Friday Funny April 21, 2017 Jokes You Can Sink Your Teeth Into

Happy Friday!  Spring is in the air! Baseball season is underway!  Taxes are done!  Time to have a great weekend!

Enjoy!

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

I have often wondered if bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis?

Why did the chicken cross the road?  I’m not certain but it sure was poultry in motion.

Did you see the movie about the hot dog? I heard it was an Oscar Wiener.

Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe. 

How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste! 

Why did the student eat his homework?  The teacher told him it was a piece of cake.

How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator? Footprints in the cheesecake.

What’s in an astronaut’s favorite sandwich?  Launch meat!

I asked the Maitre D’ if they served crabs.  He replied, “Yes Sir,” replied the waiter. “We’ll serve just about anybody.”

Did you hear the joke about oatmeal?  It’s a lot of mush.

Thought for the Week

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast anytime.” So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. ~Steven Wright

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny April 14, 2017 Laughing Down the Bunny Trail

Happy Friday!  Happy Easter and Happy Passover!  To be honest, the Easter Bunny has never been one of my favorite characters.  Perhaps it was the disappointment of unwrapping and biting into a nice chocolate bunny only to discover it was not solid chocolate, but only a thin, hollow shell.  But, there are some jokes about the Easter Bunny and it is Friday, so enjoy!

How can you find the Easter bunny? Eggs (x) marks the spot.

What kind of bunny can’t hop? A chocolate one.

Why did the Easter egg hide? He was a little chicken.

How did the soggy Easter Bunny dry himself? With a hare dryer!

Where does the Easter Bunny study medicine? John HOPkins University

What does the Easter Bunny get for making a basket? Two points, just like anyone else.

Is it true that the Easter Bunny get his eggs from eggplants?

Why do we paint Easter eggs? Because it is a lot easier than wallpapering them.

Would you call a mischievous Easter egg a practical yolker?

Does the Easter bunny eat really breakfast at IHOP?

Would you call ten rabbits marching backwards a receding hareline?

If you crossed the Easter Bunny with an overstressed person would you have an Easter basket case?

If you crossed the Easter Bunny with Chinese food would you get Hop suey?

Thought for the Week

Jesus Christ did not come into this world to make bad people good: He came into this world to make dead people live. ~ Lee Strobel

Friday Funny April 7, 2017 More Accountant Jokes

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Happy Friday!  It is time for my annual public service announcement to remind you that time is running out to file your 2016 tax return.   While you are getting all those numbers lines up, this is a perfect opportunity to poke a little fun at the accountants out there, myself included.

Enjoy!

How does an accountant stay out of debt? He learns to act his/her wage.

What’s grey and not there? An accountant on vacation.

How do accountants make a bold fashion statement? Wear their dark grey socks instead of the light grey.

Just remember that It’s accrual world out there so be audit you can be!

Is it true that homeless accountants live in tax shelters?

What do you call an accountant without a spreadsheet? Lost.

How can you tell it an introverted accountant from an extroverted accountant? An introverted accountant looks at his shoes when he talks to you while an extroverted accountant looks at your shoes while he’s talking to you.

Did you hear the joke about the extremely charismatic and interesting accountant? I haven’t either.

If you read your son the story of Cinderella and when you get to the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden carriage, he asks you “Daddy, is that ordinary income or a capital gain?”  He just might grow up to be an accountant.

A woman goes to the doctor and is told that she only has 6 months left to live.
Quite alarmed, the woman asks the doctor, “What shall I do?!”
“If I were you, I would marry an accountant,” suggested the doctor.
“And that will make me live longer? asked the woman. 
“It won’t make you live any longer,” replied the doctor. “But it will undoubtedly be the longest six months of your life.”

Thought for the Week

Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today. ~Herman Wouk

http://www.quotegarden.com

A Left Handed Compliment

Baseball season is upon us!  Once again all fans are full of hope that this will be “the year” for their team ….even if those hope are destined to be dashed before the end of May.  

As far back as I can remember, I have enjoyed baseball.  I can remember being disappointed in second grade when many of my classmates were old enough to play baseball, but because my birthday was after the cutoff date the only thing I could do was wait for one more long year to play on a team.  

But before I ever put on a hot, scratchy, wool Little League uniform, I had played hours upon hours of baseball.   I do almost everything right-handed; however, anything with a two-handed grip, I do left-handed.  There are advantages to batting left-handed:  it puts you a step closer to first base plus your momentum is  already carrying you towards first base as you follow-through on your swing.  Despite the advantages, there is only one reason why I bat left-handed: my big brother is left-handed.  

If you have an older brother, the odds are that you looked up to him when you were little.  Having a brother who is eight years older gave me a lot to look up to.  He was always bigger, faster, stronger, smarter than I was.  Of course there were times when he could be a pain – literally – like the time he said he was going to teach me to box which was really just an excuse to hit me for a while.  But I looked up to him and I wanted to be like him, so I started batting left-handed and always have.

He threw me an awful lot of batting practice and he had some unique approaches to teaching the art of hitting.  His cure for when I was afraid of getting hit by a pitch? He would  deliberately throw at me!  If I hit the pitch then it did not hit me.  I suppose there some twisted logic there somewhere.

I have three adult sons and two of them have always batted left-handed (the oldest just would not get with the program).  So, thanks Mike, for sharing your love of baseball with your little brother and for teaching me that “left is best.”

Friday Funny March 31, 2017 In The Names of Love

Happy Friday!  I believe it was Alfred Lord Tennyson who said, “In the Spring a young man’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love.”  There are also times when said young man should have taken just a moment to think about how the names would look like on the wedding announcements.  Here are a few of my favorites.

Enjoy!

Flem-Green

Gorey – Butcher

Golden-Showers

Moore-Bacon

Looney – Warde

Hardy-Harr

MacDonald-Berger

Burger-King

Wendt-Adaway

Broeker-Nuckles

Gowen-Geter

Hunt-Kapture

Poore-Sapp

Ruff-Goings

Rather-Grim

House-Reckker

Thought for the Week

“Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love. “~Albert Einstein

http://www.quotegarden.com

What’s in Your Glove Compartment?

There are many things that have changed in automobiles over the last few decades.  No longer will you find a button on the floor that turns your high beams on and off.  No longer do you have toggle switches on the dash to activate your wiper blades.  No longer will you find little vent wing windows that swing in for some non-powered ventilation.  However, one thing that you will still find in your automobile is a glove compartment.  You know that built-in box in the dash on the passenger side that holds your instruction book, your insurance card, your registration, your tire pressure gauge, a box of tissues, various fuses and bulbs for the car.  You know that box that holds almost anything and everything with the exception of gloves!

So why do we call it a glove box?  Apparently, we owe this term to a lady by the name of Dorothy Levitt, an early motorcar enthusiast.  She held the female land speed record and in 1905 established the record for the longest drive achieved by a lady driver.  She was ahead of her times when she recommended that women keep a hand-mirror in a convenient place when driving to and hold it up occasionally so that one could see behind while driving in traffic several years before manufacturer introduced the rear-view mirror.  Ms. Levitt also advised motorists to carry a number of pairs of gloves to deal with many eventualities.  Where would motorists store said gloves when not in use?  Why in that box at the front of course and thus we have the glove compartment.

Many trinkets and gadgets have come and gone in cars over the years.  The odds are that today’s “must haves” may very well be tomorrow’s “Long-forgottens.”  Yet for more than a hundred years and perhaps a hundred more, we have Dorothy Levitt to thank for the ubiquitous if  not quite aptly named glove box.

Friday Funny March 24, 2017 Spring Jokes that Will Grow on You!

Happy Friday! Spring has officially arrived!  you have officially survived yet another round with Old Man Winter!  With spring in the air, it seemed like a good time for a little gardening humor.

Enjoy!

This spring I have decided to get serious about gardening.  But there is a bit of a mystery.  Every time I go out to my flower beds it looks like someone has dumped additional soil on them. I am clueless as to who is doing; the plot thickens.

I am hoping that I can grow as much green stuff in my garden as I do in my refrigerator. 

Since I am relatively new to gardening I have accepted the fact that I will most likely be learning by trowel and error. 

When I went to the garage looking for my light, spring jacket I discovered that I had left a packet of seeds in one of my pockets and it had into a Chia jacket!

Just yesterday I went to Lowe’s to buy some gardening supplies.  At first I found the gardening section to be a hosta environment.  But then I saw Michael J. Fox!  I am pretty sure it was him, he had his back to the fuchsias.

I did purchase a couple of fruit trees and to help me get started they even threw in some insects to aid with pollination. Yep, they were free bees.

On my way out I ran into a research assistant who had not been able to do any plant experiments, it appears that he hadn’t botany.

However, I do have a fear of roses.  I realize, for a gardener, this is a thorny issue. I’m not sure what it stems from, but it seems that I am stuck with it.

Did you know that in  some conifer forests, you can’t cedar wood for the trees?

Thought for the Week

“It was one of those March days when the sun shines hot and the wind blows cold: when it is summer in the light, and winter in the shade.” ~Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

My Elite Club

I consider myself a pretty regular guy, most of the time.  However, today I just feel the need to brag a little bit about a pretty exclusive club that I am in and have been in for decades.  In 1980 I became a member of the National Whisker Association.  I still have my membership certificate that is signed by the well-known and widely respected Smith Brothers.  You may be aware that Trade Smith and Mark Smith made their fortune selling cough drops and if you ever saw their faces on those cough drop boxes, you know that they sported pretty amazing whiskers of their own.

I joined back when I was known to sport a pretty decent mustache.  If I tried to bring back the ‘stache I am afraid it would be all gray these days.  So, although clean-shaven, I am still a member of the Association.   This club is so selective that it is closed to new members.  Plus it is so secretive that Google searches turn up almost no information about it.  I apologize if my statements are causing you pangs of jealousy, but these are the plain and simple facts about the National Whisker Association.  However, if the occasion arises where you need to name drop in order to impress someone, you can mention that you actually know of someone who is a member in good standing of the National Whisker Association and I give you permission to give them my name.  While you are at it, tell them to sign up to follow this blog!

Perhaps through this I can connect with other members in good standing out there, perhaps we could even resurrect a local chapter and have meetings and secret handshakes and so forth.  Sometimes it is kind of fun to a member of an exclusive club! Speaking of exclusive clubs, I wonder if I still have my membership certificate for the Banana Splits Fan Club…

 

Friday Funny March 17, 2017 Happy St. Patrick’s Day

Happy Friday!  Last weekend the clocks sprung forward, next week brings the official start of spring and today is St. Patrick’s Day.  While I do not claim to be Irish, I will certainly take advantage of the occasion to pass along a few jokes.

Enjoy!

Q: What do you get when you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A: A rash of good luck.

Q: What’s Irish and stays outside all summer?
A: Paddy O’Furniture.

Q: What would you get if you crossed Quasimodo with an Irish football player?
A: The Half-back of Notre Dame!

Q: What happens when a leprechaun falls into a river?
A: He gets wet!

Q: Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland?
A: He couldn’t afford plane fare.

I did not remember to wear green on St. Patrick’s Day, but I am wearing blue pants and a yellow shirt, so pretty much the same thing. 

To celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, my wife made green meatloaf. I asked her how she colored it …she said she didn’t know what I was talking about. 

An Irishman by the name of O’Mally proposed to his girl on St. Patrick’s Day. However, the ring he proposed with was only a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, who, as luck would have it, was a jeweler. He took one look at it and knew it wasn’t not genuine. 
The young lass, on learning it wasn’t real, returned to her beau and protested vehemently about his cheapness. 
He simply smiled and said “It is St. Patrick’s Day, so I gave you a sham rock.”

Thought for the Week

Never iron a four-leaf clover.  You don’t want to press your luck!

What’s In a Name? Candy

I will admit that I have always had a sweet tooth and I have the fillings to prove it!  Part of my problem is that I like all kinds of candies: hard candies, soft candies, chocolates, caramel, pretty much anything.  The other day I was eating some Jordan Almonds and doubting seriously that the almonds I was munching on come off trees in Jordan, although it would be pretty neat if nuts had a candy coating instead of a hard, uneatable shell.  The story is that Jordan almonds originated in ancient Rome, where honey-covered almonds were introduced by a Roman baker and confectioner named Julius Dragatus who while an accomplished confectioner, was not a very good geographer.

Jordan almonds are not alone in having a confusing moniker.  What about Boston Baked Beans?  There are no beans involved, they are candy coated peanuts distributed by a company based in Illinois.  Then there are Swedish fish.  There is no trace, thankfully, of fish in Swedish fish.  This candy is a fish-shaped, chewy candy that was originally developed by a Swedish candy in the late 1950’s for the American market.  This also lead me to think about cow-tails which, again thankfully are not candy covered tail but a long cream-filled caramel.

You probably never really thought that the Three Musketeers bar had musketeers as an ingredient, where would one find musketeers in this day and age anyway?  However, this name makes even less sense that it originally did.  Originally, Three Musketeers was named because it had three flavors, there was a chocolate pieces, a vanilla piece and a strawberry piece.  But due to wartime rationing, the vanilla and strawberry pieces were dropped leaving chocolate as the lone musketeer.  I guess the “all for one” was replaced by the “one for all.”

The point is that there are many candy names that do not make a lot of sense.  Some candy names have led me to erroneous geographic impressions of the world; unfortunately this does not dissuade me from consuming more candy than I should.