Friday Funny October 21, 2016 Emails for the Trash Bin

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p5unit

Happy Friday! As another work week winds down, I was thinking about how many of us are drowning in the sea of information that surrounds us.  If you don’t feel overwhelmed by the constant onslaught of information we deal with these days, just try ignoring  your email inbox for a few days!  While email can provide us with a lot of useful and timely information, much of it is just plain old Spam. To help you sort through what to read and what to delete, below are some email subject lines that are just a bit stale and can probably be sent straight to the trash bin

Enjoy!

Latest Developments Concerning Y2K

Twenty-Five Reasons to Upgrade to a Touch Tone Phone

Investments Secrets of Bernie Madoff

Buying Beanie Babies for Fun and Profit

Fashion with Fanny Packs

Macarena Party!

Secrets for Solving Rubik’s Cube

Best Prices for a New Walkman!

Make Your Own Parachute Pants!

Learn to Sing Like Milli Vanilli

Learning CB Lingo in 3 Easy Lessons 10-4!

Finding Perfect Accessories for Your Leisure Suit

Twelve Reasons Why You Need a PDA (Personal Digital Assistant)

Thought for the Week

“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.” ~ Emo Philips

Differences Between Men and Women #37 Tissues

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TISSUE BOX

It has been awhile since I have touched on the innumerable differences between men and women.  So, let’s think for a moment about tissues.  Tissues appear to be a rather innocuous commodity.   To a man a tissue is what a tissue is – a piece of soft and very thin paper that is used especially for cleaning.  A tissue can be used for many things. A man might use a tissue to clean his glasses to blow his nose – if a handkerchief (much more manly than a tissue) is not available.  A man may or may not carry a handkerchief or tissues.  A woman may use a tissue to clean her glasses, to blow her nose, to dry a tear, to spit on and remove a smudge from a child’s face, the list goes on and on.

A man is more likely to carry a handkerchief than tissues.  A handkerchief has advantages over a tissue, it may be used more than once, it is easier to find and handle a single handkerchief than it is to disentangle a  single tissue from a wad of crumpled tissues.  It can even be laundered, on occasion and put to use even more times.  A man will use a handkerchief as long as 1) there is at least one spot on it that is not completely black and/or 2) there is at least one spot on it that is semi-dry.

A woman will use one tissue one time and therefore arises the necessity that there must be an abundant supply of tissues.  For a woman, tissues are a must have accessory and the more sources of tissues the better.  There should be a few in a pocket and a small packet in her purse.  

A man may or may not have some tissues in the vehicle he drives.  A woman will have some sort of container for tissues either on the floor of the vehicle or attached to at least one of the visors as well as a spare box in the glove compartment.  A mistake many men make is assuming that the cup holders in the car are for cups.  No, at least one cup holder in the front and one in the back, if available, are for the storage of tissues.

I am not sure what has caused this deep-seated and pervasive fear in women that they may run out of tissues.  However, it has been observed that this condition only increases with age.  Just try this simple experiment, upon approaching any elderly lady greet her and ask her if she has a tissue you may have.  The odds are  greatly in your favor that she will have one and she will offer it to you.  Hopefully it will be one that does not already have a red lipstick stain on it.

You may find this amusing, but this difference is nothing to sneeze at.

Friday Funny October 14, 2016 Take My Jokes, Please!

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beautiful-pic-of-wedding-ring-with-high-resolution-gold-wedding-rings-free-stock-photo

Happy Friday!  This is an exciting week for me as one of my son’s is getting married this weekend.  So, of course, I had to offer up a little matrimonially related humor.

Enjoy!

There are two times a man does not understand a woman, before marriage and after marriage.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

Did you hear about the two bed bugs that fell in love? They got married in the spring.

Did you hear about the two antennae that got married? T ceremony was not that great, but the reception was terrific.

What do you call two spiders that just got married? Newly-webs.

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. (Henny Youngman) 

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it. (Ann Bancroft)

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half-shut afterwards. (Benjamin Franklin)

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. (Milton Berle)

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns)

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner. (Red Skelton)

If you think your marriage is perfect, you’re probably still at your reception. (Martha Bolton)

Thought for the Week

“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” ~ Rita Rudner

Fall and Pumpkin Spice is in the Air

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pumpkin

The days are getting shorter and cooler, the leaves are stating to change colors. the calendar says October.  That means it is time for pumpkin and pumpkin spice to make its annual appearance which brings only one question to my mind: why? 

I really do not get all the fuss with pumpkin and pumpkin spice.  First of all there is only one way to eat pumpkin pie and that is with Cool Whip, lots and lots of Cool Whip.  I believe science has determined that the optimal ratio is one part pumpkin pie to twelve parts Cool Whip.  In fact 93.7% of adults find pumpkin pie tolerable if served in this ratio.

I have never been much of a fan of pumpkin pie.  (Take my word, pecan pie is the way to go in the fall!)  Perhaps that orangy-brown paste that comes out of the can brings up some repressed memories of baby food that I did not care for but might have been force-fed as an infant along with a variety of other “strained” vegetables.  I imagine most of the “strain” involved getting me to eat them.  And what exactly is in that can of pumpkin anyway?  The USDA defines canned pumpkin as: “The canned product prepared from clean, sound, properly matured, golden fleshed, firm shelled, sweet varieties of either pumpkins and squashes by washing, stemming, cutting, steaming and reducing to a pulp. ”  The fact is that you cannot even be sure that your pumpkin pie is, in fact, pumpkin pie.  “Gee that Thanksgiving dinner was great now let’s have a piece of that pie that may or may not have some pumpkin in it.”

Yet as little as I am a fan of pumpkin pie, I am even less of a fan of pumpkin spice.  There has been an absolute proliferation of pumpkin spice products in recent years.  Now you can get pumpkin spice cereals, pumpkin spice cookies, pumpkin spice yogurt, pumpkin spice popped corn, pumpkin spice English muffins, pumpkin spiced lattes, even pumpkin spice latte Peeps.  Pumpkin spice latte Peeps!!  (Peeps by the way should only be harvested in the spring, eating Peeps in the fall is leading to a rapid decline in the number of Peeps in the wild and may put Peeps on the endangered list in the very near future.)   

Can’t we just please stop the madness?!!  This is not even pumpkin flavor, this is pumpkin spice – the stuff you put on the above mentioned pumpkin or not pumpkin puree when you make a pie so that, given the proper ratio of pumpkin pie and Cool Whip it can be tolerated by 97.3% of the population.  

What in the world, you might ask is pumpkin spice?  It is a combination of cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger and cloves.  So what is it about fall that makes one want to put cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger and cloves on everything imaginable including Peeps? And if many of you are so drawn to this spice combination, why don’t you crave it all year round?  I think I have the answer, it is a marketing ploy – all this pumpkin spice stuff is “only available for a limited time” which convinces you that you must have it, so you go out and spend your hard-earned money, not because you like it but because it is “only available for a limited time.”  How many of you once you have that pumpkin spice latte or Peep in hand think to yourself, “You know I really don’t even like this, but it is only available for a limited time and by golly am I lucky it was still available?”

I know many of you are thinking that I am just delusional and that you really do like your pumpkin spice cereal.  You have your feelings about pumpkin and pumpkin spice and I have mine and we will just have to agree to disagree.  To take and slightly adjust a line from Linus in The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown: “There are three things that I’ve learned never to discuss with people: religion, politics, and the Pumpkin spice.”

Friday Funny October 7, 2016 Time Keeps Slippin’ Into the Future

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time-machine-taylor

Happy Friday!  Another week has gone by quickly, it seems like all weeks go by quickly. Then those weeks turn into years and the years turn into decades and before you realize it a lot of sand has flowed through that hourglass we call time.  Like Aerosmith sang

“Every time when I look in the mirror
All these lines on my face getting clearer
The past is gone
It went by, like dusk to dawn”

This week I was thinking about many things that have come and gone during my lifetime.  As you look through the list a few may bring a smile to your face and a few may make you cringe.  I am sure you could add many more to the list.  If none of these mean anything to you, then you are just a young whippersnapper!

Enjoy!

Columbia Hose (12 Albums or a penny)

A record on the back of a cereal box

Buying a CD player for its anti-skip technology.

Running out of hours on your AOL account.

“Be kind and rewind.”

Floppy disks  (3.5 and/or 5/25)

Getting your film developed

Dial-up Internet

Fax machines

The encyclopedia

Jarts

Saturday Morning Cartoons

Physical Mail

Card Catalog

Clothesline

Glass milk jugs (delivered to your house)

Sea-monkeys

Tang and Space Food Sticks

Creepy Crawlers

Sun Tan Lotion

Pagers

Personal Digital Assistants (PDAs)

Paper Maps

CB Radios

Slide Projectors

Punch Cards

Walkie Talkies

Ditto Machines

Carbon Paper

White Out

transistor Radios

VCR’s

Thought for he Week

“The future has a way of arriving unannounced.” ~ George Will
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TV’s Newest Smash Hit or Not

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tv-clipart-kijdar4iq

Fall brings many things: shorter days, cooler nights, colorful leaves, and a new television season.  Some of the new shows have been on for a week or two now and are already being proclaimed as “TV’s newest smash hit!”  Call me a skeptic, but really??? How do they know after one or two weeks that a show is a hit?  How do they even define “a hit”??How do they know after one or two weeks if a show will even survive to live for a second season?

The TV Guide schedule is littered with shows that were “destined” to be the next big hit like Flash Forward, The Event, Bosom Buddies, BJ and the Bear, Supertrain, Cavemen, and Listen Up.  Yes those were all television shows and the I bet some of them you have never heard of.

There are few shows that really do stand the test of time and continue to be watched year after year and these are shows that I bet you have watched:  The Andy Griffith Show, The Dick Van Dyke Show, I Love Lucy are among those that actually were destined to be great TV shows.

Please continue to read my blog because, as you know, it is the greatest new blog of the season!!

Friday Funny September 30, 2016 Another Baker’s Dozen of Puns

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lgs

Happy Friday!  Can you believe that this week brings us to the end of the third quarter of 2016? As we kick off this weekend, here is a another baker’s dozen of puns for you to ponder.

Enjoy!

My math teacher called me average. How mean!

I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I am uncertain of your reaction.

I thought about trying to annoy you with bird puns, but I realized that toucan play at that game.

Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey. (Sorry, I usually hate insects puns, they really bug me.)

The other day I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought to myself now this is the last thing I need.

I am the ghost of Christmas Future Perfect Subjunctive: I will show you what would have happened were you not to have changed your ways!

Herb gardeners who work extra get thyme and a half

Last night, I kept dreaming that I had written Lord of the Rings. When I woke up, my wife said that I’d been Tolkien in my sleep

I was in the grocery the other day and this guy just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!

Awhile back I heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.

So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means!? It’s not like it is the end of the world!

I once knew a woman who owned a taser, man was she stunning!

I knew a guy who collected candy canes, they were all in mint condition.

Thought for the Week

“Of puns it has been said that those who most dislike them are those who are least able to utter them.” ~ Edgar Allan Poe

Send in the Clowns

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clown

Have you seen the stories that are popping up about the strange, unusual and even creepy appearances of people dressed like clowns and acting suspiciously?  But then don’t all clowns act a bit suspiciously? 

It started in Greenville, South Carolina, where some children reported clowns trying to lure them into the woods with money.  Since then it has spread faster than kudzu across the South  to Alabama, Georgia, North Carolina and has headed North to Maryland and Pennsylvania where there have been more reports of creepy clown encounters.

According to an AP Report Tricia Manuel aka Pricilla Mooseburger,a real clown who runs a training camp for real clowns wants us to be clear about who the real clowns in this story are.  “When people report these things it should be ‘someone dressed like a clown,’ because a real clown would never dress or do anything to scare anyone,” she said.  These reports have been hurting her business and she does not find that funny at all noting that some of  her clients are now afraid to go out and perform.  It does not take a degree in economics to figure out that if this continues to spread the bottom could fall out of the market for red noses and extra, extra, extra long shoes.

Some of the reported sightings have already been identified as hoaxes including a man in his twenties in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, who has been charged with falsely reporting that a clown knocked on his window.  I can just imagine the next time this guy thinks he has found a job, the prospective employer does a background check and the head of HR walks into the CEO’s office and says, “I hate to be the one to tell you this L.C., but that new CFO you want to hire was convicted a few years ago of falsely reporting that a clown knocked on his window.”

The Pennsylvania State Police are investigating recent unspecified clown sightings in the towns of Huntingdon and Ebensburg, where a woman reported that a clown had peeped through her window. Trooper Adam Reed said citizens should “not confront the individual but rather gather information and report it to your local police.”  Police have released a description of the suspect: he had a chalk-white face with a bright red smile, a big red nose and crazy green hair.  He was seen fleeing the scene in a small red car that appeared to have at least a dozen other people in it.

Some  have noted that the public’s perception of clowns has been going downhill since Stephen King’s 1986 novel about a child-killing clown, “It.” But the latest incidents appear to take the cake right in the face.

Don’t let my glad expression give you the wrong impression.  Really I’m sad, oh I’m sadder than sad.  Sorry, but there is just something about this whole thing that sounds a little funny to me.

Friday Funny September 23, 2016 I Choose to Laugh

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Happy Friday!  Summer is officially over, fall is here and next week brings us the first presidential debate.  This week I offer you some nonpartisan humor to help us make through the next couple of months.

Enjoy!

When the President pushes the big red button, Chuck Norris’s cell phone rings.

If Chuck Norris were president, he would protect the secret service.

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. “Give me your money,” he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, “You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!” “In that case,” replied the robber, “Give me MY money!”

—————————————————————————————————————————————–

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from New York, another is from Kentucky, and the third is from Ohio. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Ohio contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.” The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.” The New York contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.” The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?” The New York contractor whispers back, “$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Kentucky to fix the fence.” “Done!” replies the government official.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

A minster walks into a Washington, D.C., barbershop, got his hair cut and asked how much he owed. “No charge, Reverend,” the barber said. “I consider it a service to the Lord.” when the barber arrived at his shop the next morning, he found a Bible on the stoop along with a thank you note.

A few days later a police officer came in got his hair cut and asked how much he owed.  “No charge, officer,” the barber answered. “I consider it a service to my community.” The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts on the stoop along with a thank you note from the police officer.

A few days after that, a Senator walked in for a haircut. “How much do I owe you?” he asked afterward. “No charge,” the barber replied. “I consider it a service to my country.” The next morning when he arrived at the shop, the barber found a dozen Senators waiting on the stoop.

Thought for the Week

We have plenty of Confidence in this country, but we are a little short of good men to place our Confidence in. ~Will Rogers

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny September 16, 2016 Jokes You Can Bank On

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bank

Happy Friday!  I started a job as a bank teller in September 1990 and I have been working for or hanging around banks ever since.  Here are a few banking jokes that I hope interest you this week.

Enjoy!

Q: How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to hold the bulb, and three to try to remember the combination.

Open For Business

Did you hear the one about the bank where the employees went on strike, leaving the bank officers to do the teller’s tasks?

While the strike was on, a customer called the bank to ask if they were open. They told her that they had two windows open.

Then the caller asked, “Can’t I just come through the front door?”

Banking Crisis Looming in Japan
According to the latest reports, a major banking crisis is immanent in Japan. 

The crisis began last week following news that Origami Bank had folded.  Now we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank is planning to cut back some of its branches. 

Rumor has it that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and could be had for a song. 

During trading today shares in Kamikaze Bank nose-dived. Latest reports say that 500 back-office staff are on the chopping block at Karate Bank. 

Further analysts have reported that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank –staff fear they may be in for a raw deal. 

Thought for the Week

“A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.”  ~ attributed to Mark Twain and Robert Frost