Category Archives: Friday Funny

Friday Funny February 15, 2019 Conversation Hearts

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Happy Friday! Valentine’s Day is past and now you can concentrate on finding just the President’s Day gift!  But before Valentine’s Day fades to a memory, I wanted to think about Conversation Hearts.

Enjoy!

I would imagine that you are familiar with those little, chalky conversation hearts made by Necco – the same people who brought us thin, quarter-sized chalky wafers.  Did you even notice that they were nowhere to be found this Valentine’s Day?  Necco had a rough year in 2018, abruptly shutting down in July after an investment firm bought it in a bankruptcy auction. It was purchased by Spangler Candy Co. at the end of the third quarter but that was too late to get the little candy hears back in the conversation for Valentine’s Day 2019.  Perhaps they will be back for 2020.

Did you know that a serving is 25 hearts and that equates to 100 calories that are pretty much void of any nutritional value?   The ingredients are: Sugar, Corn Syrup, Corn Starch, Gelatin, Modified Food Starch, Natural & Artificial Flavors, Gum Arabic, Xanthan Gum, FD&C Colors.  Natural & Artificial flavors? – imagine that – they are actually supposed to have flavor!

They would make changes to the sayings each year to reflect trends in culture.  So, being the helpful person that I am, I thought I would offer some suggestions for the 2020 hearts that will help them get these back on the store shelves as soon as possible.

Recipe for Disaster

Snowflake

UR Subprime

YRU Still Here

# Go Away

1000x No

#1 Hater

Woot Woot

Evil Clown

Shoo

# Not Ever

Big Twitter Fan

#1 Loser

#No Way

I Googled U

#1 Troll

Epic Fail!

U R Elitist

No Swag

#1 Bae

Selfie

Meh

Chillax

Not Legit

Thought for the Week

“Valentine’s Day is a day to reflect on love – on love lost, love gained and love long remembered.” 

 

Friday Funny February 8, 2019 Lines Not Found on Valentine’s Day Cards

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Happy Friday!  You have survived Groundhog’s Day and now it is time to get ready for Valentine’s Day!  If you are having trouble finding that card that is just right, I am here to help!  I have put together a few short verses below that I am pretty sure you will not find on a card down at the local Hallmark store, so feel free to do a little cut and past to make a unique card for that special someone in your life.

Enjoy!

Some Things You Might Not Find on a Valentine’s Day Card

Cupid has struck
With a bow from his quiver
And with my bad luck                                                                                                                                    It hit my liver

When I see you, my hands start to shake
Like when I’ve eaten bad shake ‘n bake
My heart beats fast like never before
Then I faint and hit the floor

Roses are red,                                                                                                                                                Violets are blue,                                                                                                                                            I guess wherever you are,                                                                                                                        It is Valentine’s Day too.

Fountains mingle with the rivers                                                                                                              And the rivers with the ocean                                                                                                 Valentine cards tend to be clever                                                                                                       But this one lacks emotion.

This valentine poem is a reminder
not only of how much you are treasured                                                                                        But also, that not all poems rhyme

A Few Quick Valentine Jokes

For Valentines Day think about your current and past relationships, then organize the data on a chart using an Ex-Axis and a Why-Axis.

They say that grocery store flowers on Valentine’s Day shows someone you care slightly more than not at all.

What did the paper clip say to the magnet? I find you very attractive.

What did the boy cat say to the girl cat on Valentine’s Day? You’re purrr-fect for me!

Thought for the Week

Loving is not just looking at each other, it’s looking in the same direction. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Wind, Sand, and Stars, 1939

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny February 1, 2019 Happy Groundhog Day!

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Happy Friday!  Happy Super Bowl Weekend! and Happy Groundhog Day!  I hope you are staying warm in these days of the Polar Vortex!  Maybe we will get some good news from our friendly neighborhood groundhog this weekend!

Enjoy!

Tomorrow is Groundhog Day which has got to be one of the stranger days that we “observe.”  At various locations from New York to Colorado people will gather before the sun comes up to determine whether or not a rodent will see his shadow and somehow this translates into how much more winter we will have.  This “holiday” has been around for a couple of hundred years and supposedly has its origins in ancient European weather lore where instead of a large ground squirrel, the weather was predicted by a badger or a bear.  

There will be at least 25 Groundhog Day celebrations featuring 25 different groundhogs this weekend.  Some of these groundhogs will not see their shadows and thus predict an early spring.  However other groundhogs will see their shadow and predict six more weeks of winter.  Now I will not be going to Punxsutawney, PA to see Punxsutawney Phil or even to Marion, OH to see Buckeye Chuck, I will stay warm under the covers of my bed Saturday morning.  I just looked at the calendar and noticed that it is about seven weeks until spring.

Yet groundhogs are not the only folks venturing out this weekend, here are a few that you might miss.

If Tom Brady sees his shadow does that mean he will play six more seasons?

If a US Senator sees his shadow does that means six more years of spending.?

If Brenda Snipes sees her shadow does that means six more weeks of counting votes in Broward County?

If Mark Zuckerburg sees his shadow will he also see your shadow as well?

If Cincinnati Bengals Owner Mike Brown sees his shadow does that mean it will be six more weeks before the Bengals name a Head Coach?

If Cincinnati Reds Manager David Bell sees his shadow does that mean it is eight weeks until Opening Day?

Will New Orleans Saints Receiver Tommylee Lewis see his shadow or the shadow of a  Rams Defensive Back?

If Kim Kardashian sees her shadow would I care?

Thought for the Week

The groundhog is like most other prophets; it delivers its prediction and then disappears. ~ Bill Vaughan http://www.brainyquote.com

 

Friday Funny January 18, 2018 A Touching Story About Doilies

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Happy Friday!  This week I wanted to share a very touching story about doilies.

Enjoy!

An older couple who had been married for fifty years decided that it was time to downsize as they approached retirement. As they were packing things up, the husband came across a shoe-box back in the corner of a shelf in the closet.  When he opened it, he was surprised to find two 2 doilies and three large bundles of twenty-dollar bills.  He took the shoe-box to his wife and asked her if she knew about the box.

She gave him a sheepish smile and told him about some advice she had received from her Mother before they had gotten married.  She said that her Mother had told that she should crochet a doily every time that she got mad at her husband instead of getting into an argument.

The husband was quite touched thinking about all the good and bad times they had shared over the last fifty years and that his lovely wife had only been mad twice.

“What about the three bundles of twenty-dollar bills?” he asked.  “Oh that,” she replied, “is  the money I made from selling the doilies.”

Thought for the Week

Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats. ~Voltaire   http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny January 11, 2019 Real Estate Terms

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Happy Friday!  I hope that 2019 is off to a good start for you.  This week my neighbor put his house on the market which started me thinking  about how houses for sale are described in listings and how some of those words could mean something just a little different from what one might assume. 

Enjoy! 

Breathtaking – one whiff of the basement and your eyes will water and your will cough uncontrollably.

Classic – this was a great house when in was built in 1945 and not a thing has been changed since.

Retro – you will love the avocado green appliances, shag carpeting and wagon wheel light.

Intimate – not quite large enough for your family, even if it is a family of one.

Easy Highway Access – simply back out of your driveway and voila’ you are on the entrance ramp to I-75.

Get-away – almost impossible to find and the address does not appear on any map.

Great Investment – plan on investing every dollar you make to try to get this one up-to-date.

One-of-a-kind – built by four different contractors without the aid of any blueprints.

Quiet – all the other houses on the street have been abandoned.

Mature Landscaping – you will need a machete to find the front door.

Priced to Sell – as long as you are willing to overpay.

Motivated Buyer – he is motivated to take every dollar possible from you.

Storybook – every house has a story to tell and this one could have been written by Stephen King.

Thought for the Week

We should all be concerned about the future because we will have to spend the rest of our lives there. ~Charles F. Kettering

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny January 4, 2019 I Just Started a New Job

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Happy Friday and Happy New Year!  I hope that 2019 is off to a good start and that this will turn out to be a great year for you.  In my world, I am starting the new year with a new job – so here is some new job humor to kick off Friday Funnies for 2019.

Enjoy!

I just started a new job shredding cheese, it’s grate.

I just started a new job at a factory that makes bells, the offer was very a-pealing.

I just started a new job as a window installer, it’s a real pane.

I just started a new job as a Cuban Dictator.  I’m Havana great time.

I just started a new job as a baker, I kneaded the dough.

I just started a new job with a recycling company, they made me an offer I could not refuse.

I just turned down a new job as an elevator repairman, it was just wrong on so many levels.

I just started a new job with a tree removal service, I am the branch manager.

I just started a new job with Fitbit, it seemed like a step in the right direction.

I just started a new job at an origami factory, things should be good as long as the factory does not fold.

Thought for the Week

“Be at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let every new year find you a better man.” ~ Benjamin Franklin

Friday Funny December 28, 2018 One Liners to Close Out 2018

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Happy Friday and Happy New Year!  Thank you for allowing me to share a laugh or two with you during 2018.  I hope to bring a smile to your face in 2019 and want to wish you a joyous New Year!

Enjoy!

I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me “Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace” So I gave her nothing.

I bought my son a fridge for Christmas – I couldn’t wait to see his face light up when he opened it.

My New Year’s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look thinner.

I’m good at multitasking and procrastinating, which means right now there are at least 17 things that I’m putting off until later.

Nobody ever asks how Coca-Cola is doing. It’s always, “Is Pepsi okay?”

Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.

I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I’m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I’m talking about.

What do friends and trees have in common? They both fall down when you hit them with an ax.

I don’t mean to brag but I’m helping a Nigerian Prince with a pretty serious financial matter. I can’t really talk about it.

I have an inferiority complex but it’s just not a very good one.

Thought for the Week

There are those who try to bottle the old year for safekeeping but at midnight the cork always pops. ~Terri Guillemets, “Memories old & new,” 2005

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny December 14, 2018 Some Interesting Christmas Song Lyrics

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Happy Friday!  We are at the midpoint of December and Christmas is only a couple of weeks away.  No doubt you hare hearing a lot of Holiday music, but are you really hearing the lyrics to the old, familiar songs?  Some of them make you stop and go “hmmm.”

Enjoy!

Frosty the Snowman

“Frosty the snowman was a jolly happy soul
With a corncob pipe and a button nose
And two eyes made out of coal”

I have previously stated I am not a big fan of Frosty.  That being said, this song has some seriously flawed theology, as do many popular Christmas songs by the way.  Three quick problems with the above lyrics: 1) a snowman does not have a soul, jolly or otherwise; 2) should a snowman be teaching children to smoke with his corn cob pipe?  Shouldn’t he be avoiding all forms of heat?; 3) everyone knows that a snowman’s nose is supposed to be a carrot, not a button!

The Wassail Song

“Here we come a-wassailing
Among the leaves so green,
Here we come a-wand’ring
So fair to be seen.
Love and joy come to you,
And to you your wassail, too,”

I have never in my life gone a a-wassailing and not sure I know anyone who has.  It is December, if I am among the leaves where I live, they are not green, they are brown and blowing around.

Up on the House Top

“Next comes the stocking of little Will
Oh, just see what a glorious fill
Here is a hammer and lots of tacks
Also a ball and a whip that cracks
Ho, Ho, Ho! Who wouldn’t go?
Ho, Ho, Ho! Who wouldn’t go?
Up on the housetop, click, click, click
Down through the chimney with good Saint Nick”

What better gift for a little boy than a hammer, tacks and a whip?  What could possibly go wrong here?  And while you at it, let’s all go up on the roof and try to enter the house via the chimney.

Santa Claus Is Coming to Town

“You better watch out, you better not cry
Better not pout, I’m telling you why
Santa Claus is comin’ to town
He’s making a list and checking it twice
Gonna find out who’s naughty and nice
Santa Claus is comin’ to town
He sees you when you’re sleepin’
He knows when you’re a wake
He knows if you’ve been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake”

Ominous, threatening and down-right creepy.  Let’s the kids sing this and it will not be visions of sugar plums that will be dancing through their heads.

There Is No Place Like Home for the Holidays

“Oh, there’s no place like home for the holidays
‘Cause no matter how far away you roam
When you pine for the sunshine of a friendly gaze
For the holidays you can’t beat home sweet home!

I met a man who lives in Tennessee, and he was headin’ for
Pennsylvania and some homemade pumpkin pie
From Pennsylvania folks are travellin’
Down to Dixie’s sunny shore
From Atlantic to Pacific
Gee the traffic is terrific!”

Pining is something I do not do a lot of and when the traffic is moving at 5 mph “terrific” is not how I would describe it.

We Wish You A Merry Christmas

“Now bring us some figgy pudding
Now bring us some figgy pudding
Now bring us some figgy pudding
Now bring some out here

Good tidings we bring to you and your kin
We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy new Year

We won’t go until we get some
We won’t go until we get some
We won’t go until we get some, so bring some out here”

We are at your house and we are making demands and will not leave until they are satisfied – is that the real spirit of the Season?  Of all the things to demand, not sure figgy pudding would be at the top of anyone’s list.

Thought for the Week

“It was always said of him, that he knew how to keep Christmas well, if any man alive possessed the knowledge. May that be truly said of us, and all of us! And so, as Tiny Tim observed, God Bless Us, Every One!” ~ Charles Dickens

Friday Funny November 30, 2018 That Town Was So Small….

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Happy Friday! We have made it to the end of November, the holidays are upon us and a new year is just around the corner.  

My work takes me to a lot of different places from cities to small towns.  I was recently in a small town, a really, really small town.

Enjoy!

I was in a town that was so small…….

There was a City Jail, it was called amoeba, because it only had one cell.

There was Fire Department but instead of hoses, they used water pistols. 

There was a Road Department, they spread salt on the roads using a salad shooter. 

There was a McDonald’s but it only had one Golden Arch.

There was not a 7-11, but there was a 3&1/2 – 5&1/2.

There was a Second Street but it is in the next town over.

There was a golf course, but it only  had three holes.

There used to be a zoo, but it closed when the hamster died.

The “Welcome To” and “Leaving” city limits signs are both on the same post.

They had a boxing match and both men had to sit in the same corner.

Thought for the Week

If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it. ~Andy Rooney

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny November 23, 2018 Thanksgiving Weather Forecast

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Happy Friday and Happy Thanksgiving!  I hope you were able to enjoy your Thanksgiving Day and took time to reflect on the blessings that are all too frequently easy to overlook.

Enjoy!

Thanksgiving Weather Forecast

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an
afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and
humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe
squall or cold shoulder. 

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a
knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation
of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift
across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots
on the other. Please pass the gravy. 

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for
the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the
beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and
taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the
refrigerator. 

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat
sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be
expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup
late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup
develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as
the only wish left will be the bone.

Q: Why do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
A:  Pumpkin Pi

Thought for the Week

“The year that is drawing towards its close, has been filled with the blessings of fruitful fields and healthful skies. To these bounties, which are so constantly enjoyed that we are prone to forget the source from which they come, others have been added, which are of so extraordinary a nature, that they cannot fail to penetrate and soften even the heart which is habitually insensible to the ever watchful providence of Almighty God.” – Abraham Lincoln – 1863