Friday Funny April 10, 2015 Get Ready to Heckle!

2 Replies

Image008

Happy Friday!  Another baseball season is underway.  Few things are more enjoyable than a trip to the old ball yard to take in a game and to help get you in mid-season form for your next game, here are some lines that you can throw at the pitchers and hitters.

Enjoy!

FOR PITCHERS
 I’ve seen better arms on the Venus de Milo!                                                                                    I’ve seen better arms on a beanbag chair!                                                                                          I’ve seen better pitchers in Kool-Aid Commercials.                                                                        I’ve seen more heat in an EZ-bake oven!                                                                                          I’ve seen more heat in a toaster!                                                                                                      You couldn’t save a Word file!                                                                                                            You couldn’t save anything at Wal-Mart!                                                                                          You couldn’t hold your dogs lead!                                                                                                      I’ve seen better curves on a square!                                                                                                      I’ve seen better sliders at White Castle!                                                                                              I’ve seen better windups on a toy!                                                                                                  How about a donation for this walk-a-thon!                                                                                  You couldn’t find a plate in a kitchen!                                                                                                    Click your heels 3 times and repeat after me…..there’s no place like home, there’s no  place like home, there’s no place like home!

FOR HITTERS
 You’ve got fewer hits than an Amish website!
 You’ve had fewer hits than Vanilla Ice!
 You couldn’t drive home Miss Daisy!                                                                                                This guy hasn’t driven anybody home since the junior prom!                                                   You couldn’t hit water if you fell out of a boat!                                                                                   Hey, my cholesterol level is higher than your batting average!                                              Hey, Mendoza called. He wants his line back!                                                                             Your hostess will seat you! (following a strikeout)                                                                     I’ve seen better cuts at a deli!                                                                                                               I’ve seen better cuts on a BeeGees album!                                                                                            This guy couldn’t hit a shift key!                                                                                                          I’ve seen better swings in a park!                                                                                                      I’ve seen better swings on a porch!                                                                                                  You couldn’t hit the floor if you fell out of bed!                                                                              You couldn’t knock the skin off of rice pudding!

Thought for the Week

“Correct thinkers think that ‘baseball trivia’ is an oxymoron: nothing about baseball is trivial.” ~ George Will

Prom: Yet Another Sign We Have Lost Our Minds

5 Replies

u11871647

I am getting to that point in life where I am old enough and getting cynical enough that few things surprise me anymore.  But once in a while something comes along that just makes me shake my head and once again ask, “when did we collectively lose our minds?”

This time it was a story about how much is being spent on prom. The amount I heard quoted in a number of reports was that the average overall spending per family related to prom this year will be $919!  Quickly followed with the happy footnote that this is actually down $59 from 2014.  My first thought was are they crazy!?  My second thought was that I am thankful my children are all past that age.  Then before I could catch my breath, I heard that the average cost of ASKING someone to go to prom, the “prom-posal,” is $324 with the added note that these elaborate invitations have become expected. 

I know this may be difficult to believe, but once upon a time, I went to the prom.  I followed the admonition of a couple of my friends who told me that “everybody goes to their senior prom.” As it turned out said friends DID NOT go the senior prom while I did. And yes I actually managed to find someone who agreed to go with me and while it did take a little convincing, it did not require a prom-posal or begging (at least I do not remember begging). 

I do not recall how much I spent, but I can guarantee it was no-where close to the inflation adjusted equivalent of $900.  Advance preparation involved renting a tuxedo at the Salem Mall and buying a corsage at a florist shop on North Main Street. Transportation was not a limo rental, but my Dad’s Plymouth Satellite Sebring.  The pre-prom dinner was at Neil’s Heritage House, a nice place but not all that “fancy.”  Then there was the prom with the theme of “Colour My World” (A song by Chicago) and the after-prom party.  I would be surprised if I spent a $100 total.  

It seems like more and more these days “someone” has decided that everything that is done has to be done to excess and has to cost an arm and a leg.  The stories I have heard this week mentioned that there are families that spend 5% of the family’s annual income on prom.  (I apologize, but “silly”, “foolish”, and “stupid” are the words that come to my mind for using 2-3 weeks of family income for a kid to go to prom.)  When I went to my prom I had a great time and have fond memories of that night and my parents did not have to take out a loan for me to do it.

A prom, like many things, should be remembered by who you spent it with not how much you spent on it.

Friday Funny April 3, 2015 Hoppy Easter!

2 Replies

easter-bunny1

Happy Good Friday!  The memories of a harsh winter are starting to fade and the hope of spring is beginning to bloom.

Enjoy!

Q: How do bunnies stay healthy?
A: Eggercise

Q:  Do you know how bunnies stay in shape?                                                                                   A:  Hareobics. 

Q: What did the eggs do when the light turned green?
A:  They egg-cellerated. 

Q: How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been?                                                                A:  Eggs marks the spot.

Q:  What did the bunny want to do when it grew up?                                                                     A:  Join the hare force.

 Q:  What do the call an Easter Bunny on a farm?                                                                            A:  Dinner (or supper as the case may be). 

A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a rabbit sitting next to him. “Are you a rabbit?” asked the man, surprised. “Yes.” “What are you doing at the movies?” The rabbit replied, “Well, I liked the book.”

An infant rabbit was orphaned. Fortunately though, a family of squirrels took it in and raised it as if it were one of their own. This led to some strange behaviors on the part of the rabbit, including a tendency for it to avoid jumping, but instead to run around like the other squirrels. One day the rabbit was really feeling sad, so it went to its step-parents to discuss the problem. After explaining to them how it felt different from its step-siblings, they gave him a big hug and said, “Don’t scurry, be hoppy.”

Read the following slowly and out loud
C D E D B D bunnies?
M R not E D B D bunnies!
O S A R! C D E D B D fluffy cottontails?
L I B! M R 2 E D B D bunnies!

Thought for the Week                                                                                                                            “The great gift of Easter is hope – Christian hope which makes us have that confidence in God, in his ultimate triumph, and in his goodness and love, which nothing can shake.” ~Basil Hume

http://www.brainyquote.com

A Sure Sign that Society is in Decay

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tooth brush

Perhaps this is just the latest sign that we live in a society in decay.  I saw a story a week or so ago about a mother and son in Florida who were arrested for stealing more than $100,000 worth of toothbrushes throughout Central Florida.  Apparently they would steal electronic toothbrushes worth more than $100 each and visit other stores to buy replacement heads. They would then alter receipts to make it appear they had also bought the toothbrushes and then return the toothbrushes for the purchase price. These two had this process down and knew the drill.  They tried to explain their actions, but their story was full of holes.  The story stated that these folks were not yet represented by legal counsel, I guess they could not afford a retainer.  I also believe that the arresting officer is in line for a little plaque.

At first I thought this sounded like a novel avenue of theft, but brace yourself, because after I drilled down a little more, I discovered that there is an apparent epidemic of toothbrush theft.  While the above mother and son team receive the crown for stealing the most toothbrushes, they have plenty of company.  There was a story of a Seattle area woman who was arrested in connection with the theft of three electric toothbrushes, an alleged serial toothbrush thief in the North Penn area, and a  Providence man who allegedly stole $1,300 worth of electronic toothbrushes.  We can only hope that the criminal justice system will implant a better sense of right and wrong on these folks and that they will learn from their brush with the law.

I guess these stories just hit a nerve with me.  I’ll fill you in when I hear more.

Friday Punny March 27, 2015

2 Replies

lgs

 

Happy Friday!  Hoping that things are starting to green up in your corner of the world. Here is a baker’s dozen of puns to kick off your weekend.

Enjoy!

I couldn’t understand how my seat belt worked. Then it clicked.

Never trust atoms, they make up everything.

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory.  All I did was take a day off.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera.

How does Moses make his coffee?  He-brews it.

Why does Peter Pan always fly? Because he Neverlands.

Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

If Apple made a car, would it have Windows?

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he was told he had to upgrade to Windows 7? “I still love Vista, baby.”

A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy.

A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation.

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out.

Thought for the Week

“A pun is the lowest form of humor – when you don’t think of it first.” ~ Oscar Levant

Friday Funny March 20, 2015 March Madness

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basketball-20clipart-KcnLK4Mcq

Happy Friday and Happy March Madness! Here a few basketball jokes to help you get your game on.

Enjoy!

Q: How many NCAA basketball players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. But he gets money, a car, and three credit hours for it.

Q: Why are basketball players messy eaters?
A: They’re always dribbling.

Q: Why was the basketball player sitting on the sideline sketching a picture of a chicken?                                                                                                                                                         A: He was learning to draw fowls.

Q. What is a cheerleader’s favorite color?                                                                                           A: Yeller!

Q:What do cheerleaders drink before they go to a basketball game?                                        A: Root beer!

“He’s great on the court,” a sportswriter said of a college basketball player in an interview with his coach. “But’s how’s his scholastic work?” “Why, he makes straight A’s,” replied the coach. “Wonderful!” said the sportswriter. “Yes,” agreed the coach, “however, his B’s are a little crooked.”

Hanging in the hallway of the college arena were the basketball team pictures from the past 40 years. A player in the center of the front row in each picture holds a basketball identifying the year — “95-96,” “96-97” “97-98,” etc. One day a freshman was looking curiously at the photos and remarked, “Isn’t it strange how the teams always lost by just one point?”

Thought for the Week

“I’ve always felt that, you know, the Almighty has a lot of things to do other than help my basketball team.” ~ Bobby Knight
http://www.brainyquote.com

 

Straighten Up and Fly Right

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airplane9

I am a very infrequent flier.  In fact it has been a few years since I last boarded a plane.  Yet, today, I found myself looking to book a flight to Chicago in a couple of months.  I was quickly struck by the complete absence of logic in air fares.  I suppose I should have expected this because in the past I have saved money by taking a flight from Dayton, Ohio with a connection in Cincinnati because it was cheaper than just boarding in Cincinnati and I never quite understood that.

So, today I found that I could fly from Cincinnati to Chicago for $361 or from Dayton to Chicago for $355, not much difference in cost and the distance is about three hundred miles either way.  But here is where it gets weird.  I could save over fifty dollars if I took a flight that had a connection……in Atlanta!  So, I can travel approximately five hundred miles from Dayton to Atlanta and then seven hundred miles from Atlanta to Chicago and it is cheaper?  I am trying to figure  out how the airline makes money by charging less for me to fly four times the miles.

I wonder if I could reduce the cost even further by flying from Dayton to Los Angeles and then to Chicago or maybe to Honolulu first?  Perhaps if I go to Chicago by way of Sydney, Australia they will have to pay me!  

Friday Funny March 13, 2015

1 Reply

lgs

Happy Friday!  I certainly hope you do not suffer from paraskevidekatriaphobia.  No, that is not the fear of parakeets; that is the fear of Friday the 13th.  Here are a couple of jokes to get your day off to a lucky start.

Enjoy!

IF IT WEREN’T FOR BAD LUCK…

A old sailor was out walking on the dock one day when he met a former ship mate of his. They had not seen each other for many years so they had much to talk about and many old memories to renew.

After some time, one said to the other, “if you don’t mind my saying so, you don’t look very good, you must have experienced some bad luck.”

“Yes,” the other one said, “I have. You see this peg leg? Well, one day I was out on deck and me leg got all tangled up in a loose line and it was so badly mangled that they had to take it off at the knee.”

His friend agreed that was bad luck. The other one continued, “You see I have a hook for a hand. One day I was out on deck when a shipmate of mine fell overboard. I leaned over as far as I could in an attempt to rescue him and as I extended my hand to him a shark took me hand off.”

“My you really did experience bad luck,” the other responded, “I see you have a patch over one eye, What happened to your eye?”

“Well, I was out on deck again one day and just as I looked up, a seagull that was flying over, unloaded, and got me right in the eye.”

“And that took your eye out?”

“No, that was me first day with the hook.”

BEEN THERE THROUGH THICK AND THIN

A woman’s husband had been in a very serious accident and had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she faithfully stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he finally regained consciousness, as he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all these years through the good times and the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?”

“What dear?” She asked gently.

“I think you bring me bad luck.”

Thought for the Week

Luck is the by-product of busting your fanny.  ~Don Sutton

http://www.quotegarden.com

You Always Remember Your First Car

1 Reply

05-07-2011 12;18;44PM

There are many great firsts in life. First steps, first words, first day of school, first job, first love, first kiss and, of course, first car.  I can recall anxiously waiting to turn sixteen so that I could get my license and drive.  Driving was more than a rite of passage, it was a ticket to a whole new world: a world of mobility and freedom.  I imagine that you can remember your first car, you can probably picture it in your mind right now – right down to the scratches and dents that gave it character.  Your first car might have been sporty and new or perhaps it was just an old clunker, either way it probably holds special memories and a special place in your life.

My first car was not new and it was definitely not sporty.  My first car was a 1968 Plymouth Fury III. It was a rather unique shade of red that some might call “candy-apple red” but that I always referred to as “dried-blood red.” It had a black vinyl roof, fender skits, and a Chrysler 318 V-8 engine. Yes, it was quite a boat. I often joked that I thought it could have been used as a camper –  possibly sleeping one in the front seat, one in the back seat, two in the truck and two under the hood, one on either side of the engine. I enhanced the technology of the vehicle when I bought an FM converter so I could listen to radio with “no static at all.” That car was neither sleek nor pretty, but it was quite dependable and it was my ticket to freedom. My Dad bought it used in 1976 when it had some sixty thousand miles on it.  I drove it to high school, I drove it to college, I drove it to Canada.  It helped move me to Texas and then to Alabama.  I drove that car for ten years and nearly doubled the miles on the odometer, but in the summer of 1986 it was time to part with it and move onto something newer.  I do, however, still have a Texas title as a memento.   Since then I have had several other cars, some new, some used. But that Fury was my first and will always hold a special place for me.