Happy Friday and Happy December!  With the holiday season upon us, it is only fitting to break out a couple of seasonal jokes.

Enjoy!

The Young Man and the Tree

One day, a young man came home to discover that his wife had put up the Christmas decorations.  There were bright lights around the outside of the house.  There were large, red stockings hung by the chimney and a large green wreath on the door. 

When he walked into the family room, he saw a beautiful, tall Christmas tree.  However, he noticed that, despite all the other elaborate decorations around the house, the Christmas tree appeared to be untouched.  He found this a bit puzzling, so he asked his s wife who coyly replied that she had indeed finished decorating the tree. 

He looked again at the tree and carefully walked around only to affirm that there were no ornaments or lights on the tree.  This time; however, he did notice that on just one branch there was hanging one single shotgun shell.  Well this really made him wonder.  He went back and asked his wife what the meaning of this strange tree was.  She simply smiled and said, “Isn’t it obvious dear?  Why what you are looking at is a cartridge in a bear tree!”

A Trip to the Dentist

A man goes to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, “It looks like that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is already eroding. What have you been eating?”

The man replies, “Nothing that different.  The only thing I can think of is that, about four months ago, my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious .  It was Hollandaise sauce.  It was great.  I asked her to start putting it on everything – meat, toast, fish, vegetables.  I guess now I eat it on just about everything.”

“Well,” says the dentist, “there is the problem.  You see Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly acidic and corrosive. That is what has eaten away your upper plate. But, never fear, I have a solution.  I’ll make you a new plate, and this time I will use chrome.”

“Why chrome?” asks the patient.

And the dentist says, “It’s simple.  Everyone knows that there’s no plates like chrome for the Hollandaise!”

Thought for the Week

Christmas is a season not only of rejoicing but of reflection. ~ Winston Churchill

Happy Friday!  Here is hoping that your sugar levels are returning to their pre=Halloween levels.  Here are some quick jokes to get you ready for the weekend.

Enjoy!

Do lions move at the end of summer because the pride goeth before the fall?

Just found out that my email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the dog.

A dad is washing the car with his son. After a few moments, the son asks his father, “Do you think we could use a sponge instead?”

Let me tell you, the day that I found out that my toaster wasn’t waterproof, I was shocked.

Every time I have a headache, I take two aspirin and keep away the children, just like the bottle says.

I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. Perhaps you have seen our posters.

Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

My wife was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that…

The question isn’t at what age I want to retire, it’s at what income.

I grew a beard thinking it would say “Distinguished Gentleman.” Instead, turns out it says, “Senior Discount, Please!”

I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.

The future, the present and the past walked into a restaurant. Things got a little tense.

Thought for the Week

“Fall is that time of year when the leaves crinkle under your feet and the air crinkles in your nose.”

Happy first Friday in October!  The year continues to march on and I continue to find more bad jokes.  Have a great weekend.

Enjoy!

I saw that this week marks the anniversary of the premiere of The Flintstones.  I have heard that people in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones.   However, people in Abu Dhabi do!

The other day I received a photo in the mail from one of those speeding cameras. I sent it right back, it was way too expensive and the quality was rather grainy.

I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said “Thanks.” I said “Don’t mention it”

Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says “I think we’ve got this joke wrong”

Communism jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets them.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey!

Is it true that koalas are not actual bears because they do not meet all the koalafications?

Whenever I’m sad I just read my blood donor ID. It always says “B positive”.

Are the last 4 letters in the word “queue” silent because they are waiting their turn?

A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, “Give me all the money or you’re geography!” The teller is quite puzzled and replies, “Don’t you mean ‘or you’re history?’” The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!”

Thought for the Week

Autumn binds poetry in its own withered leaves. ~Terri Guillemets

http://www.quotegarden.com

Happy Friday!  This week brings us to the end of September and some random jokes to kick off your weekend.

Enjoy!

I used to have a dog that would always chase people on a bike.  It got to be so bad, that I finally had to take his bike away.

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lack toes!

I called the hospital but the line was dead.

Can you make a hot dog stand if you take away its chair?

The other day I went to the Doctor.  He asked why I was there, I told him I had this strange feeling that I was a deck of cards.  He told me to go sit in the waiting room and he would deal with me in a few minutes.

Another time I went to see the doctor because I had a strawberry growing out of my arm.  The doctor gave me some cream to put on it.

I once swallowed eight plastic horses.  They admitted me to the hospital in stable condition.

I saw this really slick Spanish magician.  For his finale, he said he was going to disappear at the count of three. He started to count, “Un, dos…” then poof! He vanished without a tres.

The other day I heard music coming out of my printer.  Apparently, the paper was jamming again.

I told my wife that I could build a car out of spaghetti. She said it could not be done. She sure looked surprised as I drove pasta.

Thought for the Week

Some see a hopeless end, while others see an endless hope. ~Author Unknown

http://www.quotegarden.com