Author Archives: Leonard

Friday Funny March 20, 2015 March Madness

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Happy Friday and Happy March Madness! Here a few basketball jokes to help you get your game on.

Enjoy!

Q: How many NCAA basketball players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. But he gets money, a car, and three credit hours for it.

Q: Why are basketball players messy eaters?
A: They’re always dribbling.

Q: Why was the basketball player sitting on the sideline sketching a picture of a chicken?                                                                                                                                                         A: He was learning to draw fowls.

Q. What is a cheerleader’s favorite color?                                                                                           A: Yeller!

Q:What do cheerleaders drink before they go to a basketball game?                                        A: Root beer!

“He’s great on the court,” a sportswriter said of a college basketball player in an interview with his coach. “But’s how’s his scholastic work?” “Why, he makes straight A’s,” replied the coach. “Wonderful!” said the sportswriter. “Yes,” agreed the coach, “however, his B’s are a little crooked.”

Hanging in the hallway of the college arena were the basketball team pictures from the past 40 years. A player in the center of the front row in each picture holds a basketball identifying the year — “95-96,” “96-97” “97-98,” etc. One day a freshman was looking curiously at the photos and remarked, “Isn’t it strange how the teams always lost by just one point?”

Thought for the Week

“I’ve always felt that, you know, the Almighty has a lot of things to do other than help my basketball team.” ~ Bobby Knight
http://www.brainyquote.com

 

Straighten Up and Fly Right

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I am a very infrequent flier.  In fact it has been a few years since I last boarded a plane.  Yet, today, I found myself looking to book a flight to Chicago in a couple of months.  I was quickly struck by the complete absence of logic in air fares.  I suppose I should have expected this because in the past I have saved money by taking a flight from Dayton, Ohio with a connection in Cincinnati because it was cheaper than just boarding in Cincinnati and I never quite understood that.

So, today I found that I could fly from Cincinnati to Chicago for $361 or from Dayton to Chicago for $355, not much difference in cost and the distance is about three hundred miles either way.  But here is where it gets weird.  I could save over fifty dollars if I took a flight that had a connection……in Atlanta!  So, I can travel approximately five hundred miles from Dayton to Atlanta and then seven hundred miles from Atlanta to Chicago and it is cheaper?  I am trying to figure  out how the airline makes money by charging less for me to fly four times the miles.

I wonder if I could reduce the cost even further by flying from Dayton to Los Angeles and then to Chicago or maybe to Honolulu first?  Perhaps if I go to Chicago by way of Sydney, Australia they will have to pay me!  

Friday Funny March 13, 2015

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lgs

Happy Friday!  I certainly hope you do not suffer from paraskevidekatriaphobia.  No, that is not the fear of parakeets; that is the fear of Friday the 13th.  Here are a couple of jokes to get your day off to a lucky start.

Enjoy!

IF IT WEREN’T FOR BAD LUCK…

A old sailor was out walking on the dock one day when he met a former ship mate of his. They had not seen each other for many years so they had much to talk about and many old memories to renew.

After some time, one said to the other, “if you don’t mind my saying so, you don’t look very good, you must have experienced some bad luck.”

“Yes,” the other one said, “I have. You see this peg leg? Well, one day I was out on deck and me leg got all tangled up in a loose line and it was so badly mangled that they had to take it off at the knee.”

His friend agreed that was bad luck. The other one continued, “You see I have a hook for a hand. One day I was out on deck when a shipmate of mine fell overboard. I leaned over as far as I could in an attempt to rescue him and as I extended my hand to him a shark took me hand off.”

“My you really did experience bad luck,” the other responded, “I see you have a patch over one eye, What happened to your eye?”

“Well, I was out on deck again one day and just as I looked up, a seagull that was flying over, unloaded, and got me right in the eye.”

“And that took your eye out?”

“No, that was me first day with the hook.”

BEEN THERE THROUGH THICK AND THIN

A woman’s husband had been in a very serious accident and had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she faithfully stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he finally regained consciousness, as he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all these years through the good times and the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?”

“What dear?” She asked gently.

“I think you bring me bad luck.”

Thought for the Week

Luck is the by-product of busting your fanny.  ~Don Sutton

http://www.quotegarden.com

You Always Remember Your First Car

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There are many great firsts in life. First steps, first words, first day of school, first job, first love, first kiss and, of course, first car.  I can recall anxiously waiting to turn sixteen so that I could get my license and drive.  Driving was more than a rite of passage, it was a ticket to a whole new world: a world of mobility and freedom.  I imagine that you can remember your first car, you can probably picture it in your mind right now – right down to the scratches and dents that gave it character.  Your first car might have been sporty and new or perhaps it was just an old clunker, either way it probably holds special memories and a special place in your life.

My first car was not new and it was definitely not sporty.  My first car was a 1968 Plymouth Fury III. It was a rather unique shade of red that some might call “candy-apple red” but that I always referred to as “dried-blood red.” It had a black vinyl roof, fender skits, and a Chrysler 318 V-8 engine. Yes, it was quite a boat. I often joked that I thought it could have been used as a camper –  possibly sleeping one in the front seat, one in the back seat, two in the truck and two under the hood, one on either side of the engine. I enhanced the technology of the vehicle when I bought an FM converter so I could listen to radio with “no static at all.” That car was neither sleek nor pretty, but it was quite dependable and it was my ticket to freedom. My Dad bought it used in 1976 when it had some sixty thousand miles on it.  I drove it to high school, I drove it to college, I drove it to Canada.  It helped move me to Texas and then to Alabama.  I drove that car for ten years and nearly doubled the miles on the odometer, but in the summer of 1986 it was time to part with it and move onto something newer.  I do, however, still have a Texas title as a memento.   Since then I have had several other cars, some new, some used. But that Fury was my first and will always hold a special place for me.

Friday Funny March 6, 2015 Wedded Bliss

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Happy Friday!  Happy March!!  Believe or not spring is only 15 days away!!!

This Friday is not just any day, it is my wedding anniversary.  So, this Friday here are some marriage-themed jokes chosen especially for you.

Enjoy!

My wife says that she does not know where she would be without me, she has, however, said she would like to go there for a visit sometime.

The other day I asked my wife, “What do you love most about me; my tremendous athletic ability or my superior intellect?” Here response was that she loved my great sense of humor.

A few weeks ago my wife and I were out at the mall and passed one those scales were you drop in a quarter and it tells your fortune as well as your weight.  I dropped in a quarter and read the small, white card that popped out. I showed my wife. “Look at this! It says I’m energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover.” “Yeah,” she nodded, “and it has your weight wrong, too.”

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor’s degree and the woman gets her master’s.

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” And the father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it.”

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car or the wife is new.

A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.

During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife. She had him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.

One day a man who had been married for many years was looking for something in the closet when he stumbled upon a shoe box in the closet.  Upon opening it, he was quite surprised to find 2 doilies and $85,000 in cash.  Quite confused, he asked his wife if the box was hers.  She confirmed that it was and he asked what the contents meant.  She explained “when we got married my mother told me that every time I got upset with you, I should crochet a doily.” Well the old gentleman was quite touched thinking that over all the years of their marriage she had only been mad twice.  He wiped a small tear from his eye and asked what the $85,000 came from.  “Oh that,” she replied,”..that’s the money I’ve made over the years from selling doilies.”

Thought for the Week

Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. ~Simone Signoret

http://www.quotegarden.com

And In Today’s Forecast There Is A One Hundred Percent Chance of Weather

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Although the calendar says March, there is still snow on the ground and the forecast says that there will be several more inches of snow tomorrow.  So, once again everyone is tasked with running to the grocery and buying milk, bread and eggs in case they get stranded inside for six hours or so during the day.  (Apparently the onset of snow causes most people to have an insatiable  appetite for french toast, this is another mystery for another day.)

But as I sit here pondering my plans for tomorrow I think about all the freezing rain that was in today’s forecast that did not happen.  I think about the major snowstorms in December and January that did not happen.  I think about the temperature forecast that have been off by more than twenty degrees and I wonder if it will really snow tomorrow.

I remember reading an article in the local paper last fall that really went out on a limb by predicting that this winter the temperature would be “above normal, below normal, or close to normal.”   I am certain that took a lot of work and professional judgement and I will admit they nailed that one.  Of course I understand that Mother Nature is temperamental and unpredictable.  I know that weather forecasting is as much an art as a science, but it seems like the artwork has been pretty ugly lately!   

From the exhaustive research I have conducted on the internet over the last five minutes, it appears that weather predictions, like all predictions, become less reliable over time.  You can place a little more faith in what you local weather person says the weather will be tomorrow that what he says it will be on Sunday.  This reminded me of the weatherman on Channel 2 in Dayton, Ohio in the 70’s.  The two most memorable things I recall about him were that 1) he had one of the best names for a weatherman, Dewey Hopper and 2) his very short-term forecasts were always right because instead of being in the studio, he did the weather outside in the parking lot so he could tell you if it was raining at the moment.

So, here is my long-term forecast:  there will be a gradual warming trend as the days grow longer until the latter part of June.  There will be intermittent sunshine mixed with rain and the occasional possibility of severe weather.    

Friday Funny February 27, 2015 Snow Jokes

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Happy Friday!  Congratulations!  You have made it to the end of February!  Hang in there winter is almost over, even if it does not feel like it or look like it.  We cannot change the weather, but we can laugh at it. So, here are some snow jokes.  Enjoy them before they melt!

The stressed out snowman was acting flaky. That was, until he had a meltdown. And finally he was indicted for having a slush fund.

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?                                                                                               Frosted Flakes 

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?                                                                     Do you smell carrots?

How does a snowman get to work?                                                                                                     By Icicle. 

What do you call a gangsta snowman?                                                                                                    Froze-T

Where does a snowman keep his money?                                                                                          In a snow bank

What do you call an old snowman?                                                                                                Water

What do snowmen call their offspring?                                                                                                  Chill-dren

Where do snowmen go to dance ?                                                                                                Snowballs

What do snowmen wear on their heads?                                                                                           Ice caps

What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib?                                                     A snowmobile

What do snowmen eat for lunch?                                                                                                 Icebergers 

What is the favorite Mexican food of snowman?                                                                       Brrrr- itos

What did one snowman say to the other snowman as they parted?                                         Have an ice day!

Thought for the Week

“People ask me what I do in winter when there’s no baseball. I’ll tell you what I do. I stare out the window and wait for spring.” ~ Rogers Hornsby

Snowmaggedon or Snow Paradise?

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It seems that many of us are caught in the relentless grip of Old Man Winter.  Those in New England have suffered winter storm upon winter storm dumping snow upon more snow.  In Ohio, February has brought record cold followed by snow followed by record cold followed by more snow followed by record cold.  We find hope and encouragement noting that the official start of spring is less than a month away, surely it will start to warm up soon!.  Yes the snow and cold is a pain, yes it makes travel treacherous, and yes it can make downright dangerous.

However, I want to ask you to pause for just a few moments in your lament of winter.   Pause and remember how you once thought of snow.  Think about what a few inches of snow meant to you before you had to worry about the commute to work, before you had to make trips to the grocery, before  there were deadlines to deal with and bills to pay.

If you are like me, perhaps you can remember when snow brought excitement to the seemingly endless dreariness of winter.  There was a time when I looked out the window early in the morning with anticipation, wishing and hoping to see the ground covered with snow and the more snow the better.  There was a time when snow, instead of meaning closures, meant the opening of a whole realm of possibilities.  Snow meant fun not worry.

I lived on a residential street that had a little bit of a hill and not a lot of traffic.  I still recall those rare and wonderful occasions when the fates allowed the confluence of several inches of snow, the cancellation of school and a window of several hours of daylight before a snow plow was seen.  That meant walking up to the top of the hill, riding the sled as far as you could down the street then repeating the process again and again and again.  Inevitably the snow plow would find our street and that part of the fun would be done.  So, we would move on to making snow men, building snow forts and having epic snow ball battles.  We would stay out as long as we could stand it then go inside to warm up for a bit, have some hot chocolate and then bundle up and head outside again. 

A child is disappointed to look outside in the morning and see snow, a child is only disappointed that it did not snow enough.  As we grow up our attitude changes about many things and it should.  As adults we are responsible for things and we have places to go and people to see and the arrival of snow makes those things more difficult.  But next time you are ready to grumble and mumble about the snow just pause and remember there was a time when you found snow exciting and wonderful.  Better yet, the next time it snows overnight find a small child and look at his face when he looks out and sees the snow.  

Before long spring will be here, the snow will be gone and there will be flowers to plant, mulch to spread and grass to cut.  The days will be longer and warmer and there will be lots of fun things to do outside again.  But, for now, try to enjoy the snow that bring the glimmer of noonday to the dark days and winter.  But don’t fret when the snow is all gone for as Frosty reminded us he will “be back again some day.”

Friday Funny February 20, 2015 Coming Soon From K-Tel!

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 Happy Friday! Congratulations for making it through a very cold week!!  

Perhaps you remember K-tel, the company that was big in the 60’s and 70’s compiling hits and selling albums with titles like “Fantastic Hits,” “Power Hits,” and “Out of Sight Hits.”  We may not have heard much from these folks for a while, but rumor has it that they are getting ready to release a new album just for Baby Boomers.  They are taking some of our old favorites, updating them and putting them on a new album called “Baby Boomers Turn Gray: Re-heated Oldies.”

Featuring these great songs!

Carly Simon–“You’re So Varicose Vein”
The Bee Gees–“How Can You Mend a Broken Hip”
Roberta Flack–“The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face”
The Temptations–“Papa Got a Kidney Stone”
Nancy Sinatra–“These Boots Are Made For Bunions”
ABBA–“Denture Queen”
Leo Sayer–“You Make Me Feel Like Napping”
Commodores–“Once, Twice, Three Times My Back’s Out”
Steely Dan–“Rikki Don’t Lose That Clapper”
Herman’s Hermits–“Mrs. Brown You’ve Got a Lovely Walker”
Credence Clearwater Revival–“Bad Prune Rising”
Marvin Gaye–“I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts”
Melanie – “Brand New Knee”                                                                                                             Bruce Springstein – “Born to Nap”                                                                                                          Gladys Knight and the Pips – “Midnight Trip to the Bathroom”                                             Elton John – “Rocking Chair Man”                                                                                                Johnny Nash – “I Can See Clearly Now (The Cataracts Are Gone)”                                            The Beetles – “Let Me Be”                                                                                                                Eagles – “Heartburn Tonight”                                                                                                              Average White Band – “(I Can’t Bend Over to) Pick Up the Pieces”                                              Three Dog Night – “The Doctor Told Me Not to Come”                                                                  Elton John and Kiki Dee – “Don’t Go Breaking My Hip”                                                                      Eagles – “Old Man in Town”                                                                                                                        Mary MacGregor – “Torn Between Two Livers”

But WAIT! That is not all, the album also includes these digitally remastered hits that bring an old message with a new meaning!

The Who – “Who Are You?”                                                                                                               Marvin Gaye – “What’s Going On?”                                                                                                           The Bee Gees – “Stayin’ Alive”                                                                                                           Barry Manilow – “Looks Like We Made It”

Available on LP’s, Cassettes and 8-Track!

Thought for the Week                                                                                                                               [An intellectual] is someone who can listen to the “William Tell Overture” without thinking of the Lone Ranger. ~John Chesson

Differences between Men and Women #5 The Three Stooges

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Men and women find different things amusing and to prove my point I only need three words: “The Three Stooges.”  Right now, if you are a guy you are smiling and nodding your head.  If you are a gal you are shaking your head and softly saying, “I just don’t get them.  They aren’t funny, they are just stupid.”  

Women and critics dismiss The Stooges as juvenile and brainless.  Which they are AND which is why they are so funny.  Perhaps it is just the way men are wired.  Apparently, men find pleasure in the absence of pain, so therefore pain being inflicted on anyone else is funny as long as it is someone else. So to see Larry, Moe and Curly poking each other in the eye, hitting each other with pipes or twirling ladders into one another’s noggins is quite amusing.  Even if we know it is coming, even it we have seen it before, even it we have seen it 100 times, it is still funny.  The more the character suffers, the more we realize that we are not the one suffering so the funnier we find it.

Women, on the other hand, apparently find a need to have empathy with the suffering character.  So the antics, instead of being amusing, tend to be discomforting.  While the masculine mind says, “hit him harder this time!” the feminine mind says, “I feel your pain and I want to help you out of this unfortunate predicament.”  

Women want “higher humor” that is social, rather than physical.  Humor that is based on awkward interactions of complex characters is the humor they are looking for.  Discomfort, not pain is what makes women laugh.

But, wait, perhaps The Stooges are not as “low brow” as we have assumed.  In a talk entitled “Are the Stooges Funny?: Soitanly!” (1996), Robert Solomon, who taught philosophy at the University of Texas at Austin until his death in 2007, argued that the Stooges humor “constitutes a counterexample to the major philosophical theories of humor and is the basis of a better view, which he called the inferiority theory.”  So when I laugh at The Stooges, I am not just laughing at the prat falls, I am laughing at the ritual humiliation that runs counter to prevailing social constructs of humor in modern society!

It is interesting that almost every list of qualities that women look for in a man will include a “sense of humor.” Yet, it does not seem like the ideal man is Larry, Moe or Curly unless he is a kinder, gentler Stooge who finds his humor in complex inter-personal relationships.  But then if those complex inter-personal relationships involve a few ladders and power tools……