Category Archives: Friday Funny

Friday Funny August 16, 2019 Jokes to Float Your Boat

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Happy Friday!  We are coming into the home stretch of summer and that means many are using vacation time.  I hear a cruise is a nice vacation, so here are a few jokes to buoy your spirits.

Enjoy!

Do you have time for a joke about the world’s fastest cruise ship?  Don’t worry, it’s a quick one liner.

Is a zombie’s favorite activity on a cruise ship shuffleboard?

I hear the latest trend on cruise ships is to install trampolines in all the staterooms- apparently everyone is jumping on board.

You should you never start a conversation by talking about the Titanic.  It is a terrible ice breaker.

A passenger on a cruise ship calls the Purser’s desk and asks how he can get out of his cabin.
The Purser tells him to just open the door and walk out. The passengers replies that his cabin only has two doors. One door leads to the bathroom and the other has a “Do Not Disturb” sign on it.

A man is standing on a cruise ship deck, idly watching the water. On a nearby island, he spots somebody. He strains his eyes to see, and can make out that it is a very thin, dirty looking man with long, wild hair. He watches him jump up and down, wave, run along the beach and can even faintly make out that he man is yelling at the top of his lungs.

Intrigued, the Tourist turns to the Captain, who is standing nearby:

“So, what is up with that guy?”

The Captain shrugs. “I do not know, but he always seems pretty excited when we sail by.”

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same routine over and over again.However, the Captain had a parrot that saw the show every week and began to understand what the magician did in each and every trick. After a while, he started shouting in the middle of the show: 

“Squawk! Not the same hat!” 

“Squawk! Flowers under the table!” 

“Squawk! All cards Ace of Spades ?” 

The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything; it was the captain’s parrot, after all. 

One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days. 

After a week the parrot finally said: “Okay, I give up. What’d did you do with the ship??”

Thought for the Week

A vacation is what you take when you can no longer take what you’ve been taking. ~Earl Wilson

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

Friday Funny August 2, 2019 Joke Potpourri

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Happy Friday! Happy August!  Before summer completely slips away pause and enjoy a few jokes chosen especially for you.

Enjoy!!  

A woman had identical twins.  One of them was named ‘Amal’ and the other  was named ‘Juan.’  The father was excited and proud of both his sons; however, he only carried a picture of Juan with him to show to friends and family. One day a close friend mentioned that he would like to see a picture of Amal. The man responded, “they are identical twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.  “You’ve given me one too many,” I said.  He replied, “Well, that one is a freebie.”

I went to the library the other day and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian glanced around and whispered “They’re right behind you.”

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick instead. She still isn’t talking to me.

I got my wife a new refrigerator  for her birthday. Her face lit up when she opened it.

Have you ever noticed that, if  you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs?

I misplaced a mood ring I have had since the 1970’s and I am not quite sure how I feel about that.

I saw a story on the evening news where a cement mixer and a prison bus crashed on the highway. Police advised citizens to be on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals.

Would you call a monkey in a minefield a Baboom?

This woman went to see her doctor.  She appeared very worried stressed out. She tells the Doctor, “I don’t know what to do.  Take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What is WRONG with me??”  The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you one thing.  There is nothing wrong with your eyesight….”  

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

The sooner I fall behind, the more time I have to catch up. ~Author Unknown

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Friday Funny July 26, 2019 Opportunity Awaits!

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Happy Friday! Can it really be the end of July already?  Time certainly does fly.

It seems like we are in a job seekers market these days with a lot of places advertising their job openings.  Perhaps you have thought it might just be time to seek a new opportunity.  Well, here are a few of the more interesting job ads that are making the round on the internet.

Enjoy!

SOME INTERESTING JOB ADS

Now Hiring. Must Have a Brain

Now Hiring – Must Have Clue

Wanted: Someone to grind or chew hay for horse with bad teeth

Wanted: Looking for someone do yard work. Must have hoolahoop

Wanted: Grape Stompers.  Must Have Good Balance and Large Feet. Skinny Folk need not apply.

Wanted: Somebody to go back in time with me. This is not a joke. You’ll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not guaranteed. I have only done this once before.

edtiors watned

Piano Player Wanted. Must have knowledge of opening clams.

Surgeon wanted for a new health clinic opening in the area. No experience needed. Must have own tools.

Waitress wanted. Must be 18 years old with 20 years’ experience.

Now hiring: cemetery superintendent. The ideal candidate must be able to supervise in a fast-paced environment.

Cab drivers wanted. Must have good driving & criminal record.

Now hiring cashier. Cannot look like Skeletor from He-Man.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form. ~Stanley J. Randall

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Friday Funny July 19, 2019 A Dose of Will Rogers

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Happy Friday!  As we come to the end of another week, it seems like a good time to reflect on some words of a wise man from a few years back.

Enjoy!

What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Rail splitting produced an immortal President in Abraham Lincoln; but golf, with 20 thousand courses, hasn’t produced even a good, A number-1 Congressman.

There is no credit to being a comedian, when you have the whole Government working for you. All you have to do is report the facts. I don’t even have to exaggerate.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

About all I can say for the United States Senate is that it opens with a prayer and closes with an investigation.

The more you observe politics, the more you’ve got to admit that each party is worse than the other.

Don’t let yesterday use up too much of today.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Rumor travels faster, but it don’t stay put as long as truth.

Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for. 

Congress is so strange; a man gets up to speak and says nothing, nobody listens, and then everybody disagrees. 

Never blame a legislative body for not doing something. When they do nothing, they don’t hurt anybody. When they do something is when they become dangerous. 

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.” ~John Quinton

http://WWW.QUOTEGAREDEN.COM

Friday Funny July 12, 2019 Computer Viruses

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Happy Friday! I hope you have had a good week. I heard today about a nasty computer virus that was going around. I did a little research and found that there are quite a few computer viruses making the rounds and I wanted to share these with you in the hope that you can avoid them.

Enjoy!

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a few bytes out of your Apple.

Star Trek virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before. 

Health Insurance virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

C-nile virus – It makes your computer forget where it put your files.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus – Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back!

Couch Potato Virus – Just sits there, eating computer chips all day. 

Disney virus – Everything on the computer looks Goofy.

Economist virus – Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Airline virus: You’re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. 

Paul Revere virus – Warns you of impending hard disk attack- Once, if by LAN; twice if by C. 

PBS virus – Your computer stops every fifteen minutes to ask for a tax deductible contribution.

Politically Correct virus – Never calls itself a “virus,” but instead refers to itself as an “independent electronic micro-organism.”

Survivor Virus – Deletes your files one by one over 13 weeks until only the most annoying one remains. 

Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. 

KFC virus: makes your computer kick the bucket.

Joke Virus – poses as a harmless list of funny computer Virus names. Is quickly passed from one user to all other users via e-mail, consequently consuming all known network resources. Types of computer viruses

Thought for the Week

“Computers are like air conditioners. They work fine until you start opening windows.“~Anonymous

Friday Funny June 28, 2019 Before Computers

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Happy Friday!  We have come to the last Friday in June and 2019 is almost halfway gone!  Time continues to fly by.  Among many things that have impacted my life is the advent of computers and their effect on every aspect of life including language.

Enjoy!

Before Computers:
 
Java was what you drank in the morning
An application was something you filled out for a job
A program was on television
A cursor was someone who used profanity
A keyboard was on a piano

Memory was something that you lost with age
Uploading what was you did to a pickup truck
The only directory I knew was the yellow pages
Shareware was the hand-me-down clothes you received from relatives
Windows were what you looked out of
 
A monitor was someone who watched what you were doing
Booting up what something you did before going out in the snow
Google was a really big number that no one ever used
Yahoo was a person of questionable intelligence
Oracle was a very wise and respected person
 
Unencrypt sounded like something from a bad horror movie
Ethernet sounded like something an anesthesiologist would use
Debugging was done with insect repellent
C++ was something you did not want to see on your report card
Crashing was what you tried to avoid in your car
 
A Byte was a quick snack
Compress was something you did to garbage  
Zip was something you did to your pants
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
 
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
A backup was what you wanted to prevent in your toilet
Cut – you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider’s home

Thought for the Week

Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy.  ~Joseph Campbell

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny June 14, 2019 Things You Never Heard Dad Say

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Happy Friday!  This Sunday is Father’s Day.  If you are fortunate to have your Dad around, take time to let him know what he means to you.  If you Dad is gone, take time to reflect on a few pleasant memories that you have of him.

Enjoy!

THINGS YOU PROBABLY NEVER HEARD DAD SAY

They just don’t have enough commercials during football games.

I noticed that all your friends have a certain disrespectful and defiant attitude.  Why aren’t you more like that?

Guess I better just stop and ask for directions.

You know Sweetie, now that you’re thirteen, I think you should start dating.

Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car — GO CRAZY.

Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend … you might want to consider throwing a party.

No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring — now quit your belly-aching, and let’s go to the mall.

No why would you want to get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

Let me hold your purse while you try that on.

Let’s watch another Hallmark Christmas Movie tonight!.

Dancing to Kidz Bop at top volume is way better than listening to my boring music.

Music today is so much better than the stuff I listened to when I was your age.

I think that umpire is just doing a wonderful job today.

I have been hankerin’ for a nice salad and quiche all day.

Thought for the Week

He didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it. ~Clarence Budington Kelland

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

 

Friday Funny June 7, 2019 Dialing Up Some Laughter

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Happy Friday and welcome to June! I think we had the same phone (with a rotary dial) from the time I was born until I went away to college.  Now, you cannot get a cell phone to last the two years that it takes to pay for it.  It appears that it is just about time to replace my cell phones which had me looking for a little phone-related humor this week.

Enjoy!

I was once in a job interview when the hiring manager handed me his laptop and said, “I want you to try and sell this to me.” Well, I got up, put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home. About an hour later, he called my cell and said, “Bring my computer back right now!” I said, “$250 and it is yours.”

I recently went to a movie. I choose an aisle seat because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start, a lady gets up from the center of the row got up and starts working her way out. “Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, …” By the time she got to me, I was getting a bit perturbed, so I asked, “Couldn’t you have done this a little earlier?” “No!” she said in a loud whisper. “The ‘TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE’ message just flashed up on the screen and I left mine in the car.”

How can you tell which one of your friends has the newest iPhone? Don’t worry, they’ll be sure to let you know.

I accidentally dropped my cell phone from the balcony on the twentieth floor, fortunately it was in airplane mode.

Phones are getting thinner and smarter. People, well that is another story…

If you cross a telephone with an iron would you get a smooth operator?

Would a lobster answer the phone by saying “shello”?

Did the cell phone need to wear glasses because it had lost its contacts?

Chuck Norris’ phone never auto corrects him.

Chuck Norris can text using a rotary phone.

Chuck Norris doesn’t dial the wrong number, you pick up the wrong phone.

Thought for the Week

“Whoever said there is freedom of speech has not seen my cell phone bill.”

 

Friday Funny May 31, 2019 Kentucky Ghost Story

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Happy Friday!  I hope this finds you and yours doing well.  This week a lot of folks are dealing with the aftermath of severe storms, some of which hit the neighborhood where I grew up in Dayton, Ohio.  So, be careful when the weather turns ugly.

Be Safe!

KENTUCKY GHOST STORY

This happened a number of years ago just outside a little town in the foothills of the Appalachians.  It may sound like the story line from an Alfred Hitchcock movie; however, it is a true story.

There was a guy out hitchhiking which was not all that uncommon a few decades ago.  He was a couple of miles from the nearest town and it was very cloudy, moonless twilight, almost pitch-black.  Then to make matters even worse, a torrential thunder storm quickly developed as he made his way down the dark and lonely road. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. The rain was so hard that he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Then to his surprise, he saw a car moving slowly approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly crept toward him and stopped.  Needing a ride in the worst way, he jumped in the car and closed the door.  His relief quickly disappeared when he looked around and realized that there was no one else in the car, there was nobody behind the wheel!

The car slowly started moving again which terrified the weary hitchhiker but he was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. After a few minutes he noticed that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve.  Still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and beg for his life.  He was sure the ghost car would go off the road into who knows what.  Then, suddenly, just before the curve, a hand appeared thru the driver’s window and slowly turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Paralyzed with even more fear, he watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. When he could take no more, scared to near death, he jumped out of the car and ran to town.

Wet, tired and in shock, he went into a diner and, with a quavering voice ordered a cup of coffee. He then proceeded to tell everyone about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped the room and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth and not just some lunatic.

About half an hour later two more weary and rain-soaked guys walked into the diner.  They spot the first traveler.  One of the two turns to the other and says, “Look Elmer! There’s that yahoo who jumped in our car while we were pushing it in the rain!”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

After a certain number of years, our faces become our biographies.  ~Cynthia Ozick, The Paris Review

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Friday Funny May 24, 2019 Food Puns to Chew On

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Happy Friday!  This weekend is te unofficial start of summer!  As you relax and cook-out, please take a few minutes to reflect on why we have Memorial Day.  Here are a few food puns you can share around the grill this weekend.

Enjoy!

Did the pig go into the kitchen because he felt like bacon?

When vegetables throw a part do they hire a DJ to tunip the beet?

Did the hot-dog bun look up to the sourdough bun because he saw it as a roll model?

Did the conceited pickle think he was a really big dill?

I try to avoid sad salads because they tend to kale my vibe.

Did the ice cream truck breakdown because of the rocky road?

I don’t order Chinese tea because it takes an oolong time to brew it.

Did you hear about the angry waffle that just flipped?

I dropped a hot dog but it could have been wurst.

It always seems like thyme stands still when I am with you.

Thought for the Week

All we have of freedom, all we use or know –
This our fathers bought for us long and long ago.
~Rudyard Kipling, The Old Issue, 1899

http://www.quotegarden.com