Wright
Recently my wife purchased an Amazon Alexia device. It can turn on lights, act as a timer, answer a myriad of questions and it can tell jokes! You be the judge of whether or not it can tell good jokes.
Enjoy!
I asked a lone wolf for a stick of gum, but she didn’t have a pack.
What do you call a pretty pig?
Hamsome.
What do you call a hen who counts her eggs?
A mathemachicken.
What did the Terminator say when he drank his last drop of coffee?
Hasta Barista Baby.
How does James Bond like to sleep?
Under covers.
What do you call an X-wing pilot who does too many barrel rolls?
Puke Skywalker.
Why did the chief chase the chickens oat of the restaurant?
Too many clucks in the kitchen.
Why was the chiropractor so busy?
He had back-to-back meetings.
Where does a rhombus post its selfies?
On a parallelogram
Did you read the reviews about the new blender?
It got mixed results.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“People will come to love their oppression, to adore the technologies that undo their capacities to think.” ~ Aldous Huxley.
Happy Friday! I was reading the other day about how credit card balances went up a significant amount in December. So, I thought it would be a good time to share some credit & banking jokes.
Enjoy!
I heard that Luke Skywalker’s credit card of preference is a Jedi Mastercard.
Would you call a credit card riding a train from New York to Los Angeles an American Express?
I heard that if you have bad credit and need a loan that you should take a trigonomitrist with you to the Bank so that he can cosign.
Is it true that the bank owner bought some cows to beef up security?
Bankers, by nature are pretty antisocial, they really are a bunch of loaners.
I read a story about a cheetah who robbed a bank. He ran away so fast that he almost got away with it. Unfortunately, he was spotted.
Is it true that money is called dough because we all knead it?
My Dad used to tell me that I should work really hard until my bank balance would look like a phone number. Well after years and years I have done it, my balance is $9.11.
I don’t like to brag, but I am pretty good at managing my credit accounts. In fact the Bank keeps sending me letters to let me know that my balance is outstanding.
It has gotten cold again. The other morning I had to scrap the ice off of my windshield. I used my supermarket credit card and got 10% off.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one.” ~ George Gobel
Happy Friday! I hope that 2023 is off to a good start for you and that good things are ahead. It is that time of year when it seems like there is always someone in the family who is sick as germs just keep making their rounds during winter. So grab a tissue and a laugh.
Enjoy!
My wife gave me a “Get better soon” card. I am not sick; she just thinks I can be better.
Is it true that when a boat gets sick it goes to the dock?
Is it true that when a horse gets sick it goes to the horsepital?
Is it true that when fish get sick, they go to the sturgeon?
Is it true that when a snake is sick, it should take an anti-hiss-tamine?
Is your cat sick if she is not feline well?
If you get sick at the airport would that be called a terminal illness?
Is it true that most employees get sick on work days because of their weekend immune system?
If you are feeling sick over increasing gas prices at the pump would you have the car owner virus?
If you get sick in space, would you still say the you are under the weather?
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“I feel more like I do now than I did a little while ago” ~ Mr. Youngerman, my high school chemistry teacher
Happy Friday! Happy Hannukah! Merry Christmas! The forecast where I am has the weather turning quite frightful for the next day or so. But let me send warm wishes to you and yours this weekend!
Enjoy!
Leonard
“Remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.” ~ Dave Barry
“I bought my brother some gift wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.” ~ Steven Wright
“Santa Claus has the right idea — visit people only once a year.”~ Victor Borge
“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.” ~ Shirley Temple
“It’s Christmas Eve! It’s the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer, we smile a little easier, we cheer a little more. For a couple of hours out of the whole year, we are the people that we always hoped we would be.” ~ Bill Murray – Scrooged
“People really act weird at Christmas time! What other time of year do you sit in front of a dead tree in the living room and eat nuts and sweets out of your socks?” ~ Unknown
“Christmas is a time when you get homesick, even if you’re home.” ~ Carol Nelson
“I wish we could put some of our Christmas spirit in jars and open one up every month.” ~ Unknown
“He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree.” ~ Roy L. Smith
“A good holiday is one spent among people whose notions of time are vaguer than yours.” ~John B. Priestly
“Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.” ~ Dave Berry
“As we struggle with shopping lists and invitations, compounded by December’s bad weather, it is good to be reminded that there are people in our lives who are worth this aggravation, and people to whom we are worth the same.” ~ Donald E. Westlake
“Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.” ~Unknown
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
And the angel said to them, “Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. – Luke 2:10
Leonard's Lines 