Author Archives: Leonard

A Hole In One – Not Good For Socks

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Every once in a while, I have a propensity to vent.  I will preface my vent with the acknowledgment that things I have a tendency to vent about “don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world” as Rick Blaine might say. Yet, sometimes they can get really get my goat (if I had a goat).  While golfers may dream of a hole on one, the only holes in one I came across are in my socks.  There are some socks that I have that I would actually be excited to get a hole in one in (yes, I do need to get out more). 

I would welcome a hole in one in those socks that I do not like and I have several pairs of socks that I do not like.  Yet, somehow those pairs of socks know that I do not like them and out of sheer spite, they absolutely refuse to wear out.  Out of spite, I make sure to wear these socks as often as possible to hasten their demise; but they steadfastly refuse to wear out.  For a some pairs this is a decades-long struggle with the eventual victor yet to be determined.

On the other hand, or perhaps I should say on the other foot, are socks that I like.  That pair of socks that just feels good from the moment you put them on until the moment that you take them off, that has a nice pattern, they match up with what you like to wear well – now those socks never seem to last very long.  Last week I put on my most recent favorite pair of socks to wear for the day and all was going well until that evening when I stretched out on the love seat to rest for just a few minutes and then I noticed my big toe protruding from the end of one sock.  I had been tricked again!

Why do socks that I like not last long? Is the quality?  Do I wear them much more than I realize?  I have developed a theory.  I mentioned above that the socks I do not like last out of spite, perhaps they also know which socks I like so at night, while I am sleeping those indestructible socks are hard at work in a jealous rage trying to weaken the fibers in the socks I do like?  Or maybe, just maybe the socks I do not like are like little vampire socks!  They suck the life out of the socks I like thereby prolonging their own lives.  Can you think of a more valid explanation for why some socks have such a short  life while others seem to never wear out?  I think I may be onto something, it is only a matter of time until there is a major motion picture about Count Sockula…..

© 2020 LeonardsLines.com

Friday Funny January 10,2020 Ten Things I Learned From Movies

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Happy Friday!  I hope 2020 is off to a good start for you.  Holiday time is always a bif time for movie releases which had me thinking about things that we can learn from movies.  Here are just a few.

Enjoy!

  • All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
  • The ventilation system of any building is the perfect way to escape. All ventilation ducts are just big enough for you to crawl through, they will support your weight and they will always provide a viable escape route.
  • The odds of surviving any battle or any hostage situation dramatically decrease the moment you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
  • A man will be able to withstand a fierce beating at the hands of someone three times his size with nary a whimper but will wince and cry out in pain once a woman tries to clean his wounds.
  • Cars that are involved in serious crashes will either 1) remain functional even if half the car has been torn away or 2) immediately burst into flames.
  • Anyone who falls down a flight of stairs will be stone cold dead before they reach the bottom.
  • When paying for a taxi, simply open your wallet, take out two bills throw them at the cabbie and say, “keep the change.” It will always be enough.
  • Any information needed no matter how sensitive, classified, private, or complex can be obtained using a computer within ten seconds using no more than a dozen keystrokes.
  • All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts. It will have one more wire that whoever is defusing it is used to seeing, plus the color of the wires will be different.  To correctly defuse the bomb you must wait until there are less than five seconds remaining and then guess which wire to snip.
  • The major crime you heard about this morning is somehow directly and personally related to the crisis you are facing in your life.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

Drama is life with the dull bits cut out.  ~Alfred Hitchcock

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Lifesavers Storybook Volume 2

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I know another Christmas Present has transitioned to another Christmas Past;; however, I still enjoying my gifts.  As a reflection of my expensive and redefined tastes, my wife  gave me a Life Savers Hard Candy Sweet Storybook.  A gift like this may not excite you but it always brings a smile to my face.  I fondly remember getting this as a kid and it reminds me of those days when life, for me, was much simpler.

As a “book” it is  not much.  I was surprised that the “story” changes from year to year.  I did a similar blog a few years ago and noted that the story was about how the five fruity flavors of Life Savers had powered the reindeer on their trip around the world and saved Christmas.  Perhaps that story did not play well to focus groups any longer or perhaps  Rudolph’s agent sent them a letter threatening to sue because everyone knows that Rudolph and his nose so bright were what saved the day for Santa, he has gone done in history you know.

This year’s story is about two “very good” children named Lily and Benny do their very best to be on Santa’s good list even going so far as sharing their Life Savers with family and friends.  Alas a crises falls upon our young heroes when they discover that all the Christmas decorations were lost in a pre-Christmas move.  So they take Life Savers to all their neighbors and share the sad story; the neighbors are so moved that they donate Christmas decorations thus allowing Lily and Benny to have a festively decorated tree waiting for Santa along with milk, cookies and, of course, Life Savors.  Thus Christmas is saved and they hear Santa’s “Ho! Ho! Ho!” on the roof.  I think the movie rights are being purchased buy Disney and will be in theaters in time for next Christmas.

I will again sound like a cantankerous old codger and state that the Sweet Storybook ain’t what is used to be.  Today’s storybook is one-sided with six rolls of five flavor Life Savers while the storybook of my childhood was two-sided with five rolls on each side.  Secondly, today’s storybook includes six five flavor rolls.  The storybook of my childhood had variety.  If I recall correctly, there were two rolls of five flavor, two rolls of wintergreen, two rolls of pep-o-mint, two rolls of cherry and two rolls of butter run.  As a kid, I think the order of consumption was probably pep-o-mint, wintergreen, cherry, butter rum and, lastly five flavor.  I would be happy to trade the “story” for a little variety in the flavors.

I was told never to complain about a gift and this is not a complaint.  I appreciate the gift and I will enjoy the Life Savers.  My teeth and my diet probably appreciate the fact that there are six instead of ten rolls.  Yet, I will say once more that this is one item that ain’t what it used to be.

© 2020 LeonardsLines.com

Friday Funny January 3, 2020 Vision Jokes

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Happy Friday and Happy New Year!  Here is hoping that this year is a good year for all.  Of course I could not let the beginning of 2020 occur without a few vision related jokes.

Enjoy!

I think my cell phone needs glasses; it has lost all its contacts.

Do optometrists like to listen to music using iTunes?

Do garbage men have bin-ocular vision?

Would you take a depressed optometrist to the low vision center?

Did you hear about the lab tech fell who into the lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?

Do optometrists not tell jokes because they are just too cornea?

Do optometrists live long lives because they dilate?

I really admire my optometrist; he is a true visionary.

I once worked for an optometrist, it was a real eye-opening experience

Would you call an Eskimo optometrist an optical Aleutian? 

I went to the optometrist and she told me I was colorblind; man, that came right out of the purple

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The only thing worse than being blind is having sight but no vision.”~Helen Keller

Happy New Year 2020!

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If you are searching for a New Year’s Resolution, may I offer a few suggestions?

I resolve to be more decisive, maybe.

I resolve to have a password other than “password.”

I resolve to conserve energy by spending more time laying on the couch.

I resolve not to text a family member while we are both in the same room.

I resolve to limit myself to seventeen e-mail addresses.

I resolve to stop sending e-mails to myself unless absolutely necessary.

I resolve to chat with my spouse live instead of on Facebook.

I resolve to not say, “LOL… LOL!” out loud when I hear something funny.

I resolve to balance my checkbook — on my nose.

I resolve to be an optimist, forget that, I don’t think I can keep it.

I resolve to watch more TV, if I am paying for 250 channels, then by golly I need to watch 250 channels.

I resolve to learn how to program the VCR I purchased in 1998.

I resolve to get ready for Y2K.

 I resolve to figure out where Waldo is.

Friday Funny December 27, 2019 Top Uses for Fruit Cake

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Happy Friday!  By now most, if not all of the presents have been unwrapped and the excitement may be waning a little.  There may be a present or two that you are not quite sure what do to with, if one of those is a fruit cake, let me offer a few suggestions.

Enjoy!

  1. Place your fruitcake in a safe place, leave it for ten years, then re-gift.
  2. Fruitcakes make great doorstops.
  3. Fruitcakes make excellent book ends.
  4. Fruitcakes can be used as blocks.
  5. Fruitcakes can be used to repair sections of your deck or driveway.
  6. Use it as a weight to hold down your portable basketball goal, this will prevent the goal from tipping over during periods of high winds.
  7. If you get two, drill a hole through the middle of each one (hammer drill is recommended) attach securely to a study metal p[ole, use as dumbbell.
  8. If you own a pickup truck, place fruitcakes in the truck bed to add weight for traction in the snow.
  9. Fruitcakes make excellent boundary markers for your driveway or yard during snowy months they hold their shape no matter how many times you or the snow plow run over them.
  10. If you cannot use it during the winter months, just hang onto it until spring and use as a boat anchor.
  11. Break it into smaller pieces (jackhammer recommended) and use like pumice to clean pots, pans and porcelain.
  12. Break it into smaller pieces (jackhammer recommended) and use as rocks for your gas fireplace.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Reality is like a fruitcake; pretty enough to look at but with all sorts of nasty things lurking just beneath the surface.” ~ A. Lee Martinez

The Night Before Christmas In The Digital Age

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I thought I would share an encore edition of a Friday Funny from 2009 (before I knew what a blog was).  So, with apologies to Clement Clarke Moore, here is my adaptation of his classic for the digital age.

Enjoy!

‘Twas the day before Christmas, when at my house

I was at the computer, moving the mouse;

It was time for another Friday Funny, does anyone care

If in the morning, the email inbox has a funny there?

Two of my boys were still nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of homemade cookies danced in their heads;

While mamma was working, I was off for the day,

It seemed like there was nothing funny for me to say,

When out on the Internet there arose such a clatter,

I sprang to my browser to see what was the matter.

Away to another window I flew like a flash,

Hoping as always that my computer would not crash.

The back-lighting of the monitor produced a glow

Which gave a slight luster to objects below,

As I wondered from web site to web site what should appear,

But a miniature sleigh jpg, complete with reindeer,

With a little driver icon, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

More rapid than dsl downloads his cursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

“Now, Yahoo! now, Google! now, Facebook and Amazon!

On, ebay! on youtube! on, myspace and ask.com!

To the top of the screen! to the top of the wall!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”

As deleted lines that before the backspace button fly,

When they meet with a click, mount to the sky,

So up to the screen-top the cursers they flew,

With a file full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the speaker

The prancing and pawing of each little squeaker.

As I drew in my hand, and was scrolling around,

Downloading an mpeg, St. Nicholas came with a bound.

He was digitally dressed from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were photo-shopped with ashes and soot;

A bundle of toys he had superimposed on his back,

And he looked like a Trojan file just opening his pack.

His eyes — they pulsated! his dimples they grew!

His cheeks had roses painted on them, his nose was blue!

His droll little mouth transfigured to a bow,

And the beard of his chin turned into white snow;

His pipe was a tree stump he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke wafted up and became a green wreath;

He had a broad face and a little round belly,

That shook, when he laughed and turned into jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;

Two winking eyes and a fast spinning head,

Soon gave me to know I had no virus to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

He backed up my hard drive; then turned with a jerk,

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, up the window he rose;

He sprang to his jpg, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he deleted his cookie from sight,

“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.”

© 2019 LeonardsLines.com

 

Ghosts of Christmas’ Past – Christmas Cards

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Christmas cards spear to be a fading tradition of Christmas.  Christmas cards began gaining popularity in the later part of the 19th century.  The custom of that time among more affluent families was to leave ‘calling cards’ when visiting someone’s house.  This lead to Christmas themed cards which eventually lead to the Christmas cards we are familiar with today.

I remember growing up we would tape the Christmas cards that we received around the inside of the front door and by Christmas there would be  cards taped all up and down both sides of the door.  Even after I was an adult and out on my own sending and receiving Christmas cards was a vital part of the Holiday season.  The daily trip to the mail box included a little excitement as you wondered who you might hear from today.  The arrival of a card would bring to mind friends and relatives that perhaps had not been heard from since the prior Christmas.  It was even better if the card included a picture or a letter.  I have one cousin who would could always manage to make her letter rhyme.  

It does not take a statistician to see that the number of Christmas Cards being mailed is on the decline.  We have received and mailed oly a handful of cards this year.  The obvious cause is the arrival of electronic communication and social media.  On one had it is great to hear from and see pictures of many more folks on a much more regular basis than once a year.  On the other hand, there is something  that I miss about those Christmas cards that helped make this wonderful season even a little brighter.

I am as guilty as the next person and you prob ably will not be receiving a card from me this year but that does not mean that I no longer care to send the very best, it simply means that the times, they are a changin’ and I am trying to change with them.  So here is wishing you and yours a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

© 2019 LeonardsLines.com

Friday Funny December 20, 2019 Short Christmas Jokes

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Happy Friday!  Christmas and Hanukkah are just a few days away.  Here are a few seasonal jokes chosen just for that hard to shop for person on your list.

Enjoy!

If Santa Clause fell into the fireplace would he become Krisp Kringle?
 
Is it true that the one reindeer who needs to mind his manners the most is Rude-olph?
 
Is it true that the reindeer who has the cleanest antlers is Comet?
 
Is it true that Santa’s reindeer favorite place for lunch is Deery Queen?
 
Would you call a scary reindeer a cari-boo?

Do Gingerbread Men put cookie sheets on their beds?
 
Would you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time Sandy Claus?

If you crossed an iPad with a Christmas tree would you get a pineapple?
 
If Santa walks backwards does he go “oh oh oh”?
 
Q: What’s red, white and blue at Christmas time?  A: A sad candy cane!

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“No man is a failure who has friends.” — It’s a Wonderful Life

Memorable Christmas Presents – Bowling Ball

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We are down to the last handful of shopping days until Christmas and I am again pondering the ghosts of Christmas presents past.  I recall asking for a bowling ball for Christmas when I was in high school, back before I determined that bowling just really was not up my alley (sorry I should have spared you from that pun… and that one as well).  

I was in a bowling league with some friends during my junior and senior years of high school.  The senior year team chose “The Spanish Inquisition” as our team name and we purged those pins well enough to end up in second place at the end of the season.  I have not bowled in a league since then, but I still have my Gem bowling ball that has traveled with me as I have moved from state to state and house to house over the years.  

The ball may be over 40 years old but it still works and amazingly it still fits! How many Christmas presents still work and fit after that long? I presently went  ruminating through the basement looking for my old bowling ball and bag to use for a company Thanksgiving Turkey-bowl.  I have been bowling maybe 2 times in the last five years but figured I might as well take my own ball it might give the impression that I had some clue as to what I was doing.  So with my old companion with me I stepped onto the lane for my first roll and promptly deposited the ball in the left-side gutter before touching a single pin.  However, I was not deterred.  I refocused my thoughts and tried to remember those glory days from my youth and managed a strike in the second frame and the third frame and the fourth frame and the fifth frame!  I returned to reality after that but finished with a 166 that was, tied for the high score for the outing and was able to help my team bring home turkeys, literally.  

As you look for those last gifts on your shopping list just remember that some gifts will break, some will wear out, some will be outgrown, some will go out of style, but a bowling ball will last forever.

© 2019 LeonardsLines.com