Author Archives: Leonard

Friday Funny April 24, 2015 Just Another Day at the Beach

1 Reply

2012-10-20 18.55.02

A couple lived near the ocean and enjoyed a daily walk along the beach. One day it occurred to them that there was a girl who was at the beach every time they were there. She wasn’t unusual, it was just that she was always there.  She walked along the beach carrying an ordinary travel bag.  However she would often approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

It seemed like most of the time, the person she spoke to would respond negatively and she would wander off.  Occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money then she would reach in her bag and give them something.  This aroused suspicion from the couple who wondered if perhaps she was selling drugs,  They debated calling the police, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her day after day.

This went on for a few weeks.  One day the wife asked, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only approaches people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?”

He hadn’t and said so. Then she added, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Perhaps we can find out what she’s really up to.”

Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl walk over and talk to her husband and then leave. The man got up and walked up the beach to met his wife at the road.

“Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.

“No, she’s not selling drugs,” he said, perhaps enjoying stringing his wife along more than he should have.

“Well, what is it, then!?” his wife almost screamed.

The man grinned and said. “Her name is Sally and she’s a battery salesperson.”

“Batteries!?” cried the wife ……………………………………..

“Yes” he replied.  “Sally sells C cells by the Seashore.”

Thought for the Week

Always look on the bright side of life. Otherwise it’ll be too dark to read. ~Author Unknown

http://www.quotegarden.com

Some Nutritional Advice

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hershey-bars-milk-chocolate_lg

Can’t eat beef……..mad cow, growth hormone injections

Can’t eat chicken…… bird flu, antibiotics

Can’t eat eggs…… bird flu (again), salmonella

Can’t eat pork…..trichinosis & fears that bird flu will infect pigs

Can’t eat fish……. contaminated by heavy metals in the water

Can’t eat fruits and veggies……. insecticides and herbicides

That narrows the options down quite a bit.  However, the good news is that I can still eat Chocolate.

I have read where many nutritionists have advised that a balanced diet should have lots of color – so to follow that advice, I always include a daily serving M&Ms. 

Think about it, chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Beans are vegetables! Sugar is derived from either sugar cane or sugar beets. Both of these are plants, which places them in the vegetable category, correct? Therefore chocolate must be a vegetable.  And don’t forget that milk chocolate contains MILK, which adds the dairy category. One could start to make the argument that like milk chocolate is, in fact, a health food. 

Take a moment and check the nutritional information on that chocolate bar.  Did you realize that you can get 100% of the minimum daily requirements of Vitamin C, Calcium, Iron, Protein and Carbohydrates just by eating Hershey’s Milk Chocolate?  I checked out the label and it is true (you just need to eat 50 bars each day).  This will more than provide your calorie intake (50 bars would be about 15,000 calories if you are into counting calories).  Chocolate really does provide all you need in one convenient package, what could be easier?

So, put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.

Friday Funny April 17, 2015 Jokes that Count

1 Reply 
lgs

Happy Friday!  In honor of surviving another April 15, I thought a few accounting jokes would help bring balance to your day.  So be audit you can be, but remember it’s       accrual world out there.
 
Enjoy!
 
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
 
What is the difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion?
About ten years.

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
How much money do you have? 

What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer? 
The accountant knows he's boring.
 
Newton's Laws of Accounting 
1. For every accountant, there is equal and opposite accountant.
2. Both of them are wrong. 
 
Four Laws of Accounting:
1. Trial balances don't.
2. Bank reconciliations never do.
3. Working capital does not. 
4. Return on investments never will. 

In reality there are just two rules for creating a successful accountancy business: 
1. Don't tell them everything you know. 2. [Redacted] 

An auditor is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
"Doctor, I just can't get sleep at night." 
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend many hours trying to find it."
 
What is the definition of a good tax accountant?
Someone who has a loophole named after him.
 
When does a person decide to become an accountant?
When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
 
How can you tell an accountant is introverted?
He looks at his shoes while he is talking to you.
 
How can you tell an accountant is extroverted?
He looks at your shoes while he is talking to you.
 
Why did the accountant cross the road?
To bore the people on the other side
 
There are just three types of accountants: those who can count and those who can't.


Thought for the Week

"The hardest thing in the world to understand is income taxes." ~ attributed to Albert Einstein

 

					

		
		
	

							
	

				

			
						

				Boys of Summer 1975 Edition
			

										

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ALL STARS 1975


We can now officially put a very long and very cold winter behind us because the baseball season is underway.  I have enjoyed baseball for as long as I can remember and I was fortunate to grow up in Southwestern Ohio during the days of the Big Red Machine.  So, of course, I dreamed of playing for the Reds.  Of course that never happened, I never even managed to make my high school team.  


But I did play Little League Baseball as many years as I could  – from age 8 through 15.  I was on some good teams and some really bad teams.  I think in 1971, the team I played on  was 2-14.  The next year, we doubled our wins to 4-12.  According to my records, in 1974 as a pitcher, I won 5 games and lost 4, posting an ERA of 1.14 and even managed to pitch a no-hitter and lose 1-0!  The last two years I played baseball I pitched 132 innings  walked 53 and struck out 202.


Probably the best baseball team I had a chance to play with was the 1975 Shiloh – Ft. McKinley Senior Division All-Star Team at the conclusion of what was my last year of Little League Baseball.  I pick this as the best team I ever played on because we actually managed to win our first game in the double elimination Little League tournament. (It was also one of those rare times when I was not the only “Leonard” on a team.)  I had made the “all star” team the previous four years but we had never won a game in the Major Division or the Senior Division tournament and were quickly dismissed.  


But 1975 was our year.  Tucked away in an old red notebook I came across a clipping from the Argus-Sentinel by Sports Editor Ken Palen that recaps the highlight game of my brief and not quite illustrious baseball career.    The headline, from the Englewood paper proclaimed “Englewood Seniors One-Hit in Opening Tourney Game.”  Mr. Palen mentions the old baseball adage that “good pitching stops good hitting.”  That was definitely the case this day as we scored 8 runs and our ace pitcher, Jeff Mitrisin, allowed only one-hit and that was with one out in the seventh and final inning.


We scored 5 runs in the second inning on our way to victory.  If I recall correctly, I led off that inning and drove the ball the tremendous distance of about twenty feet, the ball stayed fair and just died on the first base line, a classic swinging bunt for a single.  I scored the first run as we batted around that inning highlighted by doubles by Larry Olevitch and Chris Pulos.  Englewood changed pitchers for the third inning and I got to lead off again.  In what may have been the best sentence ever written in the history of amateur baseball, Mr. Palen noted that the next pitcher “was the victim of a third inning home run by Lenny Wagers that easily cleared the 307 ft. sign in center field.” 


Unfortunately we lost our next game 4-3 in 11 innings and followed that with another loss.  We were eliminated again and my baseball career was over.  I suppose it is a little sad that I peaked at 15 and was washed-up and out of organized baseball at 16, but 40 years later, I still have some great memories.


 


 

					

		
		
	

							
	

				

			
						

				Friday Funny April 10, 2015 Get Ready to Heckle!
			

										

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Image008


Happy Friday!  Another baseball season is underway.  Few things are more enjoyable than a trip to the old ball yard to take in a game and to help get you in mid-season form for your next game, here are some lines that you can throw at the pitchers and hitters.


Enjoy!


FOR PITCHERS

 I’ve seen better arms on the Venus de Milo!                                                                                    I’ve seen better arms on a beanbag chair!                                                                                          I’ve seen better pitchers in Kool-Aid Commercials.                                                                        I’ve seen more heat in an EZ-bake oven!                                                                                          I’ve seen more heat in a toaster!                                                                                                      You couldn’t save a Word file!                                                                                                            You couldn’t save anything at Wal-Mart!                                                                                          You couldn’t hold your dogs lead!                                                                                                      I’ve seen better curves on a square!                                                                                                      I’ve seen better sliders at White Castle!                                                                                              I’ve seen better windups on a toy!                                                                                                  How about a donation for this walk-a-thon!                                                                                  You couldn’t find a plate in a kitchen!                                                                                                    Click your heels 3 times and repeat after me…..there’s no place like home, there’s no  place like home, there’s no place like home!


FOR HITTERS

 You’ve got fewer hits than an Amish website!

 You’ve had fewer hits than Vanilla Ice!

 You couldn’t drive home Miss Daisy!                                                                                                This guy hasn’t driven anybody home since the junior prom!                                                   You couldn’t hit water if you fell out of a boat!                                                                                   Hey, my cholesterol level is higher than your batting average!                                              Hey, Mendoza called. He wants his line back!                                                                             Your hostess will seat you! (following a strikeout)                                                                     I’ve seen better cuts at a deli!                                                                                                               I’ve seen better cuts on a BeeGees album!                                                                                            This guy couldn’t hit a shift key!                                                                                                          I’ve seen better swings in a park!                                                                                                      I’ve seen better swings on a porch!                                                                                                  You couldn’t hit the floor if you fell out of bed!                                                                              You couldn’t knock the skin off of rice pudding!


Thought for the Week


“Correct thinkers think that ‘baseball trivia’ is an oxymoron: nothing about baseball is trivial.” ~ George Will

					

		
		
	

							
	

				

			
						

				Prom: Yet Another Sign We Have Lost Our Minds
			

										

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u11871647


I am getting to that point in life where I am old enough and getting cynical enough that few things surprise me anymore.  But once in a while something comes along that just makes me shake my head and once again ask, “when did we collectively lose our minds?”


This time it was a story about how much is being spent on prom. The amount I heard quoted in a number of reports was that the average overall spending per family related to prom this year will be $919!  Quickly followed with the happy footnote that this is actually down $59 from 2014.  My first thought was are they crazy!?  My second thought was that I am thankful my children are all past that age.  Then before I could catch my breath, I heard that the average cost of ASKING someone to go to prom, the “prom-posal,” is $324 with the added note that these elaborate invitations have become expected. 


I know this may be difficult to believe, but once upon a time, I went to the prom.  I followed the admonition of a couple of my friends who told me that “everybody goes to their senior prom.” As it turned out said friends DID NOT go the senior prom while I did. And yes I actually managed to find someone who agreed to go with me and while it did take a little convincing, it did not require a prom-posal or begging (at least I do not remember begging). 


I do not recall how much I spent, but I can guarantee it was no-where close to the inflation adjusted equivalent of $900.  Advance preparation involved renting a tuxedo at the Salem Mall and buying a corsage at a florist shop on North Main Street. Transportation was not a limo rental, but my Dad’s Plymouth Satellite Sebring.  The pre-prom dinner was at Neil’s Heritage House, a nice place but not all that “fancy.”  Then there was the prom with the theme of “Colour My World” (A song by Chicago) and the after-prom party.  I would be surprised if I spent a $100 total.  


It seems like more and more these days “someone” has decided that everything that is done has to be done to excess and has to cost an arm and a leg.  The stories I have heard this week mentioned that there are families that spend 5% of the family’s annual income on prom.  (I apologize, but “silly”, “foolish”, and “stupid” are the words that come to my mind for using 2-3 weeks of family income for a kid to go to prom.)  When I went to my prom I had a great time and have fond memories of that night and my parents did not have to take out a loan for me to do it.


A prom, like many things, should be remembered by who you spent it with not how much you spent on it.

					

		
		
	

							
	

				

			
						

				Friday Funny April 3, 2015 Hoppy Easter!
			

										

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easter-bunny1


Happy Good Friday!  The memories of a harsh winter are starting to fade and the hope of spring is beginning to bloom.


Enjoy!


Q: How do bunnies stay healthy?

 A: Eggercise


Q:  Do you know how bunnies stay in shape?                                                                                   A:  Hareobics. 


Q: What did the eggs do when the light turned green?

 A:  They egg-cellerated. 


Q: How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been?                                                                A:  Eggs marks the spot.


Q:  What did the bunny want to do when it grew up?                                                                     A:  Join the hare force.


 Q:  What do the call an Easter Bunny on a farm?                                                                            A:  Dinner (or supper as the case may be). 


A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a rabbit sitting next to him. “Are you a rabbit?” asked the man, surprised. “Yes.” “What are you doing at the movies?” The rabbit replied, “Well, I liked the book.”


An infant rabbit was orphaned. Fortunately though, a family of squirrels took it in and raised it as if it were one of their own. This led to some strange behaviors on the part of the rabbit, including a tendency for it to avoid jumping, but instead to run around like the other squirrels. One day the rabbit was really feeling sad, so it went to its step-parents to discuss the problem. After explaining to them how it felt different from its step-siblings, they gave him a big hug and said, “Don’t scurry, be hoppy.”


Read the following slowly and out loud

 C D E D B D bunnies?

 M R not E D B D bunnies!

 O S A R! C D E D B D fluffy cottontails?

 L I B! M R 2 E D B D bunnies!


Thought for the Week                                                                                                                             “The great gift of Easter is hope – Christian hope which makes us have that confidence in God, in his ultimate triumph, and in his goodness and love, which nothing can shake.” ~Basil Hume


http://www.brainyquote.com

					

		
		
	

							
	

				

			
						

				A Sure Sign that Society is in Decay
			

										

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tooth brush


Perhaps this is just the latest sign that we live in a society in decay.  I saw a story a week or so ago about a mother and son in Florida who were arrested for stealing more than $100,000 worth of toothbrushes throughout Central Florida.  Apparently they would steal electronic toothbrushes worth more than $100 each and visit other stores to buy replacement heads. They would then alter receipts to make it appear they had also bought the toothbrushes and then return the toothbrushes for the purchase price. These two had this process down and knew the drill.  They tried to explain their actions, but their story was full of holes.  The story stated that these folks were not yet represented by legal counsel, I guess they could not afford a retainer.  I also believe that the arresting officer is in line for a little plaque.


At first I thought this sounded like a novel avenue of theft, but brace yourself, because after I drilled down a little more, I discovered that there is an apparent epidemic of toothbrush theft.  While the above mother and son team receive the crown for stealing the most toothbrushes, they have plenty of company.  There was a story of a Seattle area woman who was arrested in connection with the theft of three electric toothbrushes, an alleged serial toothbrush thief in the North Penn area, and a  Providence man who allegedly stole $1,300 worth of electronic toothbrushes.  We can only hope that the criminal justice system will implant a better sense of right and wrong on these folks and that they will learn from their brush with the law.


I guess these stories just hit a nerve with me.  I’ll fill you in when I hear more.

					

		
		
	

							
	

				

			
						

				Friday Punny March 27, 2015
			

										

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lgs


 


Happy Friday!  Hoping that things are starting to green up in your corner of the world. Here is a baker’s dozen of puns to kick off your weekend.


Enjoy!


I couldn’t understand how my seat belt worked. Then it clicked.


Never trust atoms, they make up everything.


I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory.  All I did was take a day off.


Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera.


How does Moses make his coffee?  He-brews it.


Why does Peter Pan always fly? Because he Neverlands.


Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.


If Apple made a car, would it have Windows?


What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he was told he had to upgrade to Windows 7? “I still love Vista, baby.”


A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy.


A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation.


I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.


The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out.


Thought for the Week


“A pun is the lowest form of humor – when you don’t think of it first.” ~ Oscar Levant