Happy Friday! Here are some Dad Joke’s for you to ponder as you mucnh on the leftover Halloween candy this weekend,

Enjoy!

It seems like I only get sick on weekdays. I wonder if I have a weekend immune system.

If I ever find the doctor who messed up my limb replacement surgery, I think I will strangle him with my bear hands.

I heard that it is pretty easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but a lot harder to deter gents.

Last week I found a wooden shoe in my toilet. It was clogged.

I once had a girl break up with me because of my obsession with pasta. It left me feeling cannelloni for a long time.

My boss was upset with me for downloading the entire Wikipedia.  I said, “Wait! I can explain everything!”

I think I am obsessed with collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.

I do not mean to brag, but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.

I remember when I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Unfortunately, it turns out that identity theft is a crime.

When I took calculus, I had to sit between identical twins. I found it very difficult to differentiate between them.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The man who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything. “~Edward John Phelps, 1889

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Happy Friday! Trick or Treat is almost upon us, so get that bowl of candy ready and keep an eye out for The Great Pumpkin.

Enjoy!

Do you know you have been ghosted when the poltergeist does not text you back.\?

When a ghost mom puts her kids in a car does she remind them to fasten their sheet-belts

Did you hear about the mummy who was kicked out the the witch’s school because it could not spell?

Would you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts a Pharaoh Roche?

Is it true that a vampire’s favorite ice cream flavor is vein-illa.?

Did you hear about the skeleton beauty contest? No body won.

Did you hear about the skeleton who went to the new night club in town because he heard it was a hip joint?

If witches wear shoes that are too tight do they get candy corns?

Is it true that girl ghosts go on diets so they can keep their ghoulish figures?

Is it true that werewolves never know what time it is because they are not  whenwolves?

Did you hear about the pumpkin preacher? He spoke from the pulp-it.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“There is a child in every one of us who is still a trick-or-treater looking for a brightly-lit front porch.” —Robert Brault

Happy Friday!  Fall is in air as the temperature cools and the leaves are beginning to change. Here are a few crisp jokes to kick off your weekend.

Enjoy!

If a tree takes a week of vacation in the fall, would it be called paid leaf?

Did you hear about the pumpkin that lost the boxing match? Seems he let his gourd down.

Is it true that trees hate going to school in the fall because they are easily stumped?

Is the best band to listen to in autumn The Pumpkin Spice Girls?

The other day I went to an apple library and I was reminded to talk with my in-cider voice.

I heard that Voltaire’s favorite dessert was Candide apples.

If you hunt wild boar in the fall, is it best to use an autumn-atic rifle?

I always carry a stone with me that I use to throw at people who play Christmas music in October.  I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

I signed up to be part of a clinical trial to be done in October, it might be a trick or treatment.

October 10th promises to be a great day – 10/10

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“It’s the first day of autumn! A time of hot chocolatey mornings, and toasty marshmallow evenings, and, best of all, leaping into leaves!” ~ Winnie The Pooh

Happy Friday! I was out last week visiting Washington, DC, seeing the museums and monuments.  I am back with some government inspired Friday Funnies.

Enjoy!

Last week I learned that Washington, DC has more museums than Starbucks and McDonald’s combined.  Starbucks and McDonald’s have a combined total of 0 museums.

Congressman should wear uniforms like NASCAR drivers so we can identify their corporate sponsors.

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.

A politician will find an excuse to get out of anything except office.

Is it true that when the President pushes the big red button, Chuck Norris’s cell phone rings?

If I could start a Non-Government-Organization, I would call it B.I.  That would be its Name-O.

My wife asked me, “If you could have any super-power, which one would you have?”  I said, “America.”

Putin’s government is kind of like Microsoft Edge, You can’t uninstall either.

I read a story about some mute pigeons that unsuccessfully tried to overthrow the government, apparently it was a failed coo.

I know this guy who hates candles, he thinks they were created as part of some government conspiracy.  He is a real anti-waxer.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.” ~ Groucho Marx