Category Archives: Friday Funny

Friday Funny April 10, 2015 Get Ready to Heckle!

Happy Friday! Another baseball season is underway. Few things are more enjoyable than a trip to the old ball yard to take in a game and to help get you in mid-season form for your next game, here are some lines that you can throw at the pitchers and hitters.

Enjoy!

FOR PITCHERS
I’ve seen better arms on the Venus de Milo! I’ve seen better arms on a beanbag chair! I’ve seen better pitchers in Kool-Aid Commercials. I’ve seen more heat in an EZ-bake oven! I’ve seen more heat in a toaster! You couldn’t save a Word file! You couldn’t save anything at Wal-Mart! You couldn’t hold your dogs lead! I’ve seen better curves on a square! I’ve seen better sliders at White Castle! I’ve seen better windups on a toy! How about a donation for this walk-a-thon! You couldn’t find a plate in a kitchen! Click your heels 3 times and repeat after me…..there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home!

FOR HITTERS
You’ve got fewer hits than an Amish website!
You’ve had fewer hits than Vanilla Ice!
You couldn’t drive home Miss Daisy! This guy hasn’t driven anybody home since the junior prom! You couldn’t hit water if you fell out of a boat! Hey, my cholesterol level is higher than your batting average! Hey, Mendoza called. He wants his line back! Your hostess will seat you! (following a strikeout) I’ve seen better cuts at a deli! I’ve seen better cuts on a BeeGees album! This guy couldn’t hit a shift key! I’ve seen better swings in a park! I’ve seen better swings on a porch! You couldn’t hit the floor if you fell out of bed! You couldn’t knock the skin off of rice pudding!

Thought for the Week

“Correct thinkers think that ‘baseball trivia’ is an oxymoron: nothing about baseball is trivial.” ~ George Will

Friday Funny April 3, 2015 Hoppy Easter!

2 Replies

Happy Good Friday! The memories of a harsh winter are starting to fade and the hope of spring is beginning to bloom.

Enjoy!

Q: How do bunnies stay healthy?
A: Eggercise

Q: Do you know how bunnies stay in shape? A: Hareobics.

Q: What did the eggs do when the light turned green?
A: They egg-cellerated.

Q: How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been? A: Eggs marks the spot.

Q: What did the bunny want to do when it grew up? A: Join the hare force.

Q: What do the call an Easter Bunny on a farm? A: Dinner (or supper as the case may be).

A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a rabbit sitting next to him. “Are you a rabbit?” asked the man, surprised. “Yes.” “What are you doing at the movies?” The rabbit replied, “Well, I liked the book.”

An infant rabbit was orphaned. Fortunately though, a family of squirrels took it in and raised it as if it were one of their own. This led to some strange behaviors on the part of the rabbit, including a tendency for it to avoid jumping, but instead to run around like the other squirrels. One day the rabbit was really feeling sad, so it went to its step-parents to discuss the problem. After explaining to them how it felt different from its step-siblings, they gave him a big hug and said, “Don’t scurry, be hoppy.”

Read the following slowly and out loud
C D E D B D bunnies?
M R not E D B D bunnies!
O S A R! C D E D B D fluffy cottontails?
L I B! M R 2 E D B D bunnies!

Thought for the Week “The great gift of Easter is hope – Christian hope which makes us have that confidence in God, in his ultimate triumph, and in his goodness and love, which nothing can shake.” ~Basil Hume

http://www.brainyquote.com

Friday Punny March 27, 2015

2 Replies

Happy Friday! Hoping that things are starting to green up in your corner of the world. Here is a baker’s dozen of puns to kick off your weekend.

Enjoy!

I couldn’t understand how my seat belt worked. Then it clicked.

Never trust atoms, they make up everything.

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera.

How does Moses make his coffee? He-brews it.

Why does Peter Pan always fly? Because he Neverlands.

Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

If Apple made a car, would it have Windows?

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he was told he had to upgrade to Windows 7? “I still love Vista, baby.”

A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy.

A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation.

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out.

Thought for the Week

“A pun is the lowest form of humor – when you don’t think of it first.” ~ Oscar Levant

Friday Funny March 20, 2015 March Madness

2 Replies

Happy Friday and Happy March Madness! Here a few basketball jokes to help you get your game on.

Enjoy!

Q: How many NCAA basketball players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. But he gets money, a car, and three credit hours for it.

Q: Why are basketball players messy eaters?
A: They’re always dribbling.

Q: Why was the basketball player sitting on the sideline sketching a picture of a chicken? A: He was learning to draw fowls.

Q. What is a cheerleader’s favorite color? A: Yeller!

Q:What do cheerleaders drink before they go to a basketball game? A: Root beer!

“He’s great on the court,” a sportswriter said of a college basketball player in an interview with his coach. “But’s how’s his scholastic work?” “Why, he makes straight A’s,” replied the coach. “Wonderful!” said the sportswriter. “Yes,” agreed the coach, “however, his B’s are a little crooked.”

Hanging in the hallway of the college arena were the basketball team pictures from the past 40 years. A player in the center of the front row in each picture holds a basketball identifying the year — “95-96,” “96-97” “97-98,” etc. One day a freshman was looking curiously at the photos and remarked, “Isn’t it strange how the teams always lost by just one point?”

Thought for the Week

“I’ve always felt that, you know, the Almighty has a lot of things to do other than help my basketball team.” ~ Bobby Knight
http://www.brainyquote.com

Friday Funny March 13, 2015

1 Reply

Happy Friday! I certainly hope you do not suffer from paraskevidekatriaphobia. No, that is not the fear of parakeets; that is the fear of Friday the 13^th. Here are a couple of jokes to get your day off to a lucky start.

Enjoy!

IF IT WEREN’T FOR BAD LUCK…

A old sailor was out walking on the dock one day when he met a former ship mate of his. They had not seen each other for many years so they had much to talk about and many old memories to renew.

After some time, one said to the other, “if you don’t mind my saying so, you don’t look very good, you must have experienced some bad luck.”

“Yes,” the other one said, “I have. You see this peg leg? Well, one day I was out on deck and me leg got all tangled up in a loose line and it was so badly mangled that they had to take it off at the knee.”

His friend agreed that was bad luck. The other one continued, “You see I have a hook for a hand. One day I was out on deck when a shipmate of mine fell overboard. I leaned over as far as I could in an attempt to rescue him and as I extended my hand to him a shark took me hand off.”

“My you really did experience bad luck,” the other responded, “I see you have a patch over one eye, What happened to your eye?”

“Well, I was out on deck again one day and just as I looked up, a seagull that was flying over, unloaded, and got me right in the eye.”

“And that took your eye out?”

“No, that was me first day with the hook.”

BEEN THERE THROUGH THICK AND THIN

A woman’s husband had been in a very serious accident and had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she faithfully stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he finally regained consciousness, as he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all these years through the good times and the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?”

“What dear?” She asked gently.

“I think you bring me bad luck.”

Thought for the Week

Luck is the by-product of busting your fanny. ~Don Sutton

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny March 6, 2015 Wedded Bliss

2 Replies

Happy Friday! Happy March!! Believe or not spring is only 15 days away!!!

This Friday is not just any day, it is my wedding anniversary. So, this Friday here are some marriage-themed jokes chosen especially for you.

Enjoy!

My wife says that she does not know where she would be without me, she has, however, said she would like to go there for a visit sometime.

The other day I asked my wife, “What do you love most about me; my tremendous athletic ability or my superior intellect?” Here response was that she loved my great sense of humor.

A few weeks ago my wife and I were out at the mall and passed one those scales were you drop in a quarter and it tells your fortune as well as your weight. I dropped in a quarter and read the small, white card that popped out. I showed my wife. “Look at this! It says I’m energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover.” “Yeah,” she nodded, “and it has your weight wrong, too.”

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor’s degree and the woman gets her master’s.

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” And the father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it.”

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car or the wife is new.

A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.

During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife. She had him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.

One day a man who had been married for many years was looking for something in the closet when he stumbled upon a shoe box in the closet. Upon opening it, he was quite surprised to find 2 doilies and $85,000 in cash. Quite confused, he asked his wife if the box was hers. She confirmed that it was and he asked what the contents meant. She explained “when we got married my mother told me that every time I got upset with you, I should crochet a doily.” Well the old gentleman was quite touched thinking that over all the years of their marriage she had only been mad twice. He wiped a small tear from his eye and asked what the $85,000 came from. “Oh that,” she replied,”..that’s the money I’ve made over the years from selling doilies.”

Thought for the Week

Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. ~Simone Signoret

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny February 20, 2015 Coming Soon From K-Tel!

3 Replies

Happy Friday! Congratulations for making it through a very cold week!!

Perhaps you remember K-tel, the company that was big in the 60’s and 70’s compiling hits and selling albums with titles like “Fantastic Hits,” “Power Hits,” and “Out of Sight Hits.” We may not have heard much from these folks for a while, but rumor has it that they are getting ready to release a new album just for Baby Boomers. They are taking some of our old favorites, updating them and putting them on a new album called “Baby Boomers Turn Gray: Re-heated Oldies.”

Featuring these great songs!

Carly Simon–“You’re So Varicose Vein”
The Bee Gees–“How Can You Mend a Broken Hip”
Roberta Flack–“The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face”
The Temptations–“Papa Got a Kidney Stone”
Nancy Sinatra–“These Boots Are Made For Bunions”
ABBA–“Denture Queen”
Leo Sayer–“You Make Me Feel Like Napping”
Commodores–“Once, Twice, Three Times My Back’s Out”
Steely Dan–“Rikki Don’t Lose That Clapper”
Herman’s Hermits–“Mrs. Brown You’ve Got a Lovely Walker”
Credence Clearwater Revival–“Bad Prune Rising”
Marvin Gaye–“I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts”
Melanie – “Brand New Knee” Bruce Springstein – “Born to Nap” Gladys Knight and the Pips – “Midnight Trip to the Bathroom” Elton John – “Rocking Chair Man” Johnny Nash – “I Can See Clearly Now (The Cataracts Are Gone)” The Beetles – “Let Me Be” Eagles – “Heartburn Tonight” Average White Band – “(I Can’t Bend Over to) Pick Up the Pieces” Three Dog Night – “The Doctor Told Me Not to Come” Elton John and Kiki Dee – “Don’t Go Breaking My Hip” Eagles – “Old Man in Town” Mary MacGregor – “Torn Between Two Livers”

But WAIT! That is not all, the album also includes these digitally remastered hits that bring an old message with a new meaning!

The Who – “Who Are You?” Marvin Gaye – “What’s Going On?” The Bee Gees – “Stayin’ Alive” Barry Manilow – “Looks Like We Made It”

Available on LP’s, Cassettes and 8-Track!

Thought for the Week [An intellectual] is someone who can listen to the “William Tell Overture” without thinking of the Lone Ranger. ~John Chesson

Friday Funny February 13, 2015 Valentine Jokes

1 Reply

Happy Friday and Happy (almost) Valentines Day! They say one of the most attractive features a person can have is a sense of humor. Unfortunately, I wouldn’t know. But just in case you need a joke or three to impress that special someone this weekend, here is a gaggle of Valentine’s jokes chosen especially for you.

Enjoy!

What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day?
Forget-me-nuts.

What did the valentine card say to the stamp?
Stick with me and we’ll go places!

Did Adam and Eve ever have a date?
No, but they had an Apple.

What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?

What did one snake say to the other snake?
Give me a little hug and a hiss, honey.

What did the man with the broken leg say to his nurse?
“I’ve got a crutch on you!”

Did you hear about the romance in the tropical fish tank?
It was a case of guppy love.

What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend?
“Be my valenstein!”

Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?
It was Valenswine’s Day!

Do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day?
Sure, they’re very scent-imental!

What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
“I find you very attractive.”

What did one pickle say to the other?
“You mean a great dill to me.”

What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?
“I love you a ton!”

What did the bat say to his girlfriend?
“You’re fun to hang around with.”

Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine?
He fell in love with a pincushion!

Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend?
She didn’t suit his taste!

Why do valentines have hearts on them?
Because spleens would look pretty gross!

What did the light bulb say to the switch?
You turn me on.

What did one light bulb say to the other?
“I love you a whole watt!”

Thought for the Week

Anyone can catch your eye, but it takes someone special to catch your heart. ~Author Unknown

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny February 6, 2015 Joke Potpourri

Friday Funny January 30, 2015 FOOTBALL FUNNIES

2 Replies

Happy Friday and Happy Super Bowl Weekend! In honor of the Big Game, I dusted off the classic book “Football Laughs” by Herman L. Masin which I purchased through Scholastic Books in 1972 for $0.60. (I see this little gem is listed on ebay for $4.98 which would translate into about a 5% annual return so maybe it was a decent investment. Sorry, the accountant in me is slipping out.) Below are a few football jokes you can share Sunday.

Enjoy!

NEW COACH

“Gentlemen,” said the new head coach to his staff, “I have a suggestion for a change in our system and I’d like to hear your opinions about it. Those opposed to the idea may signify it by saying, ‘I quit.'”

BEARS OFFENSE

The Chicago Bears had been something of a bust and the natives were getting restless. When a fire swept through the Bears’ office, destroying many records and play books, one of the local critics wrote: “That’s about the only way you could get the Bears to change their offense.”

GREAT FINISH

The teams were tied with two minutes to play when the coach sent in his second-string quarterback with a special play. After looking over the defense, the scrub called a play of his own. It went for a touchdown that won the game.

After hugging the hero, the coach asked him what made him change the play.

“It was strictly a hunch,” was the reply. “I looked at the half back. His number was 14. Then I looked at the full back. His number was 21. So I called play 32.”

“But that adds up to 35,” said the coach.

“Maybe so,” replied the scrub. “But if I was as smart as you, we wouldn’t have won the game.”

TOSSED FROM THE GAME

The big tackle came running off the field.

“What’s the matter with you?” exclaimed the coach.

“The ref just threw me out of the game.”

“What for?”

“I dunno,”

The coach beckoned the official.

“What did you toss Johnson out for?”

“Because I caught him choking the opposing quarterback,” the ref said.

“Ah, you didn’t have to get so upset about it,” replied the coach. “The kid is just a practical choker.”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Football combines the two worst things about America: it is violence punctuated by committee meetings.” ~ George Will

	215+ Ides of March J… on Friday Funny March 15, 2024 Be…
	390+ Wine Puns Hilar… on Friday Funny June 13, 2024 Cic…
	Sandra Mast on Friday Funny March 6, 2026 Jok…
	Leonard on Friday Funny November 7, 2025…
	Valentine, Cookie (D… on Friday Funny November 7, 2025…

	215+ Ides of March J… on Friday Funny March 15, 2024 Be…
	390+ Wine Puns Hilar… on Friday Funny June 13, 2024 Cic…
	Sandra Mast on Friday Funny March 6, 2026 Jok…
	Leonard on Friday Funny November 7, 2025…
	Valentine, Cookie (D… on Friday Funny November 7, 2025…

Leonard's Lines

A world without humor just isn't funny.

Category Archives: Friday Funny

Friday Funny April 10, 2015 Get Ready to Heckle!

Friday Funny April 3, 2015 Hoppy Easter!

Friday Punny March 27, 2015

Friday Funny March 20, 2015 March Madness

Friday Funny March 13, 2015

Friday Funny March 6, 2015 Wedded Bliss

Friday Funny February 20, 2015 Coming Soon From K-Tel!

Friday Funny February 13, 2015 Valentine Jokes

Friday Funny February 6, 2015 Joke Potpourri

Friday Funny January 30, 2015 FOOTBALL FUNNIES