Happy Friday!  Seems like there are a lot of exciting movies hitting the theaters lately.  Here is one you might not have heard about.

Enjoy!

It seems like superhero movies are all the rage the days with Spider-man, Fantastic Four and now even Ant-man.  Word is that Steven Spielberg has decided to do an action movie with a unique twist.  He has plans to make full-blown action movie full of guns, explosions, and heart pounding action based on the lives of famous classical composers. Of course, if he wants this movie to be a hit he’s going to need some big names from action movies. 

First he called Steven Seagal.  He told him the idea, told Seagal that he wanted him in it. Spielberg asked him which composer he would like to play.  Without hesitation he answers: “Well, I like tough guys! I wanna be a tough guy, and I think Beethoven is a tough guy! I’ll be Beethoven.”  Spielberg tells him that is great and he will get a contract to his agent.

Next Spielberg calls Sylvester Stallone.  He tells him that he is making an action movie about the classical composers.  He tells Stallone that he wants him to be in it and asks which composer he would want to play.  After a short pause, Sly answers: “Yo, I’ve always been kind of partial to Mozart. I like his style. I’ll be Mozart.”  Spielberg tells him that is great and he will get a contract to his agent.

Next Spielberg calls, Arnold Schwarzenegger. He tells him that he is making an action movie about the classical composers. He tells Arnold that he wants him to be in it and asks which composer he would want to play. After a long thoughtful silence,  Schwarzenegger replies: “I’ll be Bach”.

Thought for the Week

It’s not who I am underneath but what I do that defines me.~ Batman (Batman Begins)

After another long week in the midst of a dog eat dog world you need a laugh to start your Friday. So, here are a few cannibal jokes. Just remember that it is difficult to find tasteful cannibal jokes and once you find them it takes a lot of guts to tell them. So, for this week only – your fill of cannibal jokes.

Enjoy!

Did you hear the one about the missionary who was sent to the cannibal
tribe to give them a taste of religion?

Why did the young cannibal get expelled from school? They caught him
buttering up the teacher!

What happened at the cannibal’s wedding party? They toasted the bride
and groom!

What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner? The cold
shoulder.

Did you hear about the cannibal who loved fast food? He ordered a pizza
with everybody on it.

Two cannibals were eating dinner. One said, “I really hate my sister.”
The other said, “Well just eat the noodles then.”

A cannibal is a man who loves his neighbors, with gravy, that is.

What is a cannibal’s favorite game? Swallow the leader.

Did you hear about the down and out cannibal? He was looking for someone to give him a helping hand.

First Cannibal: Who was that lady l I saw you with last night? Second Cannibal: That was no lady, that was my supper.

Why did the cannibal eat the tightrope walker? He wanted a well-balanced meal.

What happened to the cannibal lion? He had to swallow his pride.

And, of course you know why cannibals don’t eat clowns – They taste funny!!

Two clowns are eating a cannibal, one turns to the other and says, “I think we’re doing this joke wrong…”

Thought for the Week

Well done is better than well said. ~Benjamin Franklin

Happy Friday!  The city of Cincinnati is all decked out and ready for the All-Star Game next week.  So, let’s kick off this Friday with a few, rather lame, baseball riddles.

Enjoy!

Why did the baseball player shut down his website?
He wasn’t getting any hits!

Why are most baseball games played at night?
Because bats sleep during the day!

Why are frogs good baseball players?
Because they know how to catch flies!

Why was Cinderella kicked out of the baseball game?
She ran away from the ball!

Why did the policeman go to the baseball game?
Because he heard someone had stolen a base!

What did the baseball mitt say to the ball?
Catch you later!

Why do girls like baseball?
It is the only sport played on a diamond!

Why did the baseball team hire Betty Crocker?
Because they needed a better batter!

Where does the catcher sit for dinner?
Behind the plate!

Why are some umpires fat?
They always clean their plate! 

How do baseball players keep in touch?
They touch base every once in a while!

What do you get when you cross a baseball pitcher with a carpet?
A throw rug!

When should baseball players wear armor?
When they play knight games!
 

Thought for the Week

“Things could be worse. Suppose your errors were counted and published every day, like those of a baseball player.” – Unknown

Happy Friday and Happy 4th of July!  To help you get you in the mood to celebrate the birthday of the USA, I dusted off an old Scholastic book, circa 1970 purchased for the grand sum $0.60.  (I see it is selling on the internet for a lot more than $0.60 these days) The book was edited by Bill Lawrence, an eighth grade history teacher who complied some of his favorite excepts from his students.  Here is an excerpt about The Revolutionary War.

Enjoy!

TAXACATION WITHOUT REPRESENGTON

At first the British decided they could tax us with stamps.  They told us we had to put stamps on things like legal papers, lead and paint, glass, tea, and the Bill of Rights.  We didn’t appreciate this of course.

James Otis said, “All men are created equal, and taxacation without represengton is tyranny. (Tyranny is something that the people have no voice in.) If this be treason then let’s fight like treasons!”

James Otis played an important part in the war against the British and the Americans. He fought hard against the writs of assistance.  The writ was a place where they had all the bad people in.  They was very bad people who was in there.

Otis predicted that he would be stroked by lightning someday.  He always said he hoped God would take him out in a hurry.  He said, “When I die, by God, I hope I get stroked by lightning.”  Sure enough he did, and he lost his mind.

Patrick Henry was always quoting famous too.  He was always going around quoting, “Give me liberty or give me death!” Somebody should have give it to him.

Thomas Pain, an outspoken newspaper boy, wrote something called “Common Sense,” but I’m not sure what it was all about.  All I can say is Common Sense is something a person had who doesn’t do silly things.  I don’t have Common Sense for writing this.

Thought for the Week

Then join hand in hand, brave Americans all!
By uniting we stand, by dividing we fall.
~John Dickinson

http://www.quotegarden.com

Happy Friday!  Congratulations you have made it through another week and you have earned these three free jokes at no cost and absolutely no obligation!  They are yours for free and are almost worth the price.

Enjoy!

Star of the Euphrates

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to get a loan.

Croesus said, “I’ll give you 100,000 dinars for it.”

“But I paid a million dinars for it,” the king protested. “Don’t you know who I am? I am the king!”

Croesus replied, “When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.”

William Tell

It is not widely know that evidence has been found that William Tell and his entire family were avid and quite accomplished bowlers. Unfortunately, all the families league records were destroyed in a fire, …and so we’ll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

Mahatma Gandhi

Mahatma was an inspirational figure and a renowned leader; however, he also had his peculiarities. He walked almost everywhere he went barefoot, to the point that the soles of his feet became quite thick and hard. Plus he often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn’t on a hunger strike, he did not eat much which led to him becoming quite thin and frail. Because he didn’t eat much and what he did eat consisted of a rather peculiar diet, he developed a chronic case of very bad breath. He also was a very spiritual person. All these led to him becoming a super-calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.

Thought for the Week

It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

http://www.quotegarden.com