Category Archives: Friday Funny

Friday Funny May 13, 2016 Signs You Have Picked a Bad Motel

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Happy Friday the 13th!  Now that winter is behind us and Memorial Day is just around the corner, perhaps it is time to start planning for vacation travel.  Unfortunately, despite your best planning, sometimes, your choice of lodging does not always work out as well as planned.  If you pull up to your destination for the evening and have second thoughts, here are some signs to help you decide if you have picked a bad motel.

Enjoy!

  1. The parking lot is gravel.
  2. Sign out front proudly proclaims that the motel has air conditioning and a color TV.
  3. At check-in you are informed that all “non-infested” rooms have been taken.
  4. George Washington really did sleep there.
  5. Complimentary newspaper in the lobby has headline “Nixon Resigns.”
  6. Coffee syrup is available twenty-four hours a day.
  7. The mint on the pillow runs away when the light is turned on.
  8. The pictures on the walls are strategically placed over bullet holes.
  9. You have to wait until the guy next door is done with the towel so you can use it.
  10. There’s a chalk outline on the floor and part of the room is blocked off with yellow tape.
  11. Wakeup call is provided by police helicopters.
  12. Occasionally the lights dim, and a man’s muffled screams can be heard in the distance.
  13. The pool doubles as a wet lands wildlife habitat.
  14. Hotel clerk has an eerie resemblance to Norman Bates.

Thought for the Week

And that’s the wonderful thing about family travel:  it provides you with experiences that will remain locked forever in the scar tissue of your mind.  ~Dave Barry

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny May 6, 2016 Things Mom Did Say

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Happy Friday!  This weekend brings us that day when we celebrate Mothers.  There are many things that Mom told us when we were little.  Here are a few of her “greatest hits.”

Enjoy!

There are two options for dinner  – take it or leave it.

Do you want me to give you something to cry about?

Don’t you get smart with me.

What part of “no” do you not understand?

I don’t care who started it.  You stop it now!

“I don’t know” is not an answer.

You WILL eat it and you WILL like it!

You will have fun even if it kills you!

I brought you into this world and I can take you out.

Do I look like a maid?

Is it my job to pick up after you?

A little birdy told me that….

A little soap and water never killed anybody.

Answer me when I ask you a question!

Are you going out dressed like that?

Bored! How can you be bored? I was never bored at your age.

Don’t make me come in there!

Don’t use that tone with me!

Don’t you have anything better to do?

Go to your room and don’t come out until you can behave.

I’ll treat you like an adult when you start acting like one.

I’m down to my last nerve.

Do you think your socks are going to pick themselves up?

Don’t go out with a wet head, you’ll catch cold.

Don’t pick that scab, it’ll get infected.

How do you know you don’t like it if you haven’t tasted it?

If you’re too sick to go to school, you’re too sick to play outside.

Put that down! You don’t know where it’s been!

Someone is going to end up crying.

When you have your own house then you can make the rules!

You can’t find it? Well, if you’d put things where they belonged, you wouldn’t have this problem.

You don’t always get what you want. It’s a hard lesson, but you might as well learn it now.

Don’t EVER let me catch you doing that again!

You could grow potatoes in those ears!

You will ALWAYS be my baby.

You’re going to put your eye out with that thing!

Your father is going to hear about this when HE gets home!

Thought for the Week

A mother understands what a child does not say. ~Author Unknown

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny April 29, 2016 Prom Humor

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We are in the midst of prom season.  So, this Friday I thought we could go with a little prom related humor,  But first, here is a little tip as an added bonus.  Perhaps you really do not know your prom date that well and would like to get to know better before the big day.  Follow this simple plan:  just ask her ask about her first pet, her favorite movie & perhaps her mother’s maiden name.  With these few pieces of information, you can login and read all her emails!

Enjoy!

Who did the zombie take to the Prom?  His Ghoul-friend!

Here are a few songs you are probably hoping you will not be hearing at your prom:

“The Chicken Dance Song”

“Achy Breaky Heart”– Billy Ray Cyrus

“Who Let the Dogs Out?” – Baha Men

“Another One Bites the Dust” – Queen

“You’ve Got to Be Cruel to Be Kind” – Nick Lowe

“Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting” – Carl Douglas

“Ain’t Gonna Bump No More (With No Big Fat Woman) – Joe Tex

A Prom Joke

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom.

First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to go pick up some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and wouldn’t you know it, there is another long line there. He waits for what seems like forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Now, it is onto the limo rental place. Of course, he is greeted by another long line at the rental office, but he tries his best to be patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. He and his date are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and ……….. there’s no punchline.

Thought for the Week

Adolescence is a period of rapid changes.  Between the ages of 12 and 17, for example, a parent ages as much as 20 years.  ~Author Unknown

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

Friday Funny April 22, 2016 Polly Wants A Joke

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Happy Friday!  Spring is in the air and tax day is behind us!  You don’t want a cracker, you want a joke or two.

Enjoy!

Movies

A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a parrot sitting next to him.

“Are you a parrot?” asked the man, surprised.

 “Yes.”

 “What are you doing at the movies?”

 The parrot replied, “Well, I liked the book.”

Pet Shop

 One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot.

The pet shop owner takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one.

The man asks, ”How much is the yellow one?”

The owner says, ” $2,000.”

The man is shocked and asks the owner why it’s so expensive. The owner explains, ”This parrot is a very special one. He knows basic bookkeeping and accounting!”

”What about the green one?” the man asks.

The owner says, ”He costs $5,000 because he can prepare financial statements and prepare tax returns.”

”What about the red one?” the man asks.

The owner says, ”That one’s $10,000.”

The man asks, ”What does HE do?”

The owner says, ”I have not actually ever seen him do anything, but the other two call him Partner.” 

Parrot Auction

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid – the fine bird was finally his! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, “I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can’t talk!” “Don’t worry”, said the Auctioneer, “He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?”

Thought for the Week
 You may say a cat uses good grammar. Well, a cat does — but you let a cat get excited once; you let a cat get to pulling fur with another cat on a shed, nights, and you’ll hear grammar that will give you the lockjaw. Ignorant people think it’s the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain’t so; it’s the sickening grammar they use. ~Mark Twain, A Tramp Abroad

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny April 15, 2016 Many Happy Returns

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It is THAT time of year.  This Friday brings us to April 15 and here is hoping you have your taxes finished.  If not, the good news is that this year you have an additional three days to get everything in order by the eighteenth.  So, with that little bit of “good” news, I leave you a few hopefully humorous thoughts about taxes.

Enjoy! 

The futility of riches is stated very plainly in two places: the Bible and the Form 1040.

Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth – less 40 percent inheritance tax.

If my business gets much worse, I won’t have to lie on my next tax return.

There is no child so bad that he/she can’t be used as an income tax deduction.

The path of civilization is paved with tax receipts.

A fool and his money are soon parted. The rest of us wait until April 15 or, as is the case this year, April 18.

Golf is a lot like taxes. You drive hard to get to the green and then wind up in the hole.

The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf.

The income tax forms have been simplified beyond all understanding.

After a man pays his income tax, he knows how a cow feels after she’s been milked.

Suppose we had to pay on what we think we are worth?

George Washington never told a lie, but then he never had to file a Form 1040.

The guy who said that truth never hurts never had to fill out a Form 1040.

Come to think of it, these income-tax forms leave little to the imagination and even less to the taxpayer.

Filling out your own income tax return is something like a do-it-yourself mugging.

Behind every successful man stands a woman and the IRS. One takes the credit, and the other takes the cash.

A lot of people still have the first dollar they ever made – Uncle Sam has all the others.

A harp is a piano after taxes.

Of course you can’t take it with you, and with high taxes, lawyer’s fees, and funeral expenses you can’t leave it behind either.

A dime is a dollar with all the various taxes deducted.

The reward for saving money is being able to pay our taxes without borrowing.

A political promise today means another tax tomorrow.

Patrick Henry ought to come back and see what taxation with representation is like.

There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.

We wonder why they call them “tax returns” when so little of it does.

The best things in life are still free, but the tax experts are working overtime on the problem.

Thought for the Week

It’s about ten times the size of the Bible — and unlike the Bible, contains no good news. ~Don Nickles, about the Internal Revenue Code

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny April 8, 2016 Strange Music

lgs

Happy Friday!  Spring is officially here now that the baseball season is underway!  Even though the temperatures are below normal and some snow is expected to fall this weekend, warmer temps will be here soon and it will back to cutting the grass and working in the yard.  But for this weekend just keep warm!  This week, I have a strange tale that I wish to submit for your perusal.

Enjoy!

STRANGE MUSIC!

In the middle of the night, Bob was awakened from a deep sleep by an odd and unfamiliar noise.  He shook the fogginess from his head and wondered. What was that  noise? Why, it sounded like strange music was coming from somewhere inside his house. But that was impossible! He knew that he was all alone.

He paused and strained to hear – there it was again, it seemed to be coming from right outside the bedroom door. It was definitely music, something that he had heard before, but yet he just could not put his finger, or in this case his ear, on it.  One thing was certain, it wasn’t coming from his stereo or his phone; he knew there wasn’t anything remotely like it in his CD collection or among his downloads.  Bob was an oldies rock kind of guy and this was definitely not oldies rock.

He was caught off guard again when suddenly, there was an outburst of laughter almost as if a big party was taking place downstairs.  He could hear muffled voices and hoots
echoing off the walls as the volume increased.

He began to feel panicky and clutched the sheets tightly in fear, pulling them up over his head in a vain attempt to try to block out the noise that was now rolling through the empty house.  He thought to himself that maybe this was a dream, just a figment of his imagination or some indigestion manifesting itself in some odd way.  If he could just wake up, this would all be over. 

He had almost convinced himself of this when to his astonishment the bedroom door flew open, the door knob hitting the wall with an emphatic thud!

He nearly jumped out his skin as he shook violently under the sheets.  His heart was pounding to the point that he thought he might just leap out of his chest.

“Who’s there?” he asked muttered.  But there was no answer as the music grew louder and the racket continued unabated from below.  Now he thought he was going mad or perhaps on the verge of a nervous breakdown.  He was absolutely positive that house was empty and that he was its only occupant.  Yet, the music continued rowing louder and more distinct: um-pum-pum, um-pum-pum. UM-PUM-PUM, UM-PUM-PUM!

Almost petrified with fear, he managed to inched his way out of bed, trembling as he moved toward the now open door. As he crossed the floor, laughter erupted.  He
whipped his head from side to side looking for any sign of someone else in the house with him.

Now, he know that wafting up from downstairs was the sound of accordions and drums blasting an incessant beat into his terrified brain as he continue to slowly edge his way down the hallway.

He saw nothing. No lights, no flickering shadows. Now, he knew that he had to be
losing his mind. That annoying beat, repetitious and boring. That oddly familiar beat with the accent on the last half. Most unusual!

He felt his way to the top of the stairs.  He dared not turn on any lights for fear he might see something he really didn’t want to confront.  He peered into the darkness. Still as death, he thought, and quickly wiped that unfortunate choice of metaphor from
his mind.

Now he had made his way quietly down the stairs.  He reached for the switch. He could not stand being in the dark literally and figuratively any longer.  As his fingers searched, something cold and slimy clamped itself over his hand. He reeled back in horror as something laughed in his ear.

Then something glowing flashed in front of his face and flew up the stairs. A cold, thin tendril wrapped around his ankles and slithered up his leg. He was cemented to the floor. His eyes were wide with terror as the laughter and the music reached ear-splitting
levels.

Now it finally dawned on him. Of course. He had been so stupid. He realized that he should have stayed in bed, maybe then he would have had a chance. But now it was too late. A scream erupted from his tortured lips as he slipped to the floor.

Um-pum-pum, um-pum-pum. UM-PUM-PUM! UM-PUM-PM! That beat again! It was pounding mercilessly into his very soul. He watched in dread fascination as one of his feet began to jerk back and forth uncontrollably in time to the music. They were inside his body now.

It took every ounce of strength he had left to feebly form one word and force it from his lips……“Polka-geist!”

Thought for the Week

The purpose of life is a life of purpose. ~Robert Byrne

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny April 1 2016 April Fools Day

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Happy Friday!  Happy April Fools Day!  How nice to have a day when we can all celebrate being a little silly.  While it seems there is no real consensus on the origin of April Fool’s Day, it does have a long and storied history.  The creative spirit of this day goes well beyond the little practical jokes we play on each other.  Over the years there have been many publications and broadcasts that have joined in on the fun.  The Museum of Hoaxes has complied a list of the 100 greatest April Fools Day Hoaxes of All Time.  You can find the complete list at http://hoaxes.org/aprilfool/P40.  I have chosen several of my favorites from their list to share with you this week.  I remember, at some point, hearing about the spaghetti harvest and I recall the Sports Illustrated article about the amazing Sidd Finch.  I even learned something myself this week as I read about rickrolling.  Wishing you an enjoyable April Fools Day.

Enjoy!

SOME OF THE GREATEST APRIL FOOLS HOAXES

 Sidd Finch – The April 1985 issue of Sports Illustrated revealed that the New York Mets had recruited a rookie pitcher named Sidd Finch who could throw a baseball at 168 mph — 65 mph faster than the previous record. Surprisingly, Sidd Finch had never played baseball before, but he had mastered the “art of the pitch” in a Tibetan monastery. Mets fans couldn’t believe their good luck and, accepting at face value the peculiarities of Sidd Finch’s past, flooded Sports Illustrated with requests for more information. But in reality this amazing player only existed in the imagination of author George Plimpton, who had left a clue in the sub-heading of the article: “He’s a pitcher, part yogi and part recluse. Impressively liberated from our opulent life-style, Sidd’s deciding about yoga —and his future in baseball.” The first letter of each of these words, taken together, spelled “H-a-p-p-y A-p-r-i-l F-o-o-l-s D-a-y — A-h F-i-b”.

YouTube Rickrolls the Internet – The Rickrolling prank involves tricking a person into clicking a link that leads them to a clip of Rick Astley singing “Never Gonna Give You Up.” For instance, a person might think they’re clicking a link to see a preview of a new movie, but instead Rick Astley appears on their screen, singing his 1987 hit single. The prank became hugely popular in late-2007 and for a while seemed to be nearly ubiquitous online. But on 1 April 2008, YouTube took the joke to an entirely new level when the company redirected all the featured videos on its front page to Astley’s clip. It was, without a doubt, the most extensive Rickroll of all time. As many people noted, the site had, because of its huge audience, essentially succeeded in Rickrolling the entire Internet. (Psst, hey buddy, check out this breaking news link!) Breaking News Alert

Tasmanian Mock Walrus – April 1, 1984: The Orlando Sentinel featured a story about a creature known as the Tasmanian Mock Walrus (or TMW for short) that many people in Florida were said to be adopting as a pet. The creature was four inches long, resembled a walrus, purred like a cat, and had the temperament of a hamster. What made it such an ideal pet was that it never had to be bathed, used a litter box, and ate cockroaches. In fact, a single TMW could entirely rid a house of its cockroach problem. However, the local pest-control industry was said to be pressuring the government to ban TMWs, fearing they would put cockroach exterminators out of business. Dozens of people called the paper trying to find out where they could obtain their own TMW. Skeptics noted that the photo of a TMW accompanying the article showed a creature that looked suspiciously similar to a Naked Mole Rat.

How To Cook A Unicorn – April 1, 2012: The British Library, on its Medieval Manuscripts Blog, announced the “near-miraculous” discovery in its archives of a long-lost medieval cookbook that included a recipe for how to cook a unicorn. “Taketh one unicorne,” began the instructions, and then marinade it in cloves and garlic before finally roasting it on a griddle. The cookbook even included hand-drawn illustrations, which the library reproduced, showing exactly how the unicorn should be grilled. The compiler of the cookbook was said to be one “Geoffrey Fule,” who worked in the kitchens of Philippa of Hainault, Queen of England from 1328-1369.

Dutch Elm Disease Infect Redheads – April 1, 1973: BBC Radio broadcast an interview with an elderly academic, Dr. Clothier, who discoursed on the government’s efforts to stop the spread of Dutch Elm Disease. Dr. Clothier revealed that some startling discoveries had recently been made. For instance, he referred to the research of Dr. Emily Lang of the London School of Pathological and Environmental Medicine who had found that exposure to Dutch Elm Disease immunized people to the common cold. Unfortunately, there was a side effect. Exposure to the tree disease also caused red hair to turn yellow and eventually fall out. This was attributed to a similarity between the blood count of redheads and the soil conditions in which affected trees grew. Therefore, Dr. Clothier warned that redheads should stay away from forests for the foreseeable future. Dr. Clothier was in reality the comedian Spike Milligan.

The Taco Liberty Bell – April 1, 1996: The Taco Bell Corporation took out a full-page ad that appeared in six major newspapers announcing it had bought the Liberty Bell and was renaming it the Taco Liberty Bell. Hundreds of outraged citizens called the National Historic Park in Philadelphia where the bell was housed to express their anger. Their nerves were only calmed when Taco Bell revealed, a few hours later, that it was all a practical joke. The best line of the day came when White House press secretary Mike McCurry was asked about the sale. Thinking on his feet, he responded that the Lincoln Memorial had also been sold. It would now be known, he said, as the Ford Lincoln Mercury Memorial.

The Swiss Spaghetti Harvest – April 1, 1957: The respected BBC news show Panorama announced that thanks to a very mild winter and the virtual elimination of the dreaded spaghetti weevil, Swiss farmers were enjoying a bumper spaghetti crop. It accompanied this announcement with footage of Swiss peasants pulling strands of spaghetti down from trees. Huge numbers of viewers were taken in. Many called the BBC wanting to know how they could grow their own spaghetti tree. To this the BBC diplomatically replied, “place a sprig of spaghetti in a tin of tomato sauce and hope for the best.” Even the director-general of the BBC later admitted that after seeing the show he checked in an encyclopedia to find out if that was how spaghetti actually grew (but the encyclopedia had no information on the topic). The broadcast remains, by far, the most popular and widely acclaimed April Fool’s Day hoax ever, making it an easy pick for number one.

Boimate – April 1, 1983: New Scientist ran an article about the first successful “plant-animal hybrid” that had resulted in a tomato containing genes from a cow. The cow-tomato was said to have a “tough leathery skin” and grew “discus-shaped” clumps of animal protein sandwiched between an envelope of tomato fruit. The article included clues that it was a joke, such as the names of the researchers, MacDonald and Wimpey, who supposedly worked at the University of Hamburg. But these clues weren’t recognized by the Brazilian science magazine Veja which ran a feature about the new cow-tomato hybrid several weeks later. Veja dubbed the hybrid “Boimate,” and even created a graphic to show how the cow-tomato hybridization process occurred. The magazine was subsequently relentlessly ridiculed in the Brazilian media, until it eventually apologized for its “unfortunate mistake.”

Thought for the Week

April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four. ~Mark Twain, Pudd’nhead Wilson

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny March 25, 2016 More T-Shirt Philosophy

lgs

Happy Friday!  Happy Easter!  Congratulations you have officially survived another winter!!  The days are getting a little longer, the temperatures are getting a little warmer, the grass is getting a little greener – spring is on the way!  As the temperature warms, we will start to see more short sleeve shirts and more T-shirts.  Many folks express a variety of thoughts and feeling with their choice of T-shirt slogans.  Below are some of my favorite.

Enjoy!

Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up

Procrastinate Now!

My Dog Can Lick Anyone

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

Apathy, I could take it or leave it

An apple a day still leaves you 2-4 servings short of your daily fruit recommendations

The Constitution: I Read it for the Articles

Hyperbole is the BEST thing ever!

Pavlov:  The Name that Rings a Bell

Scuba Diving: Keep your friends close and your anemones closer

When Life Gives You Scurvy, Make Lemonade

Ambiguity: What Happens in Vagueness Stays in Vagueness

You say tomato, I say tomato. Doesn’t make much sense when you read it

Free Tibet (with purchase of another Tibet of equal or greater value)

Thought for the Week

Our Lord has written the promise of the resurrection, not in books alone, but in every leaf in spring-time.  ~Martin Luther

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

Friday Funny March 18, 2016 Thirteen Lucky Leprechaun Jokes

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Happy Friday!  This week brought us to St. Patrick’s Day.  While everyone knows about the Blarney Stone and shamrocks, many are not familiar with who Patrick really was.  If you do not know his rather fascinating story, you can find it in his own words at the following link: http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18482/18482-h/18482-h.htm#chap01.

Although I am not Irish, I could not resist rounding up some leprechaun jokes for you this week.

Enjoy! 

What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a four-leaf clover? A rash of good luck.

What do you get when you do the Irish jig at McDonalds? A Shamrock Shake

Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun? Because they’re always a little short.

Why don’t you iron 4-Leaf clovers? Because you don’t want to press your luck. 

What did the leprechaun do for a living? He was a short-order cook.

Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland? He couldn’t afford plane fare.

What did one Irish ghost say to the other? “Top o’ the moaning!”

Where would you find a leprechaun baseball team? In the Little League, at Shortstop!

What do you call a leprechaun’s vacation home? A lepre-condo!

What do you call a leprechaun with a sore throat? A streprechaun!

What would you get if you crossed a leprechaun with a seashell? A lepre-conch!

What do you call a leprechaun who disappears? A lepre-gone!

What would you get if you crossed a leprechaun with a yellow vegetable? Lepre-corn!

Thought for the Week

May your blessings outnumber
The shamrocks that grow,
And may trouble avoid you
Wherever you go.
~Irish Blessing

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

Friday Funny March 11, 2016 Bad Joke Day

lgs

Happy Friday!  We have made it through another week, maybe it has been a good week for you, maybe it has not been so great.  Perhaps you even had a “bad hair” day this week.  The truth is that some days are good and some days aren’t.  Which brings us to the Friday Funny, this is a “bad joke” day.  I know you thought all Fridays were “bad joke” days didn’t you?  Well, this may very well prove that some are even worse than others, even I cannot bring my “A Game” every week.

Enjoy!

The Energizer Bunny just got arrested……they charged him with battery.

I went to a wedding that was so beautiful…..even the cake was in tiers.

Did you hear they opened a restaurant on the moon?…..The food is great, but there was just no atmosphere.

What did the Buffalo say when his son left?…..Bison!

What did the mountain climber name his son?….Cliff.

I was thinking about moving to Moscow…..but I figure there is no point Russian into things.

Today, a lady said she recognized me from the vegetarian club….but I never met herbivore.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight?…..He was well armed!

What do you call a cow with two legs?…..lean beef!

What do you call a cow with no legs?….ground beef!

Why does a milking stool only have three legs?…..because the cow has the udder.

I am terrified of elevators….I plan on taking steps to avoid them!

I have heard an awful lot of apocalypse jokes lately….people are telling them like there is no tomorrow!

It looks like my cat is sick….he doesn’t seem to be feline well.

What is big, green, fuzzy,  has four legs and would kill you if it fell out a tree on you?…a pool table!

What has five legs, three eyes and two tails?…..A dog with spare parts.

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?…..He pasta way.

Thought for the Week

“If you don’t think every day is a good day, just try missing one.” ~Cavett Robert

http://www.quotegarden.com